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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What a bloody night I've had...

369 replies

SOLOtsofBangers · 05/11/2008 00:30

Dp tells me he has two weeks off. He then tells me 3 days later that he's going on holiday. On his own. Nothing unusual there. I tell him that I'd quite like it if he'd actually spend some time with me for a change(we have never lived together). He leaves as he has a 'meeting' to go to.
I go to my parents house to be told that Dad has cancer...I had my suspicions, but I'm lost really. My son has taken it badly, but Dd too young to understand. Dp rings me before he runs off to his 'meeting' ~ he's late he says. Half hour later he rings again except that he hasn't ~ his phone has dialled my number in his pocket. I can hear a convo going on between a woman and him and he mentions that she hasn't paid for Antigua anyway(joke, joke, joke etc). Antigua, he told me he was going to Egypt! Alone! He's obviously at his house, so I made a quick dash to his with our Dd, knocked on the door, he answered ~ looked shocked. Said I couldn't come in, I asked if 'meeting' had been cancelled, he said he had someone here, it wasn't convenient. I shouted through the house 'hope you have a nice holiday with my boyfriend'. He says you might as well come in now then, it's out in the open.
She's not quite what I would have imagined her to be. He's very good looking, she's not and it's not just me being bitchy, because I'm really not that sort. I asked her how long she's been seeing him and she says....
4 years!.
I've been with him for 4 years! I'm so bloody angry. She didn't know about me or our Dd.
Anyway, I shouted a bit, really wanted to hit him but I wont lower myself to that.
I think I've spoiled their holiday...
I don't really want to hear 'get shot of him' tbh. I just needed to vent. I'm hurting so badly. I wanted to believe that he wouldn't do that to me, that he was different, that he would want me and our Dd in his life over other women. I was wrong.
4 years wasted. 4 bloody years. I can't even cry I'm so angry.

OP posts:
Tanee58 · 03/12/2008 00:43

Wabbit, me too! I think Solo has a huge frog on her hands but I really hope there's a lovely Prince in her (your - I don't want to seem to be talking behind your back Solo) future. After all, (cliche time) tomorrow is another day!

solo · 03/12/2008 00:46

Time will tell.

If this ends entirely with him, then that is it I'm afraid. I will not have the opportunity even if I want to, to go out and meet anyone. Trust a new man?! I don't think so. No.

Tanee58 · 03/12/2008 00:47

Oh Solo, just read your post. Honestly, don't you think, just a little bit in your heart of hearts, that he IS a stereotype? I have a black friend in her 50s, beautiful lady, had a gorgeous husband who gave her two lovely daughters, but she's the first to say he was a dog, had so many other women, and when she found out, she kicked him out. She's got a new man now, and much as she complains about him too, at least she says other women aren't a problem.

wabbit · 03/12/2008 00:59

night night solo and all

ds woken up crying

solo · 03/12/2008 01:01

Tanee, I have been beaten, robbed blind, raped and abandoned by white men that I've either been going out with or married to or been pregnant by.
I was quite a catch once you know...but always seemed to get the wrong men. I wanted to have the old 'Mum, Dad and two kids, plus dog', but it never happened like that for me.
I thought he was different and he is in many ways, but he has let me down badly ~ I know that. I am a forgiving person and I do forgive him. I want him back and I may get hurt again if he does comes back, but I have to try. I'd rather not have regrets about not trying.
Thank you all again for the pep talk, reality check and much needed virtual hugs.
Anyway, I'm for bed.x

dittany · 03/12/2008 01:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tanee58 · 03/12/2008 01:15

Solo, goodnight. Not all men will shit on you - there are good men out there, of whatever colour. Talk more tomorrow. Sleep well.

dittany · 03/12/2008 01:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 03/12/2008 07:13

I just don't "get" this "oh, men are weak" thing......

These men are loving it

Its the women who allow it who are weak.

