What a bloody night I've had...

[SOLOtsofBangers]

Dp tells me he has two weeks off. He then tells me 3 days later that he's going on holiday. On his own. Nothing unusual there. I tell him that I'd quite like it if he'd actually spend some time with me for a change(we have never lived together). He leaves as he has a 'meeting' to go to.
I go to my parents house to be told that Dad has cancer...I had my suspicions, but I'm lost really. My son has taken it badly, but Dd too young to understand. Dp rings me before he runs off to his 'meeting' ~ he's late he says. Half hour later he rings again except that he hasn't ~ his phone has dialled my number in his pocket. I can hear a convo going on between a woman and him and he mentions that she hasn't paid for Antigua anyway(joke, joke, joke etc). Antigua, he told me he was going to Egypt! Alone! He's obviously at his house, so I made a quick dash to his with our Dd, knocked on the door, he answered ~ looked shocked. Said I couldn't come in, I asked if 'meeting' had been cancelled, he said he had someone here, it wasn't convenient. I shouted through the house 'hope you have a nice holiday with my boyfriend'. He says you might as well come in now then, it's out in the open.
She's not quite what I would have imagined her to be. He's very good looking, she's not and it's not just me being bitchy, because I'm really not that sort. I asked her how long she's been seeing him and she says....
4 years!.
I've been with him for 4 years! I'm so bloody angry. She didn't know about me or our Dd.
Anyway, I shouted a bit, really wanted to hit him but I wont lower myself to that.
I think I've spoiled their holiday...
I don't really want to hear 'get shot of him' tbh. I just needed to vent. I'm hurting so badly. I wanted to believe that he wouldn't do that to me, that he was different, that he would want me and our Dd in his life over other women. I was wrong.
4 years wasted. 4 bloody years. I can't even cry I'm so angry.

Dd is 23 months and yes, because I asked him to be, he is on her birth cert. She does love him, but only because I've promoted him in her life, got her all excited etc when he was visiting(which backfired a few times when he changed his plansand didn't turn up).
I spoke to him tonight and he was arsey with me. Said he is pissed off with me because last weekend when he texted to 'change his plans' and not turn up, I dared to text back 'why?', when he'd told me in a previous conversation that he was 'working'. I told him that he has no business being pissed at me asking why, as a few weeks ago I tripped over HIM with another bird(hate that expression, but I used it). It shut him up a bit.
He wants to come over tomorrow to see Dd.

sorry solo but did I read that right? 'he is pissed off with you'? cheeky bastard.
If you don't want him to see DD then make excuse (tell him she is ill which is true!) I do hope that she is better though by now. Mine is still coughing and wheezing and is feeling very sorry for herself! x

Solo, did you let him see DD today? Difficult situation for you. Yes, she will forget him quickly, at her age, but only you can decide if that's fair to her. However, if he wants to continue contact, he MUST keep to set days and not let her down. I've seen the damage that can do -one of DD's friends was always being let down by her father, and in the end she didn't want to see HIM any more.

Is the time ripe to wish cancer of the bell end upon him?

I have just read this whole thread, and I am . Solo, you sound like you have lost the plot. This man is an idiot and has no place in your life, and it should be YOU making that decision, not him! fgs, what messages are you sending to your children?
My deepest sympathies for all the crap you are experiencing atm, but please, where you can, try to retain some dignity. This man has shat on you from a great height, and you should not be rolling over and begging for more!!!

Tanee, yes, we saw him today. I fed him/us and once I'd put Dd to bed, I set about finding some answers from him. He says he feels shame about the way he's been and that he didn't set out to hurt anyone.
It does sound like she also wants him in her life...I said if he was a man he'd put her aside for me and our daughter. I also said that if she was any kind of a woman, that she'd step aside now knowing that he has me and a child. Lots of things were said and I was ok, I didn't get angry, didn't cry etc, I kept very level headed albeit, I did tell him that I was still very angry.
colditz! I love that!
MOS, I know, bloody nerve of him!
Minky, I know what you are saying, but I do love him and want him to be with us. I'm not really rolling over for him, I've made him very uncomfortable and I've hopefully made him think about what he's done. He realises that he has to make a decision and sooner rather than later. He also thinks that I'll never let the subject lie, but I will.
You'd all be really proud of me. I have been so in control of my emotions(in front of him). I've not cried or screamed or slapped him.

MOS, Dd is still unwell, but hopefully the antibiotics will work soon. She's not eaten much again, but she's getting there. Still coughing and wheezing too. Coughed so much last night and this lunch time that she threw up!

