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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Another row only this time he's hit my face

240 replies

FrettingAgain · 19/10/2008 11:26

I'm in pieces and a regular so please be gentle with me

We had a nasty row a few days ago, and he left he house and didn't come home until the early hours, leaving me in bits wondering where the hell he'd gone to. Didn't answer his mobile either.

Well it's all blown up again this morning, same row, except i've ended up having my face slapped. I don't know what the hell to do now, he's walked out again

OP posts:
mabanana · 19/10/2008 13:49

I'm sure it is very hard, whoever you are. But you can't do nothing. A slap followed by a visit to the pub is really bad. I am sorry you are going through this.

mylittlescarypumpkin · 19/10/2008 13:56

I'm sure it's hard. And there is a lot to think about. But you and the children NEED to get out. Contact Womens' Aid as below and do it now. If you have friends or family - they will do as well. Please find the courage to do this.

Tortington · 19/10/2008 13:56

if you are going to stay you must put conditions - the conditons must be adhered to or else youmust end the relationship
the conditions are that he foes to anfer management and that you also go to relate.

and he has to sort these things outwithin a week

do not put contitions that you cannot keep to - or else you will remain looking like a spineless chump

SylvieSprings · 19/10/2008 14:00

FA - physical violence is totally unacceptable and inexcusable. You must be clear about this and so should your DH.

What are you plans of action when he returns?

Meanwhile, why not pick up the phone and speak to someone on the domestic violence free phone helpline: 0808 2000247 ?

It is your choice to stay anonymous or to take up any advice.

ScaryHalloweenSquonkRAAR · 19/10/2008 14:00

oh FrettingAgain, what a horrible situation for you!

I won't say "you poor thing" because I don't want you to think you are a victim or that you did anything to deserve this.

He has a problem, which he needs to work on. In the meantime, I would seriously consider either leaving (if that is an option for you) or asking him to go.

If you are frightened of him being violent towards you if you do ask him to leave, you can ask for the police to come round and sit with you whilst he packs a bag and goes somewhere else.

His behaviour is totally unacceptable and you must let him know this, otherwise he will do it again.

Is there someone who can come and sit with you when he gets home from the pub... I am quite concerned about how much he will be drinking whilst he is "cooling off" and what state of mind he will be in when he gets home.

You are strong and sensible and you know what the right thing to do is.

xx

solidgoldskullonastick · 19/10/2008 14:00

Talk to Women's Aid and be prepared, if he comes back drunk, not to let him in the house. Because he may well be getting drunk in preparation for giving you a bad beating which he can blame on the alcohol ('SHe wound me up and I was drunk, I didn't mean to kick her down the stairs and stab her').
If he does come back and become violent which TBH is very likely indeed, call the police who will remove him from the house.

Original poster
FrettingAgain · 19/10/2008 14:00

He's not normally an angry person though hellmouthcusty, we're just in a difficult place right now.

OP posts:
lulumama · 19/10/2008 14:03

regardless of how difficult things are, he has crossed a line. he has struck you

lots of people are really stressed at the moment, don;t know your particular situation, but regardless of what is going on, he hit you in the face and then went to the pub

Sobernow · 19/10/2008 14:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
FrettingAgain · 19/10/2008 14:06

But he went off to cool off, i'm not defending what he's done but he's not usually like this
I don't know where to go from here, and now i'm getting worried about how much he may have drunk after reading what people have said. Although, i've never known him to be a rowdy drunk before.

OP posts:
beanieb · 19/10/2008 14:06

You should leave just for today/tonight if you can. Is there really nowhere you can go? If it was me I would leave and turn my phone off. If he wants cooling off time then bloody well give it to him. Then when you do turn your phone back on (tomorrow perhaps) if he calls you, you need to tell him that you are not automatically coming back because he has crossed the line by hitting you and you have to think very seriously about what you are going to do. Because you DO have to think very seriously about what you are going to do.

beanieb · 19/10/2008 14:10

Sorry - I have to add and I don't want to sound harsh .... but....

What do you want to do? As far as I see it there are three options

  1. leave for good because any kind of physical violence is unacceptable
  1. Stay but be absolutely clear that this is something you need to talk about, possibly with counselling, and that you are prepared to accept it was a one off in the middle of a heated argument but it will take time to trust him not to be violent and that he needs to prove that he will not be violent agaon
  1. Stay, pretend it didn't happen, don't have any kind of discussion and hope for the best.

As far as I can see option 3 is rediculous so you need to decide which of the other two you want to follow.

Only you know him, only you know if this is a one off or if he has shown previous violent behaviour.

beanieb · 19/10/2008 14:13

Do you have children?

Original poster
FrettingAgain · 19/10/2008 14:22

He is sorry though, he texted me to say so not so long ago. Beanieb that's a difficult question

OP posts:
Parsleypants · 19/10/2008 14:26

Are you not saying who you are bec he might read it?

beanieb · 19/10/2008 14:30

He is sorry. Has he ever done it before?
Do you think he will do it again?

I think the worst thing you could do is accept him back without laying down rules and explaining to him that this needs to be talked about, discussed, possibly in counselling etc. To just let him waltz back in with a sorry and no proper discussion would be really wrong.

AbbeyA · 19/10/2008 14:30

Being in a difficult place is no excuse! It doesn't matter what the circumstances were you cannot assault someone.
If you love him and don't want to leave him you have to take it very,very seriously, make him get help with anger management. Don't just accept that he is sorry and won't do it again. If someone hit me I wouldn't give them a second chance. If you are giving him a second chance make sure that he understands it is the final one and nothing will be a good enough excuse for doing it again.

Original poster
FrettingAgain · 19/10/2008 14:30

No, it's because i'm ashamed and don't want this turning into pity about other things

OP posts:
dittany · 19/10/2008 14:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SylvieSprings · 19/10/2008 14:31

Why difficult, FA?

Did you not say in another posting that you have no children and that was the reason for the previous row?

Parsleypants · 19/10/2008 14:32

Sorry if I'm being massively out of turn here. Did you have an argument with dh a couple of months back about who was to pay for the contents of a shopping basket?

batters · 19/10/2008 14:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
FrettingAgain · 19/10/2008 14:32

Yes sylviesprings thats right, still a difficult question though. Sorry, it's just a raw subject

OP posts:
Original poster
FrettingAgain · 19/10/2008 14:33

Parsleypants no that wasn't me

OP posts:
BBBee · 19/10/2008 14:36

I appreciate that you might be in a difficult place at the moment but be careful not to allow yourself to excuse this behaviour. There is not situation or person that could justify it. He hit you and it is very very wrong.

Best wishes to you.

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