Another row only this time he's hit my face

[FrettingAgain]

I'm in pieces and a regular so please be gentle with me

We had a nasty row a few days ago, and he left he house and didn't come home until the early hours, leaving me in bits wondering where the hell he'd gone to. Didn't answer his mobile either.

Well it's all blown up again this morning, same row, except i've ended up having my face slapped. I don't know what the hell to do now, he's walked out again

when disagreements like thses happen, the best thing to do is to leave him alone. Men do need to have their own time, to be alone, or with his friendsa, at least not with his woman, otherqwise they get claustrophobic.
The best advice from my side would be to leave it as it is now, behave like nothing happened, and talk it over in a week or so, when you see he is emotionally available to you. No point to try to explain things to him when he is not reday to listen. relationships are hard work and requirs patience and faith in other person that they can change. I know it sounds a cliche but I have read years ago very good book , that probably everyone know about- Men are from mars, women are from venus. The author really nicely explains the power of letters. And I cannot agree more. Sometimes when you are upste you have to communicate it with your partner immediately, because it hurts , his behavior hurt you. And does not matter that you yourself know it is better to wait to talk to him when he cools off. you just can't wait! So writing a letter gives you a chance to explain it to him in a calm manner, always starting from a positive points about him, bla bla bla, it is explained perfectly in the book, then explaining how you felt without blaiming him , and finishing off nicely as well, that you love him and bla bla bla. That gives him possibility to read it without seeing your face and reacting to your words before you even had a chance to finish. Otherwise if you do it face to face, he will be very emotional
and won't listen. You can talk to him till cows come home, he will storm off again. Get that book, it saved me lots of sleepless nights
good luck

FA, I'm so sorry you are still having problems communicating when you so desperately need him to talk to you. Like has been said before, men and women deal with things differently but sadly this doesn't help you much. I know you will not want to contact your friends/family in the early hours or late at night but I think they would be really sad to know that you feel you can't contact them and they would want you to. Please seek help from them. I know it must feel like you are treading on eggshells around your DH at the moment but you both need to deal with these very early days in your own ways. Please talk to a close friend, they will want to be there for you. I would. Good luck x

Hope things have calmed down this morning FA?

I think some intervention from someone outwith your relationship is needed here, someone you can talk with about persuading him to get some counselling... also for you if you think it would be beneficial.

He needs an outlet, somewhere to focus his emotions and without an external influence helping you steer him towards receiving help, I would fear for your relationship.

Is there anyone you can recruit? Would he go if it was organised for him? It is quite easy to find a counsellor quickly if you can afford to go private. I had a major crisis last year and it only took a matter of days to find a good counsellor to help me focus my thoughts.

Frettingagain I think unfortunately you may have to turn elsewhere for some support, there might not be a right time for you to talk to your DH even though you need him. I'm afraid for a while this may be a lonely road to tread.

My DH has snapped at me sometimes as I have got lower and lower in my misery. He can not cope with his own grief whilst watching mine as well. It is truly awful watching someone elses grief and wanting to take it away but also having your own to contend with.

My DH needed to get back to work to get some normality back in his life. Albeit a different one from the one he and I wanted. It helped him, it helped me to be a snivelling wreck whilst he was out the house but put a brave face on when he was around. Over time we learnt to overlap our coping mechanisms, he can now support me when I am having a moment and I can support his "time out" This has taken time to get here.

Unfortunately for men it seems getting back to "normal" ie work and routine is part of their healing process whereas for us women me it seems getting back to "normal" feels like we have moved on and forgotten about our loved one and that is soooooo not the case.

There is no way my DH would see a counsellor it is not his thing however much I or he would feel it would help. I on the other hand have seen a counsellor after my father died suddeny a few years ago. It helped me to talk to someone outside the family and get my head round some things but I know it is not for all.

I think your GP has been helpful, can you ask for a referral for counselling?

I think normal rules do not apply here in this situation and all of those "leave now" have to walk a mile in our and our DHs shoes before they get a full comprehension of the situation. I don't think he will do it again, I think he has probably shocked himself and has lashed out as he is hurting.

Do not get me wrong I do not condone physical violence but I do think there are extenuating circumstances here. If this was just a slap then take note, be aware and if it happens again or escalates in any way, get yourslef armed with some cash and a change of clothes so if it happens again you can get to a safe place with some resources to assess the situation in safety. I do feel though that this will not happen again.

If you had a happy relationship before your recent troubles I would say you can work this out together, possibly in different ways but you can get there. DH and I have been on the brink of divorce a few times since our loss and we have been at the depths of such horrible despair and misery and both of us have felt loneliness even whilst together. We have come through this stronger and are now even thinking of having another child.

I appreciate having DCs to carry on for has really helped me and I think this may not be something you have and this makes it all seem so much worse. But give yourself time, you will get there.

I am thinking of you and your DH and send much love CM

Hi FA - good to hear from you though sorry under such circumstances.

Rani's idea of writing a letter to your DH sounds good. It allows you the opportunity to organise your thoughts and for your DH to read and think things through before he responds to you when he is ready.

Can you think of any one in your family or a close friend that your husband would listen to? It may help to have an objective 3rd person present when you talk things through.

Perhaps you could mention in your letter that you would like him to attend counselling with you, for help and support during this difficult time. And ask him to suggest of an alternative or of someone that he would like to be present when you both talk things through.

Meanwhile, please feel free to come back and share, there will always be someone here for you.

