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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Another row only this time he's hit my face

240 replies

FrettingAgain · 19/10/2008 11:26

I'm in pieces and a regular so please be gentle with me

We had a nasty row a few days ago, and he left he house and didn't come home until the early hours, leaving me in bits wondering where the hell he'd gone to. Didn't answer his mobile either.

Well it's all blown up again this morning, same row, except i've ended up having my face slapped. I don't know what the hell to do now, he's walked out again

OP posts:
Original poster
FrettingAgain · 25/10/2008 21:53

Two questions would answer it, but i'll email you tomorrow to save you any embarrassment!
Thankyou you're very sweet, but if you could see the tears you wouldn't think so.

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VaginaShmergina · 25/10/2008 21:57

Only two questions

And to save ME embarrassment........oh dear lord, what have I done

I look forwards to your email so I can either deny or prove your theory !!!

Take care. x

Original poster
FrettingAgain · 25/10/2008 22:03

Well the two questions would be how old you are and where you went to school, just so you don't spend time worrying. But like i said i'll email you tomorrow, so don't fret. If my theory is right, i think i may already know you. Scary isn't it, but it was your email address that did it. Or maybe i'm just worn out and hoping to meet an old friend

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VaginaShmergina · 25/10/2008 22:05

Old friend, new friend...... who knows ?

40 and Alton....... eeek

charleymouse · 25/10/2008 23:38

Thank-you VS for giving FA a shove.

You are so not imposing. On the thread we are at different stages of grieving and at different stages of our lives but we all have days when it is so raw the pain is almost physical. It does bring it back to you when you see someone at an earlier stage than you but you also help us realise how far we have come and how we have helped each other and can help each other. It reminds us of our sadness but it brings us me comfort if we can help someone stumbling along this road and offer a hand up or a shoulder to cry on.

I have to say I chatted to the mums on the thread via other threads to start with. When Eris bereaved mummies thread started I didn't post initially and then felt I shouldn't push in so only joined in on the current thread.

I have felt nothing but welcomed and given support on the thread and I feel you can dip in and out both when you need support and when you can offer it. I wished I had joined earlier.

I can understand you do not want to join the club, none of us do/did but when you are ready someone will be there to welcome you and help you along.

God bless. Night night love CM

Original poster
FrettingAgain · 26/10/2008 15:05

He's coming home tonight and i've got to admit to feeling relieved and very nervous aswell. Hopefully we'll be able to talk tonight, but if not then i'm not going to force him. I have really missed him though, he's my soulmate

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mumoverseas · 26/10/2008 15:16

I hope I'm not speaking out of turn FA but please tell him this. Tell him you have missed him and he is your soulmate. Its a wonderful start to you both communicating again. Good luck to you both xxx

SylvieSprings · 26/10/2008 15:49

How about putting your thoughts and feelings to paper including how you've missed him and he is your soulmate? It'll give you the opportunity to organise your thoughts and choose your words wisely.

You could use it as prepared speech or let him read what you've written.

Don't be surprised if he may be so touched by it that he would want to express his feelings as well?

Original poster
FrettingAgain · 26/10/2008 16:09

I did actually put an email together to send him over the weekend, but i chickened out so it's still in my drafts. I'll print it off and see where we go from there i think. If he even opened up a little then it's a start. He has real control issues when it comes to emotions, and to be honest i blame his dad. It seems like he was brought up on the good old crying is for wimps rubbish, so opening up is something he finds really difficult. Initially he was all over the place, but as the weeks have gone on he's become more and more withdrawn from me emotionally.

I'm very much needing to do lots of talking and crying right now, so we're really not even in the same book let alone the same page

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LoveBeingAMummy · 26/10/2008 16:17

FA - not sure there's anything new I can add, your in my thoughts and I hope you can be there for each other and work throuhg it.

BoffinMum · 26/10/2008 16:21

Just seen this thread. This happened to me with xh, I left with dd in arms, best thing I ever did. Be strong, there are plenty of people out there to help you. Nobody should live in fear.

shabster · 26/10/2008 16:38

Well said Boffin -

Original poster
FrettingAgain · 26/10/2008 18:26

BoffinMum we're in this mess because there are no children anymore, if there were then we wouldn't be, of that i'm sure. And i have to salvage what i can here so we can help eachother, but thankyou and i do understand.

