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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My DH says he will leave unless I 'get rid' of bump # 3

102 replies

sydneyhousewife · 12/10/2008 11:17

what a mess! I've recently moved back to Australia after 11years in the UK with DS (4) & DD (2). My English DH was supposed to follow in a few months, though still had not committed 100%. Since arriving in Oz I've discovered I'm unexpectedly pregnant at 40, about 7 weeks now. I was hoping for some support from DH, instead he is adament he does not want this child & in fact will leave us if I continue with this pregnancy. Am I mad to think I can do this on my own??? All my family are here but my parents are worried about the workload. I don't know what to do...............

OP posts:
Elasticwoman · 12/10/2008 21:49

My sil once lived in a London flat where there was a gradually worsening smell, and in the end it turned out that the lonely old divorced man in the flat under her had died from a sudden heart attack. He had the electric fire on at the time, so his body slowly cooked. Once the body was discovered, some months after his death, his extended family descended like vultures and squabbled over his car and few other possessions.

LuLuMacGloo · 12/10/2008 21:51

This seems like it isn't about what your DH wants but what you want/feel you can cope with because he seems to be out of the picture anyway. Sorry if that's harsh.

Only think of yourself in this decision. Do you want another child? Could you cope with another child (your others are still quite young so it strikes me that another wouldn't make a HUGE amount of difference).

You have to think of yourself. Don't think of him in this decision because it seems like he has already gone. Think of what YOU would regret the most. Keeping this child or losing it.

Thinking of you. x

ConstanceWearing · 12/10/2008 21:54

Single mum of 6 children here - it can be done and you can be happier too.

My XH put me in a similar position with DC5. "Get rid of it or I'm off". I've never regretted any of my children. I bitterly regret my choice of partners though. Do what is right for you and your babies, and you will never be ashamed of yourself, though you will doubtless often be tired

HRHSaintMamazon · 12/10/2008 21:56

im afraid it sounds to me as though there is more behind his threat than just this pregnancy.

He should have moved across with you. you certainly shouldn't still be waiting for him. and as for admitting he didn't want his second child

you will cope with this new baby because it will be fabulous and lovely and you will love him/her with all your heart.
Any sacrifices your children make will be worth it to have a new sibling.

tell him you are in Oz and staying, you are keeping the child and he needs to decide what HE is going to do. give him the ball and let him play in his own court for a while

saultanpepper · 12/10/2008 22:01

give him his balls on a plate and let him play with himself for a while

Elasticwoman · 12/10/2008 22:08

You know, sometimes people say they years after the event, that they never wanted this or that baby ... but the thing is, you don't agree to have a baby the way you agree to get married. You become a parent and you're stuck with it. There's no divorce. OK you can be a crap parent, a negligent parent, an absent parent, an unloving parent. But you're still a parent.

ConstanceWearing · 12/10/2008 22:22

I agree EW. Thing is, there are some things we don't want that we are absolutely bloody stuck with, like a big nose or ginger hair (yes, I'm ginger. Don't shout at me). With children there seems to be this rule whereby anyone who doesn't want the DC's they got stuck can just walk away, leaving the other parent all the hard expense, hard work, and grief.

People who willingly abandon their children are morally bankrupt.

Original poster
sydneyhousewife · 13/10/2008 10:42

thanks again for all your messages. & wow ConstanceWearing, you've managed with 6! I'm feeling more positive now! Actually, thinking how I'd cope with 3 DCs makes dealing with just 2 of them on my own right now seem so much easier. I can't see our relationship ever recovering from this really, I'm so unimpressed with him!

OP posts:
nicolamumof3 · 13/10/2008 11:02

Im not surprised Sydney, what a think to say to you, that is deeply shocking. He sounds a v.selfish immature individual. Maybe your children are better off without a father like that. Only you can decide what to do regarding this pregnancy, do it for yourself not him whatever you decide it is ultimately you that has to live with it, as i think he thinks he can just walk away as and when he chooses. how long have you been apart now if you don't mind me asking. I found being a single parent so much easier emotionally i must admit! X

Original poster
sydneyhousewife · 13/10/2008 11:31

We've only been away 6 weeks now (& I'm 8 weeks pregnant). TBH I don't really think about him much as busy with the kids, kids seem ok without him (he was away so much with work they're kind of used to it I guess), I'm just wish he was here so 1 of us could work & bring in some money!

OP posts:
Original poster
sydneyhousewife · 13/10/2008 11:34

no wonder he doesn't want to come out, I sounds so mean!

OP posts:
nicolamumof3 · 13/10/2008 11:36

I think you have answered your own question, you only need him for financial support possibly? if you are coping physically and emotionally you may be ok? but re, the pg only you can decide whether to do this. his repsonse in what are YOU going to do. What about WE?? he should have said what will WE do? its just as much his baby!

TheArmadillo · 13/10/2008 11:37

you don't sound mean you sound realistic.

think about exactly what support he has been giving you with the children. Is it just bringing in money? If so you can do that.

It may be easier without him being around.

