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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What a bloody night I've had...

369 replies

SOLOtsofBangers · 05/11/2008 00:30

Dp tells me he has two weeks off. He then tells me 3 days later that he's going on holiday. On his own. Nothing unusual there. I tell him that I'd quite like it if he'd actually spend some time with me for a change(we have never lived together). He leaves as he has a 'meeting' to go to.
I go to my parents house to be told that Dad has cancer...I had my suspicions, but I'm lost really. My son has taken it badly, but Dd too young to understand. Dp rings me before he runs off to his 'meeting' ~ he's late he says. Half hour later he rings again except that he hasn't ~ his phone has dialled my number in his pocket. I can hear a convo going on between a woman and him and he mentions that she hasn't paid for Antigua anyway(joke, joke, joke etc). Antigua, he told me he was going to Egypt! Alone! He's obviously at his house, so I made a quick dash to his with our Dd, knocked on the door, he answered ~ looked shocked. Said I couldn't come in, I asked if 'meeting' had been cancelled, he said he had someone here, it wasn't convenient. I shouted through the house 'hope you have a nice holiday with my boyfriend'. He says you might as well come in now then, it's out in the open.
She's not quite what I would have imagined her to be. He's very good looking, she's not and it's not just me being bitchy, because I'm really not that sort. I asked her how long she's been seeing him and she says....
4 years!.
I've been with him for 4 years! I'm so bloody angry. She didn't know about me or our Dd.
Anyway, I shouted a bit, really wanted to hit him but I wont lower myself to that.
I think I've spoiled their holiday...
I don't really want to hear 'get shot of him' tbh. I just needed to vent. I'm hurting so badly. I wanted to believe that he wouldn't do that to me, that he was different, that he would want me and our Dd in his life over other women. I was wrong.
4 years wasted. 4 bloody years. I can't even cry I'm so angry.

OP posts:
dittany · 04/12/2008 23:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

solo · 04/12/2008 23:36

forwards, but one was personalised.

Tanee58 · 05/12/2008 14:33

Hi Solo, glad he personalised one email at least - I tend to ignore any forwarded joke emails even from my best friends as I feel it's just too easy to hit the forward to entire address book button. Always prefer a personal letter email.

Feeling better today thanks. DP threw a hissy fit the other night when one of the cats got in the bedroom to sleep with me (DP was sleeping on the sofa and this particular cat really thinks of me as her mum. DP decided to come back to the bedroom at 4am and found her all cosy cuddled up to me Result was none of us got any sleep as DP had to be up at 6am & DP was threatening to get rid of the cat if I didn't. Felt pretty shattered as a result. I do think we had a far better time before we moved in together - but I'm treating him like a stroppy toddler - when he throws a wobbly I don't react much, and pretend it never happened. That seems to work and he's been sweet since (till next time . And no more talk of getting rid of moggie!

TisTheSeasonToBeSolo · 07/12/2008 01:11

How are you Tanee?

Tanee58 · 07/12/2008 01:20

Hi Solo, why are we up so late? How are you?

I'm fine, but very tired so I really ought to go to bed. Both cats asleep next to me on sofa, which is so companionable that I'm reluctant to abandon them. DP went to bed in the middle of Match of the Day, saying he's caught a cold from our lodger. He must have felt really ill, to leave the football! Poor girl, he was quite grumpy that instead of hiding in her room, she'd sat with us the last couple of evenings and spread her germs. . He doesn't handle illness well - particularly other peoples. I've had two colds this winter and whilst he's been ok (and luckily didn't catch them), he's not so charitable with other people's. But hey ho, things are OK I guess.

Any news your end? Is DD better now? I really MUST go to bed, but let me have your news and we'll catch up later.

TisTheSeasonToBeSolo · 07/12/2008 01:26

Yes, I'm off to bed in a mo too...I've been knitting again tonight(and sewing earlier). Dd is a lot better thank you.

Why do men simply die when they get a sniffle?! weedy things!

