Another row only this time he's hit my face

[FrettingAgain]

I'm in pieces and a regular so please be gentle with me

We had a nasty row a few days ago, and he left he house and didn't come home until the early hours, leaving me in bits wondering where the hell he'd gone to. Didn't answer his mobile either.

Well it's all blown up again this morning, same row, except i've ended up having my face slapped. I don't know what the hell to do now, he's walked out again

Yes, please let us know when she gets there.
Agree with CF that you need to consider your safety longer term tomorrow.

They are ten minutes away so soon, she was throwing clothes on. Same row, i always seem to say the wrong thing and he blew pushing me across the lounge i fell backwards he kicked me in the side when i tried to get up. I'll be alright once she's here honest. I'm very shaken at the moment

It's not you "always saying the wrong thing". Its him. Please don't blame yourself. He needs help.

fa, that is awful. poor you. do you have marks / bruises? could he have broken a rib or anything? please get medical help if you are worried.

he has crossed a line pushing and kicking you. his reasons / feelings are neither here nor there when his behaviour is so completely unacceptable.

forgive me if you think this insensitive but he sounds almost like an angry out of control child testing the boundaries of his strength and your unconditional love. i say that guessing that i know your backstory from other threads and i may be wrong of course. my feeling is that if you dont draw the line and impose some limits on this behaviour it wont stop. the involvement of "authority" in the shape of the police may get him the help he needs.

hope i havent said anything to make things even worse.... hope you are ok. is your sil there yet?

I am tender, probably bruised but thats all i think. Yes i know i forgive him everytime because i love himHe is angry, mostly at me and the world
She should be here in a few minutes i hope. I will let you know

I understand that he's angry, but you need to protect yourself, for his sake as well as yours. Please make sure you tell SIL how serious this is.

She's here and will stay if i need her to
Thankyou i'll be ok now.

Great. Please ask her to stay.
I hope you get some sleep. And do think about how you're going to protect yourself longer term tomorrow. This isn't an acceptable situation, whatever you've been through. It sounds really dangerous. Mumsnet will give you plenty of support and advice.

your love for him isnt stopping his violence though is it, or stopping him behaving so self destructtively..... i do think your situation needs some outside intervention for both your sakes. he doesnt seem able to help himself or you, so it will have to be you that seeks help....

this is not your fault in any way.... but it has to stop before you are seriously (even more seriously) hurt.

am v worried for you fa.

Make sure she stays. You do need her to.
I can't believe he kicked you

yes please dont be on your own and vulnerable. you could show her this thread if she needs to understand more and you cant face telling her about it all....

let us know how you are tomorrow?

night now.

I have told you my love, you need to remember one number and that is 999!!!

I cant write my feelings down because I cant control my feelings. If you want to be unhappy forever keep forgiving - if you want to be truly content then get in touch with the mental health unit of your nearest hospital and DEMAND help.

This is wrong, in every way. I have lived through this shit and I will NEVER, EVER, EVER live through it again.

Oh no. This has got to stop.
I think I know who you are and my heart goes to you both.
I think we can all agree he is also in a very bad place but this is not an acceptable way to grieve.
You must not allow him. You must not think this is because you "push all the wrong buttons".

I really think he should get out of the house. Am glad you have the support of your SIL and BIL. Can they talk some sense into him. Can he stay with them for a while.
They should make it very clear to him that this is not on.

I think you are both so raw at the moment. You need distance because you can not communicate as it is.
Then of course you will need counseling.

Just go for the safe option now.

sending you much love.

This is NOT YOUR FAULT. His behaviour is UNACCEPTABLE. I get the impression you may have been carrying him and indulging him for a long time, or at least putting his needs and feelings above your own, even before your terrible loss. You sound like a very loving, generous person but you need to remember that you matter, that there is more to your life than prioritizing his feelings.
You poor poor girl. I do hope you can get lots of help, and counselling as and when you need it. It's good that your in-laws are looking after you: maybe everyone together can get your DH helped as well, but that help mustn't take the form of expecting you to 'manage' his violent behaviour, he has to address his violence and stop assaulting you - or stay out of the house.

