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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My DH says he will leave unless I 'get rid' of bump # 3

102 replies

sydneyhousewife · 12/10/2008 11:17

what a mess! I've recently moved back to Australia after 11years in the UK with DS (4) & DD (2). My English DH was supposed to follow in a few months, though still had not committed 100%. Since arriving in Oz I've discovered I'm unexpectedly pregnant at 40, about 7 weeks now. I was hoping for some support from DH, instead he is adament he does not want this child & in fact will leave us if I continue with this pregnancy. Am I mad to think I can do this on my own??? All my family are here but my parents are worried about the workload. I don't know what to do...............

OP posts:
ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 12/10/2008 11:20

what an awful thing to demand! Do you love him,? do you want the baby? IMO I would definitely choose the baby over him, I think I would with my own H if he said that to me. You can do it on your own - of course you can xxxx

constancereader · 12/10/2008 11:21

That is a terrible ultimatum from your dh. Do you still want him after that? What do YOU want to do regarding your pregnancy? With the support of your family I am sure you will cope if you decide to.

Lauriefairycake · 12/10/2008 11:23

he had not comitted to following you anyway? what's that about?

curlywurlycremeegg · 12/10/2008 11:23

What a horrible situation he has put you in, I am very angry with this man on your behalf! You obviously need to do some serious thinking, however if he can just "walk all over" your feelings and try and railroad you into a decision about such an important thing, do you really want to continue your life with him? Huge hugs.

TheArmadillo · 12/10/2008 11:23

Do you want this baby? What do you think you would feel like if you aborted it?

I assume at least part of this is your dh responsibility, I doubt you managed to get pregnant alone.

DO you really want to keep a relationship with a man who would force you to abort your child?

What is he like other than this? You say he still hadn't committed completely to moving to join you before this? DId you move knowing this was the case? If so are you really wanting this relationship to continue?

LEave your parents out of the equation for the mintute. The 2 main factors are whether you want this baby and whether you want your dh.

skidoodle · 12/10/2008 11:25

What value has a man who would leave his two existing children because he doesn't want a third?

ilovemydog · 12/10/2008 11:25

Oh my god!

Was it said in anger?

You can absolutely do it on your own.

I really don't subscribe to the, 'ditch the guy' attitude, but if he is making you choose between an abortion and him, um, how could one regain respect if it isn't what you want?

Decide if you want this baby and then move from this point....

Hassled · 12/10/2008 11:28

skidoodle has it absolutely right. He hasn't yet committed to the move and is prepared to effectively abandon his existing children - even if you were prepared to abort, would you realy still want him after this? If you have a supportive family around in Australia you'll be fine on your own - and there's always Mumsnet.

constancereader · 12/10/2008 11:30

So agree with skidoodle - how can a man threaten to leave his own children as a bargaining tool to get his own way?

bran · 12/10/2008 11:30

Do you suspect at all that he doesn't want to either move to Sydney or stay with you and is looking either for an excuse not to come or to put you in a position where you dump him?

What is he like normally? Is it generally a bit difficult and seeks to blame others for things he doesn't like about his own life, or is he usually quite reasonable and caring? It's hard to tell without knowing any background whether he's a nice guy who is having the heebie jeebies about moving to a new country and having another child, or a bit of a controlling shit who has a hidden agenda.

Original poster
sydneyhousewife · 12/10/2008 11:30

TBH, I feel I've lost all respect for him as he's been so unsupportive. His 1st response, when I finally tracked him down to tell him, was not 'how are you?' but 'that's such bad news, what are you going to do about it?' (At least he's being honest I guess..) In an ideal world I'd love another child but I realise this is going to be tough, is it worth the sacrifice my other 2 kids will be making, not seeing their Dad (though his lack of responsibility & moral fibre makes me wonder if that's such a bad thing sometimes)

OP posts:
BecauseImAWitch · 12/10/2008 11:33

TBH it sounds as if things aren't 100% solid if you've moved half way round the world and he hasn't committed to join you.

Only you can make the decision about a termination, but you certainly shouldn't have to deal with this kind of pressure from your (d)h.

ilovemydog · 12/10/2008 11:35

Um, it sounds like he's already gone anyway...

How are you coping at the moment? If you don't have this baby, would it really make a difference to your relationship. Worst case scenario is that you don't have this baby, for the sake of family unity or whatever, and he still doesn't live with you all.

And what decent father would leave their kids anyway?

TheArmadillo · 12/10/2008 11:37

are you sure he would continue the relationship if you did abort the baby?

Cos it doesn't sound like he's that interested in it.

Are you sure he would keep contact with your other children anyway?

It would eb his choice to cut off contact, and he did help get you pregnant.

