it happens so often on here, but I opened his mobile bill by accident and guess what?

[AreYouCallingMeDarling]

yep

up to 30 texts a day to number that I find out is another woman

Just friendship says he

hahahahaha

I am a regular btw. Just don't want my mum reading this and knowing it is me. Or anyone else I know

I feel so feckin stupid

It is the middle of the night and I probably won't get any answers. But that is fine

Yes, it is hard embracing a new relationship when what you really want is the old one back (pre-adultery of course).

I agree with MadamOvary re. the changing dynamic in your relationship. I found it quite hard tbh. I didn't want to rub his nose in it the whole time and tbh didn't have to anyway, but to go from injured party to equals trying to make a go of it was and still is very hard. I find myself sitting in silence sometimes feeling such a rage within but feeling I have to contain it because there comes a time when you feel talked out.

Anyway, glad it is the first time he's cheated and very much hope it's the last. He does sound contrite and willing to do what it takes to regain your trust. I personally would be worried about the length of time you are apart, but maybe unnecessarily. I suppose that is your normal routine.

Wow, Darling....You sound so calm. I take my hat off to you. I'd be a made screeching nutcase!

I hope the results were all clear

xx

I guess there will be a new dinamic between us. I am hoping it will be that we never take each other for granted again, and I think that was happening for both of us (more in his case obviously )

I have asked him to really think whether it is me he wants or just a fear of change. He has reitterated that it really is me.

He sent me a text essay that I will maybe post here later (before I get the whole thread deleted ) which helped me to believe that he really does want to be with me.

And I know that it is not why I want to be with him (fear of change). I have thought through it - hard thoughts. I really had do think whether I wanted him back. I have been through a marriage breakup before (he left me out of the blue) and felt relieved within days of it being over so I know how I feel now.

He means so much to me and up until now makes me feel great 99% of the time.

anyway - I am waffling and have to go do kids bath and bed.

Sorry that was childish and I also didnt mean to sound harsh. I just wanted you to remember you have a right to be angry even after the dust has settled.
However you do seem emotionally mature enough to know`that and hopefully you will be able to let go of that anger if you decide to stay with him.
Am crossing my fingers re the Clinic results.

Yes HappyWoman. You sound like you have been able to find that path forward, to avoid falling into the trap of becoming the saint/martyr, to not let the bitterness (which no doubt you still feel) take over and ruin the marriage. I think your tact, sensitivity and wisdom (which you show on here in your posts) has helped you in this. But, genuinely, we are not all as able to mend these hurts.

But I agree it doesn't have to be the end. As we get older we realise that there is an ideal love but that real love is often more complex than that and imperfect like we are, and maybe better than the 'ideal' love. Just because someone has a flawed character, or makes a mistake, doesn't mean that they are no longer capable of love or not worthy of it. It depends on the whole picture and how they behave once the flaw/mistake is discovered. It is clearly possible to gradually rebuild things and to move on to a better relationship than before. It sounds like you have reached a good compromise, where you are more in charge of your own happiness but without having lost what was good in your marriage (or your marriage).

AYCMD - It sounds very positive - this can be fixed. Best wishes.

Darling - I'm pleased for you that you are moving forward and sound so positive. That is great!

But I have to ask come next January and the new posting, are you still going to choose to live apart? I do think that if you are starting afresh with your marriage you need to make your relationship/marriage and by extention your family with the children your number one priority. And, yes, I know all the key points of disussion about disrupting schooling, living in your own home or near family/friends etc as we have them too. But somewhere along the way either you yourself or both as a couple made a decision to put something other than your relationship first. Perhaps it is in this context that your husband's affair started?

Mess life is easy, no responsibilities, no wife, no kids, no domestic chores, no cooking, no cleaning, surrounded by single guys, drinks and a few laughs in the bar each night etc etc it's not 'real life' when you are married with children. Is this really where your husband belongs? Because somehow in the way he was living his life he lost sight of what was most important - you and his children.

We have some things that need doing to our house before we can rent it out and I can go and live with him. It is what we both want to do, and had spoken about it before all this.

So now it is a mortgage problem (great timing!)

we shall see

You live part or something? That's more complicated. Most adultery is just opportunity, something that wouldnt' have happened if he or she didn't acecpt the posting abroad, didn't agree to park the famil in the country and live in the London flat in the week, didn't agree to stay on the extra night at the conference. It's more chance than design.

If you're trying to think about moving forwardand don't want every conversation for 30 years to have a subtext - you're awful, you slept with HER, then acceptance of at least some fault on both sides might be wise. I am not saying everyone whose partner strays has caused that although I know people who say that is so, but that rarely are things as simple as perfect marriage spoiled by someone who chose to stray.

Totally agree about the moving with him. My used to work hard in london and would often stay over (which became more frequent!). I was told it was so he could do more work and provide for us - so i should pretty much put up and shut up (which i did for far too long).

Now we have realised that all the material things that brings is just not worth the pain. He has taken a less pressured job and will not stay over as much any more.
We did get the chance to move abroad but i found strengh to say that i really did not want to go (something i would not have done before - i would have supported whatever he wanted). Well live and learn.

