My fiance used a prostitute before I met him - big deal or not?

[mocca]

Am I making a mountain out of a molehill over this girls? I've been with my lovely boyfriend for just over 6 months and we got engaged a couple of weeks ago. We're deeply in love - he's decent, deep and trustworthy and at the age of 51 I feel I've met my soulmate. We're both divorced with kids. At the weekend he decided to confide in me about something dodgy that happened about 10 years ago. He had just split from his wife, she'd taken the kids he adored to live 200 miles away and he was feeling almost suicidal and very vulnerable. One night when he was walking home he was approached by a prostitute (a young law student paying her way through college apparently!) and he agreed to pay her £20 for a hand job. They got in her car and parked up, only to be apprehended by the police who had been watching her. So he never got his hand-job and instead ended up in court, was fined and now has a criminal record for kerb-crawling.

He's told me the incident was totally unpremeditated and that he did it because he was desperate for a bit of human connection because he felt so miserable and unloved at the time. He's always been faithful when in a relationship and never cheated on his wife. I've felt from the word go that I can trust him and in a way this makes me trust him even more; he didn't have to tell me about this but did so because he felt that if he didn't and I found out it would do irrevocable damage. Also he doesn't want anything hidden between us and has told me it's been troubling him for months and effecting his sexual performance.

Ultimately it doesn't make me love him less but I keep saying to myself, what sort of man uses a prostitute, even when it might be understandable because of the circumstances? I do want to marry him and I know this happened a long time ago but I can't get the image of him doing this out of my mind. But the fact that he was prepared to risk losing me (and I know that he adores me) by telling me this makes me appreciate his vulnerability and openness. So should I try to let this go because I love him?

mocca - the story doesn't add up. I'd invite him to expand on it and tell him why it doesn't add up.

Still odd to tell you in the first place. Best wishes to you in this.

can you get any old newspapers relating to the incident? Dont the library do a newspaper archive thing?

I know I sound like miss marple now...

I am not a police officer and know that different police forces have slightly different policies about cautioning and charging, but I do have experience of working with courts and offenders. In my experience, police would not go straight to charge in the situation your dp describes. It is much more likely that he was previously cautioned and/or spoken to for the same offence.

I'm sorry, I dont know how you can find out the details, and wish I could be a bit more helpful than just raising your concern, but I do think you need to talk to him more about this.

I know that I'm being a sanctimonious cow, but even if everything he says IS true (and there seems to be a consensus that it's unlikely), I don't think I could get over it. Ultimately, I'd always think that this was a man who could completely objectify woman (sorry, lousy english). This might be grossly unfair, but it's how I would feel.

is it using prostitues that is bad or getting caught and ending up with a criminal record

i guess if he didnt have a criminal record he wouldnt have told you

and he knows sometime you would find out

i think meeting someone late in life is hard

and you have to make some compromises with the fact that perople have done stuff

6 months is not long to get engaged imo so maybe i am a bit conservative

at my age/yopur age i would be very wary of committing to marriage without a longer relationship if at all in fact

but that isnt really your question

i hope it works out and congratualtions

Mocca - this is a long shot as i think this is only being trialed in certain areas of the country and dont know which, and it depends on how old your children are but...

there is a new initiative (commonly called Sarah's law)that allows women to check out a new partners relevant criminal record if they have concerns. It is done through contacting your local police. Try googling Sarah's law to find out more.

Oh dear, what shall I do? My trust in him is now so shaken and I thought I could trust him 100%. Why on earth did he tell me this and what should I say to him?

Thanks unavailable, I'll definitely try this.

i think you need a big talk which wont be nice or comfortable but you have to do it

and get corroborating stuff

did you both do std tests too

sorry but this story doesn't add up to me either, a "a young law student paying her way through college apparently", and yet she has her own car??, i very much doubt a hard up student, turing to prostitution to earn money to pay their way through college would be able to afford a car.

I'm sorry this is happening, mocca.

IT is your future and happiness at stake here isn't it? For me, I would be so bold as to say one day something like " Tell me all about your experience of prostitutes. I ask this as I suspect you are "defending" me from some horrible truth, and it's only fair I know it all as I want to trust you and for you to treat me as an adult, not a child that needs protecting. So, go on?"

or some such. But we're different. I do know though it needs managing.

that is a good post pan

I will have to talk to him in depth about this - I feel sick now thinking about what he might have actually done. If he was using prostitutes regularly that would be such a problem for me and a great disappointment - he really has been nothing but decent and kind to me since we met. We wouldn't be getting married for at least a year anyway and definitely won't be rushing things now.

im really sorry mocca

but it is better to know

Pan, just read your post and it seems the best way to progress. I know I can't leave this because at the moment the man I thought I knew and loved is someone else.

It does sound a bit of a sob story but I agree with solidgoldbrass that if the police were having a crackdown it may have ended in court without a caution. Although, if it was me I'd probably do some digging.

My dp has been with 2 prostitutes (he was young and in Amsterdam) but it was way before I met him and it doesn't have any bearing on our relationship.

you know that 6 months isn't very long.

You are still 'ironing out the creases' in a relationship. Just that this one is a bit of a big one. Really best wishes.

A very close relative of mine has used a prostitute and as far as I know it was just a one off.

He was away on business and he did want to do it but was also egged on by his workmates. He was married, divorced and single at the time of the encounter.

Don't think he would do it again and is now in a serious committed relationship. He is very much the steady marrying kind and not a player.

Just to demonstrate that it can be a one off.

However in your case I might just get his criminal record checked.

Having been with an exH who had secrets and used to tel me half stories about weird things. I was eaten up by these things and although they weren't a dealbreaker, they did contribute to general suspicion.

Would he still have a criminal record after so long?

I really am overwhelmed by all your advice - thanks so much. He did say the police were having a crackdown at the time but then he might say that anyway. Does anyone know how I might get his criminal record checked - surely the police don't divulge that information without good reason (employer checks etc). I really can't believe I'm thinking of doing this but am consoling myself a little by saying to myself that he did tell me because he values his future with me - if he was a complete player wouldn't he have kept it to himself?

i think he would have told you because you might find out sometime..thats the trouble with things like this tho you get your confidence undermined

does he have a good relationship with his children?

There could be several reasons to tell you:
1.If you are getting married he suspects you may find out later, and that may put him in a very bad light for not haveing told you.

1. If he tells you now, and you are ok with him having seen prostititutes in the past, he is paving the way for continuing to see them, as you "accept" it.

But I am just elaborating.
You need to talk to him and get the whole story. Pan phrased it ver well.