Later...night.x

Tanee58 · 07/12/2008 22:36

Hi Solo - so you are a knitter too -so am I (took three knitting projects into work for a Wallace & Gromit party on Friday). And I do quilting and embroidery, but not much lately (I tend to do more when I am having relationship problems - how psychological is that? Sewed and knitted none stop when I was married!!)

Glad to hear DD better. There are an awful lot of nasty bugs around this winter. DP was pretty grumpy this morning, complained about DD playing loud music when he was trying to sleep, but seems better now. At least, he made us cocktails to celebrate finally completing installing picture rails in our bedroom (it's only taken 8 months!!)

Any news from your man?

TisTheSeasonToBeSolo · 07/12/2008 22:53

Tanee! yes, I knit, sew, embroider, crochet, paint(not for a long time though)used to do tatting in my youth too...Very much like to craft.
I have in recent weeks made hats, scarfettes, hand muffs, hat~scarves(on my second), an adult sized peaked type of beret...made up all but one of these things by eye too! very proud as I'd never attempted to make things up before! Also make my blankets which I occasionally get orders for, though I've yet to make any money from as I've had to have my machine repaired several times...mostly, I do them and everything else as gifts. I have a few things to finish for Dd and a hat~scarfe to finish for Sunday. 5 blankets(big ones)to get done for Christmas and 4 smaller ones ~ again for Christmas and only 2 are paying orders! Wont make me rich will it!

Had a brief call from himself tonight. He was supposed to call me back at 10 and hasn't. I have been getting angry again today after starting to feel calmer this past week.

I hope you are ok sweetie. kind

Tanee58 · 08/12/2008 17:32

Sounds like we have crafting in common. I taught myself tatting many years ago, but gave up after making a couple of doilies as it seemed too labour intensive and made my fingers sore!

So - did he call you?

I'm ok except that I am now going down with this cold that our lodger is happily spreading through our household. Not happy as it's my third cold in as many months. My immune system must be down. Might be an idea to have a flu jab...

TisTheSeasonToBeSolo · 08/12/2008 18:35

No, he didn't call back. I know he often can't get a signal when he's away at work and I've experienced that for myself when I went there once.

Are you a member of Ravelry? I've put some pics on there of my latest projects. Not under the name solo though ~ someone had already gotten that name , I'm on there as willowsragbags.

We've all been ill since August
Hope you feel better soon...

MincePirate · 08/12/2008 19:00

solo, i just don't understand how you became so slowly brainwashed into thinking this is normal.

the whole thing ain't normal. He is living a whole life that is so different to the one 'you' thik you have together. Even now, he's not fighting for you. What does that say to you?

NOT that you are not worth it, but just that he is immature, pathetic and deserves nothing from you whatsoever.

i can see if you have had bad realtiosnhips, int he past how it must be hard to differentiate bad habits, behaviours etc...

let this be the final and last person to treat you like shit PLEASE. If you continue to make excuses for him and respond to his tidbits, then you are only treating yourself like crap instead.

I hope you can let go of him.

TisTheSeasonToBeSolo · 08/12/2008 19:17

Ok.

TisTheSeasonToBeSolo · 08/12/2008 19:23

I think that the majority of men are a crap lot tbh...I really, really doubt that there is anything better for me out there. At least he doesn't beat or sexually abuse me...

Tanee58 · 08/12/2008 19:47

Solo, I am not on Ravelry - but I will have a look .

I think we all base our expectations of men (or indeed, women) on our experiences - and yours have been indeed very negative. I wonder whether that's why you accept his behaviour - because as you say, it could be so much worse. But honestly Solo, you sound like you are a great person, and if not for yourself, for your DD, you need to raise the bar for what you expect and accept. There ARE good men out there. Nobody is perfect, but there is a difference between being a bit imperfect and just taking the - and it sounds like this man is doing that to you. If he couldn't get a signal last night, what was to stop him ringing or texting you when he could? And when you think about it, having no man at all is better than having someone so unreliable, so far away and so UNINVOLVED! Because honestly, it sounds like you are putting in all the work here. I know you think of him as your DP, but does he feel the same? Does he call you his DP? It's really, really hard to say this to you as none of us want you hurt any more than you have been, but listen to your own gut feelings. You were angry with him, then you found an excuse - no signal. There are always landlines and phone boxes, or just phoning when he COULD get a signal. Perhaps it's time to stop making excuses. His behaviour is not due to any lack in you, but a HUGE lack in him. He sounds like he just ain't worth it. Sorry to say this, but is he??

TisTheSeasonToBeSolo · 08/12/2008 20:48

He phoned a few minutes ago. I asked him about not phoning back last night and his phone is once again on the fritz. Who knows? He was ok on the phone. He's having knee surgery tomorrow and says he'll phone when he's out of theatre and will be back as soon as he's able to drive. We've been invited to a Christmas soiree on Saturday and I may end up going on my own(he says he'd babysit if he isn't up to going), or I might take my Dc/s with me and just stay for an hour or so...
I know it sounds like I'm not listening, but I really am. I'm hugely pensive and do nothing without thinking, thinking, thinking and thinking some more.

Tanee, I will add some pics of my latest creations to my profile, but you'll have to look under solo, not this Christmas name.

TisTheSeasonToBeSolo · 08/12/2008 21:07

Actually, they are on this profile, not solo...

Tanee58 · 08/12/2008 21:44

Ooh they are lovely - and so is the little model ! I love yarns with interesting textures and colours. Am knitting a scarf in a fine lacey pattern in a gorgeous peacock blue. It's taking ages...

Glad he phoned you tonight . Hope his op goes well. My BIL had a hip replacement at the age of 49 last year, and it made a world of difference! He's running again!

I'm going to bed now to nurse my cold. Take care.

TisTheSeasonToBeSolo · 08/12/2008 22:13

Thank you! sleep well, feel better soon...

HolyGuacamole · 09/12/2008 18:55

Hey, I thought it was sad what you said last night at 19:23 I don't mean that in a patronising, pitying, yucky way but just in the way that its a real shame.

There are great men out there, honestly. You just never hear of the good ones because they are too busy not causing dramas, not having affairs and generally not ruining other peoples lives. Some men (I know its hard to believe) take pride in how well they treat their families/wives/partners/girlfriends, and regardless - I hope you discover that - whether its with your current man or someone else.

Hope you're feeling a bit better.

PS: you have more patience than I can ever hope to have

TisTheSeasonToBeSolo · 09/12/2008 23:19

Patience? with what HG?

HolyGuacamole · 09/12/2008 23:25

Sorry I'm kinda new-ish on MN and not so great at explaining myself I just meant patience with this man of yours. I couldn't hold my water for as long as you have.

TisTheSeasonToBeSolo · 09/12/2008 23:37

I have been really calm over this, which is very unusual for me when it comes to the affairs of my heart. I know some MNetters have questioned why on earth I love him, but love him I do...in January when we had a bit of a ding dong, I was a mess emotionally. I lost a stone in days as I couldn't eat. I have no idea why I am so calm during this heart wrenching situation...maybe because I finally got my proof and caught him red handed and maybe because she was/is a moose compared to me. I sound unkind, but I do wish I could have taken a photo of her because I know, deep down inside that I knock spots off her at least in the looks/figure department.
Going to put a pic of me on this profile and strut around a bit!
You know what? I have bought my Dc's 3 chistmas gifts from the charity shop and lots of generous mnetters have offered me books for my lo's. Dp(?) has not once offered me any money to go Christmas shopping for even his Dd &

HolyGuacamole · 09/12/2008 23:51

I am glad she is a moose and no you definitely don't sound unkind! In fact the opposite....you sound way too kind

Putting it nicely - what a tightwad.....him not you!

TisTheSeasonToBeSolo · 09/12/2008 23:58

LOL!!! yes! and he is not exactly poor like me either! Git!
I was amazed that she was not a tall, leggy blond tbh! that was what I expected! she was twice my size I didn't/don't understand it at all...

ruddynorah · 10/12/2008 00:19

solo- in the last 4 years where has he spent christmas day? and what does he do outside term time? do you then still only see him every couple of weeks?

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