You can choose what you do but not what he does. If you choose to have this baby, what he does is up to him and not down to you.

KerryMumchingOnEyeballs · 12/10/2008 11:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cartoose · 12/10/2008 11:42

Yes. If you think about what YOU want slowly and carefully, and if you do want this baby then it IS worth it. You will have a supportive family around you which is more than I can say for your husband. I'm sorry, but it sounds like you don't have much of a relationship.

" ... when I finally tracked him down to tell him"

You shouldn't have to make an effort to track down your own husband to tell him such important news.

for you.

Original poster
sydneyhousewife · 12/10/2008 11:43

thankyou for all your lovely messages, I am sat here crying. I've read the mumsnet boards for many years while in the UK (which I love by the way) but this is the 1st time I've posted, wish it was for happier reasons. The plan was always to come back to Oz, he agreed before we were married. I think he has the heebie jeebies completely but won't admit that to hinself or me. It is a huge move, I was scared too & I have family here! However, we couldn't afford the life we were trying to live in London, in a 2 BR flat, & I am desperately hoping that we will have a better quality of life here. But now I don't know (PS he's not a monster but can be quite selfish. Also he's just told me he never wanted to have our 2nd child, but then was never prepared to practise safe sex. He was certainly not tricked into this situation)

OP posts:
Freckle · 12/10/2008 11:48

Sounds to me as though he was never committed to the idea of moving to Oz and is now seizing on the pregnancy as a way of getting out of it. He is probably aware that a termination is not something you are likely to agree to. He is also laying the guilt at your door if he doesn't move out there with you. "Well, you knew I wouldn't come if you had dc3, so it was your choice that I don't come".

He's a coward and lacks moral fibre.

Mumi · 12/10/2008 11:48

Sorry to be blunt, but if he didn't move with you and hasn't followed you since, this is the perfect "excuse" for him not to. If it wasn't this, it would've been something else.

If do you have the baby he will see it as "your fault" the relationship ended. Big deal Not having the baby still doesn't guarantee he'll shift his ass over there, or even if he does, that it won't be the last of the stunts he pulls. Doesn't sound like much of a sacrifice for your kids to me.

If you want the baby anyway, which it sounds like you do, call his bluff and dump him. In fact, even if you don't, dump him anyway for trying to put you in that situation!

TheArmadillo · 12/10/2008 11:49

This is a horrible situation to be in for you.

He sounds like a complete selfish wanker - yes I'm sure he does have some good points, but someone prepared to give up his other children over this is never going to be counted as a good father.

He has tried to absolve his responsibilty in this - but it is his responsibility as well.

You sound like a woman considering what is best for her family, he sounds like a man considering only what is best for him alone.

Do what is best for you and your children, don't do what is best for him. Because you can't rely on him. Even if you conform to his wishes you can't rely on him carrying through his promises. You could end up with an abortion you regret and him still on the other side of the world.

Or if you abort the baby and he comes over you could well end up resenting him for it and your relationship may never recover.

WideWebWitch · 12/10/2008 11:51

I agree with everyone else, he's a selfish arse. WHAT a thing to ask of you! But he's not asking it of you, he's washing his hands of any decision and laying it all at your door. It does sound as if it was over already if you moved without him and he hadn't agreed to come with you.

So I think if you want another baby, have one but factor in that you will almost certainly be doing it alone by the sound of it.

YeahBut · 12/10/2008 11:55

He's an arse. This whole, "I want our relationship but not the baby that I created with you" makes me so .
Well, what do you think you can live with at the end of the day? Can you terminate for the sake of your marriage and how will that affect the relationship? Can you live with being a single mother of three?

sleepycat · 12/10/2008 11:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tribpot · 12/10/2008 11:56

It's interesting that you say in your original post that your H hadn't actually committed to moving to Oz when you left - I'm taking it from that that all was not well in the marriage before this?

If things are going to get nasty(er) I would check your legal position wrt having taken ds and dd from the UK, see this thread

As the others have said, I think you can only decide on what is best for you and your kids. It sounds like he's making excuses not to go to Oz.

Original poster
sydneyhousewife · 12/10/2008 12:08

I think, after this, the marriage is pretty much over. I actually felt stronger after he said all this stuff because it seemed to make the future, where he's concerned, a bit clearer. However I don't want to abort this baby but at the same time don't know how I can manage being a single mum of 3 (really not how I imagined life turning out!) I had PND with both my DCs but that was in the UK with just DH for support, I'm scared of it happening again. Maybe it will be different here with lots of family around, though as I said before my parents (who I'm living with at the moment which is stress in itself) are concerned & not particularly supportive of this situation (they have stuff going on in their lives too)

OP posts: