Page 9 | How can you tell if your DH/DP is having an affair?

HelpMNINeedYou · 2008-09-20T20:50:33+00:00

What are the 'give aways' of someone having an affair? I have had some slightly suspicious feelings for a while now about DH and a person he works with. (I will call her X for now) I have never had cause to not trust him before and TBH I don't have cause to not trust him now. *BUT* .......things don't feel right with regards to X. There are many things like this that I am adding up and maybe I am coming to the wrong answer but I have *NEVER* felt like this at all in the 11 years we have been together (Married for 4 years)

LittleWeePickle · 22/09/2008 20:45

I think it's very unwise to give up college - you seem to be making all the sacrifices in terms of self esteem, independence etc.

Why can't he give up ONE evening a week for the sake of your relationship? I'm a bit concerned that you're being a wee bit of a doormat.

He feels pushed out? He IS out - several nights per week. Perhaps he could give up another night a week to let YOU go out and let off steam with your mates - he has friends, you don't seem to have much social life. Then he would know what it's like to be home alone with a LO.

Please don't apologise to him for the way you feel - you have every right to feel this way.

Original poster

HelpMNINeedYou · 22/09/2008 20:54

Oh I don't feel like a doormat, DH has always been sociable, I don't have any close friends here they all moved away (lucky buggers ) but I am not a going out gal TBH. I prefer to stay at home and chill out. I think DH realizes I have given up a lot for him and DD. I just think that maybe he doesn't see it the way I do.

I'm not making sense am I.

I would like to say that he appreciates me, but to an extent I don't think he does which is something we are going to have to work on.

I tell him all the time that I love him and that I appreciate him working his butt off at work so that I can stay at home with DD.

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Original poster

HelpMNINeedYou · 22/09/2008 20:54

Oh I don't feel like a doormat, DH has always been sociable, I don't have any close friends here they all moved away (lucky buggers ) but I am not a going out gal TBH. I prefer to stay at home and chill out. I think DH realizes I have given up a lot for him and DD. I just think that maybe he doesn't see it the way I do.

I'm not making sense am I.

I would like to say that he appreciates me, but to an extent I don't think he does which is something we are going to have to work on.

I tell him all the time that I love him and that I appreciate him working his butt off at work so that I can stay at home with DD.

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Original poster

HelpMNINeedYou · 22/09/2008 20:55

I don't know what happened there

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anyfucker · 22/09/2008 20:55

Hoorayyyy!!! What did I tell you!! Well, not just me, some other sensible MN types too lol

However, you will be a better, more interesting person if you have something that is yours eg. your college course. Three hours/week is not too much to ask.

Now you have opened up some lines of communication I think you need to talk some more. I would say he has everything his own way at the moment. He must give up one thing a week and you could devise a plan together to work on your relationship. Even if it is a home-cooked meal (by him!) with a couple of glasses of wine when dd is in bed.

Make a pact to speak about things other than dd on that night.

Don't let your relief make you continue to settle for things the way they are, because you were drifting and you don't want to be in the same situation a few months from now.

All the best!!

Original poster

HelpMNINeedYou · 22/09/2008 21:10

Do you think I would be out of line to ask my mum and dad to have DD overnight of Friday and meet DH out for a drink after he has finished work. Maybe go for a meal and then back home for some 'us' time

I don't want to make him mad by asking my mum and dad to babysit, especially when he seems so against it.

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Leoness · 22/09/2008 21:11

God I'm so pleased you feel better more positive.

It does seem obvious who should be giving something up to me! - perhaps you can work on that another day.

Well done for being assertive

best of luck
xx

Ohforfoxsake · 22/09/2008 21:22

Overnight might be a bit much the first time? Love the idea of meeting him after work, though.

And where is he now? Shouldn't you be making purring noises to him?

