Can you get divorced without splitting up?

[chamaeleon]

Wierd I know and long story. I have no intentions of splitting up with dh but I feel getting married was a mistake and its eating away at me and Im angry about it so much. I feel our relationship would really benefit from me not being so obsessed with this and a divorce might do that. There is no abandonment, unreasonable behaviour, adultery etc, no reason to split up which is what most divorces are based on. We wouldnt have to split assets or kids or anything as we would stay together. Can it be done? Dont tell me to talk to him because he wont communicate about the issue of marriage at all.

It is starting to show that the problem here are not the marriage vows... but the fact that you feel unloved.

Because of exactly how you feel you need to have some counselling I would suggest relate and then if you need to later on you can talk to your dh at relate.

Have you ever told him that you believe it is a marriage of convenience and that he doesn't want to be with you just for you?

Is that the elephant in your relationship that you don't tell him how you really feel because he doesn't want to hear it?

Cham - did he propose?

It really annoys me when people dont get what I am saying. Its hard to get the point across on a forum. I couldnt care less what people on here think a marriage is. Thats your choice and if that makes me aggressive, unkind and furious then thats what I am. But what a load of people I dont know think a marriage is has no effect on my life. I dont want a disney movie, I dont want someone perfect. I want someone who loves me for me. And having someone who wants the life we have isnt the same.

Housework if I sound like a spoilt child because I have a huge hospital phobia then so be it. If you are happy to put up wih someone who doesnt particularly care about you then good luck to you. But I dont have to share your opinion.

No he didnt propose. We discussed it and decided to do it as quickly as possible. He knows how I feel. He has done nothing to change it because he doesnt want to change anything

And relate isnt an option, we dont have the money

what do you expect him to do?
People are trying to help you here. YOu do sound aggressive.

What makes you think we are with people who don't particularly care for us???

If you have no money, realte is free (or a fiver, I don't remember)

Cham I get you, honest I do. It's hard I guess unless your in the situation though. I feel if I stripped away the DSs, the mortgage etc etc DH and I would just be 2 people, which I think is how you feel. Your DH is your kids dad, someone that shares the bills, house, but isn't really your husband. I don't think it's uncommon to feel that way. Do you know DH 'doesn't love you'? or do you feel it?

Relate can be free, and you may have to go before a divorce anyway.

I didnt say that myson. I said whatever works for you is fine, but it doesnt mean it has to work for me.

We wont get relate for free. I cannot justify spending that much money on something that wont help. By going to relate I wont stop caring that he doesnt give a toss. I could just drink myself into a stupor if I want to become numb to the world, it would be much more fun.

Roffle thats exactly it. Unfortunately it isnt uncommon to get divorced for real either and thats what I want to avoid. If I take away a major headache and give us the oportunity to fix things then maybe it wont happen

You seem to have convinced yourself that he doesn't love you, when to an outsider, all the evidence is that he is. Have you told him that you feel unloved? Seems to me that a little talk is going to be cheaper and less of a bomb going off in your lives than divorce.

I dont want a bomb, I just want to not be married. I dont ant the kind of divorce most people seemto think I want. If he was bothered he would talk to me but he wont. Its pointless.

Thanks for all the replies, I havent been on mn for months and I think its better if I stay away, its too emotional to get sucked in to these convos and people never get what I am saying anyway. most of this thread is not what I was meaning. But thanks anyway.

I do (now) understand what you are saying and I can empathise with why you feel so miserable about it.

You do have choices so use them. You may end up divorced, your dh may surprise you and suddenly realise he has to start trying to meet your needs as his lover & companion. Your current marriage can really change beyond recognition.

The longer you do nothing the harder it will be, the more miserable you will become and ultimately you will probably have some sort of breakdown.

Been there got the t-shirt - I would strongly recommend doing something asap.

so you think you'll split up when the kids are older?

IMO it is cruel to plan to do things that way.

separated parents is easy enough to adjust to when kids are young. yes its hard but they new circumstances becomes their norm soon enough. I think when parents split when kids are teens or at uni it scars for longer - they feel like their lives were a lie, the ground crumbled from their feet and they themselves may vow to never get married

that is my experience from me and my friends experiences

my parents split when I was about 6 - was a rough year or two but I grew into my new family dynamics and was happy as I had two loving parents who were happy. My friends who's parents split early on share my experience and never really saw it as a big deal and also didnt carry any issues about it into their own relationships

My friends who's parents split when they were teens or in their twenties still get upset about it and carried issues about it into their adult lives

I haven't read every post but you do seem to be VERY mixed up.

