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Original poster

My fiance used a prostitute before I met him - big deal or not?

157 replies

mocca · 04/11/2008 10:06

Am I making a mountain out of a molehill over this girls? I've been with my lovely boyfriend for just over 6 months and we got engaged a couple of weeks ago. We're deeply in love - he's decent, deep and trustworthy and at the age of 51 I feel I've met my soulmate. We're both divorced with kids. At the weekend he decided to confide in me about something dodgy that happened about 10 years ago. He had just split from his wife, she'd taken the kids he adored to live 200 miles away and he was feeling almost suicidal and very vulnerable. One night when he was walking home he was approached by a prostitute (a young law student paying her way through college apparently!) and he agreed to pay her £20 for a hand job. They got in her car and parked up, only to be apprehended by the police who had been watching her. So he never got his hand-job and instead ended up in court, was fined and now has a criminal record for kerb-crawling.

He's told me the incident was totally unpremeditated and that he did it because he was desperate for a bit of human connection because he felt so miserable and unloved at the time. He's always been faithful when in a relationship and never cheated on his wife. I've felt from the word go that I can trust him and in a way this makes me trust him even more; he didn't have to tell me about this but did so because he felt that if he didn't and I found out it would do irrevocable damage. Also he doesn't want anything hidden between us and has told me it's been troubling him for months and effecting his sexual performance.

Ultimately it doesn't make me love him less but I keep saying to myself, what sort of man uses a prostitute, even when it might be understandable because of the circumstances? I do want to marry him and I know this happened a long time ago but I can't get the image of him doing this out of my mind. But the fact that he was prepared to risk losing me (and I know that he adores me) by telling me this makes me appreciate his vulnerability and openness. So should I try to let this go because I love him?

OP posts:
stitch · 04/11/2008 10:07

yes

lulabellarama · 04/11/2008 10:09

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

CountessDracula · 04/11/2008 10:11

Definitely

I don't see that it has any bearing on your relationship. Men do use prostitutes whether we like it or not. It sounds like a one-off in understandable circumstances.

BitOfFun · 04/11/2008 10:12

If you think he basically respects women and you, then I would let it go. I did a lot of things differently before I met my DP - I would say what, but you can overshare on here, but I am different now because I love him and I have changed. If you love and trust him, I would say forgive it and move on x

MissisBoot · 04/11/2008 10:14

I think you will probably need to explore this a bit more with each other as it may grow into something that you will think about during your relationship and possibly start to resent him.

Not quite sure how you would do that though - sorry - not much help really.

Kewcumber · 04/11/2008 10:16

it would be a medium sized deal for me but I would accept it.... unless I were prepared for any partner to have an opinion on every less than perfect thing I've done in the past 43 years it would be hypocritical to do otherwise.

It also sounds like its not habitual use which I would have had a bigger problme with.

But in reality only you know whetehr it is something you can accept. The fatc that I could doesn;t really matter does it?

Panfriedpumpkin · 04/11/2008 10:18

only word of caution, as it were, is the lack of a 'caution' for a first offence. To end up with a criminal record for one "attempt" at using a street prostitute is a little unusual.

fortyplus · 04/11/2008 10:20

I think he's been amazingly brave to tell you this. I would feel very unhappy about it but you have to admire him for being open now rather than it coming out later. He made a huge mistake and regrets his actions - that seems quite clear.

Bury it - never mention it and it will fade from your mind eventually as you share your happiness.

TotalChaos · 04/11/2008 10:22

I'ld be a bit uncomfortable about the sob story - more about that the conviction in a way.

Panfriedpumpkin · 04/11/2008 10:31

on further reflection, if I wanted to explain away why I have a record for kerb crawling, this is the 'cleanest' sort of scenario I'd come up with.

