Can you get divorced without splitting up?

[chamaeleon]

Wierd I know and long story. I have no intentions of splitting up with dh but I feel getting married was a mistake and its eating away at me and Im angry about it so much. I feel our relationship would really benefit from me not being so obsessed with this and a divorce might do that. There is no abandonment, unreasonable behaviour, adultery etc, no reason to split up which is what most divorces are based on. We wouldnt have to split assets or kids or anything as we would stay together. Can it be done? Dont tell me to talk to him because he wont communicate about the issue of marriage at all.

no, i am saying they dont understand because people think i want to get divorced and split up now and that isnt what i am saying, thereroer they dont understand. i just dont want to be married and cohabitate like we never got married. I havent attacked anyone, disagreeing isnt attacking unless someone changed the dictionary and didnt tell me

Just in case someone hasn't mentioned it yet, the only grounds for petitioning for divorce in England and Wales is the irretrievable breakdown of a relationship. You can use one of five ways to prove that you find it intolerable to live with the other party - adultery, unreasonable behaviour, two years separation (with the other party's consent), two years abandonment or five years' separation (no consent required).

So in answer to the OP, no you can't get divorced if you still intend to carry on the relationship - you have to submit an affidavit (sworn document) as part of the divorce stating the reasons behind the divorce so you'd be commiting perjury.

The whole thing sounds bonkers tbh. Either you want to be with him or you don't - what has being married got to do with it?

so the consensus is that you stay put in an ok marriage because you might not give a toss about each other but at least you are not getting beaten up. excellent. thanks

I am very sorry for you, Cham.

What you are saying does make sense to me: that, for you, "marriage" and "being married" are special things, and somehow much more important and precious than, and beyond, 'being in a relationship' with someone. And you feel that, having got married in circumstances where you couldn't call up (and, it definitely sounds, didn't feel) those particular precious values, that "being married" for you is simply - hollow.

I totally understand that; but - I think that, if you weren't feeling hollow about something else, you wouldn't be feeling hollow about your legal status (which is all "marriage" is, if one is blunt & objective about it). So. I think you are feeling desperately hollow ... and you have lit on your marriage certificate as a nearly obsessive focus of why you are feeling hollow. But I am quite sure it (the marriage certificate) isn't the culprit.

And I think that, rather than an internet forum, or quick fixes like online quickie divorce ideas, you very deeply need counselling to find out what is making you feel so altogther hollow. I really hope you get to the bottom of it, as you sound like a very thoughtful, earnest, person. I wish you the very best.

Nobody's saying stay put if you don't want to. The issue is that you don't want the relationship to end, you want the marriage to end - which doesn't make much sense. Your op says "we would stay together" and asks if it can be done - it can't.

What's the problem?

"By chamaeleon on Sat 01-Nov-08 21:42:10
no, i am saying they dont understand because people think i want to get divorced and split up now and that isnt what i am saying, thereroer they dont understand. i just dont want to be married and cohabitate like we never got married. "

But sadly, what you want, you just can't have.

Here we are again with the preconcieved ideas. You say, "If I loved someone and I knew they were in pain and a sentence from me would solve it I would say it if I meant it but he wont."

Well, firstly he's NOT you. Secondly, what sentence would make everything instantly OK?
Do you love/like him? Did you ever love/like him?
Why do you think he doesn't love you?

Being married, or not being married, won't 'fix' you. No relationship (whether with your current husband or whatever future mythical relationship you are thinking of) will fix everything and make your life wonderful, because what's bothering you is nothing to do with your husband or anyone else. It's something that has gone wrong within you which is why counselling is your best option.

There is so much illogicality going on here

Just picking out things at random

"Getting married was cheaper and took less time than making a will." Nonsense. Making a will is entirely free.

"Every thing is right except that it was a lie at the time and so will always be a lie. Surely you know when you should get married and commit to someone forever?" Er actually you did commit to someone forever. Just because you didn't mean it does not make it legally invalid

"I am in a relationship and thats fine, but I shouldnt be married. At som point I want to be and that day can never come if eomthing doeant change. I can never commit to him properly." It doesn't sound fine, it sounds like you are biding your time waiting for Mr Right. Either he's lying next to you or he isn't.

CHAM do you have sex?

If you don't love your husband at all, and are longing to fall in love, then why on earth do you want to get divorced but continue to live with your husband? How will that help you find your grand romance? (not sneering at romance btw - but living with another bloke is not usually the most direct route to it)

I will try again.

I felt I had to get married. I nagged dh into it. Neither of us wanted to do it and we knew we were lying about the vows. Dh was a total arse on our wedding day and I am still upset about it. At the time I didnt believe in marriage. Now I do, and I wish I had never gone through with it. I wouldnt be tied into a sham and I wouldnt be angry that he was such a git. His total lack of respect for me on that day did a huge amount of damage to out relationship.