NappiesLaGore · 13/10/2008 11:45

have only read op
tbh, it doesnt sound like hes gonna stick around much longer anyway, so the 'can i do it alone' question is a bit moot. you will be a single parent anyway... you are home now tho, with a family support network, so your decision on whether to keep this baby or not is all your own. i would basically assume hes out of the picture anyway from here on in; its a disgusting demand to make of you really. cowardly too.

my dad made the same demand of my mum with my youngest sister... she got as far as arriving at the hospital on the day in question but had a v last minute change of mind and left before the deed. risking, of course, being a single mum with 3 young dc to support. he didnt leave then... and littlest sister has always been v close to him and hes a fab dad (honest!) but SHITE dh it would seem, as in retrospect, he was shagging someone else at the time he made the ultimatum anyway so was not exactly 100% commited either way, wqas he??

i do feel for you, youre in a shitty position. i think if it were me id say 'sod you' kick him out and keep the baby.

incidentally, my mum and dad did co-parenting as separated parents really rather well and are now v v good friends... staying together is not a prerequisite of being good parents imo.

superloopy · 13/10/2008 11:51

I'm in Aust too. From a purely financial point of view you will be able to get the baby bonus which is now $5000 plus family benefits.

Maybe you need to start planning your new life now as a single parent and as others have said - leave the ball in his court..

superloopy · 13/10/2008 11:53

Hell woman you don't sound mean at all!!!

He on the other hand is a spineless fool!!

Original poster
sydneyhousewife · 14/10/2008 06:06

yep nicola, I'm a bit concerned about finances but know we can muddle through on our own somehow. It's the lack of 'we' that I find particularly hurtful..'what are YOU going to do about it', not going to clean up your mess buddy that's what I'm going to do about it! What I really wanted was a supportive partner to enjoy this pregnancy & baby with. I'm keeping the baby, not to spite him but because I feel it's the right thing to do; he can sort himself out.

OP posts:
Flightattendant2 · 14/10/2008 06:08

Is he just using it as an excuse because he doesn't want to come over to aus?

sortry have only read OP but for you. Well done, you sound strong.

arfishy · 14/10/2008 07:03

Welcome Sydney , you are now a member of our very exclusive Aussie clique.

I came out to Australia without DP (and brought DD with me) and he was very much against it. We both contract and I took a contract out here while he had to finish his in the UK. He was very angry that I came without him and adamant that he wouldn't come over.

After about 5 months he flew out to see us and loved it and found a job with sponsorship and has stayed ever since. He says it's the best thing he's ever done and wishes that he moved here 20 years ago.

I think it's scary for your DH to come out to Australia - your home turf - and leave his friends and family behind. DP was just the same until he got here.

Do you think he really means it about the baby or just adding another baby into the deal is scaring him? Does he have a job lined up here?

ninedragons · 14/10/2008 07:16

There are far worse things to be than a single mum. An 80-year-old woman who has spent the past forty years bitterly regretting her abortion is one of them.

Original poster
sydneyhousewife · 14/10/2008 10:08

So glad there's an Aussie clique! DH has been out here 3 times so far & is on his 3rd residency visa (they keep expiring 'cos we've taken so long to get here). He's happy enough for us to be here, thinks it's a better quality of life for the kids, however he says he doesn't want to leave his 3 remaining elderly relatives (who tell him to go & not stay in the UK on their behalf. & he rarely sees them) & is reluctant to leave his job. The same industry exists here, he has contacts, his been told to call them when he moves out here. Problem is he says he won't move without a job lined up, but he won't get a job because he won't commit to actually moving out here. I'm happy to work fulltime while he takes the time to find something he likes. & we have a free house!!! (for a while anyway!) Don't see what more I can do (oh & there's an Aussie Spurs Club... it's all here!!!) Just don't think he really wants to do it...

OP posts:
nicolamumof3 · 14/10/2008 12:09

theres not much more that could be done for him then by the sounds of it?

ninedragons · 14/10/2008 12:25

Where are you?

We meet and get trashed and are on the hunt for a designated driver - sounds like you'd be perfect!

I am in China ATM but moving back next month.

The more you say about him, the more I think hmm, sounds like you might be better off without him. My DH is English and I am Australian - when DD came along I basically chucked a fit and said I absolutely had to go home for good. He would have followed me to Sudan (but is very pleased I come from Sydney - he wouldn't have been thrilled about Sudan but he would have gone).

Who knows? I won't malign him in case he comes round, but in your situation I would be deeply and probably permanently unimpressed.

JoolsToo · 14/10/2008 12:27

I'd sooner terminate him!

jaijay · 14/10/2008 17:09

Have you had a termination before? I had one because my DH (now ex!)said he wasn't ready to be a dad and I didn't want to be a single parent. That was about 10 years ago and to this day I still think about what might have been and what the child would have been like. I've a lovely baby daughter now and I can't believe how I could have got rid of a baby. It's my biggest regret.

Only do it if you are really sure you could cope with your loss afterwards and you wouldn't resent your DH for it.

Sorry, don't mean to scare you, but abortion is a horrible thing.

And yes, of course you can go it alone if you have to