it happens so often on here, but I opened his mobile bill by accident and guess what?

[AreYouCallingMeDarling]

yep

up to 30 texts a day to number that I find out is another woman

Just friendship says he

hahahahaha

I am a regular btw. Just don't want my mum reading this and knowing it is me. Or anyone else I know

I feel so feckin stupid

It is the middle of the night and I probably won't get any answers. But that is fine

Just be a little wary in trusting the current texts between him and her. He could well have explained to her that he will need to appear disinterested and tell her that he doesnt love her to calm things between you and him.

Strange if the OW ok with that though so "fingers crossed" its the truth.

Go with it, try it, and see how you feel in a couple of months. Hope that it works out for you.

That does sound positive - especially the leaving his job. But again a word of warning he may just be saying that - it is the actions now that mean more.

I would also urge you to consider him moving jobs - i wish i had been more forceful (my h is now leaving his job but i wish we could have started our 'new' life much earlier.

Think about what you want from the relationship in the future - and again i am not sure i could be happy with my h working away from home so much.

This is a chance to make a really good marriage on new terms where you get to have some imput - think hard about what you want and go for it.

It can be done but it is hard and i personally think the more changes you can both make the better - as it will have to be a whole new relationship now.

I guess there will be a time when you decide to put it behind you and have a future together. Time will tell if you can live with what he has done, or if you are quizzing him every time his phone beeps for the next 10 years. I also think he should change his number.

You can forgive, but I'm not sure you ever forget. And if you can live with it, you can be happy again. And I really hope you are Good luck, you have been very dignified. Personally I'd have gone for the Screaming Banshee Wife approach

you could put it to the test by sending a text message on his mobile to her which says: "Looks like I may be resigning job. Thought you should know". If he does not have an opportunity to forewarn her then it would be interesting to see her reply.

I have only just seen this, and I am sorry thtat this is happening to you.
I dont know how I would react in this situation, I think I would be too weak to stay and too weak to leave if that makes any sense.
My friend recently found out through facebook some of the stuff her husband was up to, initally it just seemed like "sex through facebook chat" or phone sex, the more she dug, the more she found. Initially he told her it was nothing, but she was incredibly hurt to found out he'd created this secret account when she was in hospital having their third baby. She took him back, even when she was certain he'd met up with one of these girls and slept with them, but then he just made no effort whatsoever to keep their relationship going, and she threw him out when she found him texting women again.
She's by herself with three children, the youngest is not yet six months. She says that the minute she cut the ties, she felt stronger.
If you want to stay with him then he really needs to pull out all the stops to make you believe it, but to be backing it up as well - no point him just saying stuff to keep you happy, he has to prove he knows how much a twat he has been, that he'd never do it again.

I don't see how getting him to change his number would help.

When people say it is all very well saying the right thing but he has to back it up as well, what kind of thing do you think he should do?

One of the problems I have is that this has really hurt my self-esteem. I want some new well fitted expensive underwear, and I want to join the gym (from his money). I explained that I need my self-esteem to be less dependent on him so that if this does end I will be OK

I also was a bit theatrical on Saturday night. I explained that I need to know everything else that he can think of that he should tell me (hence the book). I rolled up my sleeve and said "it's like taking off a plaster" and ripped off the plaster from the bloodtaking at the GUM clinic. "it is easier to get it over and done with in one go, rather than slowly with an extra bit of pain each time". I also pointed out that if he thinks he is leaving anything out then he has to consider whether she will ever call me late one night when she is drunk, and tell me stuff I haven't already found out.

I have also been nice to him sometimes. I have given him hope that we can work this out. I have told him that is what I want, but that I can't be sure it will work / happen.

I have considered one bit of penance for him could be a live web chat with you all, and you could give him a good kicking as he has said he will do anything I ask of him

but maybe no man deserves that

YOu need to be nice to him sometimes. It doesn't sound to me that he's like some of these men I've known who are torn between lover whom they adore adn want to be with forever and wife they're bored with but daren't leave as they might lose the children. He sounds like he made a mistake and still wants to stay with you. If he were torn as a lot of people, male and female are, if they fall in love with a lover, then they can turn to the person who is reasonably nice to them (often the lover) than the battleground that is home.

