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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What a bloody night I've had...

369 replies

SOLOtsofBangers · 05/11/2008 00:30

Dp tells me he has two weeks off. He then tells me 3 days later that he's going on holiday. On his own. Nothing unusual there. I tell him that I'd quite like it if he'd actually spend some time with me for a change(we have never lived together). He leaves as he has a 'meeting' to go to.
I go to my parents house to be told that Dad has cancer...I had my suspicions, but I'm lost really. My son has taken it badly, but Dd too young to understand. Dp rings me before he runs off to his 'meeting' ~ he's late he says. Half hour later he rings again except that he hasn't ~ his phone has dialled my number in his pocket. I can hear a convo going on between a woman and him and he mentions that she hasn't paid for Antigua anyway(joke, joke, joke etc). Antigua, he told me he was going to Egypt! Alone! He's obviously at his house, so I made a quick dash to his with our Dd, knocked on the door, he answered ~ looked shocked. Said I couldn't come in, I asked if 'meeting' had been cancelled, he said he had someone here, it wasn't convenient. I shouted through the house 'hope you have a nice holiday with my boyfriend'. He says you might as well come in now then, it's out in the open.
She's not quite what I would have imagined her to be. He's very good looking, she's not and it's not just me being bitchy, because I'm really not that sort. I asked her how long she's been seeing him and she says....
4 years!.
I've been with him for 4 years! I'm so bloody angry. She didn't know about me or our Dd.
Anyway, I shouted a bit, really wanted to hit him but I wont lower myself to that.
I think I've spoiled their holiday...
I don't really want to hear 'get shot of him' tbh. I just needed to vent. I'm hurting so badly. I wanted to believe that he wouldn't do that to me, that he was different, that he would want me and our Dd in his life over other women. I was wrong.
4 years wasted. 4 bloody years. I can't even cry I'm so angry.

OP posts:
solo · 19/11/2008 08:54

Thank you HMFG, I needed that ALL hugs gratefully received.

blinks · 19/11/2008 09:44

oh dear... i wouldn't trust him as far as i could throw him.

Tanee58 · 19/11/2008 14:50

Solo, Try not to worry too much about how DS will cope - he has a loving mother and sister, and he will adjust. Perhaps it's too early to tell him - you could just wait until he asks, if DP hasn't appeared for awhile and it starts to become obvious that he's not coming back. And try not to show that you are upset as that will distress him more than if are just matter of fact about it.

But do you really think he will disappear for good, when he has DD to see? Would he keep in touch for her sake?

solo · 19/11/2008 17:18

I think he would take it as far as he'd have to to see and have access to Dd. But as I've already said, if he doesn't want 'us' as a family, then I'd rather he just sodded off. The thought of him taking her off for the weekend fills me with dread. These are my children and I've brought them up without the help of their fathers...

solo · 19/11/2008 17:19

Blinks, I don't trust him, but it's a complicated relationship sadly

BitOfFun · 23/11/2008 23:33

Bleedin' nora solo, this has been so crap for you! I think I'd feel the same tbh- I'd want to cut contact. Is this an option, even for six months? Just so you can get your head together and focus on dealing with your dad's illness, and getting some tlc from your family and friends? I do think you can do without him in your life right now. God, I wish I knew him, I would so kick him in the bollocks!

solo · 23/11/2008 23:46

LOL!!! I love him...sad but true
He has let us all down. Dd says Daddy every time she see's his dressing gown. I just want to scream I'm so bloody angry with him. How could he do this to us? Why?! Grrrrrrrr...

solo · 23/11/2008 23:51

I think what I want is for him to give me some kind of commitment. A promise from hiim that he'll be only mine. Something more than he's ever given me before.

I'm still so angry.

wabbit · 24/11/2008 00:17

Solo - you poor poppet... huge {{{hugs}}} for you.

I've been through this and if it's any consolation, you're so much better off knowing, you can rise above him, focus on YOU and DD and DS... don't worry about his access rights, if he's reasonable he'll let you go at your own pace, if he's not (like my ex) find a family law solicitor and go into mediation.

He's a liar

He'll trip himself up over his lies

And then I hope for your sake - he'll bugger off and start again somewhere new

(like my ex)

dittany · 24/11/2008 00:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wabbit · 24/11/2008 00:51

The courts would see it as being in solo's dd's best interests to keep up the relationship with her birth father. They would insist on a process of mediation if the parents could not work out access amicably.

dittany · 24/11/2008 01:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wabbit · 25/11/2008 02:32

Not according to my Solicitor, it doesn't really work on past involvement... it's about maintaining consistent involvement from the time mediation/the courts/a solicitor have been involved

it sucks from the mother's point of view... and you have to play ball

Though I'm sure I don't, I feel I know just how Solo feels - I have been through an extraordinarily similar scenario ( there's more than one selfish, egotistic, arrogant twunt like exP)

I'm not arguing with you dittany, I feel you're absolutley right and access should relate to the level of committment a father/mother has invested in their relationships... sadly it doesn't, but, this doesn't mean you can't make the system work to your favour...

solo · 25/11/2008 22:38

Feeling really low tonight...

mumoverseas · 26/11/2008 08:00

hi Solo, sorry there was no one on last night when you needed virtual hugs.
Hope you managed some sleep and are feeling better today. How is your dad now?
As so many others have said, try to focus on you and your children, not this man who doesn't deserve your love. Chin up x

solo · 26/11/2008 23:06

Thanks MOS, I had a bad night last night. Dd is ill bless her. Always me that is left holding the baby

Dad had his treatment today and is not at all well
Mum was talking about things today like would I like Dads car etc...I said no, that she would need every penny. I don't think we should be talking in terms of Dad's going to die, but that he is going to live. We need to keep him positive and fight this thing together as a family.