If you want to marry someone else one day, which is what you seem to be saying, then you need to end this marriage- AND MOVE OUT OR SPLIT UP.

How can you possibly want to get divorced but still live with this man- at the same time as hoping someone better will come along, and you will get the marriage you want?

If you feel he doesn't love you, the leave.
It looks to me as if you want the home-comforts of living under the same roof, but the freedom of being a single person. For goodness sake, grow up and get real.

Look, I'm going to have one last try at tring to get you to look at your rigid beliefs. You say 'If he was bothered he would talk to me but he wont.'
Like 'should' the phrase 'if he was bothered he'd do X' is very often more to do with your beliefs (which may be wrong) than objective thruths
Maybe, like some of us, he feels that whatever he says, you will cling to your strongly held beliefs that your world-view has to be true? He may not want to 'talk to you' because he thinks, 'I love her, I married her, I had a child with her, but every time we talk she tells me I don't love her and our marriage is a lie, and I find that hurtful' or 'There's no point talking to her because she's convinced I don't love her, even though I married her'. Your view is not the only possible truth.
You obviously definite love in one way (not sure what your h would have to do to prove it) but maybe he thinks he HAS proved he love you because he married you.
WHen you say he won't talk, do you go on the attack? Do you say, 'If you loved me, you would do X?' because you know, that would really piss me off if my dh said that. People express love in different ways.

YOu definitely need counselling because you are sounding more and more fucking nuts with every post.

You got married for perfectly good reasons (legal protection for your DC etc).

Your DH is not behaving in any undesirable ways ie he is not beating you, leaving skiddy pants all over the floor, stealing money from you, doing drugs in the shed, belittling you in front of your mates or wanking over internet porn.

Yet you seem to have got hung up on some strange idea that you can't really understand yourself, let alone communicate to anyone else: your posts are some of the most deeply and purely irrational I have ever read. Get some counselling/mental health support and hopefully you will be able to put it all into perspective and stop fretting about bugger all.

solidgold- are you madamez namechange, ?

hi ...(had to go earlier)..yep, you're right, i did have the complete wrong end of the stick...and having just re-read the whole thread..not sure i'd have the right end now?

hope things work out ok for you.

It is nothing to do with rigid beliefs. It is to do with conversations we have had in the past. I dont know how he feels now but I know he didnt want to get married at the time. I have never said if you love me you would X, thats just ridiculous. He doesnt want to talk because he doesnt like it. If I loved someone and I knew they were in pain and a sentence from me would solve it I would say it if I meant it but he wont. So you turn that round and tell me I am imagining things. I married him too remember, but what I feel for him isnt enough to get married if there are no other factors involved so your argument falls down somewhat.

I dont necessarily want to marry someone else, I just want to marry someone who loves me. I am not willing to stay in a hollow marriage for ever. If thats good enough for you solidgold then as I have said, have fun. Make your own choice. But I know its not good enough for me and I woud rather have something more now rather than hanging around til half my life has gone. If I believed a fantastic marriage is just a lack of those things you have listed then I would have no problem but dont you want more out of life? Im not the kind of person who must have a man, Im not needy, I want something good or nothing at all. I would rather have a good marriage but nothing is better than mediocre. Yes I got married for valid reasons but those will expire when the kids leave. What if he starts leaving skiddy pants on the floor? Can I split up then? I dont agree with if it isnt shit isnt wonderful argument

Are my kids living a lie? By most people definition of a marriage thats what we have. everything is fine. Is fine good enough? Not for me, forever, no. But thats my personal choice. If other people are ok with that then thats their choice. I dont know if a huge legal battle over custody and years of sniping at each other would make my kids happier than staying in an ok marriage. I will probably go with the ok marriage because its easier. But there will come a time when it wont be and I would prefer it if it was a good marriage now.

I know the longer it takes the harder it will be. But do what?

HF Yes. (Why is this suddenlycoming up on every farking thread when I namechanged about 4 months ago?)