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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What a bloody night I've had...

369 replies

SOLOtsofBangers · 05/11/2008 00:30

Dp tells me he has two weeks off. He then tells me 3 days later that he's going on holiday. On his own. Nothing unusual there. I tell him that I'd quite like it if he'd actually spend some time with me for a change(we have never lived together). He leaves as he has a 'meeting' to go to.
I go to my parents house to be told that Dad has cancer...I had my suspicions, but I'm lost really. My son has taken it badly, but Dd too young to understand. Dp rings me before he runs off to his 'meeting' ~ he's late he says. Half hour later he rings again except that he hasn't ~ his phone has dialled my number in his pocket. I can hear a convo going on between a woman and him and he mentions that she hasn't paid for Antigua anyway(joke, joke, joke etc). Antigua, he told me he was going to Egypt! Alone! He's obviously at his house, so I made a quick dash to his with our Dd, knocked on the door, he answered ~ looked shocked. Said I couldn't come in, I asked if 'meeting' had been cancelled, he said he had someone here, it wasn't convenient. I shouted through the house 'hope you have a nice holiday with my boyfriend'. He says you might as well come in now then, it's out in the open.
She's not quite what I would have imagined her to be. He's very good looking, she's not and it's not just me being bitchy, because I'm really not that sort. I asked her how long she's been seeing him and she says....
4 years!.
I've been with him for 4 years! I'm so bloody angry. She didn't know about me or our Dd.
Anyway, I shouted a bit, really wanted to hit him but I wont lower myself to that.
I think I've spoiled their holiday...
I don't really want to hear 'get shot of him' tbh. I just needed to vent. I'm hurting so badly. I wanted to believe that he wouldn't do that to me, that he was different, that he would want me and our Dd in his life over other women. I was wrong.
4 years wasted. 4 bloody years. I can't even cry I'm so angry.

OP posts:
HolyGuacamole · 10/12/2008 00:19

It's weird how men do that? My dad had many affairs and as he got older, the women he humped got more moose-like, in fact, for some of them 'moose-like' is a compliment He stopped being able to pull the younger, slimmer, more good looking ones, partly because he himself was fattening up and I guess even the fat wallet which was his carrot on a stick, became less attractive too (and by the way, we as kids rarely got to see that fat wallet!)

My (now) step mum was there (in the background) thru all my parents marriage, ended up with him and still thinks he is the bees knees to this day....she thinks any moment he is gonna run away with a Claudia Schiffer look-a-like but realistically - that just ain't gonna happen....doesn't stop her from thinking it tho

Can sort of laugh about it now but back then it was defo not funny in the slightest.

TisTheSeasonToBeSolo · 10/12/2008 00:26

Ruddynorah...the only Christmas day he has spent with me was in 2006 and that was probably because Dd was due Dec 19th and she arrived on Boxing Day. He has been working or with his other daughter for Christmas dinner.

I have put a pic on my profile of him, me and Dd, won't leave it there for long though...he is IMO very good looking, even now.

TisTheSeasonToBeSolo · 10/12/2008 00:27

Ruddynorah, what do you mean by the reference to term time?

HolyGuacamole · 10/12/2008 00:45

Yeah, he is better looking than my old man that's for sure You also look a lot younger than him.

dittany · 10/12/2008 00:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TisTheSeasonToBeSolo · 10/12/2008 01:05

He is 51, I'm 44...We both look much younger than we are, but I thank you for your complements!
Dittany, love is blind...I'm sure something will happen either way before too long. I just hope that it goes the way I want it to.

ruddynorah · 10/12/2008 12:37

i thought you said he was teaching at a college? so thought he'd have time off out of term time? so that would kind of be the better bit of working away monday to friday at the college. just doesn't add up, but then you know that.

TisTheSeasonToBeSolo · 10/12/2008 14:03

No, he lectures at a different type of college, a vocational college and they work all year round, so no, no half term or long holidays for him I'm afraid!

