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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What a bloody night I've had...

369 replies

SOLOtsofBangers · 05/11/2008 00:30

Dp tells me he has two weeks off. He then tells me 3 days later that he's going on holiday. On his own. Nothing unusual there. I tell him that I'd quite like it if he'd actually spend some time with me for a change(we have never lived together). He leaves as he has a 'meeting' to go to.
I go to my parents house to be told that Dad has cancer...I had my suspicions, but I'm lost really. My son has taken it badly, but Dd too young to understand. Dp rings me before he runs off to his 'meeting' ~ he's late he says. Half hour later he rings again except that he hasn't ~ his phone has dialled my number in his pocket. I can hear a convo going on between a woman and him and he mentions that she hasn't paid for Antigua anyway(joke, joke, joke etc). Antigua, he told me he was going to Egypt! Alone! He's obviously at his house, so I made a quick dash to his with our Dd, knocked on the door, he answered ~ looked shocked. Said I couldn't come in, I asked if 'meeting' had been cancelled, he said he had someone here, it wasn't convenient. I shouted through the house 'hope you have a nice holiday with my boyfriend'. He says you might as well come in now then, it's out in the open.
She's not quite what I would have imagined her to be. He's very good looking, she's not and it's not just me being bitchy, because I'm really not that sort. I asked her how long she's been seeing him and she says....
4 years!.
I've been with him for 4 years! I'm so bloody angry. She didn't know about me or our Dd.
Anyway, I shouted a bit, really wanted to hit him but I wont lower myself to that.
I think I've spoiled their holiday...
I don't really want to hear 'get shot of him' tbh. I just needed to vent. I'm hurting so badly. I wanted to believe that he wouldn't do that to me, that he was different, that he would want me and our Dd in his life over other women. I was wrong.
4 years wasted. 4 bloody years. I can't even cry I'm so angry.

OP posts:
QuintessentialGunpowderPlot · 05/11/2008 14:00

This is going to sound harsh, but what you have lost is the illusion of a loving and good partner, for the man is not who you thought he was, and your relationship is not like you thought either. I am sorry. Whether you have lost a partner of an illusion, the hurt is the same.

SOLOtsofBangers · 05/11/2008 14:08

Rhubarb, you speak sense too. He has worked away M~F for the past two years, so that I'm sure has facilitated his lifestyle. He had the chance of having a college house where he lectures and took me down to see one and see what I thought etc. Dd was 7 weeks old then and I thought I'd be going move away and live with him which would've been a good way to see if we could live together without selling up and buying together. He then didn't persue the house or idea, so I was left in the same situation as before.
When I think of the running around I've done for him!
Dior, it is gob smacking, I agree.

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SOLOtsofBangers · 05/11/2008 14:10

Sorry about my punctuation, I'm not focusing properly.

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ggglimpopo · 05/11/2008 14:10

v good posr rhubarb!

dittany · 05/11/2008 14:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SOLOtsofBangers · 05/11/2008 14:40

Not much really dittany. In the beginning it was more, but we both worked shifts, so it was slightly hit and miss. In the last three years(because he got promoted)I'd often go three weeks without seeing him. He'd work 58 hours a week often. I had said to him yesterday before the shit hit the fan that he rarely spends two consecutive nights in my bed and the last time it was more was during paternity leave and even then it was only 4...I guess he's often texted to say 'change of plan' and not made it over. I suppose I've just accepted that that was how it was. He was always busy. No wonder his blood pressure was dangerously high.

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Tanee58 · 05/11/2008 14:54

Rhubarb's post is excellent. And I do feel that you are much better off without him. He has abused you just as surely as your previous partners did - his only advantages seem to be that he has money and brains - and uses them to live his OWN life as HE pleases. I repeat, the man you love does not exist.

He is a year older than I - but he is living like a lad of 20 with no responsibilities. Please don't waste your tears on him. Do your grieving - but remember you are grieving a man who doesn't really exist. He has as good as told you that he won't change (may his wither and fall off) and heck, men of 51 don't have many years of pulling power left, unless they are very rich , so if I were you I'd get on with my life until a younger, kinder, model comes along.

You obviously hate being alone and I can understand that - but it's better than living half a life with a man you can't trust, who won't even commit to a shared home, who has deceived women time and time again.

And when you say he's been let down by women, you only have his word for it. I bet if you could get an ex-girlfriends club together, they would give you another story.

No wonder his poor daughter is so insecure. He's made her the woman she is. Oh, he's just a menace to women, whatever their relationship to him.

Is he worth it?

Oh, and if jellyfish don't work, are there sharks in Antigua

Tanee58 · 05/11/2008 15:00

Solo - was he really working all those hours when he couldn't see you? I only ask, because I once dated a guy (rich, good looking etc etc) who never actually spent a whole evening in my company. Always had a 'meeting' to get to. My sister suspected he was married, and once I got fed up with the lack of time together, I suspected it too (plus I saw him once with a woman & baby who he later claimed were his sister & niece ).

