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Original poster

What a bloody night I've had...

369 replies

SOLOtsofBangers · 05/11/2008 00:30

Dp tells me he has two weeks off. He then tells me 3 days later that he's going on holiday. On his own. Nothing unusual there. I tell him that I'd quite like it if he'd actually spend some time with me for a change(we have never lived together). He leaves as he has a 'meeting' to go to.
I go to my parents house to be told that Dad has cancer...I had my suspicions, but I'm lost really. My son has taken it badly, but Dd too young to understand. Dp rings me before he runs off to his 'meeting' ~ he's late he says. Half hour later he rings again except that he hasn't ~ his phone has dialled my number in his pocket. I can hear a convo going on between a woman and him and he mentions that she hasn't paid for Antigua anyway(joke, joke, joke etc). Antigua, he told me he was going to Egypt! Alone! He's obviously at his house, so I made a quick dash to his with our Dd, knocked on the door, he answered ~ looked shocked. Said I couldn't come in, I asked if 'meeting' had been cancelled, he said he had someone here, it wasn't convenient. I shouted through the house 'hope you have a nice holiday with my boyfriend'. He says you might as well come in now then, it's out in the open.
She's not quite what I would have imagined her to be. He's very good looking, she's not and it's not just me being bitchy, because I'm really not that sort. I asked her how long she's been seeing him and she says....
4 years!.
I've been with him for 4 years! I'm so bloody angry. She didn't know about me or our Dd.
Anyway, I shouted a bit, really wanted to hit him but I wont lower myself to that.
I think I've spoiled their holiday...
I don't really want to hear 'get shot of him' tbh. I just needed to vent. I'm hurting so badly. I wanted to believe that he wouldn't do that to me, that he was different, that he would want me and our Dd in his life over other women. I was wrong.
4 years wasted. 4 bloody years. I can't even cry I'm so angry.

OP posts:
MinkyBorage · 02/12/2008 18:16

I don't apologise, I think that you are being absolutely pathetic. Your reasons for that are personal and I don't know you so can't work out why your level of self esteem is so low that you believe this relationship is the sort of relationship you deserve.

Regardless of what you say now, your dc do and will realise what's happened here, they already know about the ridiculous lack of relationship you have accepted so far.

Fine, you've made it clear that you haven't come on here to illicit this type of advice, so I will leave you to it, as it is none of my business. I hope that you can get the type of support that you need both from here and in rl, but much more than that, I hope that you find the strength to start behaving like the strong, responsible, adult woman you already are in so many ways, and not the silly insecure girl you have allowed yourself to become when dealing with this silly boy man.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 02/12/2008 18:27

minky, I love your posts

pamelat · 02/12/2008 18:30

I haven't read all of this but you are not alone, it sounds very similar to something that happened to a friend of mine.

Her DP started an affair when their little boy was 1. He told OW that him and girlfriend had broken up but were living together for the DS's sake.

My friend found out TWO YEARS down the line.

It was awful. Lots of tears, lots of wine, lots of talking (with me primarily) but she forgave him.

He then started saying that maybe he preferred OW after all and it got to a point where they almost shared him, knowingly but not happily.

Anyway, OW finished with him because he couldnt committ. Within 2 months he started new "affair", my friend finds out - now they share again.

Not saying that this is what your DP would do but the similarities are there with the first bit, personally, I couldnt live like that.

Sorry about your dad

x

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 02/12/2008 18:38

pamelat, your friend sounds like a complete doormat

I hope solo is not considering such an arrangement, or doesn't let the situation drift long enough so that is what effectively happening

why are some women so weak ?

pamelat · 02/12/2008 18:46

I know, its very sad and their son is now 5 and has had his father move in and out every few months for his whole life.

Friend has other issues, he is emotionally abusive to her and has told her that she is fat, has bad skin and would never meet anyone else. She believes this. She is a size 10 32DD with a great well paid job, lovely person (or used to be before she just moaned about him all day).