REally think about what you want now in terms of your family unit and how you want it to be from now on, he has forfieted his right for the time being after all.

I really do hope this all works out for you. We've seen thsi so often on MN and sometimes its hard not to scream at the screen when the adulterer is forgiven....
It must have taken ALOT to get where you are today Darling.

I've been amazed at your calm appraoch to it.

xxxx

He has not been forgiven.

That will take much more time, he knows that and accepts it.

And I am not calm about it. I just have to try and get it right. SO much of the time I want to scream and shout and rant but that would do me no good (although a little bit of that is good and necessary and I have done that)

He referred to my icy logic (in a good way) but it is still the swan. It takes thinking it through for an hour and shaking to get to the stage where I can present it in a calm way.

I just want to say thank you to all of you as well.

I don't think I could have done this without the input, both negative and positive, and the support that you have given me.

Thanks MN

Sorry, darling...forgiven was the wrong word.

my fingers working faster then my brain again.

Sorry.

xx

No need to appologise

You just have too many cute boys to look after - I am surprised you have time to type at all

Do make sure you have an outlet for your anger and screaming - for me it was running and in the middle of nowhere being able to scream and shout to my heart's content.

Writing was also a good outlet as you can pen all your vile thoughts down and only choose to re-read them if you want to. It also makes you see just how far you have come.

Dont for one minute think this is going to be easy and i do believe you have to be in the state of mind that you know you could do it alone and so will demand all the things you will need - it may test your relationship to the limit but if you do make it, it will be worth it - just make sure from now on you do not make too many sacrifices of your own for it.

Good luck. We (just h and i are away for a few child free days) this is one of the good things to come out of all this mess - we now spend more time on ourselves.

Ahhaaa, darling, you've just given me a fantastic reason for all my annoyingly stupid typos.

I just haven't got time to check for typos

Did you get your results yet Darling? Did h go to get tested too?

AYCMD, I did read from page 1 to 20. A bit of advice that I haven't seen on this or any other similar posting. I've been where you are at. Something you should do, must do is start an account with just your name. Start putting away some rainy day funds for you (just in case). If it works out that you and he forge ahead together...you will be prepared (extra cash never hurts) but if it doesn't work out that way then...again (extra cash doesn't hurt).
You and your child are supposed to get that money anyway. There shouldn't be any argument.
Also, you should mention this to his commanding officer and her boss or commanding officer. They may not reprimand them but they will move them apart. Family is supposed to be first because you are HIS support first and foremost. This happens more than one would like to think and it will happen again. I doubt she sought your husband out for the first time...like she has never done this before. If he does become the loyal husband that he should you can guarantee she will be doing someone else's husband in short order. She is betting neither of you will say a word. Your husband will probably get a slap on the wrist, they may even move up the January transfer date (that would get them apart faster) but as you can mention how dependent you are on his check they will be very understanding and not penalize him that way because it would penalize you the innocent party.

I am -ve for HIV and Hep B and C

The rest will come later, but all of them are fixable.

wehaveallbeenthere - I just don't know enough about that to trust the word of a (probably very genuine and knowledgeable) person on the internet.

I do have my own account - but never have enough to save.

Anyway - bath time chaos beckons.

I will be back laer

Thank goodness on the negatives. Don't trust my word. Consult with a military church leader or military police (they can direct you to the right person). Nothing happens unless you try to press the issue. A military counselor, or hospital personnel.
It happens a lot. You aren't alone in this. When it happened to me I was so naive that my husband (he doesn't deserve the title) took my passport, and wouldn't let me talk to anyone. Everyone knew it was going on too. His co-workers, the family in the stairwell, and probably his family as well. He said I had no rights. You do have rights.
I really hope you two work this out...I just hope that you realize you aren't sitting out in the middle of the lake without a shoreline swan. Many hugs to you. Be strong.

AYCMD

Please excuse the brevity of this post (mad BOL as I type)

I'm so pleased that your results came back clear that is fantastic news, I didn't want you not to hear that and when I am child free later I will come back to this thread.

How are things?

Great news re. results. A massive milestone. He was totally out of order to cheat........but to do it without protection was unbelievably stupid and careless. Thank god you are ok. Health is a big thing for me. I gave my h a very hard time over risking my sexual health even though he did use condoms. I would never put up with it again from him or anyone else.

So would you all like to talk to him? I have told him that he may be on course for a live kicking webchat with you all as a form of penance.

This was in the conversation where I said that I thought I might have made it too easy for him (I have not made it easy) and he said he would do anything

Well, he's a braver person than I would be!

Seriously though - things might actually hit home if he does, there are some fantastic posters on here. You are a very sensible and patient lady aycmd, i hope he really does realise how luckly he is. Many women would not have hung around for this.

I'm not sure what good could come from him coming on here tbh.

Better to call him a thousand names yourself than have us do it.

I disagree Slur

Better you do it for me. He tells me he knows how badly he fucked up - and if I tell him then I am the one baiting him - if you all do it the n it is "impartial" kicking