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Original poster

My fiance used a prostitute before I met him - big deal or not?

157 replies

mocca · 04/11/2008 10:06

Am I making a mountain out of a molehill over this girls? I've been with my lovely boyfriend for just over 6 months and we got engaged a couple of weeks ago. We're deeply in love - he's decent, deep and trustworthy and at the age of 51 I feel I've met my soulmate. We're both divorced with kids. At the weekend he decided to confide in me about something dodgy that happened about 10 years ago. He had just split from his wife, she'd taken the kids he adored to live 200 miles away and he was feeling almost suicidal and very vulnerable. One night when he was walking home he was approached by a prostitute (a young law student paying her way through college apparently!) and he agreed to pay her £20 for a hand job. They got in her car and parked up, only to be apprehended by the police who had been watching her. So he never got his hand-job and instead ended up in court, was fined and now has a criminal record for kerb-crawling.

He's told me the incident was totally unpremeditated and that he did it because he was desperate for a bit of human connection because he felt so miserable and unloved at the time. He's always been faithful when in a relationship and never cheated on his wife. I've felt from the word go that I can trust him and in a way this makes me trust him even more; he didn't have to tell me about this but did so because he felt that if he didn't and I found out it would do irrevocable damage. Also he doesn't want anything hidden between us and has told me it's been troubling him for months and effecting his sexual performance.

Ultimately it doesn't make me love him less but I keep saying to myself, what sort of man uses a prostitute, even when it might be understandable because of the circumstances? I do want to marry him and I know this happened a long time ago but I can't get the image of him doing this out of my mind. But the fact that he was prepared to risk losing me (and I know that he adores me) by telling me this makes me appreciate his vulnerability and openness. So should I try to let this go because I love him?

OP posts:
unavailable · 04/11/2008 16:14

I have been thinking about this thread too much!Its my amateur detective coming out.

Just speculating... but if the situation happened the way your dp described (which as you know I am very doubtful about)how could it be a kerbcrawling conviction? He says he was walking, and the car they got into was hers not his? That does not constitute kerbcrawling. It may be an offence of importuning? Anyone have legal knowledge on this one?

zippitippitoes · 04/11/2008 16:19

I think he told you because you would eventually find out

when you start a relationship with someone you think it won't really last that long ...and in fact yours is still new...so its only as time goes on that you learn mnore about them

i saw my bf for more than 6 months before he knew my real age

i think it is quite possiblpe that he has been thinking baout telling you fo9r a while and didn't know what to do about it

as to whether it is true or the whole truth..i don't think there is a way of you knowing the answer to that

he may have one conviction but that couold be the only time he did it or he did it thousands of times

does it make abig difference how many times?

or whether he had an excuyse you would find acceptable?

only you really know

and I go back to my point is it the fact he had a conviction that matters or the seeing a prostitute or more than one

and also does it make you feel that really you just don't know him well enough

Original poster
mocca · 04/11/2008 16:33

Zippi, you hit the nail on the head. I really don't feel I know him well enough but had started to think I knew him inside out. This has been a reality check.

If I ask him to tell me truthfully whether it was just a one-off and he lies and says it was, I have no way of telling whether he's telling the truth. Should I just go on the way he treats me (which is wonderfully) and the other people in his life? He's also very considerate with strangers and isn't aggressive or rude in any way. He does admit to having been quite angry when he was younger (crap childhood blah blah) but has done a lot with regard to personal development since then.

I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place; I have to trust his word or not in the absence of being able to find out anything objectively.

OP posts:
zippitippitoes · 04/11/2008 16:41

you are never going to know someone inside out unless you have known them since they were teens or you spend masses of time having mutual counselling sessions with each other

i can kind of sympathise with him in a sense that my bf actually knows very little abpout me, i know very little about him but i suspect he is pretty much what he says on the tin whereas im not

zippitippitoes · 04/11/2008 16:41

i can sympathise with your fiance that is he has skeletons and he has to confront them for you to move forward in your relationship

dittany · 04/11/2008 16:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

owningup5 · 04/11/2008 16:48

Is this really a big deal?

Most men would agree that paying for sex is pretty much socially acceptable now,especially if you're under 35.

I've just asked the guys in my office and out of six, four of them have paid for sex.All married and 2 of them have kids too.I have too while in Prague.

I've been upfront with past girlfriends and none have had a problm with it.

However most men wouldn't touch a street prostitute with a barge pole.Make sure he gets an STD test!

(oh i'm from dadsnet and have changed my name)

Miyazaki · 04/11/2008 16:51

that is utter fucking bullshit.

dittany · 04/11/2008 16:51

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

zippitippitoes · 04/11/2008 16:51

if my bf told me he had it wouldnt bother me if it was in the context of a stag night but if it was something he went thru a phase of doing just on his own then i would be more

i dont expect this to be a popular view

dittany · 04/11/2008 17:04

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CoteDAzur · 04/11/2008 17:22

"Why would you want to have sex with a woman who doesn't want to have sex with you owningup?"