For him the whole problem started with her pregnancy. He is a perpetual child.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 02/12/2008 19:38

sounds like a great catch

Tanee58 · 02/12/2008 22:23

Personally, with the hindsight of being 50 years old and with 32 years of dating/marriage/divorce/new relationship with old love behind me, I wouldn't put up with this, but this is Solo's choice and I might have have been the same at her age. In fact, in my 20s I put up with a complete arse for 5 years - fortunately with no children involved. I think there's a better man for her out there somewhere, and given this guy's age and track record, I do think it unlikely he will deliver what she needs and deserves, but I do wish her well and hope that she will still feel she can come to us for support if needed.

solo · 02/12/2008 22:39

Well I am sorry that you feel offended by my weakness. If you knew me, you'd certainly know that I am not pathetic or particularly weak. If you knew me, you'd know that I have been through a bad(and I do mean bad)life since the age of 16.
Everything I now have, I've worked hard for and owe nobody anything for. I did it all myself.
Prior to meeting Dp, I had been on my own since I was pg with Ds ~ he was 6 when I met this man.
One of the reasons I'd been alone for so long was that I really couldn't let the barriers down, they were double skinned brick walls. Dp got me to knock them all down, probably unintentionally, but for the first time in about 20 years, I had no barriers whatsoever. No, he's not all bad. What he's done is wrong, absolutely, but I believe that I owe it to my Dd to take him back if that's an option and work very hard with him to make a better relationship together.
Tanee, I agree. thank you

solo · 02/12/2008 22:41

With your 17:24 post Tanee.

squeaver · 02/12/2008 22:51

Judge a man by what he does not by what he says.

That's the best advice I ever got.

dittany · 02/12/2008 22:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

solidgoldbrass · 02/12/2008 23:09

Solo: you might think you have a 'relationship' with this man, but he doesn't consider himself your partner and never has done by the sound of it. You can't 'make' someone be your partner.
Yes he is your DD's father, so there may be the need for contact between him and her (well, contact is better than no contact unless he is violent or utterly irresponsible ie won't feed her or will let her play in the middle of the road) but he is not your partner. There IS no relationship to 'work at'.

I really can't imagine that he considers you as anything more than some woman he sometimes has sex with, who moans a lot.

There must be more to you than that, so why let him treat you this way?

solo · 02/12/2008 23:14

Dittany, he works 125 miles away M~F anyway. We have both always worked shifts and had to work around those shifts. It isn't(wasn't)only ever once every three weeks, but has been quite often. Back at the start of 'us', we saw each other a lot. It was completely odd for me. He was not my 'type'. He is black. I don't do black men. It took a while for me to even accept a date with him. I gave him a really hard time for ages before relaxing into it and realising my feelings for him.

We have just never swapped keys. I did have his in my possesion for 6 months once after he asked me to collect them from the plumbers house. No, I didn't go looking through his house. I was not invited to and would not have broken that trust. I realise that there aren't many women that could resist that temptation, but I am totally trust worthy. What goes around, comes around...

solo · 02/12/2008 23:19

It's not about sex. I don't moan a lot either. I think a lot, but really don't voice my thoughts much and if I had moaned a lot, then perhaps it would've changed the dynamics and either he would've come to me or gone to her, but not both at the same time.

solidgoldbrass · 03/12/2008 00:04

Has he ever, at any point, promised you that he is not having sex or romantic relationships with other people, or did you just want to think he would remain monogamous? You don't seem to be accepting that his behaviour shows quite clearly that he doesn't consider himself 'with' you in any way.

wabbit · 03/12/2008 00:22

Oh Solo, you're going to have to leave the whole idea of an 'us' behind. I really feel for you though as you obviously feel such love for him. and he's given you your lovely dd...

He sounds utterly devoid of emotional responsiblity, do you really feel that you could ever trust him with your emotions again?

I'm sorry I've not read the whole thread... If you'd been 'inconvenient' enough to verbalise your dissatisfaction with the relationship - he would probably just have buggered off. You have made it possible for him to behave like this, but then, who would want a man if you had to keep him by stealth... by not voicing your thoughts?

Can't help but refer back to my ex - When I became stronger - (after I found out he'd got a work colleague pregnant (twice) during my pregnancy) and I stood up to his demands to take ds away from me for the day to visit his father (ds was only weeks old when he started doing this) It felt so good to take the reins and decide exactly how and when he could have contact with me... or ds

You will heal from this {{hug}}

solo · 03/12/2008 00:24

He lied to my face. I asked him on our 1 year 'anniversary' if he'd been faithful to me and he lied.
Having talked to him, it sounds like he got sucked into the second relationship and couldn't get out(for whatever reason). I think he did consider himself with me, but I think and so does he from what he's said, that he didn't know what to do. He'd tried to end it with her, not with me...He's a man, a coward. He had every opportunity to end our relationship in January, but chose not to.
I know he should've got shot of her, hell! he shouldn't have got with her in the beginning. He knows it too.

I don't know what will happen in the future. I don't know if he'll want to return to me. If he does, then things will have to be different. I wont forgive him a second time.

Tanee58 · 03/12/2008 00:25

Sorry Solo, but his track record does worry me. I believe YOU are totally trustworthy. But his history, Solo, his history. Even his mother has told you! His colour, type, is not - I hope, part of this, despite stereotypes of black men who have children by many women whilst those women hold the families together and the men move on and between their different 'families'. I try not to believe stereotypes - especially speaking as an asian woman who has always had white boyfriends and exhusband and I hope I am NOT the stereotype of the submissive Asian Babe! Anyway,there are men of ALL colours who behave this way. I just worry that he is not putting as much into your relationship as YOU are. I am concerned for you -as I think all the posters on your thread are. We want to see you happy, empowered and strong .

wabbit · 03/12/2008 00:30

Solidgoldbrass - I've not asked my lovely current DP if he's monogamous with me... and i would never dream of doing so.

He's in London during the week - I'm at home.

you just don't ask unless there are reasons to ask

and men like solo's and my ex are very good at avoiding you casting blame upon them (don't know how they do it) but it's like you're blind to their absence, emotional and physical.

solo · 03/12/2008 00:30

Yes, I have facilitated his wandering eye lifestyle. I know this now.
No wonder he had dangerously high blood pressure!

solo · 03/12/2008 00:32

Very true wabbit.

Tanee58 · 03/12/2008 00:33

Solo, I've just read the post you wrote whilst I was writing mine.

Please read over what you've said - 'he lied to me'. Is this what you want? Do you and your DD deserve that? He admits he's weak - but only HE could decide whether to have two women on the go at once. One of them (you) had his child. Where was the choice? How could he do that to you and DD if he LOVED you? Excusing him as being only a man isn't enough. Many men would not do this to someone whom they loved, who had borne their child. I know you feel at the moment that you love him, but the more I hear about him, the more I feel, there is someone so MUCH better out there for you.

Tanee58 · 03/12/2008 00:36

Sod his high blood pressure!

Sorry - feeling a bit confused now. You seem to be condemning him and excusing him in the same breath...?

wabbit · 03/12/2008 00:39

ahhh I'm absolutely sure there's someone sooooooo much better for Solo out there

but she has to be in the right place emotionally before she can meet him with an open heart.

I'm hoping that it's cathartic writing here and hearing our responses - I know it was for me.

3 years on and I'm happier than I've ever been in my life.

solo · 03/12/2008 00:41

Tanee. Unfortunately, in my job I have seen what black men(particularly)get up to with their wife and several different girlfriends and all their children. That is why I tried my best not to accept a date with him, but he was persistant! I see stereotypes here sadly.

I will be happy one day. I will be empowered again and I will be strong. I am just not sure when yet.

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