Minky, meant to say that my Dc's don't know anything at all...

solo, sorry you're still going through this (Well, it wasn't likely to disappear was it?) but good on you for keeping strong. The best advice I was given when with abusive ex was to imagine giving advice to my own daughter in the same situation and then take it.
It was good advice.
xx

Dittany, he didn't say that to me, I asked bits and pieces and came to the answers from what he said. It sounds like she(OW)is also waiting for a decision from him, so I guess from that that she also wants him.
Not sure what the Alex Ferguson hairdryer treatment is , but Dp has no hair
I guess I've put up with so little because I'm terribly proud and wont ask for anything from anyone. Also, up until maternity leave, I was very self sufficient and independent.
I know I can't force him to want to be with me, but if he does come to me, then he will have to give me more of himself. This will not happen again between he and I. No bloody way! Remember Mrs Bobbit? I'll be her sister in Snippit Town.

VS, yes that is good advice. Thank you!

OK, this may sound really mean, but you are being MAD! He has not told the other womabn that he is not interested in being with her yet??? He has not told you that he is interested in being with you yet? Both of you are hanging around waiting for this untrustworthy man to make a decisions about YOUR futures???
He has lied to you pretty much every day since you've met, fgs since you found out about all this, he's actually told you (can't find the actual post, so probable not correctly copied) that you should never have trusted him, and he can't keep his dick in his pants! He is TELLING YOU NOT TO TRUST HIM!!! WAKE UP!!! He has been paying you less than half of what he should have been paying you since your dd was born. You don't even have a key to his house fgs. He is angry with you for being annoyed at changing his plans, how DARE he??? YOu do not have too much pride, you have far far to little pride. You are not his whore, you thought you were in an equal partnership with him, but I'm afraid he is treating you like an idiot, and if you allow him to then you deserve it.
I don't know you, but I recognise your name, and you are clearly a popular mner, but wtf, why is no one telling you to pull yourself together??? You can not just justify this pathetic acceptance of what he has done to you and your family by saying that you love him, it is not enough. He obviously does not love you. Stop deluding yourself.
You can clearly manage without him, and have been doing since you met him. You do not need to put up with this crap. Regardless of whether or not you tell your dc the ins and outs of all this, one day they will realise/find out how you sold youself very short!!!

Solo, I'm sorry, I know you love this man, but Minky and Dittany are saying what I suspect the rest of us are thinking. I really don't think this guy wants to be a 'one woman man' - he has already stated that you shouldn't have trusted him, that he is naturally promiscuous. He's still seeing OW. How many other women may be out there, thinking he's their guy? She's just the one you found out about. So he feels shame and didn't want to hurt anyone? Bah humbug. He just feels bad about being found out!

He doesn't seem to have been a 'DP' at all - he hasn't lived with you, he hasn't even let you have a key to his home - and with good reason . He keeps his life totally separate from yours. If you pressure him into being with you, can you EVER believe and trust him? I couldn't. Not after his history of having done this before. He's unlikely to change at his age, and if you force him, the change may not last. Please try to see beyond your love for him - concentrate on what he's ever done for you. What HAS he done apart from give you your gorgeous little girl?

And I have to say this - you see him so little - how can you be sure that you will even like him if you see him every day??

Solo, I'm bumping this in the hope that you will come back and tell us how you're doing, what you're thinking etc.

I think Solo's probably finding this very hard to hear - no one wants to be told the man they've invested so much love in, may not be worth it and may not ever be able to give them the total love and commitment they deserve (and Solo does deserve better than this).

Solo, we're on your side, do let us know if you need to vent. And we will be supportive even if you do decide to give him another chance - even if we disagree . In the end, he's been your choice and only you can decide.

another bump here, solo, are you ok ?

does anyone else feel that this man is loving the ego-stroking and flattering attention he must be feeling to know that two women are literally waiting on his manly decision??

christ, I'd like to give him a piece of my mind. Unfortunately, I think he would just see it as even more validation of what a skirt-chasing, emotion-provoking, bastard he is (and I would imagine he thinks of bastard in a positive light)

I wonder what he chats about with his cronies down the pub? Which silly woman is chasing him now? I hate men like this and I don't even know him.

I need to chill

Jesus, this guy is an asshole of huge proportions!

I think sometimes the 'chase' is what makes women go back to men like this. Like you have to keep trying different tacks to try and get them. Yuck!