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Original poster
FrettingAgain · 26/10/2008 23:12

He's opened up a bit to me tonight, and it's mostly about his feelings of guilt and anger towards me because i was the one of us to see our daughter last and he wasn't here
I feel like shit now

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shabster · 26/10/2008 23:22

He's angry with you?????????? He's angry with you - FFS - what happened to your baby is nobodys fault - its one of those bloody awful things that happen - nobodys fault. I have to stop posting on here because it is like re-living my life 26 years ago and 16 years ago. It is making me more and more mad.

IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT - UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES IS IT YOUR FAULT!!

shabster · 26/10/2008 23:23

and there is no reason, on Gods earth, why he should be angry with you

Original poster
FrettingAgain · 26/10/2008 23:35

Shabster i'm sorry

He's angry because he wasn't here which is being directed at me, because i was. Now what? I haven't got a clue where i go from here now. Is he going to always be angry at me, for the rest of our married life. Because if that's the case then maybe i should go
My little girl doesn't deserve this from mummy and daddy

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shabster · 26/10/2008 23:42

Dont be sorry - I think you should tell him what I always tell my husband. TOGETHER WE CAN GET THROUGH EVERYTHING, APART WE ARE USELESS.

mumoverseas · 27/10/2008 05:54

He is not angry at you FA, he is angry at himself. Like Shabster said, you have done nothing wrong, it was just one of those terrible terrible things that happens that people still can't really understand why. I have no personal experience of this myself but a friend of mine lost his son aged 5 in a tragic accident and because it happened whilst the son was at his parents (who were not to blame either, it was just another terrible accident) for a very long time his wife blamed him but I don't think it was him directly, it was the fact that she was not there when it happened. Not sure if I've explained it very well, but just trying to illustrate that he probably blames himself, not you and thinks perhaps if he was there it wouldn't have happened? Keep talking FA, so hope you get through this

Original poster
FrettingAgain · 27/10/2008 06:50

Mumoverseas that's what i meant, but i didn't explain myself too well lastnight. His is angry at himself, but it's being directed towards me because he's hurting and his emotions are so muddled. This sounds like i'm defending him and in a way i suppose i am, but i also know that this can't carry on or it'll destroy us eventually. I also know none of this is my fault, i mean if there was anything i could have done to prevent it i would have

He's left for work now, so as soon as 8am hits i'm calling our GP in the hope i can get in to see someone today.

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mumoverseas · 27/10/2008 07:34

morning FA, hope you managed some sleep last night. I hope you manage to see someone at your surgery today. You will just have to be firm and insist on seeing someone. You will of course both suffer from anger and frustration regularly but hopefully by talking about it you will make it. Like you said, he is your soulmate and I think you said in an earlier post your childhood sweetheart so you have a lot going for you. Good luck to you. I hope you do make contact with VS, could be just what you need. Wish I was nearer but being 3000 miles away I can't come and give you a hug but if I could, I would. I'm back to the UK next month though and don't think that far from you (Sussex) so would happily come and hug you and take you out for some leek & potato soup xxx

LoveBeingAMummy · 27/10/2008 07:45

Apart from ringing the GPs today, what help have you both been getting?

Grief is a terrible thing, and lots of pepople need help to get through it without destroying what they have left. There will be a place that will help you in your part of the country that will help you to understand the different stages that each of you will go through.

He needs to decide now what he is going to do next time if things get that bad agan for him, ie call his brother, go to his parents. This way he can just remove himself from the situation before it gets that far again.

You may find it useful to ahve a codeword which either of you can use and that you agree once spoken you part company to prevent things escalating.

I hope you get inot the GPs today, you also need to get DH there as well.

Thoughts are with you, you can get through this together.

big hugs x

VaginaShmergina · 27/10/2008 12:09

Hey Fretting, how are you both doing and any luck with your GP this morning ?

I hope they have managed to squeeze you in as an emergency and you have sat and spoken to someone today.

Original poster
FrettingAgain · 27/10/2008 22:36

My husband ended up having to come home midway through the day, he's now not going back again this week. The normality of it really got to him. So, he's now having more time off and his boss has said he's not to rush back but to keep in touch and he can do some work from home for now if it will help.

I saw my GP today and managed to get a double appointment aswell, which i really needed. Also i've been in contact with the FSID to get a befriender for me. I really need to be able to talk to someone outside of the family/friends network. I do feel things are starting to shift a bit today, but it's be very tiring

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PottyCock · 27/10/2008 22:39

You both need to take time, be kind to yourselves and each other x
Sounds like you took some good steps today FA.