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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Why do women bleat about their men?

184 replies

ManLikeFire · 14/10/2008 12:30

Reading through these discussion pages is a rather saddening experience. Page after page of whines, complaints and gripes, all from women attributing their current non-problems to the characteristics or habits of their other half, without a great deal of self-reflection as to why their particular Oprah-esque drama might actually be a consequence of their own choices.

If your other half is lazy, surely you knew that when you picked him? Back in the jurassic era before you produced your offspring, his laidback attitude was probably something that attracted you too him.

If he is terrible with money, it doesn't take a forensic accountant to work that out after a few dates does it? Did you pick him for his miserly tendencies or because he was fun and didn't care too much about material things?

If he has an eye for other women, you can't help but have noticed that early on. It was probably something you liked then, feeling that you'd beat the competition.

You can not have your cake and eat it (although I suspect a number of you do!): you must accept responsibility for the decisions made a long time ago. Of course, if he turns out to be gay, or becomes immensely fat, then I think you have a legitimate complaint, as that was not what it said on the tin when you took your pick.

The bottom line is that when you whinge about him now, you are really criticising yourself for making that choice long ago on the basis of wishful thinking, that you'd change him or that he change when life moved on: "Oh, I'm sure he'll change when we're together or when we have kids." Men do not bank on change - they get together with a woman because they like them at the time (or they can't do any better). They don't then spend a lifetime trying to change them (unless they let themselves go).

Perhaps women should try the same.

OP posts:
MrsMattie · 14/10/2008 13:58

Man, woman, troll...

WhirlingStirling · 14/10/2008 14:00

Oh do fuck off Manlikefire and mind your knuckles on the step on the way out!

SmugColditz · 14/10/2008 14:00

Er, it's fairly obvious the OP is male. "being gay" and "immensely fat" are the only acceptable reasons to moan about your husband.

And it is a typical male style post in all respects, even down the the way he has charged into the board with no introduction, no explaination of his own circumstances, merely a high handed diatribe about How Women Are Getting It Wrong Again.

The idea that moaning needs, somehow, to be fixed or stopped is a very male idea - many men cannot just listen and sympathise, and if expected to do so will become frustrated, as the OP has. They give advice, they expect you to take it or shut the fuck up. They don't understand how the problem can be your feelings and talking itself can solve that.

dittany · 14/10/2008 14:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AMumInScotland · 14/10/2008 14:02

Could be either, but definitely comes across as a man to me. It is too generalising about what "women" are like - a woman would be more likely to ask why "some women" do these things. And would probably be less likely to make an exception for "letting themselves go" and "being immensely fat" as being good reasons for thinking the other person broke the deal.

findtheriver · 14/10/2008 14:03

The reference to Mysogyny rather implied that assumption dittany.

findtheriver · 14/10/2008 14:05

Interesting to see how the stereotyping goes on....'typical male post in all respects' etc.

I just read it for what it was - an interesting post which made some pertinent points about how wearyisome it is reading posts from women who whinge about their partner and don't seem to see that they also had a hand in getting together and building a relationship with him.

OrmIrian · 14/10/2008 14:05

Some women are sadly quite good at misogyny.

SmugColditz · 14/10/2008 14:08

It is interesting, and he has a point. I didn't say his post was any less valid for being from a man, did I? But it is still typically male. I'm sure there are some men who don't lose their patience with endless emoting and no visible solutions, and they are generally the ones we see here because the other, more frequent sort, who like there to be An Answer to The Problem, don't stay round here. It's all emoting and no solutions!

findtheriver · 14/10/2008 14:08

ManLikeFire - what are you??

dittany · 14/10/2008 14:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AMumInScotland · 14/10/2008 14:09

I started reading it assuming the OP was female (because I generally do on mumsnet) but became convinced by some of the wording that they were male. But I do that he/she is making some valid points about women's expectations about their partners.

shootfromthehip · 14/10/2008 14:12

What really amuses me about this post (and it is what makes me assume the poster is male) is that the OP ignores the fact that people come on here and 'bleat' about their Mothers/ MILs/ Sisters/ DC/ Brothers etc, etc. In fact any relationship they may have.

I like to moan, sorry, 'bleat' about everything, not just my DH. I think it is only fair to have some balance in my moaning. Cheaper than therapy and offers me more opinions to contemplate.

shootfromthehip · 14/10/2008 14:14

Misanthropy- less discriminatory and more fun. I recommend it.

findtheriver · 14/10/2008 14:15

I prefer to judge people as people dittany - not first and foremost by their gender.

If you remember - you were the one who said 'ManLikeFire no like women' !! So you're obviously jumping to a big conclusion there! The OP didn't say they don't like women. I still think the OP could be a woman anyway! Or could be a gorgeous man in a lovely relationship who has noticed that a lot of women seem to whinge about their partners.

The points made in the OP were articulate and rational. No hatred of either gender came across - just a sense of bewilderment that some women seem to whinge and not feel empowered to do something about it.

dittany · 14/10/2008 14:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dittany · 14/10/2008 14:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ggglimpopo · 14/10/2008 14:19

Actually he has a point. Every relationship has its ups and downs, but sometimes on here there are women married to real neanderthals who post, get loads of advice and then reappear two pages down the thread to say that x may be blah blah blah and do blah blah blah, but he is a great provider (sic) and reads bedtime stories to the kids so best not to rock the boat......

And then posts days/weeks/months later and says it all again, thinking he had changed, but really he hadn't.

No one turns into a pornwatching, wifethumping, miserly, obese, lazy, two timing, homoerotic magazine collecting, misogynistic, layabout, drugtaking football hooligan overnight, do they? There must be signs, from early on.

Us women are too damn optimistic for our own bloody good.

Voice of wisdom from a poster who misread all the signs twice. Has now learned her lesson

PsychoAxeMurdererMum · 14/10/2008 14:19

By findtheriver on Tue 14-Oct-08 14:08:13
ManLikeFire - what are you??

if he/she is not a he/she......could it be a t.r.o.l.l.??

findtheriver · 14/10/2008 14:21

Why thank you dittany!

Though personally I don't think it's 'marvellous' to judge people as people, rather than by whether they have a cock or a vag. Just seems common sense to me.
But obviously that's an alien concept to some people....

dittany · 14/10/2008 14:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

findtheriver · 14/10/2008 14:29

Good to see you're resorting to your usual standard of debate dittany!

You're obviously taking a break from telling us all that Sarah Palin is an intelligent, wonderful person with excellent views, and have come on this thread to give us a laff instead!

motherinferior · 14/10/2008 14:32

I feel a very powerful urge to Let Myself Go (run free, little MI! Run free!) now.

dittany · 14/10/2008 14:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ggglimpopo · 14/10/2008 14:34

I am long gone MI