Can you get divorced without splitting up?

[chamaeleon]

Wierd I know and long story. I have no intentions of splitting up with dh but I feel getting married was a mistake and its eating away at me and Im angry about it so much. I feel our relationship would really benefit from me not being so obsessed with this and a divorce might do that. There is no abandonment, unreasonable behaviour, adultery etc, no reason to split up which is what most divorces are based on. We wouldnt have to split assets or kids or anything as we would stay together. Can it be done? Dont tell me to talk to him because he wont communicate about the issue of marriage at all.

btw, how long have you been married?

I do not have the money for counselling or the time. Its easy to say but actually making some time for me to do anything is difficult.

No one specifically said I should be unhappy. LOADS of people told me I was a loon and should get on with it. Whats the difference?

Jack it was loads of things on the day, basically his attitude to me. It has happened before and since but never quite so many times in such a short period. I dont really want to go into it tbh. I took the kids on holiday for a week the following day and didnt speak to him til I got back. Not your usual honeymoon!

Your position that you wanted a divorce but to stay together seemed loony, frankly, not because you're loony to not want to be in a relationship, but because you wanted to stay in it and just not be married. That suggested you were otherwise happy but thought that being married and nothing else was responsible for your unhappiness.

Now it seems that actually you just don;t want to be with him, which is fair enough.

Exactly. It's not loony to split up from someone you don't love and find disrespectful. It is loony to want to divorce someone you plan to stay with, and think that will fix anything. Quite reasonably, people thought if you were so keen not to split up, then your relationship would be fine/good/happy. That now does not seem to be the case.

Cham - re the horrendous wedding day, you say you 'don't really want to go into it tbh'
Maybe one of the reasons you are feeling so stressed about this situation is you need to go into it again to get it off your chest...

there are loads of ways of getting free councelling - most big work places provide it free for employees, my church is linked to a charity that does free marraige counelling, many clergy are trained councellers, I've had free councelling on the NHS

and if you really wanted to you could free up two one hour slots a month - where there's a will theres a way

Money and time are not the real reasons why you wont do it are they?

sorry, realised as I clicked 'post' that I'd spelt counselling wrong - I blame pregnancy brain

Most GP's offer 6 or 8 sessions with someone they are linked with.

You do need to revisit the wedding day and the times he's been like that since IMHO

Relate will do telephone counselling I believe, because so many people do struggle with the time. I've also had counselling on the NHS. It was worth it, worth it, worth it.

You believed you had to get married. What changed your mind?

I understand.
I am not married to DP.
Sometimes I think we should get married ( for legal reasons) then I realise I will feel just like you if we do.

Thanks for helping me understand myself a bit more!

It is a very hard thing to explain to others

Ok let me try and understand this, u feel you got married for the wrong reasons so you'd like out of it because it spoilt your vision of how it should've been? Then you would like to remarry him when he can give you that vision because there is nothing wrong with your relationship just the circumstances that resulted in your wrong choice to marry? Neither one of you trusts the other would want to be married to the other is that also what you said? U have said yourself that you are not unhappy in the reationship just at the reasons you got married. The fact that either of you were willing to marry the other under any circumstance is still a huge commitment to the other unless of course you do see marriage as just a piece of paper and by the sounds of it you must to want to marry for circumstances not love and therefore why do you care if your marriage is real or not anyway???? U are happy, together and don't want to seperate so are you trying to ask if it's legally ok to divorce to remarry for the sake of .... I am really not sure.....i'm lost. I might sound harsh I don't mean to just find this odd. I think you should maybe be thankful for the fact you have a gd relationship.

I think you need to look at getting your own head straight, mayeb through counselling or something before you address this with your husband.

Early on in the thread you talk about wanting the divorce but keeping the relationship, then you start talking about wanting to marry someone who wants you and not the lifestyle - giving the impression of wanting to trade him in for someone else.

If the relationship if struggling because the marriage is a lie in your eyes and he doesn't want it how on earth is any future relationship going to survive a divorce?

I must agree with shitemum, there are signs of way too much thinking on your part here.

i think you need a hobby, you obviously have too much time oin your hands , this whole thing is bloody ridiculous, get a grip lady

The reason people are telling you you should stick with it is because about half your posts say that you don't want to split up with your DH you just want to change your legal status. Having read through the lot I still think that you are obsessing over the wrong thing: either you need some sort of couple counselling or you need some yourself to help you end the relationship in as civil a fashion as possible. If the relationship is miserable because he isn't the right man for you and mistreats you, then getting divorced but continuing to live with him, cook and clean for him and have sex with him will not make him treat you any better or make you any happier.

I read this last night, and having thought about it all day, I think this woman thinks it's the marriage situation that's the problem but really she is simply deeply unhappy that the man she is with doesn't communicate with her and doesn't treat her with adoration. I think she should go ahead and get the divorce she so sorely wants on the grounds of refusing to communicate, although as the last poster said that won't change how he behaves about her. I am talking a proper divorce, to counter her 'fake' marriage. She will probably in the end derive quite a lot of satisfaction from getting rid of the person who is taking her for granted and making her unhappy (I know I did) and taking back control of her own life. I think her children will actually benefit if this happens and she stops being so miserable.