Another row only this time he's hit my face

[FrettingAgain]

I'm in pieces and a regular so please be gentle with me

We had a nasty row a few days ago, and he left he house and didn't come home until the early hours, leaving me in bits wondering where the hell he'd gone to. Didn't answer his mobile either.

Well it's all blown up again this morning, same row, except i've ended up having my face slapped. I don't know what the hell to do now, he's walked out again

FA: first of all, you have nothing to be ashamed of.

Nothing.

Do not be afraid to speak out about this.

I saw your earlier posts about him being sorry.

When my exp hit me, he said he was sorry. He said it would never happen again. I believed him.

I gave him one more chance.

Then another one.

Then another one.

Because I loved him, you see. I didn't believe that he meant to hurt me, he was just frustrated.

It has taken me years, two more children and the love of a good man to realise that I didn't love him, I was scared of him. I didn't leave because I was scared to leave. I told myself I loved him because why else would I stay? I am a strong, independent woman and I always said a man would only ever hit me ONCE and I'd be off. I needed a bloody good reason to stay and I gave myself it by convincing myself that I loved him.

I didn't love him, I just didn't want to see myself as a victim.

Please, whatever else you do or don't do, do not believe that he won't do it again just because he said he was sorry.

You will get loads of support on here (which you already know if you are a regular) and you will get loads of support in RL. Even those friends and family that you don't think will be there, because you chose him over them? They will be there, they will understand and they will still love you.

Do not be frightened to tell us your real posting name, there is absolutely NOTHING to be ashamed of.

Fa, please re-read your opening post. If a friend of yours had written this what would your advice be?

This sounds like a very difficult realtionship and I really don't think it sounds like it will ever be an easy relationship

Please think carefully about whether this man is who you want

Love to you and hope you are ok

I've got so much other stuff going on right now, and by me telling you who i am really won't help me i don't think. People have been so kind to me already, and this is just something else to deal with. The timing is crap, but i know what is behind all this, which i know doesn't make it right but does make sense to me.

I know what you're saying DrTreeHugger

I know what its like to live with a violent man, if you want to stay you have to lay down the law today (unless he comes home pissed, if he is stay away from him)

Let him speak, dont put words in his mouth, listen for the words, dont be manipulated, trust your gut instinct, if you hear what you know is the real honest him being truly sorry, then it is up to you to make your choice, but if you hear one ounce of it wasnt my fault it takes two, you made me, then IMO there is no point, he is not sorry and he will do it again.

I know right now you think this is not your life, this is not your dh, all these people on here dont know what he is like, hes a good guy, and it will be ok. And if you are lucky he is, but if not please know that all you can do is whats right for you, but dont confuse that with doing whats best for him.

HE'S BACK

FA,hope you are not pg. Dont let happen again, please
You may be love him but he must not hit you for any reason whatsoever

Fretting, I remember an earlier thread and that there is a terrible reason for your unhappy situation. I can't give any advice, other people have a lot of very good advice it seems, but wanted to send thoughts. You are having a shocking hard time of it. xxx

I know a lot of people are saying you should leave the house but where would you go? Have you friends or family you could stay with for a while? Thinking long term what would happen if you left and decided the marriage is over?
One important factor is if you own the matrimonial home. If you do, and you leave and the marriage is over, there will be no incentive for him to reach an agreement with you with regards to selling and sharing the equity. If you are still in the house, you will have a bit more control. If things have got to the stage where you are in fear of your safety and feel you can't live there with him, then you need to consider an application to the Court. Of course there is the possibility that you may wish to consider divorce proceedings and from what you have said, you would have grounds to petition immediately on the basis of his unreasonable behaviour. However, more pressing is the issue of you both remaining in the house at the moment. If you are in fear or your personal safety you could consider applying to the Court for a non-molestation and occupation order. (basically types of injunction) If granted, the non-molestation order would order him not to assault or harass you in any way and the Occupation order would exclude him from the house, leaving you there on your own. Usually the applications for orders need to be served upon him in advance of the hearing to give him notice to attend and state his case. However, if you are really in fear, it is possible to get an ex-parte (without notice) order depending on how serious your solicitor feels it is. If you are on a low income you may be eligible for legal aid so it is worth looking into it. I appreciate that these are not steps to be taken lightly
but hopefully you will see that you have further options. Good luck

That is excellent advice mumoverseas

Unfortunately, I think the OP is not going to heed it, nor in fact any of the good support shown on this thread.

< sigh >

I am sorry to ask this, and expect to be ignored, but have you two lost a child? Is this the terrible place your in?

You either do, or you dont have children. It shouldnt be that difficult to answer. And if it is, you should think about why it is difficult to answer.Does this mean that unravellling more of your story either identifies you, or makes us all horrified at how he is treating you? Then you have to think carefully about your reasons not to want to divulge any more information that is going to enable people to give more appropriate advice.

QS that's really harsh. I think she's lost a child and is in a terrible situation and needs people to talk to as much as to give advice. You sound a bit like a sergeant major.

Sorry, that is not how I mean to come across. My apologies. I am just trying to get to a point in a rather longwinded way.
For if that is so, and that is why she wont tell us, that in itself is worth having a long think about.

Forget it, sorry I posted, I am unable to communicate what I am thinking in a decent manner.

Back off, QS. If FA is who I think she is then she is in a very bad place right now and she doesn't need that kind of 'advice'.

BlueSky, whether QS was harsh or not, it is frustrating for people who want to give genuine, heartfelt advice or, god forbid, post their own sad experiences in an effort to show solidarity, when OP's only post "red flags".

Then sign off with "HE'S BACK"

I appreciate FA may be in a terrible situation. I just don't understand what relevant "support" you can get from such cryptic, one sided exchanges.

I also understand she may not want to be identified, but this is in no way helpul to anybody.

*helpful

Maybe Fretting is just not thinking straight Scary. Maybe she's confused, unhappy, in tearing pain, trying to retain a shred of privacy in the middle of a maelstrom of emotions. You shouldn't address people like that if you think they might have lost a child, it's really unkind and anyway QS apologised and anyway poor girl, I'm off because this is a sad enough thread without bickering.

Dittany's idea seems a good one.

I appreciate what you are saying. And BTW, I was in no way bashing the OP.

You are right, bickering is not appropriate.

I'm sorry i ran off, but i needed to close down before he was in.
We have talked, and he is mortified by his actions. I really don't think this is something he will repeat, but thank you to everyone for your advice and help.

FA: I'm pretty sure I know who you are here (I read the other boards regularly) and, if I'm right, I can totally understand why your situation is so very awful right now and why you don't want to identify yourself.

(If I've guessed wrong I might not make any sense here but here goes...)

I can appreciate that your husband is bound to be acting totally irrationally at this time but that is NOT an excuse for what he has done. I think you need to think very carefully about how much your current circumstances are affecting his judgement - it would drive the best people to the end of their sanity, particularly as he's not handling it in the best way or opening up to you as he needs to.

I know that leaving him, even temporarily, is the last thing that you would want to do right now but I think you need to consider it as this is something that could happen again, regardless of what he may say to you now that he has had time to think.

If people are right in what they're surmising here, then I would venture to suggest that the DH warrants a 2nd chance - assuming this was a first. The OP (and her DH) need help from people better qualified that the likes of me, and that help hopefully would steer DH in the right direction with his grief/anger/whatever.
Good luck, Fretting.

I hear what you're saying but i think we'll be alright now