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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How can you tell if your DH/DP is having an affair?

266 replies

HelpMNINeedYou · 20/09/2008 21:50

What are the 'give aways' of someone having an affair?

I have had some slightly suspicious feelings for a while now about DH and a person he works with. (I will call her X for now)

I have never had cause to not trust him before and TBH I don't have cause to not trust him now. BUT .......things don't feel right with regards to X.

There are many things like this that I am adding up and maybe I am coming to the wrong answer but I have NEVER felt like this at all in the 11 years we have been together (Married for 4 years)

OP posts:
anyfucker · 22/09/2008 15:10

That sounds great, helpMN.

Not too heavy.

A walk is great for clearing the head aint it.

May I suggest one glass of wine this evening? Just to loosen your tongue and unwind you a little?.

Good luck my dear.

everlong · 22/09/2008 15:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BitOfFun · 22/09/2008 15:13

Yep, that sounds much more like the way to go - good luck x

Original poster
HelpMNINeedYou · 22/09/2008 15:27

Thank you all for the virtual slap and for giving me a kick up the bum to get my head on properly.

I think I had convinced myself that he doesn't love me and was looking at it all from a very dark and horrible perspective. I love DH to bits and I love the life we have forged together and I want to work to save that.

OP posts:
Lizzylou · 22/09/2008 15:28

Best of luck, you'll feel better once you have addressed the issue.

LittleOneMum · 22/09/2008 16:30

I just want to say good luck too! Have been following your thread and feel sad for you. Take care. x

HappyWoman · 22/09/2008 16:33

good luck

Hope it all goes well.

One word of warning thouh is if their is an affair going on he is not going to own up to it - and as i have now learnt men will tell you the minimum they can get away with.

However heres hoping its just that he is a bit down and you can move on.

Let us know how it goes.

Dior · 22/09/2008 16:49

Message withdrawn

Themasterandmargaritas · 22/09/2008 16:53

Good luck, thinking of you this evening.

Finbar · 22/09/2008 17:04

Really wish you good luck . keep calm.
I ahve to agree with Happy Woman -that is ther is anythign going on he is unlikley to own up to it.
I f you still have doubts..then you may need to be more devious and you don't sound like that will come easy to you. Sadly it came very easy to me and I found all I needed to know on his phone and his emails.

Bu t you have no proof yet - this could all be expalined away and you will be reassured - I am keeping my fingers crossed for you

minko · 22/09/2008 17:14

Best of luck.

Sorry to say, for my experience, I don't think your instincts are getting it wrong.

My ex swore black and blue that there was nothing between him and a girl, he even got angry with me about my paranoia. It was only when he'd summoned the courage to leave me and move her in (!) that he admitted everything. Pitiful really. I was heartbroken and have never trusted anyone in the same way since - and that was over a decade ago...

debzmb62 · 22/09/2008 17:16

good luck matey be strong and i think it goes to say were thinking of you tonight

anyfucker · 22/09/2008 17:16

minko, I am sorry you had a bad experience, but at the moment we are looking on the bright side for the OP

minko · 22/09/2008 17:33

OK, well the quickest way to repair a relationship is good honest talking. I think it's quite common that relationships go a bit awry after having a baby and communication is the only way through it.

As I said best of luck.

HappyWoman · 22/09/2008 18:26

The main thing is that you get your mind put to rest and if he is willing to do that then it is good.
Get what you need out of the talk and hopefully you will feel so much better tomorrow - just dont come away feeling you have been fobed off at all.

muckypups · 22/09/2008 19:39

Hope all goes well. Were all thinking of you. Good Luck, be strong, im sure all will be well xx

Ohforfoxsake · 22/09/2008 19:56

Good luck, thinking of you tonight

Original poster
HelpMNINeedYou · 22/09/2008 20:13

Thank you, all of you for your advice and slaps .