I hope you are OK, you did the right thing by calling her.
Your DH is on a downward spiral, and by telling people who know what is happening they can hopefully help.
I have seen this before, when things go badly in my DH's life he basically tries to throw everything else away too.
Your DH probably feels disgusted with himself, and I think controlfreeeeeky is right - he is testing your unconditional love. I think you need to show him how unacceptable this is. Move out.
It doesn't have to be final but you can't justify the physical abuse anymore, sweetheart. He needs to know this cant ever happen again.
He needs to get help but HE needs to do it.
I think you need to move away from him (emotionally and physically)and he needs to do some serious work, and when he is ready he can come to you. And then see how you feel about him.
You cant allow yourself to be around him now as this is escalating so quickly.
You are under such huge stress and I am so sorry you can't rely on him to help you right now.
Take care

in the morning call GP and tell them what's happened- you will make this worse by protecting him... he will get the help he needs quicker if you're honest. GP will give you advise about mental health provisions.

has he ever been aggressive with you before your loss?

Morning frettingagain

I hope you are lurking even if not posting.

Hope you are ok after the other night.

Have you been able to get him to the GPs yet? Did your GP speak to you about any local grief couselling services?
x

OMG fretting, I have just seen the posts from last night.

What can I say ?

You are making excuses for his behaviour.

I know you love him, but do you treat him like that ?

He pushed you over and kicked you in the side to prevent you from getting up - the behaviour of a thug and a bully, it is not because you said the wrong thing at all.

You may have a broken rib FFS !!!

HE IS OUT OF CONTROL - DO NOT LET THIS CONTINUE, HE WILL CONTINUE TO DO IT, YOU WILL CONTINUE TO MAKE EXCUSES AND MONTHS FROM NOW YOU'LL BE POSTING ON HERE WITH A BROKEN NOSE, LIMBS OR UNABLE TO POST AS YOU WILL BE IN INTENSIVE CARE OR IN A WOODEN BOX IN THE GROUND.

This IS systematic abuse, it will continue unless you do something to help yourself.

Seek professional help NOW, do not wait.

I am not being a drama Queen - this is what happens, it's not your fault, none of it is.

He will crawl back, say he's sorry, he may even tell you it's your fault for saying what you did. Even if what you did say was out of order, he chose to respond with physical violence, you did not ask to be pushed and kicked. He will certainly tell you it wont happen again !

How much more will he have to do to you for you to see it is WRONG WRONG WRONG.

Shabs is right, it breaks my heart to know some of what she has been through - she deserved so much better and so do you. If you had called 999, do you seriously think the Police Officer would have agreed with you, that you said the wrong thing and you deserved that ? The answer is no, but deep down you know that dont you ?

Please get help Fretting, we can't all be wrong, can we ?

I know you love him and you are going through hell at the moment but nothing, NOTHING, excuses his behaviour !!!

Hope you are ok this morning FA. I know you love him and he is your soulmate, but you cannot carry on like this. Please try to persuade him to get help, perhaps through his family?
I appreciate things are terrible for you now but please just post to let us know you are ok x

Thinking of you this morning FA (as am sure are many others). How are you?

So sorry to see these new posts from FA.

Nothing to add other than what everyone else has already said.....

I know deep down you're right but he's in such pain, i don't know what to do i really don't. And how is this to do with mental health when it's about his anger? Can anyone explain.
My brother in laws got him and i've packed some stuff for him
I can't belive this is happening, and no he was never like this before.

At least you know he is in safe hands?
So sorry for you, please be strong and focus on looking after yourself
x

I reckon that bereavement causes severe mental health problems. Eventually we can come to terms with the fact that we feel so poorly in our minds and hearts. Making minor decisions used to make me exhausted.

My H had been taught to cope with sadness by running away from it - but not before he had hit out at me. I had been taught that you have to stand up and sort it out when things go very wrong.

Your husbands anger and lashing out is a direct reaction to his mental health problems. He will keep doing it until he talks through his grief and will also eventually make you think that it is all your fault and you know how to 'wind him up.'

Because he couldnt prevent what happened to both of you his mind is now going into 'control' overdrive. The mental health unit at your local hospital will be able to advise you and are not going to put him into a padded cell with a straight jacket on - they are dedicated medical staff who see this kind of thing day in and day out.

If we fall and break a limb we go to the hospital and they fix it - both of your hearts have been broken in two and the only way to fix them is with time and the help of counsellors.

His pain doesn't give him the right to beat you up, and certainly not to beat you up repeatedly. If he was beating up random strangers in the street for 'saying the wrong thing', his pain and grief would not be regarded as an excuse to the extent that he would be permitted to go on doing it. He would be arrested and might even go to prison if the beating was severe. A judge would probably talk about 'mitigating circumstances' and the bereaved often do feel extreme rage, but that still doesn't mean they should be indulged to the extent that they can use other people as punchbags.