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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My DH says he will leave unless I 'get rid' of bump # 3

102 replies

sydneyhousewife · 12/10/2008 11:17

what a mess! I've recently moved back to Australia after 11years in the UK with DS (4) & DD (2). My English DH was supposed to follow in a few months, though still had not committed 100%. Since arriving in Oz I've discovered I'm unexpectedly pregnant at 40, about 7 weeks now. I was hoping for some support from DH, instead he is adament he does not want this child & in fact will leave us if I continue with this pregnancy. Am I mad to think I can do this on my own??? All my family are here but my parents are worried about the workload. I don't know what to do...............

OP posts:
TheArmadillo · 12/10/2008 12:19

SO what do you need?

Plan what you are going to need before this baby arrives and see if it is possible.

Firstly, I'm guessing somewhere to live. Is there anything in the pipelines atm or do you need to start figuring it all out.

Secondly income - do you work or have any independant income? Is your dh sending money? Do you have any savings?

Sometimes concentrating on the practical can help.

Original poster
sydneyhousewife · 12/10/2008 12:23

H said he was coming out but wanted us to go 1st in case I didn't like it here anymore!!! He's booked a 2 week holiday here in Dec & was '95% sure' he'd be here by April (whatever that means!!) There were lots of excuses about sick family members (don't mean to be callous but they've been ill for many years), jobs etc but my point was that we should be his priority. I think, as some of you have said, this has just given him another excuse for not coming. The kids have dual citizenship & he consented to them leaving the country. Yes tribpot I've been following that thread too with interest! Any single mums of 3 young kids out there? Is it do-able or am I mad??? I do want this baby & would not abort for my DH but have my 2 other children to think about.

OP posts:
Original poster
sydneyhousewife · 12/10/2008 12:32

TheArmidillo: my sister has been fab through all this & is letting us have her little house rent free (we move there this week). There is plenty of work around but I have no childcare; my parents said before we came out that they could look after the kids while I worked but now they're too busy! I have an appointment tomorrow with a social worker to see what services I can access. DH said raid the UK bank account but there's not lots there... I don't want to jeopardise the mortgage payments. Lots of family offering me baby stuff which is good (my sister was v excited & told everyone already)

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 12/10/2008 12:35

He's in England and not committed to joining his family.

He's already gone.

I would do what I wanted with the pregnancy, tbh, because he's not supporting you already if he's tens of thousands of miles away as it is. He's hardly in a position to be making demands on you.

Basically, skidoodle is hitting the nail on the head bang on.

TheArmadillo · 12/10/2008 12:38

start a thread asking for advice on single parenthood. There are plenty of single parents on here some have 3+ kids.

The meeting tomorrow sounds good - see what you can glean from them.

I think you need to make an arrangement with your dh where he sends you a certain amount of money each month.

Whatever you decide it's good to find out whats available and start to build a support network around yourself.

your sis sounds fab.

saultanpepper · 12/10/2008 12:42

I'm not defending the 'I'm leaving unless you terminate' attitude as that's pretty damned heartless.

That notwithstanding...

  1. Whose decision was it to move to Aus?
  2. Have you ever discussed the possibility of a third child?
  3. If yes, what were his feelings on the issue?
  4. Was he supportive of a move to Aus away from all his family and support network?
  5. Agree his family should be his priority but has he had a say in the matter or did you unilaterally decide that you would take the children half way round the world?

From what you've posted he does sound like a complete knob...however I wonder what his side of the story would sound like?

To those who have said that he's put you in a horrible position - they're right and he deserves a swift kick in the plums for it. On the flipside - and again, I stress I'm not defending his attitude, but - I submit that springing an unexpected, unplanned, and possibly (probably?) unwanted pregnancy on someone from the other side of the planet isn't necessarily going to bring the best out in someone either.

Twiglett · 12/10/2008 12:46

sounds to me like you'd already split up to be honest

moving continents and having to track him down to tell him are not signs of a healthy relationship to be honest

so honestly what was the state of your relationship before this news? Why did you move without him?

Original poster
sydneyhousewife · 12/10/2008 13:05

hi saultanpepper.. we always planned to go back to Oz, then the other 2 kids came along. Now was a good time to go to get DS into school for Jan, & before DH's 3rd residency visa expires (DH said last year we would leave UK Sept 08, but as the time grew nearer denied ever saying it!) 3rd child not discussed but he knew I wasn't on the pill (v rarely had sex 'til the nite before I left!!)(he has since said he didn't think i would conceive at 40). His feelings on the issue?? He didn't want DC2! He feels Australia offers a better quality of life for the kids, won't comment on what it offers him. I'm sure he's scared, it's a huge move but one he has previously committed to. I've offered to work fulltime here while he takes his time finding a job he likes, we have free accommodation. I'm really cross he didn't come with us as we miss him & it's not giving the move a fair chance

OP posts:
Original poster
sydneyhousewife · 12/10/2008 13:07

Time for bed here (another sleepless night!). See you in the morning...