Blunt? Oh yes, but women shouldn't kid themselves about it

I also don't understand if you can't/don't ask if your men are faithful, especially if they work away most of the week. You are living a fantasy of your own making. I am not saying all men cheat. My own dh works away, but we both know exactly where we stand.

I am not foolish enough to think just the fact he tells me he is faithful is enough of a guarantee, but it means the boundaries are perfectly clear.

solidgoldbrass · 03/12/2008 09:17

Sorry SOlo, but I think you actually have to take some responsibility here. Just because you wnat a relationship with someone doesn;t mean that you are having one. Have you always been inclined to think that every man who ever smiled at you is your 'partner'? OK that's an exaggeration but you keep saying you want to 'work at your relationship' or 'take him back'. He's not coming 'back@ because he was never there.
I really think you should consider some sort of therapy or at least some selective reading about why you are so desperate for a relationship that you have a tendency to imagine them.

HolyGuacamole · 03/12/2008 09:36

Here here anyf*cker!!!

"he got sucked into the relationship and couldn't get out" I am sorry but that is a crock of shit. EVERYONE has choices in life and this man chose to cheat for 4 (!!!!!!!), yes 4, years.

On the same note it is up to you to choose to forgive him or not but he is not exactly running back to you, begging forgiveness. That is a clear sign of how much he cares.

Like a lot of women on here, your past with sh*te men has given you very low expectations and perception of men, totally understandable. There are good men out there who would never dream of treating a woman like that and you are young enough to still find that out for yourself......but you won't when you're with him.

You say you won't forgive him a second time, well I hope you stay true to your word for the sake of your own sanity and wellbeing.

Perhaps we can forgive one misdemeanor, but, 4 years???? That takes a lot. Honestly, I feel so bad for you, you are too good for this guy and he does not deserve you waiting quietly to see of he will choose you

And, I apologise for saying these things, I know you don't want to hear it but I and many others just won't lie to you.....lets face it, you have been lied to more than enough already and I am so sorry you are in this horrible situation caused by someone else

Hugs for you

solo · 03/12/2008 09:42

Oh I just feel fab now, thanks.

HolyGuacamole · 03/12/2008 10:14

I don't want you feel shit Solo.

I just hate to think that there is yet another female out there being treated like crap. It is so not fair and it is all too common. Men living their secret lives and pretending it all just happened to them outwith their control. As long as women accept this, it will not stop and that is sad.

To try and get the conversation back to a level of progression, what changes does he have to make if he comes back to you? What exactly are the things you will tell him that have to be different? Does he have to see you a certain amount of times a week? Does he have to move in or marry you? Does he have to financially support your child more fairly? Does he have to give you a key to his house and allow you to come and go as you please? What are the changes that he will make, to prove that he is faithful? If you are gonna take this guy back, you need to have some sort of expectations or boundaries.

And then, if he does not fulfill the expectations, what do you do?

Again, I am sorry if it hurts to hear negative opinions but I speak to you on here as if you were one of my own friends in RL. I would be devastated for them and i am devastated for you. I hope this post is more constructive than my last one.

solo · 03/12/2008 10:45

HG, my last wasn't aimed entirely at your post.

I'm not sure yet what I will want to be different if he returns. In an ideal world, living together would help, but it's a little more complex than just moving in together.
He works miles away, so seeing him several times a week wont happen.
I think the first step has to be to find out where we are going(together or not)and if together, sit and make some ground rules.
He will need to woo me again.
I don't need a key to his house. I do believe in trust and he'll know that I'll be watching, listening etc.
Small steps.
If he doesn't come up to scratch, then he will have to go.

lowenergylightbulb · 03/12/2008 11:22

You said earlier in the thread that in January he needed time out to think about you.

So in the space of one year he's needed time out, you've found out about the OW and even after you found out he then went on holiday with the OW.

You see each other sporadically and don't live together.

Can you explain to me what your relationship consists of? Because I can't see a relationship there.

I can see him living his life how he wants to and you hoping for a happy ending and making all sorts of excuses/justifications.

