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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Another row only this time he's hit my face

240 replies

FrettingAgain · 19/10/2008 11:26

I'm in pieces and a regular so please be gentle with me

We had a nasty row a few days ago, and he left he house and didn't come home until the early hours, leaving me in bits wondering where the hell he'd gone to. Didn't answer his mobile either.

Well it's all blown up again this morning, same row, except i've ended up having my face slapped. I don't know what the hell to do now, he's walked out again

OP posts:
SpandexIsMyEnemy · 20/10/2008 08:50

FA - I have no idea who you are or your circ's.

If indeed you have lost a child my heart goes out to you.

On one level I do understand your H's frustrations re talking to someone else if you're not talking to him BUT IT'S NOT AN EXCUSE OR REASON TO HIT YOU.

This might well be a sign of things to come, he might be genuine in his remorse. BUT I will say this.

you don't want to leave him right now for what ever reason, it's your call, I personally think he'll prob do it again and it will get worse.

but please, make an escape bag up - leave it with your friend family member anyone. have clothes kids toys kids clothes essential/legal paper work, and try your damnest to squirrel some money away where you can even if it's only £5 a week extra on the shopping (pay on your card & get cash back)

if you don't need it - well then you have your own bit of savings, and hopefully you never will need it, but please be careful, and please be prepared.

ggglimpopo · 20/10/2008 09:09

I am so sorry to hear this FA.

If he has hit you - even if he is mortified - he has crossed a line that once crossed can and probably will be crossed again. Maybe he was drunk, or sad, or pissed off - but he should not have hit you - you are not his emotional punchbag.

If you believe in your relationship - you need to address what has happened. Relate or another form of counselling will help and also bring it out into a safe 'open'. Never mentioning this again, or accepting the apology and pretending it never happened is condoning his behaviour, and also makes you a willing victim.

Please get third party help whilst your marriage is still savable.

misssmilla · 20/10/2008 09:50

Fretting - I hope you are still reading.

I am in an abusive relationship. I have not left...yet.

Your partner hit you. He HIT you.

My partner has never hit me. He has been physically and emotionally abusive though.

Please think about all the posts on here. If you are posting again in 3 months, 6 months, a years time, add it all up and leave.

I really hope thats not the case, but it is what is happening to me and it is taking time to realise what is going on.

It is abuse. You cannot forget that. I pray that everything works out for you and he never does this again.

Take care xxx

missjennipenni · 20/10/2008 11:31

I have worked out who you are, and agree that you & DH are in a very very terrible place right now. In normal circumstances, id have said leave. But knowing what you are going through, and what has to happen this week, my reaction is different. You are both grieving in different ways, and he obvioulsy has a different coping mechanism to you. I just hope you can get through this, and come out the other side together xx

feelingbitbetter · 20/10/2008 11:54

I think I know who you are too . And if I am right, then this situation doesn't really count as 'normal life' at all. Both of you must be suffering incredibly and sometimes we cannot deal with such pain rationally.

I came so very close to being where you are now, I thought I might just die, constantly swinging between numb, lost and withdrawn to violently angry agony. I don't know how I'd have coped.

Your posts sound strong, dignified and understanding. You know what he's doing and why he's doing it, and I for one, if I haven't got this horribly wrong, think you are doing the right thing in staying. Only time will tell if you can get through this together, but I do so hope you can. You have shared the very best and the very worst and I wish you luck for the future.

Original poster
FrettingAgain · 20/10/2008 16:13

Thank you again for your care and concern, but i really do think and believe we'll be ok now.

OP posts:
misssmilla · 20/10/2008 16:25

Fretting - I can understand if you think that everything will be ok.

And given what others have posted maybe your extenuating circumstances are what have made things so out of control.

But just be aware, and keep control of the situation if you can.

Have yourself an imaginary line that should never be crossed again.

You should never have to experience domestic violence (and that is what it is) again.

Take care, love and best wishes, xxx

Bucharest · 20/10/2008 16:27

"this is the first time he's done it"

Sweetie- it may well be, but it sure as hell won't be the last.

Change the locks and tell someone in real life what's happening. Cyberspace can only help so far, but if you need somewhere to go, then someone real needs to know. xx

sb6699 · 20/10/2008 16:48

Please listen to Spandex and make an "emergency bag" which you can leave with a friend/relative - just in case.

I know you think things will be fine but if he is grieving he could well be acting irrationally and once he has crossed that line it is easier for him to do it again.

