What a bloody night I've had...

[SOLOtsofBangers]

Dp tells me he has two weeks off. He then tells me 3 days later that he's going on holiday. On his own. Nothing unusual there. I tell him that I'd quite like it if he'd actually spend some time with me for a change(we have never lived together). He leaves as he has a 'meeting' to go to.
I go to my parents house to be told that Dad has cancer...I had my suspicions, but I'm lost really. My son has taken it badly, but Dd too young to understand. Dp rings me before he runs off to his 'meeting' ~ he's late he says. Half hour later he rings again except that he hasn't ~ his phone has dialled my number in his pocket. I can hear a convo going on between a woman and him and he mentions that she hasn't paid for Antigua anyway(joke, joke, joke etc). Antigua, he told me he was going to Egypt! Alone! He's obviously at his house, so I made a quick dash to his with our Dd, knocked on the door, he answered ~ looked shocked. Said I couldn't come in, I asked if 'meeting' had been cancelled, he said he had someone here, it wasn't convenient. I shouted through the house 'hope you have a nice holiday with my boyfriend'. He says you might as well come in now then, it's out in the open.
She's not quite what I would have imagined her to be. He's very good looking, she's not and it's not just me being bitchy, because I'm really not that sort. I asked her how long she's been seeing him and she says....
4 years!.
I've been with him for 4 years! I'm so bloody angry. She didn't know about me or our Dd.
Anyway, I shouted a bit, really wanted to hit him but I wont lower myself to that.
I think I've spoiled their holiday...
I don't really want to hear 'get shot of him' tbh. I just needed to vent. I'm hurting so badly. I wanted to believe that he wouldn't do that to me, that he was different, that he would want me and our Dd in his life over other women. I was wrong.
4 years wasted. 4 bloody years. I can't even cry I'm so angry.

TheMoon, I don't know who he was seeing first, but I asked him how long and he said 'too long', I asked her and she said 4 years. He and I have just passed our 4 year anniversary.
I rang his mum and she thought she'd not see my Dd anymore, but I told her, no, I'd still bring her over etc. She said that one of his ex's from 30+ years ago went to the airport because she had a feeling he was doing the dirty and she saw him coming out of the airport with OW. They apparently stayed together for a while and had a child together too. History repeating itself sadly. So I guess that makes him a serial shite doesn't it? and his mum knows what he's like and says she's really sorry he's done this to me and Dd.
I have only told my best friend in rl. I feel very stupid tbh.

Solo - your Dad will never, ever leave you. He will be with you forever - because he is your Dad and it is obvious that you love each other.

catsmother, you are right, I'm sure. He did say when he told me that he was going on holiday before the saga that he felt guilty and selfish. He is a nightmare.

Swedes, Ds's father has not been found by CSA, so I have never had anything from him.

I am on a career break from work and cannot afford to go back atm as childcare is so expensive. I earn too much to get much help but not enough to live and pay for childcare on my own iyswim. I would be dropping my kids at a CM's at 05:45 and not collecting them until 8pm...then there's every other weekend. ^^ so difficult.

shabster, I know he will be, but I just can't bear it. I needed to have Dp's strong arms around me giving me strength and comfort and instead he's off lording it up in the Caribbean with OW(if she's still gone).
I've been so supportive of him.

Solo - You shouldn't feel stupid. It's not stupid to trust people. For just a moment imagine how their relationship is going to pan out? He has been cheating on 'her' for the duration of their relationship, their relationship is based on cheating and deceit. They sound horrible, the pair of them.

I said to him last night that I had trusted him and he said you shouldn't have trusted me. He said he can't keep his dick in his pants. I do feel stupid Swedes, he's made a fool of me and I love him so much...everyone knows how much I love the man.

Oh Solo I'm soo sorry My dad this to my mum so have an idea of what you're going through.

Out of interest why the two seperate houses?

SOLO He hasn't made a fool out of you, he has made a fool out of himself. You are a loyal, trusting, bystander. If you love him, can you forgive him? Might he be able to finally mend his ways? If yes, might you have a future together?

He doesn't sound very loveable tbh.

Solo, I am so, so sorry to hear of this.