One common answer: "Because taking a woman on several dates, making meaningful conversation, etc so she will want to have sex is much more hassle. And then they get upset when they realize all I wanted was sex."

Men can compartmentalise sex and feelings separately much better than us women can.

Panfriedpumpkin · 04/11/2008 17:28

I should chuck this into the mix now.

I used to be a lesbian prostitutes/escorts pimp a few years ago. For a friend.

Well, when I say "pimp" I mean security assistant. She'd tell me where she was, and check back with me at a pre-set time. IF there was any prob., I'd go to where she was. (never actually had to.) the benefit was that we would go out together as buddies and she would pay for the evening. Yes she took money for company and sex which other women paid for.

A BIG difference between men paying a disadvantaged, drug-reliant girl, and a woman paying my friend for ahem "company".

it didn't destroy her life for example.

dittany · 04/11/2008 17:29

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DaDaDa · 04/11/2008 17:32

"Most men would agree that paying for sex is pretty much socially acceptable now,especially if you're under 35."

Perhaps it's because I sneak in over your age bracket, but I'd be ashamed (of myself) if I'd ever paid for sex. I can only think of one man I know who has ever volunteered the information that he pays for sex, and he does have a pretty skewed opinion of women in my experience.

I definitely don't agree that it's socially acceptable.

Panfriedpumpkin · 04/11/2008 17:35

agree DaDaDa - I am well over the 35 thing, and I do still belive though that paying for sex as a bloke is seen as fairly scummy behaviour and a slight on one's social/sexual abilities.

Kathyis6incheshigh · 04/11/2008 17:35

"Most men would agree that paying for sex is pretty much socially acceptable now,especially if you're under 35."

Well, you know, men aren't the only ones who have opinions on this.

As for girlfriends who you think have been ok about it, I wonder what that actually meant - that they were 100% ok and thought paying for sex was always absolutely fine, or merely that they forgave you?

I wouldn't necessarily have a problem with the principle of paying for sex per se, but in the real world there is such a high probability that a prostitute is doing it because she has been forced into it, trafficked or is addicted to drugs, that there is a good chance that a man who pays for sex with a prostitute is paying to commit rape, and that is NOT acceptable, never ever ever.

MrsGhoulofGhostbourne · 04/11/2008 17:56

Men are different to women and think differently. So I would not castigate them for that, and would have no probelm if a male FRIEND admitted to it. But personally I would see it as a negative trait in a partner that he actauly did it, nad it would put me off big time.

solidgoldbrass · 04/11/2008 18:29

LostHorizon makes a very good point: the 'law student' bit is arrant bullshit. Law students do sometimes take up sex work to pay college fees, but they don't work the streets: they work through escort agencies etc. Sex workers who are working on the streets are the ones who really have no alternative: the abused, the homeless, the addicts. While I have no problem with the concept of sex work, I would be a bit uneasy about a man who used street women rather than paying a fair price for a woman who is more likely to be doing sex work of her own free will.

filz · 04/11/2008 18:30

i would fell uncomfortable if a man i was going to marry had used prostitutes actually

casual relationships, not so important

I wouldnmt want my daughter to be fathered by a man who felt so little of women either. Men have hands

objectivityislivid · 04/11/2008 18:35

I'd ignore the beaulocks about her being a law student and it being a hand job, this is prettifying the reality imo and a way of testing the water as to your reaction. I don't think it's a huge problem but if you want to make it absolutely clear you do not accept this behaviour from here on in then I'd have a grand reaction if I were you. Then he'll be absolutely clear about how you feel, and should he be depressed and in need of human connection ever again then he may try talking to you his friend instead of screwing someone who'll let him for £££££££££

solidgoldbrass · 04/11/2008 18:35

KM: I would recommend a full STD screen for anyone about to start engaging in unprotected sex with a new partner (STIs can happen to anyone apart from the lifelong celibate because so many of them have few or no symptoms for a long time: people who have only had 3/4 sexual partners might just as easily have an infection unknowingly as people who have had hundreds of partners). Willing, high-earning sex workers tend to take good care of their sexual health BTW but street workers are often not in a position to do so.

pamelat · 04/11/2008 18:51

unavailable makes a good point, the story does not add up?

KerryMum · 04/11/2008 18:51

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honeyandlemon · 04/11/2008 22:11

Lots of good points made - but I do know someone well who did this - it was a one off and he did go to court (would have been about 11-12 years ago) - as it was standard practice then (at least where we were). He had a bad day, couldn't explain why he did it, never did again as far as I know and is happily married. So his story could well be true. Better that he has told you, than finding out another way, I think. I really hope it works out.