I have talked to DH and all is well with the world once more Well things need working on but it is so much better than I had played it through in my messed up head.

I basically started by asking him if he was okay as he has seemed a bit distant recently, and did he have anything he would like to talk about.
He said no he was fine but I could see that he wanted to get something off his chest. I didn't want to push it so I moved the convo forward a little to how lonely I feel at the mo. He seemed to open up a bit more and he confessed that he has been feeling a bit pushed out for the last couple of months. That I seem to be giving all my attention to DD. DD is good but very willful and commands everyone's complete attention (that is 10 month old's for you )

I apologized and told him that DD has been taking up all of my energy just lately. I also promised to try to free up some time to spend together just him and me. I may have to leave my college course as I honestly cant think of any other time that I can spare TBH. I will think more about it tomorrow as my head is kinda full right now.

I also went on to tell him that he has become a little distant towards me lately and that I don't get to see a lot of him what with work and all of his hobbies We struggle to find the time with each other.

I told him that I feel unloved and I was worried that he no longer loves me, he told me not to be so daft and he loves me more than he ever did

It is still going to take lots of working out and hard work from both of us but I am sure everything will work out.

OP posts:
Original poster
HelpMNINeedYou · 22/09/2008 20:15

Gawd you don't know how free I feel now.

OP posts:
spicemonster · 22/09/2008 20:20

So glad to hear that

More than anything, I think this shows how very important talking is in relationships

But I wonder if it would be better if he gives up something as well as/instead of your college course? It does sound like he does loads of stuff as well as being a WOHD and I think it's pretty important that there is compromise/acceptance that you both have a part to play.

Very best of luck to you both - I really hope you can continue the dialogue now it's started.

Original poster
HelpMNINeedYou · 22/09/2008 20:29

SM, that is what we are gonna have to work on, I don't want to leave college, but if it comes down to college or my marriage then their is no contest.

My only worry is that apart from college I have NOTHING that is just for me ever. Everything I do is for/with DD and for us as a family and I enjoy my 3 hours a week at college. Pathetic isn't it.

I don't want to push him into giving up a hobby or some if his downtime, but he has so much more time to himself despite being a WOHD. He goes karate twice (sometime 3 times) a week, a guitar and a piano lesson each week at least once a week out with friends, he is starting a night time course on Wednesday also.

I'm not saying that everything has suddenly resolved itself tonight but we have made a start and I am sure we will both find it easier to open up a convo if we need to.

It is going to take a lot of hard work.
If I am honest I am a little peeved (not telling DH that though) that he feels pushed out with regards to DD, when he wont agree to my mum and dad babysitting occasionally.

OP posts:
everlong · 22/09/2008 20:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ohforfoxsake · 22/09/2008 20:36

I am so pleased for you.

I think you'd be wise keeping up your college course. It is the only thing for you. He could do karate one night a week surely?

Also, it keeps a sense of equilibrium and independence. And gives you an interest outside of the home - don't underestimate the importance of being seen as a person in your own right.

I think you handled this brilliantly. Gotta love MN

bellabelly · 22/09/2008 20:38

Definitely do NOT give up your college course! Let him realise for himself (or with some nudging from you) that HE needs to find the time somehow!

Original poster
HelpMNINeedYou · 22/09/2008 20:43

I handled it okay in the end, but only after much help (and slaps) from MN, TBH I couldn't have done it without MN as a sounding board IYSWIM.

DH couldn't possibly do karate once a week I am thinking of asking him to maybe have a piano lesson one week and a guitar lesson another week instead of both in one week. TBH we really cant afford for him to keep having both in one week anyway so I feel like this may be a good compromise, what do you think.

I would ask my mum and dad to babysit and I know they would do so in a heart beat but DH seems reluctant to let them. It is not even like I don't let PIL babysit, DH has asked but they say no. Which TBH I am happy about as I don't trust PIL to look after her properly, but I would never say that to DH though.

OP posts:
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