Can you get divorced without splitting up?

[chamaeleon]

Wierd I know and long story. I have no intentions of splitting up with dh but I feel getting married was a mistake and its eating away at me and Im angry about it so much. I feel our relationship would really benefit from me not being so obsessed with this and a divorce might do that. There is no abandonment, unreasonable behaviour, adultery etc, no reason to split up which is what most divorces are based on. We wouldnt have to split assets or kids or anything as we would stay together. Can it be done? Dont tell me to talk to him because he wont communicate about the issue of marriage at all.

"But the point of marriage is to commit yourself to another person isnt it? Well we didnt."

But you do. Every day you wake up and work and live together as a family you commit to each other. Committment isn't about words in a ceremony, or even what you felt while you said those words. Marriage is about being there for each other every day (whether you're physically in the same place or not, and as much as practical, before I upset those whose work keeps them apart) and supporting each other through thick and thin - all those cliches. That's what a committed marriage is. (It's also what a committed ltr is, of course.)

I'm sorry you feel you've missed you "go", but as others have said, a renewal of your vows - where you really do mean it this time - is about the only reasonable thing to do. Maybe on your third/fourth/fifth wedding anniversary? You should know if you want to make a go of it by then.

What Oldlady said.

If you do not want to split up with him then you are committed to the relationship. If you sit down and say to him shall we split up or make a committment to make this marriage work forever then you will know either way.......

I know forever is too long to plan realisically. But it started a lie and it stays as such. And that is forever. No chance to change it is there?

All I dream of in a marriage is that we both feel it is right and want what marriage means. Neither of us did.

I see your point about kids and I am completely committed to that. But him and me is a separate issue. We can split after the kids have left and its no big deal. But wanting to stay together after that is something I want to do. I want us to commit to each other, not just the kids.

Oldlady I woke up with my ex and lived with him as a family and he was a horrible man and our relationship could not be more different. Its not about renewing vows, I want the lie I told to go away.

I am committed to the relationship. But if there is no differnce between a relationship and a marriage why does anyone get married?

Counselling, seriously. You really need it.

I don't get where the lie was? You wanted a legal contract to exist between you and your child's father in case you died post partam, so that the wishes you had decided upon together could be enforced by him. That is a perfectly valid (not very romantic admittedly) and practical reason for marriage. And a lot better reason than "I want to be a princess for a day" which seems to be why lots of women want to get married. There was no lie.

My DH wanted to marry me but would never have got around to it. I booked the church and then told him we were getting married. Does that make the last eight years of marriage a lie? Of course it doesn't.

there is a difference between marriage & relationship in the eyes of the law and in the eyes of God (irrelevant if you don't believe).

If you talked through it all with him properly then you can say I didn't mean those promises when I made them but I do mean it now, do you feel the same way? The thing about lies is actually confessing them, apologising and making amends can make the issue resolved.

"why does anyone get married?"

As I said above, for good reasons such as wanting a legal recognition to the relationship, like yours, and for trivial reasons (to wit "want my big day"). Either can turn out to be equally valid - the proof of the pudding is in the eating. It doesn't matter how things start, it's where they end up.

traditionally most people used to marry for reasons like yours and many went on to enjoy a fulfilling marriage which developed in the years AFTER the vows were said. In many cultures today they still do say the vows FIRST and then grow to really mean them.

heck my grandparents barely knew each other when they said their vows so they cant have meant them in the way I meant them when I married my DH but it didnt make their marriage any less real in the long run

Ok, if you really want the lie you told to go away, I would recommend the following steps.

1)find a way to talk to your DH about this, he may not like to talk but this is not something that you can initiate on your own without dire consequences

2. Have a look at wikivorce.com to get more informed about how the divorce process works and see if you really want to live with a contract that specifies that you are responsible for your children in A, B, C, D days and him on XYZ (oh yes you have to prove to the judge that there is a good agreement in place for the benefit of the children)

3)You need to find a BIGGER lie than saying forever, as your divorce petition would not be approved if you plan to continue living together as a couple. You need to say he has abandoned you for 5 years; you have not had sex or done any housework for each other, or even had dinner together for 2 years, you can say he is sleeping with another person, or you can say that you can not stay together because his behaviour is so unreasonable you can not be expected to continue living with him.

4. He will need to define how much money he will provide for mainteinance of his children (and lie if he tells you more or less than that)

Gosh... I think there would be more lies in getting divorced than the one you told when getting married...

My grandparents got married because that's what you did, she was in service, he was a miner that way they got a house and a better standard of living. I don't think love came into it actually.

Getting married was cheaper and took less time than making a will. Doesnt that sound to you like a hollow reason for getting married? I guess at the time I never wanted to get married but I have changed and now I do. Or maybe it was partly I knew dh wouldnt ever want to do it so I talked myself out of it. The lie is that I never intended it to be forever. It was convenient to be legally tied together while we have kids. I never wanted to be with someone forever. I guess I am now getting old and feel I would like to have something that lasts.

Birth plan was a homebirth, it all went wrong but I planned to do it alone because I had a negative mw and didnt want her there. Luckily I got a different one and got carted off to hospital. Birth didnt bother me, I just want to know everything would be sorted if I died, a will would have done the same thing.

I struggle with firm decision, I need something to mark them. I would also like to know I have a dh who feels the same.

Cargirl he doesnt talk, or communicate about anything difficult. It will never happen. And I want the issue to be resolved now. I wouldnt get married now. I dont feel married now. I dont want to be married. But I dont want to split up, things arent that bad.