Am really pleased for you. You have made me feel more positive about my own situation

Original poster

HelpMNINeedYou · 22/09/2008 21:31

ohforfoxsake (I love your name BTW ) he is sat next to me watching his Iron Man Blu Ray. I am Mn'ing, I think purring noises would be too much for the situation at the moment but I can wait till he is ready (If I have too)

I hope you are able to begin to resolve your situation. there has been some great advice on this thread I hope you and others who need it can use it as well as me.

MN is great for that, I cannot believe how many responses I have had to this thread. Such wonderful support from people I don't even know, makes me happy.

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BEAUTlFUL · 22/09/2008 21:35

glad you feel happier.

but hold on... Piano, guitar, friends, plus 2 or 3 karate lessons... Is he out every night? Did you address this in the chat?

You're making all the effort in this relationship. Can't he plan a night out for you both, especially now he knows you're feeling a bit unloved and insecure?

Did you mention that girl from his office, or the facebook page?

Basically, all he did was complain that you are not giving him your undivided attention, because you are too busy raising his daughter! And now you're planning to organise a romantic meal for him?

It's nice that he said he loves you more than ever, but by no means is that enough for you to give up your 3 measley hours of freedom! Did he even mention sacrificing soime of his social life to spend time together?

BEAUTlFUL · 22/09/2008 21:35

glad you feel happier.

but hold on... Piano, guitar, friends, plus 2 or 3 karate lessons... Is he out every night? Did you address this in the chat?

You're making all the effort in this relationship. Can't he plan a night out for you both, especially now he knows you're feeling a bit unloved and insecure?

Did you mention that girl from his office, or the facebook page?

Basically, all he did was complain that you are not giving him your undivided attention, because you are too busy raising his daughter! And now you're planning to organise a romantic meal for him?

It's nice that he said he loves you more than ever, but by no means is that enough for you to give up your 3 measley hours of freedom! Did he even mention sacrificing soime of his social life to spend time together?

anyfucker · 22/09/2008 21:36

I am inclined to agree...

BEAUTlFUL · 22/09/2008 21:37

Sorry that came out twice. Once was probably more than enough.

beanieb · 22/09/2008 21:37

So glad you have managed to talk to him and are working to find ways to connect more. I think you need to get him to shifhis attitude towards your parents babysitting, it is surely an ideal way to free up time for you both and stop him feeling so pushed out all in one go.

anyfucker · 22/09/2008 21:38

but hopefully helpMN can go forward more positively now she is not sending herself ker-azeee with mental images of divorce and shared rearing of her dd.......

Original poster

HelpMNINeedYou · 22/09/2008 21:48

No we didn't discuss how much he does and that I feel he should give something up to help free some time up for us. I don't want to mention anything about X yet, I am going to bide my time and see how things go now that he has some idea of how I have been feeling.

I understand why he feels pushed out, I don't agree that he should feel pushed out but he does so I am going to do as much as I can to address that for him. DD is however my first and formost reponsibility. DD has been unwell for a few days now and is teething, she has what looks like the beggining of chicken pox to me and on top of that I have housework and college work to do and dogs to walk 3 times a day so yes I am a little busy. DH knows how busy I am, but I don't think he understands how busy I am.

Also don't get me wrong DH does 50% of the housework as I am not a pushover, he knows if it hasn't been done then I have had a particularly bad day.

He is a good husband and an excellent dad. It is so hard being a SAHM, I found it easier when I worked full time. I would love to get a part time job but then DD would have to go to my parents house while I am working and he doesn't want that.

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Original poster

HelpMNINeedYou · 22/09/2008 21:53

I am tired now (exhausted actually) I am going to bed now. Thank you all for your help, reassurance, advice and kick up the bum

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BEAUTlFUL · 22/09/2008 21:55

Does he have any suggestion as to who would make a suitable babysitter then? Why doesn't he want your DD to go to her grandparents? Would he honestly prefer her to go to a nursery or childminder than her GPs?

bellabelly · 22/09/2008 22:21

TBH, if I were you, I'd arrange with your parents to take DD for the evening (not overnight to start with - build it up slowly and let him see that they are ACE baysitters) and book a restaurant. Tell him you are meeting him straight from work / arrange to meet in a bar. Just do it. Enjoy a lovely time as a couple. Show him how much fun it is to have the grandparents babysitting. Let him suggest doing it more often!

