Can you get divorced without splitting up?

[chamaeleon]

Wierd I know and long story. I have no intentions of splitting up with dh but I feel getting married was a mistake and its eating away at me and Im angry about it so much. I feel our relationship would really benefit from me not being so obsessed with this and a divorce might do that. There is no abandonment, unreasonable behaviour, adultery etc, no reason to split up which is what most divorces are based on. We wouldnt have to split assets or kids or anything as we would stay together. Can it be done? Dont tell me to talk to him because he wont communicate about the issue of marriage at all.

If we all just threw in the towel when things werent the way we wanted then there would be a lot of seperated people and a lot more broken homes.

I had a life plan - i bought into the whole one partner for life thing when i got married and it was wonderful - now he messed up and destroyed that.

I can either give up on it completely - this is not the life i wanted and i deserve so much more. Or i can say 'well bits did not go the way i wanted what can i do now to go forward?'

It has taken me a long time to realise that i am the only person who has control over my life and therefore it is up to me to make it the best i can with the cards i have been dealt. And although it is not easy, i am a lot happier now than i was before in my so-called 'perfect' marriage.

have had to read this one several times to try to understand it and I still can't!
the legal advice given by cashncarry is 100% spot on. You cannot get divorced unless you are prepared to lie and make a mockery of the legal system (oh, and throw a few hundred pounds away in Court fees)
I just don't understand how you are so unhappy. Do you never read the hundreds of posts on here from poor women who have been abandoned/left/dumped by their husbands or have husbands that are unfaithful or beat them etc etc? You should think yourself lucky and give a thought to others less fortunate than yourself. I'm sorry if I come across as unsympathetic, but come on, listen to yourself! If you REALLY feel like that, you do need help, not a divorce.

Life doesn't have an undo button. You need to move past this, I agree with all the posters who have suggested counselling.

It is completely nuts to want to divorce a mam you love, have children with etc. If my partner had the same thoughts and feelings as you I think I would have shut off. It's just nuts and an issue that you need to work through.

its probably been said but before you even contemplate it read yorkiegirls thread on marriage and how it simpifies everything if one of you were to die

I think the answer is no, you can't, sorry.

So your options are:
-Stay as you are and see what happens
-Get couselling, either alone or together
-Split up, and continue to be friends and fantastic partners but neither married or in a relationship

Only you know which of those is best.

I really feel for you and do actually understand what you are saying but being unmarried will not necessarily guarantee that your relationship will improve if you are able to divorce. It sounds like there were problems well before you walked down the aisle.

He sounds like someone unable/unwilling to communicate and hear your concerns, you sound incrediby angry. I completely agree with Bink's post and really do think counselling would help you a great deal.

chameleon, Okay, I know it's difficult (your feelings are justified but so are his) but you must just let this go. You wanted to get married (for whatever reasons you had) before and you said you nagged him into it. Now he isn't wanting to hear about changing back (to him you sound as if you don't know what you want).
Take a deep breath and move on. If you love each other and you wouldn't change locations, or split children then just reassure each other (maybe he already has) that you both would have gotten married anyway...or if the timing was right etc.
There are events in everyone's life that they would change or do differently if they could...but they cannot so they just make the best of it and do the best for the future.
You will never, (NEVER) have to live this or any other day of your lives over again in your lifetimes so please...for you and your husbands and childrens sake make them the best, happiest that you can.
If this is the only thing that goes wrong in your life then you are truly blessed anyway.
Besides...ten, twenty or 50 years down the road you can have another ceremony for your beautiful life together...but it will be what you make it.

I think the OP is being given a hard time and she is clearly unhappy so it is a bit mean.

I do understand and am in a similar situation albeit I am not married. I am in a relationship that is one of convenience I know we would not be togther if we did not have dd, or if I did not have dd as she is mine from a previous relationship.

I want more from our realtionship than dp is prepared to give me or can give me. I think that he knows what I want/ need and is not willing or cant give it and therefore we have no future. I can also not give him what he wants/ needs.

I am probably going to leave and I am getting a hard time over it, and people trot out to me he doesnt drink, beat you, cheat etc as if that is all I should expect.

I do know that if or when I leave it will break dd heart so at present we are just going through the motions, although there is a half hearted attempt to make it work. It has not been completely ruled out that we will stay together for dd and I will leave when she finds some independence.

I do think that counselling will help.

I have friends who are divorced and now live togther again and are very happy.

you can't go back in time.

You can't unmarry, you can only divorce.

You say you're happy in your relationship as it is now, and don't want to split up.

What's in the past, ie. your marriage being a lie, is in the past and you can't change it. You can only work with the situation you are in now.

You have children together, and presumably you both want to make your relationship work. Do you really want to put your children through a divorce and then another marriage just for your own sense of it 'feeling right'? It seems a huge length to go to when the only difference between you two and an umarried couple is a piece of paper.

I think you have to try and come to terms with the past, the decision you both made, and how things have subsequently changed between you.

I think many many people probably get married each year who don't entirely mean their vows. Some of them divorce because they no longer want to be together, and some of them make it work, as to all intents and purposes it sounds like you have done.

