Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What a bloody night I've had...

369 replies

SOLOtsofBangers · 05/11/2008 00:30

Dp tells me he has two weeks off. He then tells me 3 days later that he's going on holiday. On his own. Nothing unusual there. I tell him that I'd quite like it if he'd actually spend some time with me for a change(we have never lived together). He leaves as he has a 'meeting' to go to.
I go to my parents house to be told that Dad has cancer...I had my suspicions, but I'm lost really. My son has taken it badly, but Dd too young to understand. Dp rings me before he runs off to his 'meeting' ~ he's late he says. Half hour later he rings again except that he hasn't ~ his phone has dialled my number in his pocket. I can hear a convo going on between a woman and him and he mentions that she hasn't paid for Antigua anyway(joke, joke, joke etc). Antigua, he told me he was going to Egypt! Alone! He's obviously at his house, so I made a quick dash to his with our Dd, knocked on the door, he answered ~ looked shocked. Said I couldn't come in, I asked if 'meeting' had been cancelled, he said he had someone here, it wasn't convenient. I shouted through the house 'hope you have a nice holiday with my boyfriend'. He says you might as well come in now then, it's out in the open.
She's not quite what I would have imagined her to be. He's very good looking, she's not and it's not just me being bitchy, because I'm really not that sort. I asked her how long she's been seeing him and she says....
4 years!.
I've been with him for 4 years! I'm so bloody angry. She didn't know about me or our Dd.
Anyway, I shouted a bit, really wanted to hit him but I wont lower myself to that.
I think I've spoiled their holiday...
I don't really want to hear 'get shot of him' tbh. I just needed to vent. I'm hurting so badly. I wanted to believe that he wouldn't do that to me, that he was different, that he would want me and our Dd in his life over other women. I was wrong.
4 years wasted. 4 bloody years. I can't even cry I'm so angry.

OP posts:
twoluvlykids · 05/11/2008 10:54

sorry for you, solo.

as others have said, while he's away, seek some legal advice.

if you can.

stay strong, keep posting

poshwellies · 05/11/2008 11:00

The guy is a arsewipe

Sorry Solo,sending you super strong positive vibes (and for your Dad).

SOLOtsofBangers · 05/11/2008 11:07

Quint, yes she was still there when I left...her holiday case all packed.
HappyWoman, I reckon it's me that should be getting checked out at a clinic. Since I was about 4 months pg with Dd we've only had sex twice(not my choice and now I know why), I thought it was becausec I'd put on a couple of stone since having the coil put in(for him!), but the OW is about 20 stones, so I don't think it could be that after all...she's bleach blond with dreadful black roots.
ginny, he has about 3 foreign holidays every year 'by himself'. Stupid me believed him. I went on one holiday with him 3 years ago and paid for myself. He promised me that we would have a holiday this year. He said he couldn't afford to take all of us ~ obviously too poor after paying for Sarah(OW)to go with him.
Really pissed off with him. Every time he needs something done(taking up his trousers for work as a matter of urgency)it's always me doing it and I don't mind doing it...well, I didn't mind.
Dp's mum has had cancer this year too and I've been there for her even more than he has...

Dads cancer is inoperable and he's not strong enough for chemo so he's going to start radio therapy next week. My Dad is the only man that has never let me down and I'm probably going to lose him too.

OP posts:
ginnny · 05/11/2008 11:13

That's the saddest post I've seen on here in a long time.
He's done you a favour.
You deserve so much better than this.
Hope your Dad is OK.
x

SOLOtsofBangers · 05/11/2008 11:14

He pays me money for Dd and often for extra's and sometimes pays for shopping so he's not not giving me financial support, though he earns a good salary, so no reason not to iyswim. I don't know anything about the new CSA as we have always done it privately.
He's also good to my son who is not his responsibility. Ds will be crushed when he finds out as he really looks up to him.
Am I really awful for not wanting him to see Dd? He's hardly been a great father to her, hardly here etc. I can't stand the thought of him taking her off to spend the weekend with him and OW.

Why do you think I need legal advice?

OP posts:
Fllightthebluetouchpaper · 05/11/2008 11:14

Solo, this is really shit.

How about his mum - do you like her enough to stay friends? She might be a good ally iyswim...

SOLOtsofBangers · 05/11/2008 11:16

I never, ever saw myself as a MNetter that would post this kind of thing. Thought I'd keep it to myself if it happened...but thank you all for being there. I feel so alone AGAIN though.

OP posts:
twoluvlykids · 05/11/2008 11:18

oh poor you

legal advice for access to dd, he'll probably want it?

if you seperate, you might need financial support from him

it's all a big bag of shit, especially as your Dad's ill.

VictorianSqualor · 05/11/2008 11:20

SOLO, I've always thought that I would too, but we can't be sure until the worst happens and it's the best part of MN really, the support when things go wrong.
Is your Dad close by?

