My fiance used a prostitute before I met him - big deal or not?

[mocca]

Am I making a mountain out of a molehill over this girls? I've been with my lovely boyfriend for just over 6 months and we got engaged a couple of weeks ago. We're deeply in love - he's decent, deep and trustworthy and at the age of 51 I feel I've met my soulmate. We're both divorced with kids. At the weekend he decided to confide in me about something dodgy that happened about 10 years ago. He had just split from his wife, she'd taken the kids he adored to live 200 miles away and he was feeling almost suicidal and very vulnerable. One night when he was walking home he was approached by a prostitute (a young law student paying her way through college apparently!) and he agreed to pay her £20 for a hand job. They got in her car and parked up, only to be apprehended by the police who had been watching her. So he never got his hand-job and instead ended up in court, was fined and now has a criminal record for kerb-crawling.

He's told me the incident was totally unpremeditated and that he did it because he was desperate for a bit of human connection because he felt so miserable and unloved at the time. He's always been faithful when in a relationship and never cheated on his wife. I've felt from the word go that I can trust him and in a way this makes me trust him even more; he didn't have to tell me about this but did so because he felt that if he didn't and I found out it would do irrevocable damage. Also he doesn't want anything hidden between us and has told me it's been troubling him for months and effecting his sexual performance.

Ultimately it doesn't make me love him less but I keep saying to myself, what sort of man uses a prostitute, even when it might be understandable because of the circumstances? I do want to marry him and I know this happened a long time ago but I can't get the image of him doing this out of my mind. But the fact that he was prepared to risk losing me (and I know that he adores me) by telling me this makes me appreciate his vulnerability and openness. So should I try to let this go because I love him?

Zippi - he has a very close and good relationship with his kids. Can't fault him as a father but my confidence certainly is near rock bottom right now.

I wouldn't like the story or conviction one bit. The story he told you sounds sooo sterile. The fact that she was a "law student" maybe is his way of making it sounds like she didn't do it that much or carry any STIs and not to worry you. I would suspect there is a lot more to his conviction and to be totally honest I would need a period of time to digest what he has communicated to you and have a break.

What are your instincts?

I'm so confused right now I'm totally unable to trust my instincts. I've been struggling with trust issues since my ex-H betrayed me and had just got to the point when I thought I could trust this one totally.

I'm going to talk to him tonight - over the phone unfortunately as we're not seeing eachother till the weekend and I can't wait that long. I think I'll start my just asking him if he's told me the whole story - something like "I've heard it's very unusual to get convicted for the first instance of kerb-crawling".

Hmm, I am changing my view on this myself now too - you are a cynical bunch, you MN-ers! I think having a conversation with him is the only way to go, but to be honest, I would wait til you can physically see him. It will help you spot if he seems truthful much more easily. And I wouldn't alert him to The Big Chat on the phone either, in case he comes up with a well-thought out story by the weekend. Sad, but necessary to be cautious I think.

There are worse things in the world.

True, true. If he isn't using them now, respects women (i.e. has CHANGED) and will never do it again, then I would say you should put it behind you anyway. But you do need to know the TRUTH, as you have to be able to have trust and honesty.

yes people do make mistakes

Good idea BitofFun, won't have the chat on the phone, will wait till I see him in person. Maybe I should try and use this positively as well and definitely not rush into getting married. I do love this man very much though and would hate to lose him.

If his story is true then let it go, but my worries would be that the story is almost too perfect.

Law student rather than your "standard" prostitute, whatever they may be.

She approached him? Where was he? Presumably in a known area.

It is brave of him to tell you but why has he told you, was there a way you may have found from someone else?

I would go back to him and say that his version of events is almost too sterile and that whilst you dont have an issue with his past activities, you would like to know the truth about them.

just out of interst why does he (or anyone) think that she was a law student relevant? Presuambly he had no idea (nor cared) what her "day" job was when he approached her?!

i wondered how long it would be before dittany found this thread

its just a bit of the 'clean' scenario he painted. Like she would go into biographical detail as she is dealing with a 'jon'. It's all been pretty much dissected, and left mocca with a difficulty.

You could ask him to get himself CRB checkd, he pays for it himeself and it'll show his Criminal Record.

Also, whereas it is usual for the police to simply warn on the first instance, if he was caught doing something illegal then yes, they could simply chose to arrest him, charge him and send him to the magistrates and fine him. That particular part of this story doesn't raise suspicion as far as I'm concerned. He could have been offered the caution and refused, saying he'd fight it, whatever. BTW, caution = criminal record.

He told you and I think you should be thankful for that. Men have done a lot worse.

If a CRB check is what's needed then go ahead, however, I shouldn't imagine I'd be happy marrying someone I've known for 6 months and already I'm resorting to such lengths to ensure he's telling me the truth - it's so not a good start.

All the best.

I don't think 'respect for women' and 'using professional women for sexual services' are mutually exclusive concepts in what passes for brain in the male of our species.

that's nice CoteD.

I'm not sure what a crb check would show unless he has more convictions than he's admitting to - he has admitted to this conviction it won;t show the circumstances or whether it was a first offence as he claims.

Sorry Mocca. Diffiuclt for you. I would be wary of jumping to the "he looking for affirmation to do it again" though, I think thats a leap too far in the absence of any other information at this stage (not ruling it out but saying its probable is a bit strong IMO)

Maybe not 'nice'. But true.

Well, not true, but there you go!

can i just add to mocca that this shouldt affect your self confidence - you havent done anything - you are simply asking intelligent questions

i dont think this is an unusual situation - the only positive thing is that at least you know some of what has been going on - many women never supect and think they have married prince charming - and they rarely exist sadly!

cooh yes cote, all men thinke xactly the same

bloke posting

FYI a relative of mine works in what I shall call "whore enforcement" for the Inland Revenue. His job consists of staking out brothels for a few weeks (to observe the level of business), then visiting them unannounced and handing out income tax and VAT demands to the owner and the whores.

So he knows as much as you can know about brothels without being in the business.

I rang him up and read your post to him (he's offline at the moment - sitting in a van outside a brothel, as it happens). His (and his colleagues') take on this is that "a young law student paying her way through college" wouldn't be giving £20 hand jobs in her own or any car. She could get caught and wreck her life.

A nice middle class piece like that would be working in the kind of high-end place he blitzes. She'd be charging £250 an hour and doing nothing illegal. If my relative says she's dodged tax, as long as she then pays up, it usually goes no further. The Revenue is not the Vice Squad but is arguably doing a lot more to control brothels.

Gut feel? Your bloke used to have a streetwalker habit. He told you about it because one day he knew you'd find out anyway. Filling in a life insurance application, for example. They always ask about criminal convictions, and if you lie and then claim, they will check and reject your claim.

He is getting his story in early, so when you see him admitting to sex offences on forms, you'll think you know what it's all about.

Sorry, guess this is bad news. It could well have been a phase now past, but I don't think he's told you the whole truth about it.

I don't know what your claim to authority is re the male psyche, but I did a study on prostitution in Amsterdam's Red Light District, interviewing hundreds in the process.

You might be surprised to hear this but it is very much true that men don't think of their employment of prostitutes as disrespecting women. They see it as a service that the woman in question willingly sells. There must surely be some whose underlying psychological issues lead them to use prostitutes to (in their head) demean women, of course, but that is not the norm.

By the way, the vast majority of men do think in quite similar terms on certain major subjects, as do most women. We are all more similar than you might like to think.

"men don't think of their employment of prostitutes as disrespecting women"

Presumably they figure they respect most women, but not prostitutes, no?

"They see it as a service that the woman in question willingly sells."

Are they always wrong?