I think it is up to you to try and change your perspective on this. Stop looking at how the past wasnt perfect, and try to see how your present circumstance, in the here and now, is actually pretty good.

If you divorce your husband, you won't go back to where you were before you married, it would be unchartered territory as ex-h and wife, and who's to say that would suit your any better than the way things are at the moment?

But originally Ditany she said she still wanted to be with him. I really can't see what would be different (and as has been said, legally it isn't even possible).

I think she is incredibly angry and regardless of being married or not, him not communicating with her is the central issue afaics. It must be a lonely place to be. I really hope if your still reading op thatyou do consider some counselling.

I suspect dittany that for the very reason that everyone believes theyare good together and perhaps the effect on the dc an even yes perhaps that the relationship won't survive.

That deep down the op maybe suspects on a deeper level that her relationship won't survive is what I meant, sorry bad grammar.

Talking from experience I know how lonely and frustrating it is to be in a relationship that appears to outsiders to be perfect when it is very different. I hope the op comes back, she is in a very difficult place.

OK, have been trying to think how to phrase this so it makes sense. I was very upset yesterday, for the umpteenth time I had tried to talk to him and he had brushed me off. Im not sure if this thread hekped or not. Anyway have managed to upset myself again so it prob wont come out right now either.

I dont expect perfection. We get along fine, we like each other, we do care about each other, the kids are happy and I am not going to throw that away. Splitting up is not an option. However when the kids have grown up there will be no reason to stay together. liking each other isnt enough on its own. How many people do you like? Have you married them all? I dont want to split up ever, I would rather get things back on track. Marriage is a huge thing and I feel it is in the way all the time. I want to get rid of it. Clearly its not possible so I will have to live with it. There is no reason why it should affect the kids if I got divorced, who would tell them?

I still dont see how counselling will help. I am angry with him. I know why I am angry with him. If he was sorry, I wouldnt be angry or upset. But he isnt. As so many have said I need to get over that and get on with life. I do that most days but yesterday I couldnt.

For the people who said to work at my marriage - how do you work at it when the other person wont even acknowledge that you need to? I have tried but I get more resentful that I am doing all the running to get nothing back.

The only way I can think of to explain why I dont want to be married is - if you believe marriage is more than just a piece of paper and you do want to be married, why? The reason people want to be married is lacking in my relationship so I dont want to be married. I dont really see why its hard to understand that. If you understand what marriage is supposed to mean, you understand what I havent got and it feels fraudulent to have the piece of paper saying that special something is there. I hope that makes more sense

"I still dont see how counselling will help. I am angry with him. I know why I am angry with him. If he was sorry, I wouldnt be angry or upset. But he isnt."

The point of counselling is that as you can't change how he thinks, feels, or acts, it can help you to think of other ways to respond than being angry.

Still don't get why you think your relationship will be better if you are together but not married. Your problems will still be there. Women (and men) who are not married and never have been still feel that their partner won't work at their relationship.

Cham - what did he do on your wedding day that upset you so much? Do you want him to be sorry for this and feel as though he isn't? It seems you have issues going back to then that you need to cover.
fwiw I understand you went into the marriage in case you died; when you didn't, you were bound to feel very different. You had a new go at life, but couldn't have a new go at marriage. Although I don't know what you can do, I do feel for you as it is obvious you are getting yourself more and more worked up about it

Dittany thats the whole point, But most people dont agree, just read the thread.

The relationship isnt that bad. Most days I am fine. If I think about it I am sad that we are only really friends but its usually ok. Sometimes I have a down day and all the questions on here were really upsetting. Like if you are single and occasionally you get a bit down you dont have a boyfriend. Today has been ok. Life is just a bit empty without a boyfriend figure but theres no guarantee I would get one if we split anyway. Pointless tearing the kids world apart for something that might not happen. And from some of the replies on here it would appear I am nowhere near alone in this situation. I am guessing that most of the people who thought I was being ridiculous and should get on with it are in similar situations and think its fine to live like this

How else should I respond? He was an arse, I am angry and upset with him when I think about it, what else should I be? I dont want to accept it, if I accept behaviour like that I will end up being walked over for the rest of my life and I have no intentions of letting that happen. The anger is a reminder we are not right together, if I lose it I will lose part of myself, the part that doesnt think its ok for people to treat you with no respect. As I said if he accepted he was wrong and was sorry it would be ok but he doesnt and wont, so given the chance he will behave like that again. I think its only the fact I was and am so angry that stops him doing anything else like that

I know you say you can't imagine that counselling could help, but why not try it? YOu have nothing to lose, surely?

No one on this thread thinks you should put up with a relationship that makes you unhappy. Not one person. You read the thread and find a post that says you should.

Cham I really do understand it took my dh a few years to understand, accept and genuinely apologise for a some his attitudes about us getting married etc. Fortunately he got to that point and it really helped over time he is becoming my soulmate.

Counselling won't do any harm but it might help you come to terms better with the choices you have made and in fact give you the courage to perhaps issue the ultimate of either learning to talk and "be real" with you or accept that your relationship is a working partership with lots of substance missing.

It does sound like a very one way relationship and that must reall hurt, I'm not sure how long I could stay in that relationship.