SOLOtsofBangers · 05/11/2008 11:21

I'm considering whether to phone her and tell his mum tbh, but I think she's well aware that he's not Mr Perfect. She wont know about the OW, he took a long time to introduce me as his 'lady friend' and she tells me lots that he doesn't know I know.
Should I tell her? Yes, I would stay in touch with her.

OP posts:
SOLOtsofBangers · 05/11/2008 11:22

Yes, Dad is 8 miles away.

OP posts:
VictorianSqualor · 05/11/2008 11:22

Yes. Tell her, she is your child's grandmother, she has a right to know what is happening and why.

Fllightthebluetouchpaper · 05/11/2008 11:23

I think you'll find it hard to not tell her tbh, she'll know you are upset and not seeing him. You don;t have to go into detail but bear in mind he might spin her some crap about it all being your fault so I'd do it while he's not there.

Ewe · 05/11/2008 11:25

Absolutely tell her, she definitely deserves to know the truth.

Do you have much RL support?

SOLOtsofBangers · 05/11/2008 11:26

Yes, good thinking Fllight(love your seasonal name).
Going to ring her now.

OP posts:
kando · 05/11/2008 11:26

God, how awful for you Solo You know what, this fecker of a man doesn't deserve you or your family. What a scumbag he is. So sorry for you and your poor dad. Wishing you strength for the future x

QuintessentialGunpowderPlot · 05/11/2008 11:27

I think you should tell her. She needs to know the truth if you are to stay in touch with her. She is your childs grandmother, and there is no reasons why you should not stay friends. I would go see her and tell it exactly the way it is. Not to backstab him, but in a sincere way, and say you hope this does not change the relationship she has with you and your dd.

Good Luck.

What a terrible terrible thing you are going through now.

My world fell apart when my mum was diagnosed with cancer 15 years ago. She is still with us and a grand old lady at 74, the cancer is kept under control, more or less. I hope it will be as good with your father as with my mum. My mum as a very rare bone marrow cancer.

ginnny · 05/11/2008 11:30

Definitely tell his Mum, but don't expect her to completely side with you - she is still his Mum after all.
As for letting him see dd, its early days yet. You don't know for sure that him and OW will stay together anyway, and you can always arrange for him to see her at his Mum's without OW there.
Just focus on the here and now and get legal advice re money as he might not be quite so generous when things aren't going his way anymore.

OrmIrian · 05/11/2008 11:32

Oh solo

What an arse!

Does he know about your dad? And he still went.

Yes, tell his mum.

Fllightthebluetouchpaper · 05/11/2008 11:35

Thanks solo, that's kind of you...

Yes, she might not side with you entirely, but you will both need each other by the sound of it and if she knows he's capable of being a cad, all the better.

Good luck pet x

AMamaForObama · 05/11/2008 11:41

thecruelty and selfishness is mind boggling
Totally lost for words to describe him
Solo I am so sorry you have to deal with all this
Hope your dad gets through the rad therapy for you all
That's what matters most I reckon, not that other sorry fecker.

themoon666 · 05/11/2008 11:52

So he was with this OW before he met you and you had DD together?

Mind boggling

Swedes · 05/11/2008 11:57

Sorry to hear this. He should be paying you 15% of his net earnings for your dd. And the father of your DS should also be paying 15% of his net earnings. I would put this on a proper footing if I were you.

Also, it is better for your DD if she sees her dad. Facilitate that for her sake. If he also has a relationship with your son it might be nice for both of them if they also kept their relationship going if they can. I hope you are able to maintain a relationship with his mother..... the associated relationship breakdowns that follow a relationship breakdown are incredibly complex.

BennyAndJoon · 05/11/2008 12:00

Oh Solo - what a tosswipe

You deserve much better.

Do tell people in real life, his mum if you like, rl friends.

DONT feel ashamed, this is his fault not yours. Take support where you can get it and keep talking on here.

catsmother · 05/11/2008 12:09

Totally agree with AMamaForObama's post at 11.41.

You must be feeling totally and absolutely knocked for 6, with a maelstrom of questions spinning around in your head. It's bad enough to be cheated on, but the additional, and totally avoidable cruelty you've had to endure is beyond belief. The very worst thing is that at a time when you are entitled, at the very least, to a long overdue honest explanation for what the hell's been going on, he still acts as if what he's done is insignificant and has disappeared to indulge himself. That would be bad enough at any time, but when you have also just found out about your dad the sheer coldheartedness is quite astonishing. Anyone with a shred of compassion would have stayed home to answer anything you want/need to put to him.

It would appear the only person this "man" cares for is himself. I hate to say it but if he's been capable of this level of complicated & cruel deception for 4 years, you may never get to the truth of it, and I have a nasty gut feeling that he's very unlikely to volunteer anything because, as that disgusting text showed, it really doesn't seem as if he believes he's done anything wrong. I'd actually go so far as to suggest he could be a psychopath - not in the sense of him being an axe murderer of course, but as someone without any conscience.

I hope your call to his mother is going/has gone well and hasn't added to your misery.

Swipe left for the next trending thread