It doesn't sound as though she meant much to him. My other friend who was torn between lover and wife (currently still with wife) has ruined the lives of his wife and his lover. In some ways given what he promised the lover I also felt sorry for the lover (easy enough to say when you're not involved of course) who has ended up with nothing, although she must have realised whatever he promised it was likely he wouldn't leave his wife as most people, male and female, don't. In his case he told his wife when she found the texts (and I suspect he wanted to be found out as didn't like the guilt and hiding things) that he ended it and yet he still saw the lover. Same with the married man I know whose children found his emails to his mistress on the PC. His wife thinks that's ended but every Friday afternoon he goes to see the mistress still during work hours. The latter is a long term adulterer who loves both women very much. The former could probably only love one person and nearly left his wife and is only staying now because of the children and not wanting to disrupt life, divorce etc - very different situations.

In terms of what he should do as he's very sorry I think he ought to have gone to the STD place with you. He should also get his own tests done. if he works with the woman (I can't remember if he does) then he or she should leave work/change jobs. One of the couples I mentioned baove went to counselling together but they were the sort of people who like to talk about these kinds of issues and not all people are that way inclined. Sometimes it's best to have a fresh start and not keep dwelling on it again and again (in 6 months when it's died down). I would also not tell anyone, family, friends etc as that makes it riskier and more real and harder to hold things together.

If he's ever been sexist then get some of that remedied now - my children's father and I always both worked full time but we had a very equal marriage at home, he was as likely to do the washing as I was etc. You can certainly use now to ensure fair division of tasks at home. one of the men above when he was trying to repair things with his wife before, he agreed to leave work on time at 5 every day even if his career was completely messed up, to be home with the family and that worked quite well and helped make him even closer to the chidlren.

Thanks Xenia.

He did want to come with me to the clinic, but there is no way that he could come home at the moment without being AWOL. He can't get to the clinic near him until Thursday. He is going then. I didn't want to wait until he was available to get tested. I need to know how bad it is as soon as I possibly can.

He works at the same base, but not with her. And will be moving a long way from her in Jan.

He has stated (sometimes very emotionally) that he does not want to be with her at all and is desperate to be with me, he wants to grow old with me, will do anything to make that happen.

He is not sexist - he can't help me much during the week but certainly pulls his weight at the weekend.

He said he wants to let me have a really long lie-in at the weekend. He will take the kids out and give me some peace.

Agree that it is too early to decide what you really want.
Metaphorically speaking he is in the stocks right now and you are chucking rotten vegetables at him (or worse )
There is a dynamic here which is very clear. He is the bastard, you are the wronged woman.

It is when that dynamic begins to shift that things get complicated, because if you do stay with him then you will have to find a way to treat him with love,trust and respect, and all the things that make for a successful fulfilling relationship (it goes without saying that you would need this from him too)
Otherwise you may want to punish him for the rest of his life, and miss the chance to be happy, either on your own or with someone else.

In time you will know whether you can forgive him. I am not saying you should btw, what he did was beyond wrong, and every name I could think of to call him has been said by other posters.
But for now look after yourself, and make sure that whatever you decide to do you end up in a position of strength and security, financially and emotionally.

I have been treating him with respect (MOST of the time). I have said nice things, such as "you may be a fuckwit, but I want to work out a way that you can stay with me and be my fuckwit, and that means just mine"

I have explained that I still love him

I have made him laugh

On the other hand I have also threatened to remove his testicles with a rusty spoon (knife would be too quick).

AYCMD, I didnt mean that you should be treating him with respect NOW. Or only if he is working bloody hard to earn it.

I hope it was a nervous laugh.
He should feel very lucky to have you.

Areyoucallingmedarling - I think you are handling this very well

It sounds like you want to forgive him and genuinely still love him.

I hope he realises how good a person you are, or at least seem.

respecting him and letting him off the hook are two different things

Respecting him as a (flawed)human being and respecting his actions are two different things.

If I just try to hurt him and hurt him and destroy who he is/was then I wouldn't want to keep him around anyway.

Also he has to be able to see the future with ME not some bitch-queen who makes him feel like shit all the time

You truly are a swan. I have so much admiration for you. I bet a year from now you two will be stronger than ever.