Chamaleon... the best advise I have been given during my divorce (and believe me I have never seen any other divorced couple in such good terms as us), was to discuss the divorce petition before submiting it. It is a harsh document, you need to make it harsh enough for it to go through.

If you go ahead with it without talking to him you may end up loosing the guy altogether. My ex boyfreind loved his former wife to pieces, he says he understands now why she had to put those lies in the divorce petition but they have never been in good terms ever since. Shame for the children though...

Chamaleon... the best advise I have been given during my divorce (and believe me I have never seen any other divorced couple in such good terms as us), was to discuss the divorce petition before submiting it. It is a harsh document, you need to make it harsh enough for it to go through.

If you go ahead with it without talking to him you may end up loosing the guy altogether. My ex boyfreind loved his former wife to pieces, he says he understands now why she had to put those lies in the divorce petition but they have never been in good terms ever since. Shame for the children though...

So we cant get divorced. I know lots of people start out the way we did, but it doesnt mean I had to and tbh it is wrecking our relationship. We have a far higher chance of splitting up by staying married than by getting divorced. I know a lot of people believe life is what you make of it but I dont think you need to put up and shut up if it can be avoided. And I guess that altho I started off thinking marriage is ridiculous it now means more to me than to most. But a it cant be avoided I guess its put up and shut up and see what happens. Believe me if I thought there was any point to counselling I would try it but I cannot think of a single thing they can tell me I dont already know

myson it doesnt have to be harsh. I nagged him into divorcing his ex (they had been separated years before we met) and it was a piece of cake when he finally got round to it. He didnt care he was married to another woman, I only cared that if he died she would get the house. So if he didnt care about that how can he possibly care about marrying me? Marriage clearly means nothing to him, it was what you did.

Have a good read at wikivorce or any divorce book, and then decide, believe me... we have been wanting this for years and years on end and yet it is bloody difficult...

"they had been separated years before we met"

Hence why it wasn't difficult, you want to continue having a relationship with him.

I married for love, and I still very much love the guy albeit not romantically speaking, we were married for 10 years, and so far he is still my best friend. I think he thinks the same of me.

Which would you rather do - let this issue wreck your relationship so that your divorce becomes necessary and for real, or yes, put up and shut up, accept that this is your reality, you're married to a man who loves you and wants to be with you and you want to make that marriage meaningful?

(Ooooh, horrible sentence construction, sorry)

They both signed a bit of paper, he took it to court and it got stamped. Finished. I dont want to lie, I want a divorce on the grounds that neither of us wanted to get married and the fact that we are living a lie which everyone else seems to think it blissful perfection is driving me insane and if it doesnt stop then we will end up with a horrible divorce. I am not disputing that most divorces are hard, but not all of them are. We get given anniversary cards and I want to set fire to them, no one gets me a card for the anniversary of getting life insurance. I hate not having what everyone else thinks I have, I feel I am lying all the time

I have really no idea at all what you are talking about.
Except...
I think you have a really rigid idea of what marriage is. I bet you are a person with quite rigid ideas of what is 'right' and what is 'wrong'. I'd bet you have a very strict definition of marriage, and even stricter ideas of how you 'should' feel about getting married.
Would it help at all to remember that for thousands of years, 'marriage' is exactly what you have. A partnership, and even more so, a partnership that exists to raise children. Marriage is a relationship that is nothing to do with a ceremony, a big dress, a party etc - it is waking up every day with a man that you don't want to leave right this minute. It is a living partnership between two people who accept each other as normal, fallible human beings with flaws, often big flaws, but despite those flaw, you agree to keep living together, to live together for the foreseeable future, and to raise children if they come along.
That IS what marriage is. If you got married thinking, I want to live with this man. I want to raise my child with this man. I have no plans or desire to split up with this man, then you did NOT lie. This is what marriage is. Don't believe the Hello/Mills & Boon lie about eternal physical/spiritual passion, about the big performance, the big diamond, the big dress. That's all rubbish. Trash. Marriage is a small, intimate thing. It's about the commitment you make every day of your life by waking up next to this man and sharing your life and your child with him. There is nothing more intimate, nothing more honest. In history people got married for dynasty, for money, to escape their parents, for sex, religion, for family, for freedom, fto escape social stigma, to have a legitimate baby, for love. There is NO single reason, not single true reason. Why do people get married? Even today pretty much for all those reasons, plus tradition, practical and legal reasons. All are valid. I got married as I was pretty old and I like the idea of marking this relationship as different because it was the one I would have children in with someone I trusted enough to have children with. It doesn't mean I felt a different sort of love, or was more in love than with any previous boyfriend.
Marriage truly is, more than anything else you do, what you make it.
I honestly think you need some counselling and you can do it alone. I'd recommend cognitive behavioural therapy, as it seem your preconceived ideas of what marriage 'should' be is hurting you. IMO, if you start using the word 'should' about anything at all, then the roots of that 'should' needs unpicking.

It sounds like the real issue is that your DH doesn't talk.

I would trot him off to relate, perhaps you need to state to him divorce or relate.

My dh knows how sad it made me that for a long time he never proposed/asked me to marry him. I absolutely never doubted his commitment to me but it really hurt that he didn't seem bothered enough to want me etc etc

If you can't talk properly to each other your marriage is on rough grounds anyway because one day you will meet someone you can talk to and will fall for them big time.

I dont want the pressure we have now, but stay together or split up I dont care atm. I would rather it didnt get nasty but I just want it to all go away.

OP - dont mean to sound harsh but I think you think too much...