If he loved her he would not have went on holiday, he would have stayed behind, dumped the other woman like a hot potato and begged and begged and begged for forgiveness, sending flowers, phoning, crying..... This man does not give a flying shit. Can't believe he had the cheek to still go away on holiday.....and still go away WITH the OW...didn't even call!! Disgusting way to treat the mother of your child. He is basically saying very loudly "this is me, this is what I am like".....

Solo, I know it is hard but I really hope that you find the strength at some point to leave this man to his own devices. If you let someone treat you like this, then they will. Its not a good example for your child to see. My father behaved similarly and believe me, it messed my head and gave me such low expectations of men and relationships for years and years. This man won't make you happy. Maybe he has to hurt you some more before you will come to your own realisation?

I know it is hard when you love someone though.....I really feel for you.

I am here, not hiding away, just had no internet for a few days.
I did say in my original post that I didn't want/need to be told to get shot of him. I still don't if I'm honest. I think that I always try to be fair to everyone that comes into my life and have often been burnt because of that, but I really do think/feel/want to know that I have given everything I can to save our relationship.
My children are not aware of anything that is going on between he and I and right now that is how it will stay.
I do of course want more from my 'relationship' with him. I want him to give more too.
I think that his response of not being able to keep his dick in his pants was a reaction to my shouting at him and I'm not convinced that he is putting it about anywhere other that the one I know about.
I truly, truly appreciate all the support I have had here ladies and I also respect your take on my situation that would have you have me kick him to the kerb, but it is, I believe, very easy to say these things when you are outside the goldfish bowl looking in. Being on the inside gives you a completely different viewpoint doesn't it? They say that love is blind and I think that is quite true.
I will let you all know what does happen as it does and will certainly continue to take on board your opinions etc. Most of all, I will continue to lean on you all if you are still there for me and thank you for it.

Hi Solo, yes, I sense you don't really want to be told to get shot of him - as I said, only you can decide. I do wonder, though, whether being a bit distant may make him come running? Friendly, but distant in that you don't come across as being desperate. At least, that's worked with my recent hiccups with DP.

I realise that it's easy for us to condemn a man we have never met. We are seeing him through the prism of your description though, and it's hard to see what he is actually giving YOU. It is so very clear that you are doing everything YOU can to keep him, you sound like a generous, loving woman with so much to give and if he reciprocates, we will be so happy for you.

Good luck Solo, and yes, do let us know how things go. {{hug}}

Aww, thanks Tanee...you have no idea how much I need hugging right now.

In January when we had a bump, I did back off and yes, he did become a bit more attentive. Maybe I'll try that again. I've said my piece, he knows what I want, so perhaps I'll sit back a bit.

my apologies solo, for my mini outburst-ette a few posts back

it just kinda pains me to see a lovely person give 110%, when it doesn't appear to be reciprocated

and I speak from experience

Exactly - we were all sounding off from concern as you were so obviously hurt and he seems so determined to keep a huge part of his life separate from you and your DD. It's because we like you !

As you know, I'm only a few years younger than your DP and I've kissed a lot of frogs in my time. Some of them were quite handsome frogs - but one or two in particular messed with my emotions and mind so much, that if I knew then what I know now, I'd have kicked them straight back into the pondslime they emerged from.

But I loved them, at the time, and gave them chance after chance. However, with current DP, we were lovers, then friends, then lovers again over a long period of 20 years - and I never pressured him into being with me. Of course, he's now depressed and saying he feels trapped, but that's HIS perception and not something I've forced him into. It was HIS decision to buy a house with me. After two years of him kicking off every so often and saying he wants to leave (the last time was about 4 weeks ago) I've taken some great advice from another MNetter and stood right back, not commented at all when he moans, not pleading with him to stay, just tried being kind and friendly, and gotten on with my life and doing things with DD. Amazingly enough, it's paying off (at least I hope so). That's why I wonder whether you could try something similar - not pressuring him, just stating once what you would like, but making it obvious that you are having a perfectly fantastic time without him (even if you are crying inside) and then just getting on with being busy doing your own thing. Maybe when he wants to see you or DD, saying a few times that it's actually not convenient. Don't be at his beck and call even if the alternative is you sitting in watching Eastenders. Nothing piques an 'independent' man more than finding a truly independent woman . You have all the aces - a fantastic, loving nature, a GORGEOUS little girl, a great son, and a life you have forged for yourself with very little help from him or anyone else.

Be proud, hold your head up high, and show him what he stands to lose.

GOOD LUCK