Can you get divorced without splitting up?

[chamaeleon]

Wierd I know and long story. I have no intentions of splitting up with dh but I feel getting married was a mistake and its eating away at me and Im angry about it so much. I feel our relationship would really benefit from me not being so obsessed with this and a divorce might do that. There is no abandonment, unreasonable behaviour, adultery etc, no reason to split up which is what most divorces are based on. We wouldnt have to split assets or kids or anything as we would stay together. Can it be done? Dont tell me to talk to him because he wont communicate about the issue of marriage at all.

NOBODY with any sense thinks anyone else's marriage is 'blissful perfection'! Marriage is blundering through, sticking it out when you hate each other. Knowing you are both a bit rubbish a lot of the time, but still staying there. Believe me, you have a marriage. Don't resent your dh for getting divorced! Divorce only seemed like a formality to him because in his mind and heart he'd long since got divorced when he split with his ex and fell in love with you. Most men IME feel like this. That the legalities aren't hugely meaningful compared to what happens in their heart. He loves you! He wants you to be the mother of his children! He wants to live with you and be married to you! THAT IS MARRIAGE!

You are choosing to create this pressure, really you are. Nobody else gives a shit if you are married or not. To most people you live your marriage simply by living together and raising your child/ren together.

You are right cargirl, but I dont think he believes that. I do, but I would rather I didnt

Yes we have a marriage. It is a marriage for the kids, for our extended families, for our mortgage. But it isnt for us. And it might be selfish, but I want something for ME. me me me. I want someone who wants me. Not my kids, not the respectability, not the reduced car insurance, ME. And one day I would like to know I have it. And if dh wont do that I will find someone who does. But if we could get divorced now he would have the chance to show me that.

Yes I do have very strict ideas of what I want. But i dont see why I should change that. Why should I put up with something not good enough just because thousands of other people have done? Thats their choice, but its not mine. I would rather be single than have a marriage neither of us cared about.

Standing ovation to mabanana, actually I think I'm copying that out and keep it somewhere safe, great post!

Chamaleon, if you really are not happy about the situation and there is nothing you can do about it but trying to get a divorce... well as I said, find info about divorce (wikivorce.com is a good place to start)

You don't need to convince us about your reasons. The judge is the one difficult to convince (and your husband, of course)

So why are you with him? Why don't you want to split up? Why do you think he is with you?
It sounds to me as if you love him, and he loves you, but you are hung up on some kind of strange fantasy in which he chases you and begs you to marry him. That doesn't mean someone loves you more, or is more right for you. It really doesn't.
Why do you think he doesn't love you for you?

mabanana. you cleary have not met my family. People do give a shit. And it hurts me every time they show it because I cant tell them the truth, that this is marriage of convenience and nothing more. And I want to scream at them to stop making a fuss. But that really wont help, it wont relieve the pressure.

Shitemum you are right, I do. But I always have and probably always will

Your family is happy for you, presumably. They are glad you have a partnership to raise your child in. Don't you have that? More importantly, why does it bother you so much what they think?
YOu know what, I think you have LOADS to talk to a counsellor about!

As a person who goes to extreme to do what is considered "right" I can tell you that your can "wrong do" many people in the process to keep that peace of mind... well actually, sometimes when the deed is done you don't get to get the peace of mind anyway...

There is NOTHING wrong with a marriage of 'convenience' if the convenience is that you care about each other, live together, raise your child together. That is marriage. Why do you have such a narrow definition of marriage? Actually how do you define marriage?

I know I dont have to convince you and this is why I havent been on here for so long, it sucks you in. You answer the questions because you want to justify yourself.

He doesnt love me for me. He loves me for the life we have. Thats not enough for me, I want to know he would love me if we didnt have kids, if we didnt have a house he loved. Would we be together then? I doubt it. So it feels wrong to be together now but it makes no sense to split up, I just dont want a marriage hanging over me. I have no strange fantasy about being chased. If its a strange fantasy to be wanted for yourself then yes, that I have.