Totally agree with what others have said that a) you should not be apologisng and b) your 3 hours of college time makes you a more independent and interesting person.

You say you are a homebody and I am like that too BUT on the rare occasions I do out without DH, I LOVE it and come back feeling appier, more confident, more like ME. As opposed to just half of a couple iykwim. I think making an effort to get to know more people in your own right (maybe from your college course) and having a bit of a social life would be a really good thing for you.

Original poster

HelpMNINeedYou · 23/09/2008 07:57

I really do not know why he doesn't want her to go to my parents house. He knows that we can trust them 100% and they will do as we ask with regards to DD. I know, as does he, that his parents would not. MIL has admitted to me many times that she left DH (only child) alone to pop to the shops for fags from him being newborn upwards . So I am really not comforatble with DD going there, not that PIL would ever babysit anyway.

I would love to socialize more with people from college and what not but it is never going to happen. I am just so shy and introverted when meeting new people. Hence the reason I can count my friends on one hand, but I trust all of them with my life.

I worked it out last night that all of his hobbies, not including drinking comes to £48.00 a week no wonder we are struggling. I am going to be speaking to him tonight about maybe dropping his music lessons to one a week as opposed to 2 a week and maybe get karate down to once or twice a week.

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anyfucker · 23/09/2008 08:17

good for you

in this day and age (credit crunch an all that), we all have to look at how we are spending our money

a partnership is just that, shouldn't be one-sided

HappyWoman · 23/09/2008 08:21

careful now though - you dont want to think you are 'telling' him what to do.

Funny about the babysitting though especially as he says he is left out .

I know from bitter experince that it is vital you have a common interest that is more than the dc.

How would he be if you suggested you join him just to watch karate for a while just so you could spend some time together and maybe have more to talk about.

Original poster

HelpMNINeedYou · 23/09/2008 08:38

I couldn't think ofa anything more boring than watch him do karate, but I suppose if it makes him happy I will, we could go out for a drink afterwards. But it would still require having a babysitter for DD as she will not be quiet.

I don't want to tell him what to do, but while I am buying basics food ranges just to make sure that we can eat and he is spending #48.00 on non essential items then I am affraid I am going to have to. Also that is not inluding the #25.00-#30.00 once a week at least he spends on going out for a drink with his friends. There I am in desperate need of a new pair of shoes as I only have sandles and on pair of shoes with holes in, all because we cant afford another pair for me. I have been trawling the charity shops for something suitable.

So no I don't want to tell him what to do and TBH I shouldn't have to tell him, he should see it and deal with it, but he is not so I will have to.

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HappyWoman · 23/09/2008 09:07

Sorry i am not suggesting that you are 'telling' him what to do - i was merely saying that given the generally 'selfish' nature of men unless they come up with the solution in the first place they do tend to get defensive.

I remember my h (just before the affair) being a bit like yours - he acused me of abandoning him - we have 4 dc so there is little time for him at the best of times.
I also remember him not jumping at the chance to go out - and putting barriers in the way - and then when the affair was discovered it was my fault for not giving him all the attention he needed .

If he is saying he is feeling a bit unloved at the moment then he may well also think you are trying to 'force' him to give up the things he loves and it could build up even more resentment.

I do think you are right btw - he should really be coming up with these suggestions himself anyway. You are caught between a rock and a hard place.

Original poster

HelpMNINeedYou · 23/09/2008 09:13

Thanks happywoman, as of yet I havn't spoken to him about giving anything up.

He does need to realize though that if he wants t spend more time with me then he needs to give something up (money as a side issue) and he also needs to realize that we need a babysitter if we are to do anything away from DD.

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