You are making him a better man, Darling. He will never forget what he did to you nor what you did for him.

AreYouCallingMeDarling, Here are the facts. He has cheated on you. I haven't read all the pages but I did read your initial post.
Do get all the texts (30 some in number?) and any photos sent.
He said he will do anything for you? Okay then...test this so you can decide where to go with this. You, not him.
Call this OW on it with him dealing the cards. If it is military, were they doing this on their work time? If so, then they can get rid of her. Yes, they are both guilty and if they want to be together then there isn't anything you can do about it but at least that way you can find out.
I have never liked having to get a man to commit. When he does for a year or 12 or a lifetime that is what it is supposed to be...a commitment, a contract, a partnership.
You have children and if it is a military or even a US job (don't know about the UK sorry) then he will be obligated to take care of you both regardless where his testicles stray.
He has been at this how long? How long has she been there?
This is important because if the two times are close then the possibility is either they have known each other longer OR he has done this before. Trust me...I know.
Give yourself some time away from him if possible. If you have joint accounts then make one for yourself and start putting some money in it. If he has an account or credit card with just his name then demand to see the records. You have to make sure you are being told everything not just what he thinks you need to know. Remember you had to catch him to have this come out.
If he refuses then you are either not being told everything or he is still seeing her.
As for her, maybe she thinks they are in love or maybe she is pregnant or maybe she is just one of those women that has to do a married man because it makes her feel she is so powerful. I don't know but you need to talk to her too. If he refuses then you still get a clear idea of what is going on. You still need a confrontation because they are going to be talking to each other...oh sure they aren't. Give yourself a break. They will be getting rid of whatever evidence they can. They are with a hand (and other body parts in the cookie jar and have probably thought about what to do if they got caught) you are however new to this. Those are facts my dear and I'm only saying that to protect you.
The rest is up to you but whatever you decide is also up to you. I don't know what you can put up with. You say you still love him but if you did that to him and he was as invested in you as vice versa what would the outcome be?
I feel badly that you not only have to think for just you but for your children too. Has he considered them? Don't think so. Many hugs and warm thoughts to you. As for your hubby and the trollop...they can rot.

Hi again Darling - I have been catching up and your comment about buying new clothes and especially underwear made me smile.

One of the first things I did, bearing in mind I had low self esteem, was overweight etc, was to open my underwear drawer and was disgusted with the state of everything and, of course pictured ow in the finest underwear etc. So I went out and replaced all my knickers, bras etc and I felt alot better.

I must have started a small buying surge because the two friends that I told, in a bit of a panic about the possibility of their dh's straying, also went out and bought new underwear

Go shop.....

From what's written it looks like a very good chance of it working out. When my friend's wife found out he felt very good, guilt relieved, all out in the open and she became really nice, very compliant sexually (after virtually never having sex) because she, the wife, wanted him to stay and he was torn (with the lover). That lasted about a month. Then the wife changed, all the resentment and not sure if she really could put it behind them etc came out. So I suppose with some people lit goes in phases how they feel adn no one can predict how they will feel.

If he really isn't; in love with this other woman then I doubt it's really that important, sex isn't always important although I know most people think it is. Much more betraying to spend hours talking to someone and fall in love with her than sex which didn't mean much and much more likely to break a marriage if he's pining to be in the arms of the one he really loves. Doesn't sound like he loves the other one and wants her at all but it's conduct which shows what people thinm not words. If he really wants the other one he'll be in touch with her a lot. If you want to be checking up on in pretty easy to get people followed, install key stroke software on the home PC etc

Wehaveallbeenthere - sorry but that is not the way I want to play it. He does have to - and has - given me access to his phone, bill, account etc etc. If i report her I report him and so his job is also at risk. That risks my children's futures as well. We are not terribly well off.

Thanks. But no.

She is not pregnant. And I have rung her a couple of times. She has just told me she is sorry that is all

I am 4 years on from where you are now.

My OH stayed, he wanted to work things out and she meant nothing etc. etc.

You have been given great advice on here. One things to add, I can honestly say that the hurting/aching feeling you may have in the pit of your stomach atm will go.

Best of luck for the future.

