Why do women bleat about their men?

[ManLikeFire]

Reading through these discussion pages is a rather saddening experience. Page after page of whines, complaints and gripes, all from women attributing their current non-problems to the characteristics or habits of their other half, without a great deal of self-reflection as to why their particular Oprah-esque drama might actually be a consequence of their own choices.

If your other half is lazy, surely you knew that when you picked him? Back in the jurassic era before you produced your offspring, his laidback attitude was probably something that attracted you too him.

If he is terrible with money, it doesn't take a forensic accountant to work that out after a few dates does it? Did you pick him for his miserly tendencies or because he was fun and didn't care too much about material things?

If he has an eye for other women, you can't help but have noticed that early on. It was probably something you liked then, feeling that you'd beat the competition.

You can not have your cake and eat it (although I suspect a number of you do!): you must accept responsibility for the decisions made a long time ago. Of course, if he turns out to be gay, or becomes immensely fat, then I think you have a legitimate complaint, as that was not what it said on the tin when you took your pick.

The bottom line is that when you whinge about him now, you are really criticising yourself for making that choice long ago on the basis of wishful thinking, that you'd change him or that he change when life moved on: "Oh, I'm sure he'll change when we're together or when we have kids." Men do not bank on change - they get together with a woman because they like them at the time (or they can't do any better). They don't then spend a lifetime trying to change them (unless they let themselves go).

Perhaps women should try the same.

Me or the OP?????

NoXmas - not YOU the OP

crossed posts

I think that's a very fair and balanced post, onepiece. There are sometimes situations where one partner changes radically, or something has been hidden at the start of a relationship and then emerges later.. but generally most people don't enter a relationship acting in a totally different way to how they really are. And if they try, it would be way too much effort to keep up for long, and wouldnt be that hard to suss out!

No one's partner is perfect - for the simple reason that none of us are! And of course you don't know exactly how a person is going to mature over their life, so of course potential has a lot to do with it. But if you pick your partner wisely, you will have a good idea of what they want out of life, and you won't stand in their way of achieving that.

And then added into the equation is all the stuff that life can throw at you unexpectedly - death, illness, redundancy - no one can predict the details, but surely a good relationship is based on the premise that you are in this together, you will grow and adapt together. I agree that it's very frustrating to hear the same few people whinge about the same stuff ad nauseum and then refuse to do anything to change the status quo anyway!!

ive posted on here about problems with dh before,he was not into kissing 16 year olds when we got together and he didnt get easily into debt.how dumb of me not to expect it.

Thank you findtheriver.

I sometimes think that people get into a bit of a habit of complaining. Whether it be about their job, partner or some other issue. This (imo) just breeds further negativity.

That is just one reason that when dh and I have a disagreement or he does something that winds me up, I will not post about it on here.

Not so much now, but it used to be the case on here that someone might vent about something really quite minor in the scheme of things. My dp picks his toenails or some such problem. I was always by some responses which would be like "oh he obviously has zero respect for you; it's a slippery slope; he might start hitting you next etc etc" Best divorce him then.

My dh and I met when we were 19, almost twenty years later we have both changed quite a lot, in both good and bad ways. Life changes you (and this is generally a good thing). I suspect that en are just as liable to wishful thinking about their relationships, they just may not be so inclined to come on a message board and tell other men about their problems. But I agree moaning can be a bit self fulfilling.

However for what it's worth, when I picked dh (actually I think that was a mutual thing, but there we go) I would never have dreamed he could be unfaithful, and do you know what neither could he. Ten years down the line I am fairly sure we would both have said the same thing. But circumstances do change, and emotions can throw you all over the place. Sometimes good people do bad things. It is difficult to accept, but it is still true.

Cheesesarnie....Those are symptoms though aren't they - kissing 16 year olds and running up debts - there must be an underlying reason why he's doing it. He might just be a superficial twat who thinks with his cock and that's why he's chasing young things in skirts... but that sounds unlikely as you would have realised when you married him that he was superficial. So - is there an underlying lack of self esteem, is he frightened of getting older, is he feeling neglected?

