it happens so often on here, but I opened his mobile bill by accident and guess what?

[AreYouCallingMeDarling]

yep

up to 30 texts a day to number that I find out is another woman

Just friendship says he

hahahahaha

I am a regular btw. Just don't want my mum reading this and knowing it is me. Or anyone else I know

I feel so feckin stupid

It is the middle of the night and I probably won't get any answers. But that is fine

Yeah but it's safe, isn't it?

You don't have to be alone, contemplating where you went wrong, reflecting on changing etc because here's someone else who seems to accept you for what you are. Except they don't really know what you are.

Yes that's it completely. So spineless.

I know but men and women do it. When you have a real conversation with a real person who is planning it it's difficult. Another friend (God knows why there men confide in me, presumably because I listen and don't slap them in the face) was torn between mistress and lover earlier this year and telling me about it. In fact more torn between the dilemma of losing his children and losing his lover. At the moment there is a chance he will lose all three - wife, lover and children. His ideal would be same house, same children but replacing the lover for the wife.

And let's not forget David Blunkett's married lover - she even foisted Blunkett's child on her husband - some people love their spouse so much they'll even accept another person's child and still stay married.

Pramspotter "I am very sexist and don't think that men can love or have complex and unselfish emotions like a woman can"

unfortunately I think you're wrong.

But - I think AreYouCallingMeDarling doesn't need all uf us theorising the whys and wherefores. She needs support iin whatever decision she makes.

I have come to much the same conclusions/philosophy about men as Pramspotter but admittedly I have been through some serious crap (as Lapin puts it) to end up feeling that way.

And I am sexist but I do also believe there are exceptions - men who love deeply and men who put their principles and morals and the welfare of others before their own cheap satisfaction. Also, men who are not angels but who are sensible enough to look ahead and realise that cheap thrills may not be worth it in the long run compared to what may be lost.

Also agree that women are capable of behaving as badly as men.

But I have had my trust broken badly twice (some of it must have been partly my fault) and I just don't want to go through it again. Which is sad and a bit Country&Western-inspired cliched-pathetic-melodramatic but there you go.

Until it happens to you, it is hard to fully appreciate how it can warp your mind. Cynicism about men then becomes a self-protection mechanism. But, as there is a lot of it about, you can never be sure when it will affect you. A relative of mine seemed to live a charmed life, husband, five children, successful careers, etc.. Then he ran off with her best friend and left her to live out her retirement on her own.

AYCMD hope you are holding up, it is really hard. Be kind to yourself, it is a really difficult time for you. I have just been through similar and you need to let yourself off the hook if you dont feel like doing things. I had one day when nobody went to school because I couldnt be arsed to get them all out of bed we all watched tv all day in our jimjams. Dont worry about the food, I couldnt eat a thing at first and lost nearly a stone, now look fab btw appetite will come back. just give yourself the space and time to feel sad and think about what you really want. Thinking od you..

AYCMD, hope you are ok this morning and have someone to look after you this weekend. Thinking of you x

(Xenia - they confide in you because you are interested in their stories )

This weekend will be very hard for you especially whilst you wait for your results but come Monday and you will have got over another hurdle. It is very hard though I sobbed on the train on the way home even though the test results were clear. Nothing like a visit to the clap clinic to confirm the awful reality of adultery Hope it helps to come on here. It helped me a lot. Also the Glam and Fab thread is very supportive. Take care xx

Darling,
I first came to MN about 5 years ago when I was desperate to speak to real people who'd been through what I was going through and I am so grateful for the support I found at that time that although I don't post often now I always feel compelled to do so when I see another cheating dh story.

I'm still with my dh and I can honestly say we are closer and stronger now having surrvived the awful trauma of his affair with a work colleague.
I knew nothing of it until he told me (because her dh had found out and was threatening to come and enlighten me!)He told me "I've got close to someone at work I think I love her but I love you too!" He told me then it had only gone as far as kissing- I believed him ( he lied and continued to lie for about 6 months, he'd had and still continued a full sexual affair with this woman even after he told me!!!!!!!)

He was at the time a complete cheating lieing decieving bastard who deserved to be thrown out and never thought of again. However he was my dh (of 16 years- been a couple for 20 at that time)he was my lover, my best friend the man I was totally lost to and we had 3 fantastic children with 20 years together of a great life.......It took me weeks to totally take in what he'd done. It took me years to trust him again but we did come through it, it is possible but not easy. The year after he told me was the most painful of my life but I knew what i wanted was to save us. I knew that despite his year of "losing the plot" what we'd had most people never even get close to so I knew even though he couldn't see it at the time that I wanted to fight for us and that he didn't really want what he had with her.

I learned that affairs are about escapism, they are a fantasy world and often what he's escaping from has nothing to do with your relationship - it's something in him. At the moment he's still in that fantasy as reality is only just hitting.
My dh says now he can't belive he risked so much for so little - at the time he couldn't see that- I could. So I had to be strong for both of us as he was pathetic and weak. He's now so grateful that I was as he knows he nearly through away all that was dear to him.

Darling only you know if your relationship is worth that fight know one else can really say what you should do. I learned I didn't have to forgive him- I did have to make sense of it and move on and that only started to happen when he woke up, put himself in counselling and faced up to what he'd done. then lots of painful honest talking from both of us.

It sounds as if your dh isn't there yet- he's still in his fanatsy and making it worse every day. Ypu are strong and you are not a bad person to think about trying to make this work. Take time to grieve and make him face the realities. Good luck honey. He will one day realise what he's risking I just hope it's not too late!