I'm trying to understand why you just won't tell the fucker to piss off and come back when he's capable of committing to being a full time partner and father.

In my world if a bloke is caught with another woman the correct response is for him to crawl over broken glass and beg forgiveness from his wife/partner - not fly off on holiday with the OW.

You sound so lovely, but you're so deluded. Please let the scales fall from your eyes.

Either bin him, or accept that you will only ever get the crumbs from his table. There are no other options here.

solo · 03/12/2008 11:31

Last weekend, he said that the holiday was just too much money for him to just not go.
I feel the same. He should have stayed home or he should have not gone with her.

It's been a 'different' relationship since he was promoted and went to work away and also I was pg when that happened. He didn't want another child and he did change.

Have to go and do stuff now or nothing will get done again.
I will return.

solidgoldbrass · 03/12/2008 12:16

Solo, you really are wasting your time setting out terms on which you will 'take him back'. He isn't coming 'back (because he wasn't there or at least hasn't been there for some time.) and until you accept that you are going to make yourself utterly miserable.
He is NOt That Into You. He is not your partner. There is NO RELATIONSHIP to work on.

HolyGuacamole · 03/12/2008 13:03

The reason I asked about setting terms, was to try and see what Solos expectations were and if she had any at all - regardless of what I think. And if there were expectations and maybe if those expectations would never be met, then it could be one step closer to her deciding if she could be happy on that basis. For example: the basis of not being able to move in together, the basis of not being able to spend more time together etc etc. Like asking yourself "these are the things I want, but will I get them? And what will I do if I don't get them?". Sometimes when we get the things that are out of reach, we realise we never really wanted them in the first place too.

It is easy to say "dump the b@stard" and that is my opinion completely, I totally agree.....but....we all know people who have been shat on, went back, then after a few months of same old, same old, made a decision to walk away with renewed strength. I have that T-shirt unfortunately. Did any of you guys ever ignore your friends when they told you you were better off without some guy? Did you ever chase the impossible and then realise the 'impossible' was actually an asshole of massive proportions? I did, and I (like a lot of you guys on here) learned from it.

I can only 'now' say "dump the b@stard" because of hindsight, being with shitty guys in the past, and being shat on a good few times, eventually finding strength to decide I wasn't having it any longer - there is not a guy on this earth who would treat me like that and get a second chance, I'd much rather be on my own. My shitty experiences made me raise my standards BIG time and not settle for scumbags guys like this guy. I just mean that getting to that point and taking that attitude is really hard.

I also did not want Solo to stop coming on here because of harsh comments, including mine

Sorry for talking about you Solo as if you are not here, I just wanted to explain myself.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 03/12/2008 14:55

holy, I don't think yours or anybodys comments will stop solo from coming back

she is a bigger person than that (I think)and is actually accepting some of the things pointed out (in typical direct MN stylee )

I would also like to say that if solo was a real life friend, my reaction would be the same. Perhaps a little more gentle and delivered over a bottle of wine or two

but an online forum obviously means responses have to be short. I think it works both ways too, I am sure there are novels worth of info that solo has neither the time nor the inclination to post

Tanee58 · 03/12/2008 15:19

Wow, I had a pretty bloody night last night too. Solo, there are many advantages to NOT having a live-in man - and getting a good night's sleep without a middle-aged toddler having a tantrum is one of them!

solo · 03/12/2008 21:20

Tanee, are you ok?

Yes, there are reams that I could write...

HG, I made the T shirt It is easy to say dump him, but it is not what I want. Not yet.

AF, where the hell are you with that vino?

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 03/12/2008 21:22

its here solo, just a pity we can't share it....

put the world to rights, as they say

solo · 03/12/2008 21:29
Sad
HolyGuacamole · 04/12/2008 19:04

Anyfucker, that wine suggestion is the business! I'm thinking 'anyfuckerforalargewhite'

How's things today Solo? Any news?

solo · 04/12/2008 23:22

No, no news...had a few funny emails from him for the first time in ages...

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