Take care.

clam · 20/10/2008 19:51

From what I can make out, the circumstances the OP is in are so far removed from anything most of us can even imagine, that it is unfair to advise her to leave. They both seem to be under intolerable strain, and therefore normal rules don't necessarily apply. Yes, file it away for future reference, but the last thing these two need at the moment is for their relationship to break down. It sounds like he knows this too, and has expressed remorse at his actions. Give him the benefit of the doubt. This time.

LobstersLass · 20/10/2008 20:27

I agree wholeheartedly with clam.

Original poster
FrettingAgain · 20/10/2008 23:18

I am keeping an eye on the situation i promise. He is very sorry

OP posts:
feelingbitbetter · 20/10/2008 23:37

Good for you FA. My heart goes out to you both. I am thinking of you this week and more xx
And please, please don't be embarrassed to start another thread or come back to this one if things get even more difficult again.

SylvieSprings · 21/10/2008 01:19

FA - are you linked with any support group ? Do you go to church or attend any gym sessions?

ghosty · 21/10/2008 01:49

Like a few others I think I know who you are Fretting and agree with those that say that you and your DH are really in a bad and sad place right now. You need to take time to heal yourselves and eachother. You need to let the dust settle so that you can concentrate on rebuilding your lives. You poor things. My heart goes out to you {{{}}}

mumoverseas · 21/10/2008 05:50

FA, since I posted my earlier (very serious legal advice) I think I understand a little more about your situation and if I am right, my earlier advice is no longer appropriate. My heart goes out to you and your DH. Yes, he shouldn't have hit you, we all agree on that. However, under the circumstances, it is clear that there is a lot of upset, grief and frustration in your lives at the moment. You are both dealing with it in different ways. You want/need to talk and your DH I imagine is bottling it up. You both need to talk to someone, ideally outside your family and I would strongly recommend you consider talking to a counsellor. You may not feel now that it will help you but I believe that it may. I've always maintained that the most important part of a relationship is communication and that is even more important to you now.
My thoughts will be with you over the next few days and I will be praying for you and your DH. Good luck to you x

Original poster
FrettingAgain · 24/10/2008 00:22

He's gone again because i tried to talk to him about his returning to work monday. He's flown off the handle, swearing at me that i never know when to just let it drop and stormed off up the road. Why is he doing this to me, when i need to talk to him it's never ever the right time. It wasn't even a major indepth conversation, i said it more in passing and he flew off on it. So now i'm in tears, but nothing new there and he's out in the dark somwhere again. He's hurting so badly

OP posts:
Original poster
FrettingAgain · 24/10/2008 00:59

He needs to be on his own apparently

OP posts:
blueskyandsunshine · 24/10/2008 01:01

FA I'm so sorry I'm so sorry. You are both hurting so very much. It must be so unbearable that you need to talk so much and he is struggling with that. I wish I could say anything to give you reassurance. Is there anyone you can talk to or be with when it happens like this? Someone who will not judge your dp or your relationship, but be there to listen?

blinks · 24/10/2008 01:11

is he receiving counselling FA?

Original poster
FrettingAgain · 24/10/2008 01:13

Not at this late hour. I don't like calling people this time of night. I'll have to just sit up until he's ready to come homeIt's just as well i can't sleep.

OP posts:
DLeeds · 24/10/2008 01:24

fa

so sorry for your loss, I normally only lurk but have watched your last post for the past 10 mins, I just want you to know you are not alone. I can't imagine the pain you are in now, and can only suggest that people deal with grief in different ways. Men especially retreat - which is not what you need.

Stay online lovely, if you can't sleep and I am sure more knowledgeable people than me will see this update.

Thinking of you,

shabster · 24/10/2008 01:47

I think I know about your problems and who you are. I have walked in your shoes and experienced what you are going through.

I have to go now because my husband of THIRTY years is going mad because I am still on MN. He beat me black and blue after our awful bereavment and grief. I allowed him to - I am a clever woman but I ALLOWED THE FUCKER TO BATTER ME.

Not only did I allow it I am still in the same marriage. Take care and remember the number 999 - 999 do not forget it.

DLeeds · 24/10/2008 02:01

ta

don't know if you are still up, please take care tonight of yourself, If you are who I think you are nothing is 'normal' for you now and you just need to take one step at a time. Please post if things with dh escalate people will understand - and try to help you through this. you are under extraordinary pressure and you do need support.

take care xxxx

DLeeds · 24/10/2008 02:06

also so sorry if it is intrusive linking your threads (although not explicitly I have deliberately not used links so not obvious) - but so concerned for you lovley, you need to get through this week, and I was really worried. xx