TotalChaos · 04/11/2008 10:32

completely agree Pan.

solidgoldbrass · 04/11/2008 10:38

THing is, if the police at the time were having one of those periodic 'crackdown on sex workers' binges, then it is quite likely that absolutely everyone they caught would have been prosecuted. It's just possible that he's lying about not having even got the hanjdob, I suppose (for instance, if they police caught him mid-bonk or something they might have been keener to prosecute) - but what I would suggest is that you don't judge him on what he did 10 years ago, judeg him on his current behaviour. Is he kind, respectful, tolerant, affectionate? If the two of you argue, is it about 50-50 who says sorry first? Does he generally have a fair and decent attitude towards women?

unavailable · 04/11/2008 10:40

Sorry, but I think the story is very improbable. It is much more likely that at one point he was using prostitutes quite frequently. It is also much more likely that the girl in question was a desperate, vulnerable young woman with a drug habit and a violent pimp to support than a sorted, empowered student paying her way through college. The reality of prostitution is it is an ugly, sordid business, not like "Pretty Woman.".

For me, it would raise big questions about his judgement, his view of women and I would want him to be checked out for stds.

ginnny · 04/11/2008 10:44

I think you should let it go. Everyone has a past. Whatever happened back then, you didn't know him at the time.
You can only judge him on his behaviour towards you since you met him.
Don't let this get out of hand and spoil what sounds like a great relationship.

DaisyMooSteiner · 04/11/2008 10:48

Six months isn't really very long to have known someone and I think I would probably be quite cautious about making a commitment this early on in a relationship to someone who has confessed such a story. I suspect that he's given you a cover story and that there is probably a lot more to it. I would try and find out a bit, although I'm not sure how I'd go about it. I don't suppose there's any easy/legal way of finding out someone's criminal record, but if I were you I'd want to see it!!

Panfriedpumpkin · 04/11/2008 10:49

and the "affecting sexual performance" bit......is this some sort of erectile dysfunction prob. he is avoiding?
Am a bloke, and one failed attempt at a hand job with a prostitute 10 years ago would have feck all bearing on what I would be doing with a loved one now. But is the OP posting partly through her own suspicions.

filz · 04/11/2008 10:50

you need to let it go

the poor bloke feels bad and he never even 'used' the prostitute!!

filz · 04/11/2008 10:51

maybe he is avoiding because he is nervous after only being with his wife for so long

unavailable · 04/11/2008 10:53

filz - the police do not issue a formal caution for kerbcrawling unless they have first issues a verbal warning and noted car reg number etc. It cant have been first time.

filz · 04/11/2008 10:55

hello unavailable
i dont have much experience, so i apologise

nickytwotimes · 04/11/2008 10:56

We've all done shit things in the past under rotten circumstances.
If he is otherwise a top bloke then leave it.

unavailable · 04/11/2008 10:57

whoops - i just noticed the case actually went to court, so he must have been fairly well known to police for this sort of behaviour. I am even more suspicious now.

Original poster
mocca · 04/11/2008 10:57

I really appreciate all your advice - he does treat me with the utmost respect and consideration and I want to be able to deal with this - trouble is, it has shaken my confidence in him somewhat. I suppose I need
loads of reassurance from him (I'm a very insecure person when it comes to relationships) but don't know how to say this to him.

OP posts:
Original poster
mocca · 04/11/2008 11:02

Hi unavailable - I'm really worried now, is that the case that a first offence such as this wouldn't go to court? It wasn't his car they used apparently, it was hers and the police had been watching her for some time.
Am I right to be suspicious - is there a way I can get more information then?

OP posts:
moopymoo · 04/11/2008 11:03

this is a big test of your relationship and you need to feel that you can get the reassurance that you need. imo that does not make you insecure. big alarm bells ringing for me. i dont think he has told you the full story yet - as others have said - a conviction from one incident is virtually impossible. there is no doubt that somebody who has used prostitutes in the past can go on to be a good partner, but only if this is something you are both prepared to work at and discuss openly. if you want my opinion, i would not end the relationship but i would definitely put wedding plans on hold for the time being until i was satisfied that this was not something that was going to affect the future.