I want a relationship with someone who thinks I am special and loves me. And I want to feel that way back. At the moment there is no one like that in my life. I used to feel like that about dh. I believe I can again, but i am so angry with him and being married is part of that. If i could get rid of being married maybe I wouldnt be so angry with him and maybe he could be the special person.

No he doesnt do any of the horrible things solidgold said. We have an ok life. It is the life he wants. If i left this life to go elsewhere would he follow me? Probably not, the life we have means a lot to him but I dont.

All i wanted to know was could i erase the wedding without splitting up. I dont want to change our life atm, the kids like it and I can cope with it. But unless I can get rid of this feeling it wont last and the thought of splitting up even in the future isnt a good one. I would rather not, but I dont know how to rescue things when he wont talk to me

marriage is a legal commitment. sort of like the bit of paper that says you own your own house. or your car. its a contract.
all the other stuff is just so many adjectives.

WHat do you mean about his being a total arse? Given that you said you didn't belive in marriage and didn't take it seriously, did you expect too much from him on the day? Is it possible he was just acting as he thought you'd expect, given that you told him you didn't believe in it?
What has happened to change your view of marriage as an insitution?
Do you think you could be depressed? How old is your child?
Why do you think he doesn't love you?

I honestly think a divorce would mean the end of your marriage. And you would have to lie to make it legal.

Im sorry I just dont have the energy anymore. I go the answer I needed but the rest is too much

YOu do sound depressed.

please go find someone who you can talk to objectively so that you can enjoy your life again, you deserve something much more than what you have now.

Message withdrawn

I am going to say it very slowly:

YOU

NEED

COUNSELLING

Just go and get some and do yourself, your husband, your children, and any future partner you may become involved with, a big favour.

I havent read all this - but from what i have read - you want to stay in the same relationship but not be married - but marriage is just a piece of paper??

You are resentful of the life he is living as you think he has it all his way. I can empathise with this totally.

My h had an affair and if i am honest my 'marriage' ended then - he has broken the vows he made to me then so it is broken. We are not divorced and we are still in a great relationship. If i wanted to prove a point i could get a divorce but then like so many have said i would lose my protection. I have no intention of leaving him and he says he has none to leave me so we are still married.

He wanted to re-do our vows recently but i feel i can not commit again in the same way - so i no longer believe in the same way i did iyswim.

Anyway - instead of attacking the problem with wanting to divorce why not get the relationship you do want from him by working on it now.

We have worked a lot on ours - it is not perfect (whose is?) but it is great for us both now and i feel much better than i did so it can change.

Try to get over what happened on that one day and move on with the rest of your life and live it the way you want from now on.

Good luck though and hope you do feel better soon.

I agree. You can't erase the wedding, it happened. You can't go back in time without causing hideous collateral damage. But the fact that you're focusing so obsessively on the idea of dissolving the marriage is a sign that you could really really benefit from counselling.

Put it this way - isn't what you really want to get rid of the feeling of misery and wrongness of being married? Divorce might do it (though it would mean splitting up properly by the sound of it, not continuing to cohabit), but there could be other ways. Being able to look at that uncomfortable state of affairs - that you are legally married and went through a ceremony you now regret - and just not feel so unhappy about it - to acknowledge it without being so eaten up by it - could make you much happier. And that feeling is what you could get from some good, honest-to-goodness therapy. I'm not talking about changing your view of marriage, just about being able to accept that things are not as you want them or as you feel marriage should be, but without being so intensely eaten up by it. And then maybe after that you can still go ahead and do splitting up, if it's right, but in less of an intense, panicked, 'turn back time' sort of way.

Regardless of its non-legality, deciding to cohabit while bringing up children is a huge commitment. It may not be there on paper but it's a huge entangling of your lives, with each other and with your children's lives. Can you be sure that even if you had a divorce, that wouldn't come into the picture as the new focus of your unhappiness? Mightn't you start wanting to wind the clock back even further to a stage when you had separate households? I'm not married, but I don't feel less attached to my partner for that, because we've made this huge commitment and joined so much of our lives together. It wouldn't be any easier for us to split up after the children have left home, just because we're not married - psychologically and emotionally it will still be a huge thing.

Good luck - I hope you get some counselling or therapy that can make you feel better - even if you still decide to get divorced.

I agree withthe other posters, you sound so unhppy. whether that is with your marriage, your relationship or just yourself you need to get some help, counscelling or something to fix this.

Right, I think I get it. I didn't at the start but do now. DH and I got married for legal reasons following a discussion ie. No proposal. But the difference was that we did actually both want to and our tiny wedding was lovely and we both have fond memories. I know that I would be with him now even if we didn't have children.

I think what your DH's behavior and attitude on your wedding day has left some big scars and you now equate the hurt from this with being married and feel if you weren't married you would have more chance of your relationship working. I think unfortunately that if you did divorce the upheaval of doing so and the new lies that would be told would be the end anyway.

I do agree with the others that councelling is the way ahead as I think you have trapped yourself in a sort of logic loop that probably won't work and you could do with an outsider to help you explore the consequences of taking other routes to resolve how you feel.