Why do you think he doesn't want you for you?

So if you are in a marriage to raise your children what happens when they leave?

How old is your child?

I think you are over rationalising the whole situation and perhaps we are making the problme worse...

Very clearly people around think you are happily married and you're not. That is probably what is making you unhappy.

You seem very unhappy in the situation so perhaps you can very truthfully say to your dh come to relate or we get divorced. That does give him a chance to fight for you.

OP- I get what you mean. I feel the same sometimes, DH and I got married but I am not sure he really wanted to and it makes it feel... odd sometimes. I wish we'd aited until (if!) he was really really head over heals etc., but then I think I am looking fo a fairy tale. I even didn't wear my ring for a few months. But then marriage isn't about the big romance, it's a good solid bond. It sounds like you really would benefit from relate. Hard as it sounds I don't think you should 'rewind' and hope for the big romance , it may never happen. Think about something instead to renew your love? It could be anything, not just vow renewal. DH and I never had our Marriage blessed so I see that as our '2nd go' kind of thing. I am leaving that totally in DHs court though so I know he really wants to, albeit with massive hhints and boots up the backside from me!

what are your reasons for not splitting up properly then?

you dont talk about issues that are important to you (which to me is what being in a partnership is all about) and you dont seem sure of your relationships longevity so whats the point of getting divorced and staying together? why not get divorced and open yourself up to the possibility of meeting someone you share your thoughts and worries with and for whom you feel so strongly that you want to commit to them in the ways you say you dont with your current husband?

to me your options are either stay together and grow into your vows like in arranged marraiges, or split up and maybe find the sort of strong conviction that you say is missing now

Why does it matter how long we have left to pretend?

This is turning into people just trying to convince me that what I have is what I want and its not. I dont care if everyone else thinks I have a marriage. I dont, and thats what is important. I dont want to be with someone because they cant be bothered to leave, I know I am being selfish but why shouldnt I be?? Yes our marriage has ages to go in terms of convenience but I am sick of conveniece and doing things for everyone else. It doesnt affect my kids if I am married or cohabiting, it makes no difference at all. But it makes a difference to me. So I dont care how many definitions of marriage get posted on here, its all rubbish. Its about what I want from a relationship an the fact I dont have it. Its about getting what I want from this realtionship as it would cause the minimum amount of inconvenience to my kids who are the most important people in this. But partly its also about not having to think that in 20 years I will be on my own because I told a stupid lie when I was scared.

Cham... it sounds to me like you just need reassurance of your DHs love for you which is why I think you would benefit from relate.

You sound so angry (and are rather unkind and aggressive, but I suppose you are emotional so...) and I don't know why.
You seen absolutely furious that other people have a less rigid and narrow definition of marriage than you do.
If you don't love your husband, and are on the lookout for someone else, then maybe you should get divorced. But in that case maybe you might want to make a clean break and look for someone to meet your criteria for an ideal husband. I think that counselling might make you less prone to be disappointed though.

Life isn't a Disney movie.

I dont want to split up as that would make my kids unhappy and as a marriage of convenience this works perfectly well. As many have said, we have what lots of people define as a marriage. But its not good enough for me. Im selfish. I want someone who wants me without the rest of the crap. Someone who if it was just us, no kids, no house, no families, different place - would want to marry me. Wouldnt have to be nagged into it. The other option is stay together for now and split when the kids have gone. That one seems most likely. The point of getting divorced and staying together is that then we have the option of getting married because we want to, not because something is happening to push us into it. I dont want to threaten divorce, I certainly dont want to give an ultimatum. I just wish I could turn back the clock so I didnt do it in the first place.

What was the lie - "I told a stupid lie when I was scared"?

Could you also explain "they both signed a bit of paper, he took it to court and it got stamped. Finished. I dont want to lie, I want a divorce on the grounds that neither of us wanted to get married".