I'm not saying it's your job to address the issues btw, or your responsibility to stay with him. I'd be well pissed off if my dh was into 16 year olds, so I'm not justifying his behaviour, just saying that if he used to be a lovely reasonable person when you got married, and now he isn't, then somewhere along the way, things have gone wrong. Which may be his fault, your fault, or a mixture of the two.

Dunno. I was in a bad place with exp three years ago. Got loads of advice and support on here, in particular from one mnetter from antenatal thread. Didn't want to burden anyone in real life with it all. Left him, am now happily single. I suppose I did make a poor choice, looking back - we are certainly much better friends apart. I certainly didn't see that at the time, was full of hope for the relationship. Personally I found it useful to have some kind of benchmark, I was accepting his behaviour as normal when clearly it was not. And to be able to talk it over.

Sorry let me rephrase that- 'fault' sounds wrong and simplistic. I'm just saying that I think relationships are complex, there is rarely one simple reason why something happens, and part of a good relationship is unravelling together when something has gone wrong and discussing how you want things to be instead.

Er, people change.

'bleat'?
Sooooo many brave first time posters desperately trying to stir up angst.
Now that's something worth 'bleating' about.

yes maybe my fault,maybe his but if i want to 'bleat' about it,i think i have every right surely?

In what respect are you Like Fire?

What a strange idea. That somehow people remain exactly the same for the rest of their lives. I am quite prepared to admit that deep character flaws may remain but if you meet someone who has some bad habits, ones that might not be all that inappropriate in a single 24yr old, they may not be acceptable in a 40yr old with children and a mortgage. A 24yr old is not 'grown up', in the same way as my 11yr old isn't. Life changes them. And I would expect anyone who chose to spend their lives with another adult, to change their ways accordingly. That works both ways of course.

Yes people do whinge on here. Why not? Sometimes all that is needed is a place to get it all out and rant a little. It doesn't mean the relationship is in meltdown.

May I take issue with the idea that a 24 year old isn't a 'grown up'?#

At 24 I had had more than my fair share of growing up thrust upon me, I had a child, a partner, a job, a rented house, and was supporting my mother and two young siblings through a family breakdown, and had laid out 3 people who had passed away.

Just because someone hasn't yet done these things doesn't mean they aren't capable - it's just that a lot of these things don't happen until one is 30 or forty.

FWIW I am 28 now and I feel older than a few of the posters who I know to be in their 40s.

killer detail - unless they let themselves go...

some of us 'bleat' about our men on here to get a bit of perspective, and then go back and appreciate the man they fell in love with again.

and sometimes they 'bleat' cos they have PMT and they know that they are unreasonable and so they just wish/need to unburden themselves to help prevent their DH coming home to a frying pan wrapped around their head for no other reason that they did not put the toilet seat down that morning (the same as every other sodding morning, but this morning was the very last straw)!!

and sometimes they 'bleat' and 'bleat' and we get exasperated with them as they go on and on and on about the same effing thing day in day out and we know that they won;t leave them, but what else can we do but listen and try to help.

you really should be thankful that there are sites like this for some women......there would be a lot of 'frying-pan-injured' men out there otherwise.....

OP hits the nail on the head in the last sentence unless she lets herself go
I think most of the men who are moaned about on these boards have 'let themselves go' maybe not physically but in their behaviour / attitude towards their partners.

I don't think anyone is 'fully-formed' at 24, if you prefer, colditz. There are still a lot of changes that they will undergo. No matter how much you have been through already, I'd be prepared to bet you won't be the same person at 40 that you are now.

And fwiw, I don't consider myself to be finished yet. I'm 43 but I don't suppose I am going to be the same until I die. Life changes you.

Woo-woo!

Interesting how so many people make the assumption that ManlikeFire is actually male
Read the OP again - it could be from either gender.
All aboard the Jumping to Conclusions Express?!!

I don't think it really matters findtheriver.