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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What a bloody night I've had...

369 replies

SOLOtsofBangers · 05/11/2008 00:30

Dp tells me he has two weeks off. He then tells me 3 days later that he's going on holiday. On his own. Nothing unusual there. I tell him that I'd quite like it if he'd actually spend some time with me for a change(we have never lived together). He leaves as he has a 'meeting' to go to.
I go to my parents house to be told that Dad has cancer...I had my suspicions, but I'm lost really. My son has taken it badly, but Dd too young to understand. Dp rings me before he runs off to his 'meeting' ~ he's late he says. Half hour later he rings again except that he hasn't ~ his phone has dialled my number in his pocket. I can hear a convo going on between a woman and him and he mentions that she hasn't paid for Antigua anyway(joke, joke, joke etc). Antigua, he told me he was going to Egypt! Alone! He's obviously at his house, so I made a quick dash to his with our Dd, knocked on the door, he answered ~ looked shocked. Said I couldn't come in, I asked if 'meeting' had been cancelled, he said he had someone here, it wasn't convenient. I shouted through the house 'hope you have a nice holiday with my boyfriend'. He says you might as well come in now then, it's out in the open.
She's not quite what I would have imagined her to be. He's very good looking, she's not and it's not just me being bitchy, because I'm really not that sort. I asked her how long she's been seeing him and she says....
4 years!.
I've been with him for 4 years! I'm so bloody angry. She didn't know about me or our Dd.
Anyway, I shouted a bit, really wanted to hit him but I wont lower myself to that.
I think I've spoiled their holiday...
I don't really want to hear 'get shot of him' tbh. I just needed to vent. I'm hurting so badly. I wanted to believe that he wouldn't do that to me, that he was different, that he would want me and our Dd in his life over other women. I was wrong.
4 years wasted. 4 bloody years. I can't even cry I'm so angry.

OP posts:
SOLOtsofBangers · 05/11/2008 17:40

BOBF, nice sum up! and thank you.
Not sure how to tell Ds or even what to tell him. He's not feeling great about his Grandad as it is, but I have to tell him.

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SOLOtsofBangers · 06/11/2008 08:38

Well, I slept last night thankfully. This morning though, I feel really sick and unwell.

Thanks to all of you that have offered support and kindness to me. It is so very much appreciated, I can't tell you.

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mumoverseas · 06/11/2008 08:41

morning solo, glad you managed some sleep. Its not really surprising you feel sick and unwell, you've had a terrible shock and a few bad nights sleep. Hope you get some support from friends and family and have a positive day x ps. just a thought but if you know when he is coming back you should tip off customs anonymously that he is drug smuggling! wicked I know but satisfying!

SOLOtsofBangers · 06/11/2008 08:44

That'd be fun!

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SOLOtsofBangers · 06/11/2008 08:46

Ooooh! you've got me thinking now mos...

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mumoverseas · 06/11/2008 08:47

just remember one important thing I was once told when going through a particularly bad patch. Your sense of humour must be the last thing to go! tempting isn't it?
also, have you got keys to his place? If so get in and sew prawns into the hem of his curtains or sprinkle the carpet with a some grass or cress seeds and water lightly!

SOLOtsofBangers · 06/11/2008 08:50

Lol! No, I don't have keys. Wish I did though.

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BaracktorianSqualor · 06/11/2008 18:08

How are you SOLO? Are you going to make those calls?

SOLOtsofBangers · 06/11/2008 18:57

Hello BS, I have been out all day today, talking to rl friends.
Still angry, not eaten today save a bar of chocolate kindly donated by my good friend. I have just had a banana smoothie, so I'll be fine for the moment.
He sent me a text saying that he'd phone me tonight though I'm not entirely sure I want to speak to him. May ignore his call...

Been to the doctors again and he says I have a sinus infection. Have antibiotics to collect and take, so I hope I'll be feeling more fighting fit to help with Dad next week etc.

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SOLOtsofBangers · 06/11/2008 18:58

Not made those calls yet, I'll run it by some of my rl friends tonight on the phone.

