My fiance used a prostitute before I met him - big deal or not?

[mocca]

Am I making a mountain out of a molehill over this girls? I've been with my lovely boyfriend for just over 6 months and we got engaged a couple of weeks ago. We're deeply in love - he's decent, deep and trustworthy and at the age of 51 I feel I've met my soulmate. We're both divorced with kids. At the weekend he decided to confide in me about something dodgy that happened about 10 years ago. He had just split from his wife, she'd taken the kids he adored to live 200 miles away and he was feeling almost suicidal and very vulnerable. One night when he was walking home he was approached by a prostitute (a young law student paying her way through college apparently!) and he agreed to pay her £20 for a hand job. They got in her car and parked up, only to be apprehended by the police who had been watching her. So he never got his hand-job and instead ended up in court, was fined and now has a criminal record for kerb-crawling.

He's told me the incident was totally unpremeditated and that he did it because he was desperate for a bit of human connection because he felt so miserable and unloved at the time. He's always been faithful when in a relationship and never cheated on his wife. I've felt from the word go that I can trust him and in a way this makes me trust him even more; he didn't have to tell me about this but did so because he felt that if he didn't and I found out it would do irrevocable damage. Also he doesn't want anything hidden between us and has told me it's been troubling him for months and effecting his sexual performance.

Ultimately it doesn't make me love him less but I keep saying to myself, what sort of man uses a prostitute, even when it might be understandable because of the circumstances? I do want to marry him and I know this happened a long time ago but I can't get the image of him doing this out of my mind. But the fact that he was prepared to risk losing me (and I know that he adores me) by telling me this makes me appreciate his vulnerability and openness. So should I try to let this go because I love him?

honey - even 11-12 years ago, a charge on one misdemeanour was unlikely. The cost of court process was deemed excessive for the offence. It's FAR more likely it was a repeat offence.

"I take the average man wouldn't give another man a blowjob or let him have anal sex with him if money was offered to him"

Probably because the average man isn't gay and wouldn't take another man's penis in any orifice unless his life was threatened. And even then, some would probably refuse.

What if that average man was offered good money to bed an average looking girl?

I bet he wouldn't be against the idea.

depends what the offer was.

Also, I do know that otherwise hetro-sexual men have homosexual experiences in prisons for all sorts of reasons. IT becomes a sort of currency.

Ah, so we agree on the principle but are discussing the price

What was that you said about how I should go out and meet more men, because I am so wrong about you guys?

Not quite the same! And this afternoon was a long time ago.

You seem to be saying that men are all prostitutes at heart, and that getting them to perform sexual services is a matter of the amount of money (or protection in jail) offered.

Is that why men don't feel they disrespect the prostitutes they visit, do you think?

oh Stop it!. It's too late!

Haven't read the whole thread but will add my bit....

For one thing, I wouldn't care how miserable or unloved he was feeling - picking up a prostitute would be the death knell on the relationship for me.

And another - it sounds a wee bit . She was a young law student? That makes it sound a bit better than if she was a skanky hooker doesn't it?

yes elsie - we've been there!!

My DH was in the merchant navy for quite a few years. He has alluded to "stuff" and I know he now hates the tatoos he got done in Jamaica when drunk and in ship's company. I don't want to go there - it's probably awful and scary - and I don't want to know about it. Whatever happpened then has no reflection on how good a DH and dad he is now. He has his moments, but I love him and he is the most fantastic daddy.

Sorry - as you were

Yes, we are now at a much more interesting juncture: Our male friend Panfriedpumpkin was about to explain how all men are ready to act as prostitutes if offered the right amount of money/incentive and what this means in how they relate to female prostitutes they visit

Out of all the people least likely to TELL a sex client they are a law student, it would be a law student.

And why in God's name would they be discussing her degree? You don't give a prostitute £20 to talk about her life choices, and she doesn't accept a measly £20 to sit and justify her life choices to the sort of man who pays for handjobs.

OP, this didn't happen. This isn't what happened at all. I would make an effort to find out what did happen if I were you, and get thee to a clinic too.

akchewalli, Cote, my female friend, I have noo intention to do such a thing, as your presented hypothesis is deeply flawed viz-a-viz "all men..." .

I'm sorry to be horribly cynical - but are you really sure this was a one-off? I mean you would have to be fantastically unlucky to be caught on your first attempt. It's possible I suppose, but relatively unlikely.

All sorts of alarm bells are going off for me. You don't know him very well and he's admitted to a conviction which is pretty scarey. I just don't buy all this frankly.

Good luck.

How long ago was the conviction though? I do agree he could be playing down the circumstances....but at least he was trying to be a bit honest (if only in case OP should ever find out).

Am still up, thanks y'all for being up too - basically I am fucked, I have to trust him or not, there lies the rub....

tbh this is bothering me

i so want the opto be happy but it doesnt feel ok or happy to me

but ithink there are more unknowns and to paraphrase even the known unknowns are difficult

i really think it is one where you hsave to really know the man

and really you dont

oh x post mocca

i want you to be happy

Please get a grip of yourself! Please, please!!

Take emotion out of this and write down what you have said

Read it

Make a sensible decision on the facts

He was caught soliciting for sex
He made up a story to make it more palatible to you.

I am with R.

You run the risk of taking a decision whilst being besotted. This is a dangerous thing to do. Just write down the plain facts as you know them.

A criminal record for kerbcrawling.

That's all you know for sure.

Thanks, I will sleep on it and try to think sensibly in the morning.

Just feel so terribly let down, would it be better for him to have told me he used to have a habit that he's got over? Yes,yes and a million times yes, rather than a story. I reckon I could handle it but am rambling now because I'm tired....

eeewww.

not just that he used one.

but he picked up a kerbcrawler?

[vom]

Expat have you popped? If not why not?

Have you voted?