My fiance used a prostitute before I met him - big deal or not?

[mocca]

Am I making a mountain out of a molehill over this girls? I've been with my lovely boyfriend for just over 6 months and we got engaged a couple of weeks ago. We're deeply in love - he's decent, deep and trustworthy and at the age of 51 I feel I've met my soulmate. We're both divorced with kids. At the weekend he decided to confide in me about something dodgy that happened about 10 years ago. He had just split from his wife, she'd taken the kids he adored to live 200 miles away and he was feeling almost suicidal and very vulnerable. One night when he was walking home he was approached by a prostitute (a young law student paying her way through college apparently!) and he agreed to pay her £20 for a hand job. They got in her car and parked up, only to be apprehended by the police who had been watching her. So he never got his hand-job and instead ended up in court, was fined and now has a criminal record for kerb-crawling.

He's told me the incident was totally unpremeditated and that he did it because he was desperate for a bit of human connection because he felt so miserable and unloved at the time. He's always been faithful when in a relationship and never cheated on his wife. I've felt from the word go that I can trust him and in a way this makes me trust him even more; he didn't have to tell me about this but did so because he felt that if he didn't and I found out it would do irrevocable damage. Also he doesn't want anything hidden between us and has told me it's been troubling him for months and effecting his sexual performance.

Ultimately it doesn't make me love him less but I keep saying to myself, what sort of man uses a prostitute, even when it might be understandable because of the circumstances? I do want to marry him and I know this happened a long time ago but I can't get the image of him doing this out of my mind. But the fact that he was prepared to risk losing me (and I know that he adores me) by telling me this makes me appreciate his vulnerability and openness. So should I try to let this go because I love him?

Cote - I assumed you interviewed sex workers and their clients - not a general cross section of the male population. To make sweeping generalized statements about the "male psyche" based on this sample is therefore rather flawed.

well, my claim to some authority on the male psyche is that I am one. And sorry I don't fit into your "findings", and neither do many of the men I know.

and yes it's the sweeping generalisation I do object to, pretty prevalent around here, but I often do understand and just shrug to my screen.

if your study is your "authority you should get out more and meet more men.

To point out the glaringly obvious: To find out what men think about the prostitutes they use, the only people you need to interview are the customers of the said prostitutes.

If I interviewed men who don't visit prostitutes, their answers would be speculative. Like yours.

well there's only you making that comparison.

an ex partner of mine used prostitutes for hand/blow jobs only and abraod only - apparently that doesn't count as frequenting prostitutes

He is to his friends and family a "normal" man who if asked if he had sex with prostitutes would say no and mean it.

Don't know if that adds anything to the mix but he went with groups of friends from work who all took a similar view.

and so from this you make sweeping statements about the state of the male psyche. To also point out the glaringly obvious. Oh Stop it!

Cote - your first post did not draw a distinction between men who used prostitutes and those who didnt . I think the phrase you used was "what passes for a brain in the male of our species"

LostHorizon - Yes, they respect the prostitutes they visit. What I saw is that a crushing majority of prostitutes' customers see it as hiring a service from a willing provider, and they talk about the girl(s) they visit in quite unbelievably tender words. They seem to think of these girls as friends of some sort.

I guess it might not be the same for someone who picks up girls from a dim backstreet, and bends them over in the back seat of the car. It is more dignified in Amsterdam's RLD, and girls have their own rooms, so it is not a faceless/nameless transaction.

Anyway, my point was that just because a man has used the services of a prostitute does not mean he disrespects women.

Panfriedpumpkin - If you don't use prostitutes, your opinion on prostitutes will naturally be different than men who do.

agree with all those who say this is a disneyfied version of being wanked off by a prossie and getting caught.

massive alarm bells would be ringing. but I think I would play it cool and do the version of pan's post - re I'm a big girl, I can take it, what have you been up to.

nicey nicey catchy monkey. or somesuch.

unavailable - I didn't make the distinction of men who don't use prostitutes, as OP's fiance was not in that category and someone was referring to how he must be disrespecting women.

"what passes for brain" was obviously not an entirely serious comment.

I agree CotedAzur. I know lots of my male friends and dp have visited prostitutes (in Amsterdam) and do not look down on those woman, or any women and in fact seem to hold them in high regard.

"Oh Stop it!"

Are you sure you are a man?

Trouble is, I'm not a big girl at all and don't know how to handle this - the more posts I read, the sicker I feel, cos it seems like he was up to much more than he claims. It's just ghastly and I can't bear the thought of him touching me ever again. Incapable of calling it off though because of the way I feel about him.

Sorry Mocca,
All this bickering amongst ourselves doesnt help you at all.

Can I ask how old your children are?

well, I care KM!!

sorry mocca - this thing happens doesn't it, when posters heavily digress. In some measure the truth prob. lies somewhere between the possible extremes of his behaviour. but only he can shed more light, rather than a bunch of bickering MNers!!

My daughter is 8 and he has kids of 18 (boy) and 20 (girl). He adores them and would do anything for them and I know them both well. He upped and moved 200 miles to be with them after he and his ex split and took the kids with her. His love for his kids is one of the things I like best about him.

And please bicker away - it's an interesting subject. Just can't believe my post kicked all this off! Life can be SO weird....

ah 8 you say. Then IF Sarah's Law is operable in your area you may be able to access some intelligence re abusive behaviour. Do doubt though if kerb crawling would be deemed relevant for child protection purposes, for which the "Law" was designed.