Yes, plenty of marriages survive affairs of both wives and husbands if there's the will to do so on both sides. If you're not with a serial adulterer then this may be only time it ever happens. If you are then if you let him stay then some people take that as licence to do what they like in future, but discreetly. Some people tolerate it even - I was talkig to someone last week who for about 20 years of their marriage his wife apparently (he might have been lying) encouraged him to see other women as she never wanted sex ever and she wanted them to stay married. Another person I know of he has a female married lover and he, the male lover is known to the family and even attends family events and her husband tolerates it. Not what I would like but people do have different arrangements from the norm quite often.

Been away for the weekend. Concentrating on children at this particular moment in time.

Will be back for updates.... later

Sorry not had time to read all since I went away on Friday afternoon, but really appreciate the help you have all given me

Hope you are OK and getting through this.

I hope you had a good time away and that you are getting through to your dh about what shit he has been putting you through. Stay strong.

Dh has no choice as to whether to be with me - he has a duty to do that you cannot get out of in his job (I nearly joked with him that they would let him home if I was in a car crash, but that would have been unfair - he has been the unfair one not me)

He did manage to visit me at my parents' house this weekend. We have moved forward I think.

He is the one of the best things in my life for the last 12 years.

However. We have some rules. He has said that he will do absolulely anything. I am working on what that will be

I mean that he could not come home and physically be with me in my first sentence

she sent him a text at the weekend

I watching highlander, wish u wr hr wth me"

He replied "don't text me any more"

She said "I wsnt going 2 sorry. That is the big goodby thn" or something like that

he sent her "I love my wife, I never loved you"

from her - "I know that you never had any feelings for me. Sorry"

as I said before in a post, been through similar. first of all, good that you have taken some time out away to try and concentrate on you and the kids etc.

Your being very brave and strong so when you feel like utter crap remember that!

I do think in view of the texts this weekend you could do with dh getting a new number or swapping phones like someone else suggested. We didnt initially becuase I wanted to show trust etc etc like you, but when the OW kept texting we decided to. we swapped phones so that the texts came directly to me, but I would of said number change was better.

We did that in the end and ultimately it was my exh downfall as I found texts on there after the number change, which clearly meant he himself gave her the new number. But he wasnt making the putting it right noises that your hubby is.

I just think a number change takes away that sick to the pit of your stomach feeling your going to get every single time his phone beeps!

she sounds vile. did he show you those texts? is that definitely what he wrote back?

hope you are ok.

Is this the first time he has cheated?

he showed me the texts.

and yes this is the first time he has cheated (I say that with as much confidence as anyone can)

Off to bed

Hi hun, I really do feel for you

hecate, you summed up my exact feelings perfectly, I just wish my h could hear me and understand when I try to say the same thing to him

I'm almost 3 yrs down the line and I still feel like WhirlingStirling. I've tried to hard to put it all behind me and move on but it's so fookin' hard.

I felt I'd got over the worst of it and it's not been all bad but there's still a very big part of me that wishes I'd been stronger at the time and just kicked his cheating arse out the door and never took him back. I've mellowed or weakened over time and now I just don't have the will or the energy to fight for anything.

I too wished h had fought tooth and nail for me and our relationship but I don't feel he did in the slightest. I was just so devastated and thrown into turmoil at the time that I didn't know if I was on my head or my arse and felt working at the marriage was the best thing to do for us and our dc.

I don't even know if I love my h anymore and feel trapped that I now feel I have no other option but to plod on till all the dc are older and left home.

Many couples can and do work through this and come out the other side stronger. It helps if you can talk together. My h would never talk about it and when asked why he gave the excuse that he was too ashamed and it hurt him too much - hurt him? how the fookin' hell does he think I felt

I was told the same as you that they where just friends and nothing sexual took place. I'll never know if that was the truth or not. I honestly don't think there was sex involved when he was caught out but I have no doubt had it gone on longer and I hadn't known it would have become more serious.

I was told lie after lie after lie, first he'd kissed her once, then it was just a peck on the cheek, then no kiss at all. He loved her, then he didn't, then he didn't know how he felt, then she was just a friend and enjoyed her company. He wasn't sure if he wanted me anymore, then he did want me. All this still goes round my head and won't allow me to move on or trust him again.

I wish you all the luck in the world and hope whatever you decide to do works out for you (((hugs)))

Oh nono dear. You have now opened the Pandora's box so be prepared to toss it in the air and empty it of all the nastys. Firstly, get copies of all his emails, photos etc. You may need them later.
Secondly, find out as much as you can about this "other woman" as she is probably also married.
Thirdly, get yourself tested for STDs starting with chlamydia as it is the most common and the little trollop probably gave it to you via the hubby.
Gird yourself for battle because it is coming.

Good idea about the rules - and dont worry too much if they 'change' from time to time - you are not to know what you may need in the future.

Is he willing to go to counselling?

My fear is that my h is staying for the wrong reasons (although i do think he is not clever enough to keep up such a pretence for a long time). He will often say he is scared of losing everything as he came so close before - but i would rather hear he is here out of his utter love for me not fear.

It can work but you need to start with a clean slate and get rid of all those demons that could come back to haunt you in the future. For me that would mean finding out as much as i could about them both and even asking him if there were anything else in the past. This is hard for both of you, and i think the problem many have is they are too scared of hurting each other futher.

Anyway good luck - you will be stronger because of this even if he doesnt feel it yet.

He understands that he made it all worse by not telling the full truth straight away. He has said that he will do anything I want.

He has offered to leave his job.

He has a little book to fill in if there is anything that he hasn't told me that he should.

I have asked him to think about the future and where he wants to be in 6 months or 12 months time.