You don't love him - you love a man who doesn't exist. You will realise that in time, but this is horribly painful for you now. He's a nob. He's admitted as much, even though he's tried to turn it on you and say YOU shouldn't have trusted him - so he's just been true to himself and this mess is all YOUR fault. It is not. You were entitled to trust a man whom you had known for 4 years and had a child with.

He's always been a nob. He was a nob 30+ years ago - he's a serial nob, he must, in that case, be around my age, and he ain't never going to change, he will always be a nob. OW probably didn't know about you - she is not a horrible person, she has also been taken in by the nob. Whatever line he spins her, I doubt very much if they will last because she, too, will never trust him again.

I hope a jellyfish gets him!

As for you, don't feel foolish telling your RL friends and family, they will rally round. You have done nothing wrong, you only trusted a man - as we all do. We need to trust, to love. When that fails, it hurts like hell, but there ARE men out there who will not let you down, and you will meet one.

I'm also so sorry to hear about your Dad. I hope his treatments goes well. People do survive cancer - I did - or the treatments they can offer now can give people so much more time than before.

He's never married Twims and has always been independent, although he has lived with a few women long term. I thought it was because he'd been burnt a few times tbh and knowing what I've lost because of living in ex's, I could kind of understood it(does that make sense?). I have my own house and have lived alone(albeit for Dc's)for nearly 12 years. He's lived alone for around 18 years. I thought maybe one day we'd end up moving in together. TUT! fat chance now.

Twims - was probably his idea so he could keep the OW too.

Am really sad for you Solo - sounds so shitty.

At least you have time to decide what you want to do.

Were you totally happy with the relationship?
Sex only twice since dd was born doesnt sound great (obv he was getting it somewhere else!) and you didnt live together. Sounds an unconventional relationship as you were together for 4 years.

My god, I am getting angrier by the minute for you. You shouldn't have trusted him ..... FFS !!! So ..... this is your fault. The "man" is beyond cruel. If he knows he's going to be screwing around and one woman is never going to be enough for him then he has no right whatsoever to continue with ANY relationship that looks as if it's getting serious, let alone bring an innocent child into his mess. No way is this your fault, and TBH, it sounds as if the other woman involved could have been totally in the dark too. He invited and encouraged your trust because he was too much of an arrogant self centred prick to do the right thing and let you go so you could have had the opportunity to meet someone you really deserved.

You're not stupid, because if we didn't let go and trust someone at some point, there'd never be any serious relationships at all. HE is the stupid one, HE'S abused your trust - and abused it, dare I say it, far in excess of "normal" affairs (if there's ever such a thing) because he was running two of you in paralell - he doesn't even have the excuse that your relationship turned sour so he sought comfort at a later date. He's completely and utterly selfish, end of.

Tanee, thank you. He's 51. Successful, well paid and intelligent.

I've been married twice, once to a violent man and once to a man that nearly lost me my house several times. Ds's father was a relationship that cheated on me in my bed. I thought I'd finally found a good man. How wrong I was.

I just want to wake up and find I was dreaming the whole of yesterday.

Yes, I'd take him back. I truly love him.

And please, please, please don't keep this to yourself. Tell your friends and family because they will be a source of the comfort and support you're going to need. No-one will think you stupid and everyone will feel horrified for you. The more people know, and the more you see their disgust at what's happened to you, the more strength you'll find because all those people can't be wrong.

Oh Solo - what a terrible situation. I'm so angry for you! He's 51 for god's sake and he has kids - he needs to grow the hell up!

Please don't take him back. He's not going to change for you - surely, you must see that? You have to think about your children, particularly your DD, and the example that you would be setting for them if you did.

If you do take him back, you are condemning yourself to a life of misery and you deserve so much better than that!

Solo - if you want to take him back, and that is a choice only you can make, it sounds like you will have to accept that he will have other women as well as you.

Some people can live with an "open relationship", though I don't think I could. But you need to consider that that will be the situation if you do decide to let him stay in your life as your DP

LOL@ jellyfish getting him! The only holiday I've had with him, I got 16 jellyfish stings! It was bad! and unfortunately, because I had problems due to them, he now knows the correct way to deal with jf stings and so he wouldn't suffer like I did!