OP posts:
mumoverseas · 12/10/2008 13:23

sydneyhousewife, hope you manage to get some sleep. I can't even begin to imagine how you are feeling and my heart goes out to you. I can only reiterate some of the advice you've already received. You say you want your baby and therefore, if you are bullied into a termination by your husband, I would imagine you will always regret it and therefore your relationship will be over.
You have the support of family and friends and two wonderful children already. You made a comment about being 40. Do you think you are too old? I hope not as I'm 40 too, hadn't planned a baby but found out in June I'm expecting another! I went through the 'I'm too old phase' but now am really excited about the baby and my other children are pleased about it too. I'm lucky, my husband is supporting me, but if he wasn't, I'm pretty sure which one I'd get rid of, and it wouldn't be the baby!
You must do what you feel is right for you and your children, not your husband, who sounds extremely immature and selfish. Good luck to you x

Cartoose · 12/10/2008 13:34

Hope you manage to sleep well tonight sydneyhousewife. x

saultanpepper · 12/10/2008 13:36

hello :wavey: sorry, it was rude of me not to say hello before posting

It sounds as though he does not want to leave the UK (can't understand it myself, if my missus was an Aussie we'd have emigrated ten years ago) and you've given him the excuse he needed.

Sleep well (as best you can anyway) and good luck

Saul x

cafebistro · 12/10/2008 13:49

What a complete tosser!
The baby is as much his responsibility as yours. He did have a part in its conception.
Personally I would not want to be with someone who forced me to choose between him and our unborn child. You must do what is best for YOU! At least you are living near your family now and they will provide some support for you if you choose to keep the baby and go it alone. Make sure you sort out the legal stuff and make him financially support his children.

jellybeans · 12/10/2008 14:10

In every case I have heard of like this (I know a fair few), IF the woman aborts the relationship always ends soon after. Probably due to the bitterness/guilt etc which can be on both sides. If it were me (and I have been in simelar difficult circumstances) I would 100% keep the baby. I chose to and DP did come round and we have been together years now, yurned out there was pressure put on him but it is a long story. I would never have forgiven him if I aborted (if I wasn't wanting an abortion before being dumped).

Original poster
sydneyhousewife · 12/10/2008 14:23

Can't sleep. TBF when I couldn't track him down to tell him he was in Asia on business, not lost in a pub watching footie for a week(though he'd love that). He can normally check his messages when away though....

OP posts:
princesspeahead · 12/10/2008 14:27

"What value has a man who would leave his two existing children because he doesn't want a third?"

Rarely have I seen such a concise and perfect summing up of a dilemma as this. Bravo, Skidoodle. THAT is the question, isn't it?
Follow your heart. If you want the baby, then have the baby, and whatever decisions your husband chooses to make (because you are making none for him, they are all down to HIM), I am quite sure you are strong enough to cope.

clam · 12/10/2008 15:58

Well, I don't see how you could possibly go back to this marriage (in UK or in Oz) after this, whether you have the baby or not. So I guess you're on your own anyway. So, do you want the baby? Yes it might be hard. But is that enough reason to terminate?

AbbeyA · 12/10/2008 16:14

My very best wishes, it is hard but you are much better off without him.

MrsMattie · 12/10/2008 16:17

Oh dear. No advice, just hope you're OK and have got some support from friends and family x

squeaver · 12/10/2008 16:19

I'm sorry to say this but it sounds like he's left you already ("will be there by April" WTF?)

You're in a terrible situation and have had some amazingly good advice here. The most important piece of which is "what do YOU want?".

I really wish you strength in dealing with this.

Dioriffic · 12/10/2008 16:30

Message withdrawn

nkf · 12/10/2008 16:31

Was it really unexpected? I ask because if he suspects a deliberate accident when he'd made his views clear then I can understand his rage.

Personally, faced with that choice, I'd have the baby.

priceyp · 12/10/2008 16:41

Concentrate on the children you already have and make the best decision for them and their future.

I think you are being very strong about all of this, good luck.

xx

Elasticwoman · 12/10/2008 21:41

Haven't read whole thread, just OP, but it sounds to me like he wants an excuse to split and is trying to make you feel like you forced him to. Like you obviously tied him to the bed and forced him to impregnate you much against his better judgment ....

No you are not mad to think you can do this on your own, either. You will find the strength and it's not you who is going to end up a lonely old man who probably lies dead in a bedsit for 3 months before neighbours wonder what that smell is.

Heated · 12/10/2008 21:43

&@Elasticwoman, she who obviously pulls no punches!

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