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BaracktorianSqualor · 06/11/2008 19:00

He's going to call you? From his holiday with his other girlfriend???? Sounds like he's trying to keep you both sweet. I understand you said you love him and would take him back, but if you do decide to do this you need to find out why he did it to make sure it doesn't happen again iyswim.
Good Luck, and try to eat more.

mankymummy · 06/11/2008 20:35

personally... i would reject the call. he will only soft-soap you, put ideas in your head etc. at least give yourself the breathing space of his holiday... and make him sweat a bit.

even if you think you would take him back, dont be a walk over, make him bloody work for it. otherwise he'll have no respect for you.

SOLOtsofBangers · 06/11/2008 21:32

No, I don't want to talk to him on the phone. I want him to look me in the eyes when he tells me why he has shit on me all this time.
I don't think he'll try to keep me sweet. I think he'll try to keep her sweet if anything.
Mankymummy, I wont take the call. He can't soft soap me and if he asks me to have him back, a lot will have to change. I doubt I'll ever trust him entirely even if we stay together. To be honest, I don't believe his pride will allow him to return to me.

I feel like I've wasted 4 years on him. Given life to a beautiful child and been held dangling on a string.
Time will tell I guess...

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NorbertDentressangle · 06/11/2008 21:53

Solo, do you know what? If I were in your shoes I don't think I would be able to look him in the eyes ever again.

BitOfBarackyFun · 06/11/2008 22:00

Solo, I hope you have your good friends with you through this for more chocolate and anything else you need. At least you have your beautiful daughter from this, even though he has turned out to be such a disappointment. You deserve the best- at least you have found out the truth about him and can base any decisions on that. Good luck x x

SOLOtsofBangers · 06/11/2008 22:18

ND, I have nothing at all to be ashamed of ~ he does and he will have the difficulty looking me in the eye and that will be good for me(I think).

BOBF, Thank you. Yes, MY daughter is very beautiful and it is true that at the very least I have to be grateful and thankful for her. Shame her father has turned out to be such a disappointment eh?

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HRHSaintMamazon · 06/11/2008 22:22

does he have children with this other woman?
it sounds to me as though he is having the best of both worlds.
family life with you and your DD and a nice happy childless couple relationship with this OW.

Why did you not live together?

solo · 06/11/2008 22:28

No, no children with OW. I think he is a 'player'.
We don't live together because he never really wanted to and when he started to work away and we might've shared a college house, he didn't persue it. I own my own house as does he although I would've liked to, I wasn't that bothered because I've been burnt before and lost so much because of ex's iyswim.

I've put a picture of Dd on my pics. She's sooo beautiful.

solo · 06/11/2008 22:32

I guess also that it was easier for him to mess around if he still had his own place.

BaracktorianSqualor · 06/11/2008 22:33

She really is beautiful solo and I'm a twat, I avoid photo threads 9unless they're gonna boost my children's ego ) cos I don't wanna be nasty or even just neutral. She has the most amazing eyes.
There will be times you just want to pretend it never happened and ignore it, but those times we are here for you, ok?
As I say every time, I'm really sorry you have to go through this, it really is my worst nightmare and I assume yours too

solo · 06/11/2008 22:36

Thank you BS. Hard to believe her daddy is a black man eh?
Your Dc's are just as beautiful! you must be very proud!

I will, I'm sure have many black moments and yes, MN will help.

BaracktorianSqualor · 06/11/2008 22:43

All I can say is she is a beauty and hopefully will be your torch through these tough times. x

solo · 06/11/2008 22:47

Thank you. She is special and so is my son. They are my reason to go on...

moondog · 06/11/2008 23:01

What an absolute bell end.If people with kids have free time, they should be spending them with their children.#Flabbergasted that you even began to get involved with such a man on such strange tersm.

Why put yourself through it??

solo · 06/11/2008 23:20

Moondog, I agree and most 'normal' people would want to spend their free time with their kids. He's obviously not normal.
You don't get involved with a man and start to live with him so quickly anyway. I've done that a couple of times before and both times got burnt. You think that the terms may change over time I guess and that at some point, you'll do what 'normal' people do and co habit or marry or something. Our Dd was not planned. He positively didn't want me to have her. I wasn't going down that road.

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