Sweetheart, you are reeling ..... we can all appreciate that but I urge you to think very long and hard before having him back. There's no way on earth he would change at 51 without a long period of heavy duty counselling to unearth why he behaves like a selfish cruel user (which is what he is) and for that to stand the remotest possibility of being successful he'd have to want to change - truly - which I doubt he does.

You would never be able to forget this. Even before I read the double life details of your original post I was already thinking how selfish he was for "telling" (not discussing) you he was off on holiday - and you weren't invited. Most loving couples don't operate like that - sure, some take separate holidays, but with the full knowledge and agreement of their partners, not as a like it or lump it fait accompli. I thought that was bad enough but all the other stuff ..... it would always be with you, you would always be wondering what was true, and where he was. You would end up having a nervous breakdown. This isn't a fling, this is a deliberately chosen double life ..... and he has form (did you only find out about his other child today, from his mum ??!!).

Please don't put yourself through the torture of a continued "relationship" with him. I understand totally how disappointed you feel, how hurt, how bereft and how what you understood to be your life, isn't, but staying with someone like this won't make you feel better. There are loads of other men out there - when and if you're ready again to start thinking about a partner. Normal men, who aren't violent, who aren't dishonest, and who'd treat you with respect ...... and it's not so bad being on your own either if that's how you find yourself.

I never saw myself as a single mum with two Dc's by two different men. I always thought my life would be like my mum and dads...they've been married for over 45 years. Not always happily, but together and raising a family. I don't think I'll ever find that happiness or type of relationship. How on Earth could I ever trust another man anyway? I've had just about every type of abuse going from the men I've had relationships with. I can't think that it'd get better tbh.

It can be better than that.

Don't make any decisions now. You need to take time to let everything sink in.

You need to think about what you really want for you and the DCs

But take time

So so sorry that you have been so deceived. I know you said that you didn't want to hear it but it's true, you are well rid. If he's done it before he will do it again and again and again. If you are stupid (which of course you are not then so is the OW who is now also wondering who on earth is the person she is with). He is a selfish man and clearly not that bothered who he hurts.

Easier said than done, but concentrate your energies on time with your Dad now.

((hugs))

I'm trying to get my head around this. Sorry solo, I don't think I know much of your past situation, or have conversed much with you on Mumsnet so do tell me if I'm speaking out of terms here.

He's your boyfriend and the father of your daughter.
You have a son from a previous relationship.
You've been with him for 4 years.
You live in separate houses - how does that work exactly?
He takes 3 holidays each year alone.
He earns a good salary and gives you a little for necessities for your dd.

This isn't a good grounding for a relationship is it really? You deserve so much better than that. Were you ever going to live together? Had you discussed the future at all? Did he spend weekends with you?

Sounds as though he's been leading a kind of triple life. One as a single man with his own income to spend as he likes, no kids in his house, has evenings to himself, batchelor holidays etc.
Then he is a family man, with a daughter and a partner who takes emotional care of him, sees to his chores etc.
Then he is a playboy with a girlfriend who he takes on holiday, has dates with etc.

He's been living the life of Riley!

But no more. His girlfriend can choose whether or not to stay with this cheating lowlife loser. So can you. He has responsibilities to his daughter - you can get advice from the CAB on where to go with that. Perhaps he can take on a bit of responsibility and have both children over every other weekend so that you have a lovely weekend to yourself?

You are a loving, trusting and kind person. You deserve the same in return. He's now set you free. You can choose to stay with him, although he hasn't offered to give up his life has he? Or you can choose to show him the door and start afresh. You have your own home, you have coped with your children alone - you've practically been a single mum for these last 4 years!

You have only one life to live, so live it. Don't accept anything but the best from now on. As that corny advert says, you're worth it!

Message withdrawn

Catsmother, I was on my own for years(about 5)before I met him. I was so lonely I can't tell you. He was like a knight in shining armour. A real gent that treated me right ~ or so I thought.
I'm bawling my eyes out now. I know you are right.
I have always known about his other child ~ a girl. She's 31 and has been awful too. She doesn't ever liked the women her father has been involved with and has apparantly been instrumental in breaking up some of his relationships in the past. She wont acknowledge my Dd at all. Totally her loss of course, but that has put a strain on our 'relationship' too.
I'm just wondering if there are any other siblings out there that he's helped to produce. Now, I doubt I'd be surprised.