I wouldnt give him a kicking - the best thing is if he does that himself and every now and then tells you. That is what my h does.

It will never go away and you will both have to learn to live with it from now on. Try and do that as much together as you can but i know how hard it is to do sometimes as you just want to be alone and know you are strong to survive alone.

He has done a bad thing and you do not have to forgive him for that - but you must also not punish him forever for it either.

Good luck

AYCMD, I hope things work out well for you and your children. Regardless of how you want to "play it", I just wish you hadn't had to "catch him" rather he had come clean on his own.
It's the same story over and over. Best to you dear.

Right - off for some results from Clinic

It's obviously a very difficult situation to deal with and will only be resolved over time.

You do love each other and you both want to make it work. There are many reasons you might want to stay together, not least that you do love each other, but also because of the children and because of a myriad of social, practical and financial reasons. And no-one wants to fail at a marriage.

But something that HW said: 'My fear is that my h is staying for the wrong reasons (although i do think he is not clever enough to keep up such a pretence for a long time). He will often say he is scared of losing everything as he came so close before - but i would rather hear he is here out of his utter love for me not fear.'

And I agree with MadameOvary: 'It is when that dynamic begins to shift that things get complicated, because if you do stay with him then you will have to find a way to treat him with love,trust and respect, and all the things that make for a successful fulfilling relationship (it goes without saying that you would need this from him too)
Otherwise you may want to punish him for the rest of his life, and miss the chance to be happy, either on your own or with someone else.'

My friend's father had an affair about 35 years ago. Her mother has never fully forgiven him. They are old now and unwell. Maybe they didn't talk about it enough at the time but my friend hates the bitterness of the situation, the arguments about other things that are really about the affair which is not spoken of. The way her mother has always confided in her and she doesn't want to hear it. She never wanted to take sides. She wishes they had separated years ago.

You have just found out and both you and he are upset. It seems that he definitely wants to stay with you, which is a relief, and he is desperate right now to make amends. But it is when this first phase ends that things get difficult. And it all comes down to whether it is possible to rebuild the trust and respect between you.

Hopefully he is just a 'fuckwit' who was just greedy or dealing with some insecurity he had or working out some issue in your marriage that he should have spoken to you about.

It sounds as if the other woman and he were just using each other and that the attachment is not very great.

I agree that he has to tell you everything now in return for you giving him a chance to mend this. Why did he do this (apart from the obvious reason - because he could)?

In your place, I would have to be careful of what HW has said: Is he staying with me because he loves me and can't bear to lose me (it was just a silly mistake) or does he want to stay with me because he can't separate 'it' from me - the children, the house, the finances, the lifestyle, the social circle, the nice settled social status. (I think Xenia has quoted one of her friends as saying that he'd like to keep everything the same, just to swap the wife for the lover.)

If it is the latter, you would have to ask yourself over time whether you can, or should, tolerate that and whether it is really the best thing for your family. In your place, I would ask him which it is and see how he answers. Given what you have found out so far, hopefully his answer will be spontaneous and reassuring and will encourage you to move forward.

If not, then you would have to dig deeper to understand what has gone wrong, if anything.

The obvious thing is to see it as 'boys will be boys' and you will forgive him providing he is really sorry and doesn't do it again. But you really would want to make sure it is just that. That the affair is not ongoing. That he hasn't done it before. That he doesn't think that, once the coast is clear and things have settled down, he can do it again.

Also that You are not wanting to save the marriage just because of those same reasons of the social stigma of divorce, the children, fear of being alone/single parent, the house, finances, etc.. These may seem very important right now but they may not be adequate consolation for you if the trust between you and him cannot be rebuilt.

It does sound hopeful though.

skyatnight - you are right in that it is important to not make every problem 'the affair' which is very hard to do. I was also determined not to be bitter and carry it around for the rest of my life. Again this is hard.

I have found my own happiness/contentment with life. I am not happy about what happened but i am now happy with how i control my life, and i do believe i am staying with my h because he adds to my life - but i dont need him and i will no longer tolerate being treated the way i was before.

It is a better relationship in so many ways - i would not reccomend it as a solution but it does not have to mean the end - but it does have to mean the begining of the new marriage.