Be praying for you. xx

Lastnight went terribly wrong and he's now staying with his brother for a few days. I've had a god awful day with no clue where we go from here, and everything is falling apart around my ears. We just cannot communicate

Fretting I can't think what to say but I wish you had someone with you to hold you and listen to you. I am thinking of you. Apart from dh, who have you spoken to? Have you been able to talk to anyone who is totally apart from your situation? Is that possible for you at all?

Look after yourself for now, FA. Can you see your GP or some of the organisations which specialize in what you're going through, to talk to someone.

You've been left in limbo, I know, but perhaps DH is doing the only thing he can at the moment.
It seems he isn't ready to talk, but you are.
Outside organisations can help you until DH is ready.

I am so sorry. It's all very raw at the moment for both of you.
The only advice I can give is to look after yourself and give it time
xx

Everyone around me is 'involved' in one way or another, or making themselves involved. My wonderful sister-in-law has been with me this afternoon, and she turned up shortly after my folks left, so this is the first time i've actually been properly and physically alone all day. Although even with people around i still feel very alone in a way i can't really describe. My GP doesn't open over the weekends, so getting any help there is out until next week aswell. He tried to lash out again but fortunately i moved. My sister-in-law has said she'll do what she can to get through to him, or hope he'll open up to his brother.
I was offered to go back with my folks but i feel like i need to be here. Another thing i can't explain

I can completely understand why you feel the need to stay in your house. Could your parents come and stay with you for a bit ?

The fact he has tried to lash out again is showing he is out of control and being apart at the moment is the right thing for you both.

Try not to let too many people have their say as you are so vulnerable at the moment and they may be encouraging you to make the wrong decision for you both.

Get to your GP on Monday and try to get some help in the meantime, maybe the Samaritans can be of some help to you ?

I'm sure I feel the same as many of us on here in that we would love to be able to wrap our arms around you and try to help. Have you a good friend who could do that job ? You need looking after and please dont sit on your own all weekend.

Men and women deal with things very differently. From some of the posts here I am guessing you have lost a child - if that's so then my heart goes out to you.

There was an excellent article I read a few weeks ago about a charity called The Child Bereavement Trust - it's run by a lady called Jenni Thomas who is a counsellor. Jenni finds that lots of couples have problems because each person grieves so differently. There was a good interview with a woman who said she wanted so much to talk to her husband after the loss of their child but had to accept that trying to do so was driving them apart because he just could not cope with this at all. It sounded dreadful because she was doing her grieving in the car before and after work in order to not stress out her husband who was dealing with the grief in a very different way.

Will try to find the article and link to it if I can.

Link is here. All about how men and women grieve.

My post in the early hours of this morning was written in anger. BUT please DO NOT put up with physical or mental violence. DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES PUT UP WITH IT.

If he is allowed to get away with it and you forgive him it will happen again.

I remember treading on eggshells around my H and trying not to upset him. Only now, many years later, do I think 'I carried my sons, I gave birth to them, I nurtured and loved them, I crawled under the lorry to be with my son, I tried to give my baby the kiss of life. I DID do you notice it doesnt say WE DID. I didn't get the chance to grieve for my boys - I was too busy propping everyone else up and trying not to upset my H.

I hit back about 5 years ago. I hit him so hard that I thought I had killed him. I hate violence but he made the dreaded mistake of trying to hurt my DS1 (he was 16 at the time) funny isin't it that he hasn't hit me since.

Its better that he is away from your home. You must go to see your GP asap. Dont be a victim please.

Shabs is right

It gets worse. It's so true what they say. It will happen again, maybe not for six months, but then it'll be every five months, then every four, and so on until it's once a week and you're permanently walking on eggshells around a mad bully and by then too powerless, depressed and insecure to leave.

I did leave btw. Eventually. The only thing I wished was that I'd done it sooner.

JollyPirate, i'll try and read that later. Shabster it's easier said than done when you love someone, and i do love him. He means everything to me,and he needs help, we both need help. He was my childhood sweetheart, and i can't throw that away and i know this isn't right but i need us to be together, we're meant to be together. What's happened has brought out a side to him that he's out of control with, i know that and i'm in no way excusing his actions but we're both hurting

FrettingAgain- After alot of thought, it occurred to me that your DH may be suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder... certainly the violent outbursts are in line with the symptoms. Here's a link

www.nhsdirect.nhs.uk/articles/article.aspx?articleId=293&sectionId=10

Blinks, looking at that, he ticks alot of boxes. I should have thought about that possibility, and instead i've sent him away for something he can't help . Somehow i need to broach seeing our GP now for more advice.

My husband called earlier and i didn't pick up. I actually don't know how to deal with this now in terms of us communicating or not for the next few days. If i do, doesn't it just make the purpose of us having some timeout pointless, or could it do more damage not to. To be honest, i don't know if i'm coming or going tonight.

Don't feel guilty. It is a real possibility that he may be suffering from PTSD but the fact is he's not able to control his anger and is directing it at you. You have done the right thing for you AND him.
Try to focus on yourself as much as possible until you can regroup and speak to your GP on Monday. I'm glad you have lots of support.
Do rainbows mean something to you? Are you who I think you are? xxx

Yes they do

could you speak to him and ask him to keep a journal of his thoughts and set a date to speak/see each other again... you could do the same thing and swap journals.
i think until he sees a GP, you should have someone else around initially.

rainbows have been very important to me too in the past few days so i'm taking that as a sign... i'm not normally airy fairy.

I'm hoping he will have done some thinking over the weekend, and some talking, to his brother. There's no talking to him at present, let alone from me his wife , so the chances of him agreeing to do a journal are pretty slim. But he called me and i didn't pick up, but he didn't leave a message either. Now i'm feeling bad incase it was simply to say goodnight

i hear what you're saying... you're in an impossible situation.