My life is shit right now.

Tanee58 · 27/11/2008 09:10

Solo, how are you today? Hope DD is feeling better. You are going through a dreadful time, but at least you have your lovely DCs.

Your mother is probably trying to distract herself from your Dad's illness by making plans and lists. It's giving her something to think about. Cancer treatment is ghastly -sometimes seems worse than the disease - I remember feeling really washed out for days after my chemo -then gradually feeling better over the next three weeks, just in time to be zapped again!

Big hugs to you and your family. Take things day by day, plan little treats for yourself and the Dcs- a long bath with bubbles and candles, an evening with a funny DVD, a trip somewhere you haven't been before or to a favourite place of the children's - a favourite meal -just little things to make the days brighter. It WILL pass. Promise.

solo · 27/11/2008 12:40

Thanks Tanee.
Oh to have the spare money to do anything nice. I could have a soak in the bath, but I don't enjoy that very much anymore tbh. Does work better when you have a glass of wine, but I can't even afford that. Sad cow me!

How are you doing Tanee? kind

mumoverseas · 27/11/2008 12:48

Hi Solo, sorry your DD is ill too. Mine has been ill the last few days and it really is hard work isn't it. My DH is working abroad and won't be back for 3 weeks so I'm finding it really hard, particularly as 27 weeks pregnant.
I agree you need to keep positive as a family and like I said before, forget the worthless excuse of a man that is your DD's father. Sorry money is tight. Can't remember if he is paying any maintenance for her? If not, you really do need to get the ball rolling on that, why the hell should you struggle when he can afford to go off on exotic holidays? Bastard! x

solo · 27/11/2008 13:09

MOS, I know! it peeves me no end(funny that it never has before). He does give me regular money, but nowhere near 15%, but there would be no point in him giving me more(officially)because I'd lose my benefits and be worse off.

Sorry your Dd is poorly too. It is awful isn't it?! no sleep for me for 2 nights now. Dd is very wheezy, even though the practice nurse said her chest was clear. She's very snotty(clear)now and her voice is hoarse ~ sadly, it sounds really cute(wicked mummy!). Got any idea whether I can give her Nurofen AND Benylin childrens coughs and colds. I've been giving the Nurofen to get her temp down as she's been burning up, but that doesn't help the cough.
She's just had a few mouthfuls of rice pudding which is great, but won't make her better...
Hard having sick Dc's when you are pg. I remember it well...

mumoverseas · 27/11/2008 13:46

solo, my DD has an ear infection (have some form of penicillan for that) and now has a cold (for which she was having calpol) then started coughing really badly last night (almost like a dog barking!) went to see chemist this morning and have Boots cough & Decongestant syrup which she is having now. Didn't check that she can still have calpol but on checking the box it doesn't have paracetamol in it so assume it is ok. I'd check if I was you though. It sounds like you do need to treat her cough rather than just the cold. Hope she feels better soon x

solo · 27/11/2008 14:58

Thanks MOS! Hope your Dd is better soon too. x

wabbit · 28/11/2008 09:55

Solo... do you get housing benefit? Maintenance payments are no longer taken into account in HB payments so you will not lose out there - if he's on a good income you should pursue him through the CSA - have you been to see a solicitor? you'll qualify for Legal Aid - get you access hours sorted to YOUR satisfaction as soon as possible...

So sorry everything's so hard for you at the moment {{{Hugs}}}

solo · 28/11/2008 14:54

Wabbit, I do get the interest paid on my mortgage, yes. If he gets shitty then I'll consider going through the CSA, but I'd lose council tax and IS, so I would be worse off. 15% of his net earnings is about £375, he gives me a bit over half of that now and I get more than the remainder in benefits, so it does not make financial sense. If I'd not been in receipt of benefits, I'd still have no heating and hot water.
Not been to a solicitor, I'm not sure that I need to atm.
As far as him seeing Dd is concerned, I'd sooner he didn't. He's hardly been here in her life at all, so she would soon forget... do I need a hard hat?

mumoverseas · 28/11/2008 16:05

No, you don't need a hard hat solo! He is an arse and doesn't deserve anyones sympathy. I can totally understand why you don't want him seeing DD, however, you need to consider her. Does she want to see him? At the end of the day, you are in control as you have all the rights and he doesn't (does he have parental responsibility?) - Is he named on the birth certificate? If so, depending on how old she is (can't remember, sorry!) he may or may not have parental responsibility. At the end of the day if you won't agree to contact, his only recourse is an application to the Court for a defined Contact order. I know you have every right to be angry/bitter/pissed off, but just think about whether DD wants to see him. Might be best for things to settle a bit first though?
Hope she is better today, mine is still very snotty and coughing all the time

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