I would strongly suspect that he was playing away. No one works a 58 hour week without having a breakdown. In fact, if I were you, I wouldn't believe anything he's EVER told you.

Sorry to be so harsh, but I think this man is a middle-aged toerag. Actually, toerag is too good a name. Arsewipe more like.

SOLOtsofBangers · 05/11/2008 15:04

Sharks could work Tanee.
I feel angry that I've been taken in by this man. I've been so honest with him and never wanted to stray. He knows that too. Git.

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SOLOtsofBangers · 05/11/2008 15:10

I've heard him talking to various other people about working the long hours, so I think it's true, but hey! who knows? I certainly don't ~ not anymore...
He started with the high blood pressure during the long weeks of working, so it's possible I suppose.

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squeaver · 05/11/2008 15:14

Don't really have much to add other than my sympathy for you Solo.

Please, please try to take care of yourself. Eat properly, get whatever sleep you can.

There's some excellent advice on here. MN at its best.

SOLOtsofBangers · 05/11/2008 15:15

Question wise ladies.

A few times he sent me a picture on the phone and when I've checked 'details', there have been other phone numbers besides mine. The question is this; would you phone the numbers to find out who and what etc and if so, what would you say?

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SOLOtsofBangers · 05/11/2008 15:17

Thank you squeaver, but, maybe I can lose some of the weight I've gained? doubtful I know...

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Aarrgghhlloween · 05/11/2008 15:17

I would if it was me x

SOLOtsofBangers · 05/11/2008 15:19

What would you say? would you ask if they knew xyz? or ask their name? would you tell them(if they were OW too)about last night, my Dd etc?

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poshwellies · 05/11/2008 15:28

Yes I would phone,you now need to be the one in control.

BaracktorianSqualor · 05/11/2008 15:31

depends what the pictures were. If they were something you wouldn't send to a friend, then yes, definitely.
Just say you're going through his phone bill as you've discovered he has been cheating on you and wanted to know just how bad it was.

Winetimeisfinetime · 05/11/2008 15:33

Another voice of support here Solo - to coin a wonderfully descriptive MN phrase, he is a dick-splat ! Reading your thread has made me feel outraged on your behalf by this excuse for a man. If you ever need to get up a MN posse to teach him a thing or two about how to behave, then count me in.

Sending positive vibes for you, your dc and your dad.

Tanee58 · 05/11/2008 15:34

I don't know. I would be tempted to phone, but on the other hand, it will show him you're bothered. I sometimes think a dignified silence is best. Cut him and his OWs out of your life except insofar as he needs to support DD and arrange access. After all, what do you want to get out of the people on the phone? Confirmation of what he's done? You already have that. Let them know what he's done? Well, that would be a kind of revenge, if they are friends who thought he was a great guy. Only you can decide.

AstroPup · 05/11/2008 15:34

Solo - I hope I'm not speaking out of turn but I think you will get your head round this and put it behind you easier than some other women might. The reason - apart from you clearly being a strong, brave person - is that I cant help but think you already knew, somewhere in the corners of your mind I think you already had him sussed, the hair the texts etc... you may not have been willing to confront it til now but I think you have a head start to getting over this.

dittany · 05/11/2008 15:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SOLOtsofBangers · 05/11/2008 16:38

AP, you could be right, but having invested so much of my everything into him, loving him so much and having his Dd ~ albeit she was a surprise package, I can't really see my way through it ~ yet.

I think I will phone the numbers. If there have been other OW then a)I want to know and b)I want them to know what a shitbag he is. There may be some interesting messages waiting for him on his return from the Caribbean.

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SOLOtsofBangers · 05/11/2008 16:41

BaracktorianSqualour, the pics were of him finishing off his bathroom and him 'bored in Brum' when he was at a conference. Nothing bad.

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BitOfBarackyFun · 05/11/2008 16:49

Solo, it's been said before, and probably isn't all that useful to you, but I only just saw your thread and have to add What An Absolute Cunting Arsehole....for what it's worth, you will be so much better off without him, and I really wish you and your dd all the best and hope you can focus on her and the rest of your family who love you x x x

BaracktorianSqualor · 05/11/2008 17:32

Ah, well, there is still nothing to be lost. You don't need to say 'I'm calling you because my DP sent you a picture of his bathroom'
Just tell them you've being going through the phone bill as both yourself and another woman have just recently found out he has more than one partner and life so you're informing anyone who could also be on the receiving end of it. If you take that tone (sisters together, he's an arse, rather than bitch has been shagging my man) you're more likely to get the truth too, especially if there was anyone that knew about you or the OW.
I really hope, for your sake, that there wasn't any thing else for you to discover.

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