Can you get divorced without splitting up?

[chamaeleon]

Wierd I know and long story. I have no intentions of splitting up with dh but I feel getting married was a mistake and its eating away at me and Im angry about it so much. I feel our relationship would really benefit from me not being so obsessed with this and a divorce might do that. There is no abandonment, unreasonable behaviour, adultery etc, no reason to split up which is what most divorces are based on. We wouldnt have to split assets or kids or anything as we would stay together. Can it be done? Dont tell me to talk to him because he wont communicate about the issue of marriage at all.

Pretty much same thing then Marla, except I felt I had to so did. I didnt mean the vows, we chose as few words as possible for the ceremony so I managed to get in nothing but the legal requirements and nothing much was said at all to agree with or not. Daftpunk you have completely the wrong end of the stick

chamaeleon...does your dh know how you feel, that you are considering divorce?

I suggested annulment immediately after the wedding but divorce is a new idea which I have not mentioned. I suspect annulment is even less likely now!

would an annulment make more sense then in your situation??

not sure how they work TBH, but am wondering if that would be the route to look down....

It already is a big deal. I am in a relationship and thats fine, but I shouldnt be married. At som point I want to be and that day can never come if eomthing doeant change. I can never commit to him properly. I wouldnt have to explain anythin to anyone, who needs to know? We dont wear our rings anyway, anytime I have tried every time I look at it it kills me.

Chameleon - dh and i are trying to split up amicably, so staying togather in the same house but not being a 'couple'. I dont want to be married any more, and I thought this would be the best way of settling everyone, I get to be 'me', he gets to see the dc and live in our lovely house, dc get to see both of us every day as normal.

But it's not easy. He still feels I should explain myself if I get a text message, still has feelings for me.

The legal aspect is the last viewpoint really.

i am struggling to understand.
you want to be married at some point - but not to him? or you think that it might be to him but you don't know?

I sort of get your point (or think I do), relationships change when vows are exfchanged, someway, for better or worse, they feel different. I was always a bit nostalgic about our "partnership" after marriage but to be honest... you need to get counseling to get the relationship to be what it was, not a divorce.

Yes, it's a mockery of the legal system. No it wouldn't be easy to divorce (we are through the process after thinking it through for 3 years and still had to make up/exagerate problems in order for us to have grounds for it).

Believe me, getting married is easy, getting divorced is a nightmare no matter how good the terms between you are. And is also quite expensive.

You say that your DH doesn't want to talk about it, but that he thinks the same as you... how can be sure of that? what if he is not happy about having getting married either but didn't like your aproach?

I dont think it could be annulled because we live as a married couple should. Every thing is right except that it was a lie at the time and so will always be a lie. Surely you know when you should get married and commit to someone forever?

just because something was a lie at some point does not make it a lie forever.

"forever" is just a word.

I don't get this at all. Have read thread three times in increasing bemusment.

Are you saying that you think there are problems in your relationship that are caused by the fact that you are married? That weren't there before?

Or you don't want to be with him anymore but want to keep him around in a platonic co-parenting relationship?

If so I would suggest counselling to work through whatever your issues are about "matrimony" and why this is a problem for you. If your husband is all talked out would suggest Relate by yourself to start with.

You are not going to be able to get an annulment after living together for 2.5 years. Annulment is only possible where the marriage has not been consummated or is found to have been contracted by fraud (a cousin of my mother's had her marriage annulled when she found out her husband was gay. That was only a couple of months after the wedding -and it hadn't been consummated either).

This is why I said its easier to understand if you see the point of marriage. I dont have issues with him or marriage, I have issues with the fact that we didnt want to get married. I felt I had to and pressured him into it. I dont think he cares about marriage at all but he doesnt want to split up, neither do I. But the point of marriage is to commit yourself to another person isnt it? Well we didnt. I would like something symbolic when we do that - marriage is that thing but as we have done it we have used up our go. If I cant explain it to a bunch of strangers I can never explain it to my family who thought everything was fine so I cant do it again. Who knows if I will want to be married to him. He is the likely choice. But I am getting so eaten up by the fact he doesnt give a toss about something that is so important to me that I cant see it being him if it carries on. I dont want to split up so I want to eliminate the problem, which is the fact we are married. The legal aspect is all we have atm. I want more than that for my life.

Why did you get married when you did then?

And how do you know he doesn't care about marriage. He married you (you think under durress, actually most men often need a kick up the arse in this respect). He's still there.

I don't think from what you've said that the problem is that you are married. It's that you think he doesn't really want to be married to you because the circumstances in which you married were not as romantic as you would have liked, and you want him to prove he does. He probably thinks he is proving it every day, by being there.

I want to be single til I am ready to get married and commit. He is not all talked out, he doesnt talk about anything, ever. Yes there are problems caused by the fact that we are married, but dh chooses to ignore this so he has no additional problems. Its a shell, a lie. It started out a lie and will always be a lie. How can it possibly be anything else? Marla is right, forever and marriage are both enormous words.

Not that I am removing the importance of the word. When I married and during the first years of my marriage, I thought it was Forever.

However, we all change, circumstances change, relationships change. Nothing stays the same forever, and at some point, some of us have to reconsider the position and realise that forever is becoming a promise that causes more damage than benefit.

I have relatives that are very religious and breaking a sacrament (forever) is a no no, you can not imagine the miserable life some of them have lived: Domestic violence, no respect, their children getting a horrible time and roles that they are now repeating into their own new families. I believe in staying forever, providing the circumstances don't change beyond what could be accepted as a dignified existence.

I think you have an issue with it that can be resolved without getting divorced. I was terrified when I married DH last year after 7 years & 3 dc together. The main reason why I wanted to get married is because of my Christian faith and have a sexual relationship outside of marriage was getting in the way of a better relationship with God.

If I could turn back the clock 8 years or so then I wouldn't just dh for a few reasons. It was no joke that I made my friends promise make me go through with the wedding! I will always feel a bit "cheated" because this isn't the marriage I dreamed of, with someone with the same beliefs as me bringing up our children with the same outlook on life.

Earlier this year I decided to commit to this marriage 110% and my attitude has changed and I am so much happier, our marriage is stronger.

Life is too short to waste time regretting decisions made IMO?

I wanted to get married because I thought something awful was going to happen with my pregnancy and I knew everything would be easier to sort out after my death if we were married. As I changed my mind about the birth at the last minute it didnt happen but if my original birth plan had gone ahead (the one I had when I got married) it was a likely outcome. If you want to do something you do not have to be pesteres and nagged for months. Believe me, neither of us wanted to do it.We are both here every day. It doesnt make it right. Its not about romance, I never wanted a big wedding. I want to know we have done it properly and both wanted to do it

I'm sorry to say this, but why did you have a family with this man if you weren't ready to get married and commit? I don't get this at all.

You say you want to be single? You just said you wanted to remain in a relationship with him if you divorced. Do you actually know what you want? It doesn't sound like it and I don't mean that unkindly. That's why I think relate by yourself is a good idea.

The kids are the big commitment in all this. You can marry someone (or not) split, and without kids in the mix never see them again. If you have kids, whether they are involved or not, there is always a link.