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 10/12/2008 15:42

solo, I keep drifting in and out of this thread but have read it all

why are you waiting for "something" to happen ?

are you waiting for him to hurt you again? For him to finally decide yes, the grass is greener with the moose (if not the current one, then another one) and dump you on your arse

wouldn't your self-esteem (which by your own admission is rock-bottom) be better boosted by taking the decision into your own hands ?

If you "wait" for something to happen, I fear it will just further perpetuate this idea you mistakenly have that you are not worth anything more

TisTheSeasonToBeSolo · 10/12/2008 15:54

I just think that if he is going to go, then he can do the going iyswim. I'm not going to be the one that Dd thinks of as the person that told her daddy to get lost. I will not be the bad guy here. Alternatively, if he stays and things get better, then I've got what I want haven't I? and Dd will have her dad in her life with her mum.

HolyGuacamole · 10/12/2008 16:27

Sorry to butt in again....

I just wanted to give another view....that you would not be seen as the 'bad guy'....but as a strong woman/mum who does not put up with shitty men in her life, which maybe is a better example to give children.

I apologise for referring back to my own little crappy experience to back up my reasoning, but I wish my mum had chucked my dad out when we were little, then maybe I would have had better expectations of men and might not have had to learn so much on my own (by choosing exactly the same types of men as my father when I was younger) and maybe I could have avoided a lot of issues that hung around me for years till I shook them off.

Plus, staying with my cheating father completely destroyed my mother with regards to self esteem, worthiness - we spent years watching this very slow downward slope, and kids DO know, I have my first memory from age 4 of things just not being right...blah blah....you get the picture and I know u don't want to hear it but I hope you don't mind me saying it?

My step mum, has inherited my dad as he always has been, he hasn't ever changed and never will, it's all on his terms, he picks and chooses and she accepts it and waits and waits and waits....but she will never 'have' him. She will end up like my mother. I am just hoping that I can somehow guide my young step brother into not treating women the way my dad does I see signs of it in him just by the way he speaks to my step mum at times he is 12.

What I was saying last night was that maybe for you, this man is so fantastic....but...not everyone, man or woman is gonna think that and I sense a little bit of your man knowing fine well you will wait on him no matter what. I think he suffers from a bit of over-flattery, too comfortable knowing the 'world' revolves around his choices as and when he chooses to make them.

dittany · 10/12/2008 16:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 10/12/2008 16:49

Completely agree with HG and Dittany.

He is the bad guy.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 10/12/2008 16:51

solo, how is your dad btw?

dittany · 10/12/2008 16:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TisTheSeasonToBeSolo · 10/12/2008 17:33

I know what you are saying here, I really do.
Dittany, I spent years on my own, night after night, Ds in bed, me lonely, alone, miserable and sinking into deep depression. He helped get me out of that spiral. I know I don't owe him anything.

If he goes, then I wont want him anywhere near Dd.

TisTheSeasonToBeSolo · 10/12/2008 17:42

Dad is very ill AF, thank you for asking. I try to see them/him several times a week, often more to support them, take mum shopping etc.
He's had his radiotherapy now, but he seems so short of breath and in pain. We all sit in a sauna whilst he sits shivering. It's a horrible disease and if any of you smoke, please, please get help and give it up. Dad has heart failure and emphysema too, so is not in a good place really. It's very sad because he is a good man and a true gentleman. I have never heard a bad thing said about Dad and only good things, complements and warm heartedness towards him. He would have done anything for anyone. He is getting grumpy just recently though, which I'm certain is to do with the way he feels rather than a change in character.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 10/12/2008 20:02

aww so sorry solo about your dad

his situation sounds thoroughly miserable for him, he must be feeling like absolute hell

when I was a child, my granny died a slow and frequently painful/frghtening death of emphysema

it was fucking awful

TisTheSeasonToBeSolo · 10/12/2008 20:09

I know...the thing is that he gave up smoking on the advice of the health service because of the emphysema and the cancer started ~ apparently that is very common, long term smokers continuing to smoke keep the tumours from starting, something to do with the nicotine...dad smoked for 60 years. If he'd carried on smoking he'd probably not have got cancer, but would likely be in a state from the other...I'm so glad I've never smoked.

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