How can you tell if your DH/DP is having an affair?

[HelpMNINeedYou]

What are the 'give aways' of someone having an affair?

I have had some slightly suspicious feelings for a while now about DH and a person he works with. (I will call her X for now)

I have never had cause to not trust him before and TBH I don't have cause to not trust him now. BUT .......things don't feel right with regards to X.

There are many things like this that I am adding up and maybe I am coming to the wrong answer but I have NEVER felt like this at all in the 11 years we have been together (Married for 4 years)

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Oh god I do sound awful don't I, I didn't realize that it sounded acusatroy The reason I put the stuff in about DD is because I know what he is like and he will be worried that I wont let him see DD if we did split so he will say anything to stay togther IYSWIM, despite maybe not wanting to stay togther.

I will take that part out for now.
I need to do it with a letter for now as I just cant bring myself to start the convo about it all. I am too emotional, at least with a letter I can re read it, edit etc it as I am doing IYSWIM.

I agree with BitOfFun. Keep your dd out of it. This is about your relationship.

I know that you want to reassure him you would never keep them apart so that he can be honest with you, but if he knows you well (and you sound lovely btw), he should know this.

All the best of luck, and be strong. You obviously cannot go on like this, something needs to change even if your worst fears are not realised.

Let us know how you get on.

It was my idea cod I am a coward when it comes to things like this.

I think even if I don't give him the letter I need to get in down on paper to help myself.

TBH right now I could just walk away from the whole thing.

nooooo, you are blowing this up so much

calm down

at the moment, I see a relationship that is drifting and gone a bit stale

I do not see anything else yet, you are putting ideas into your own head woman!

What without even trying?

Relationships need work you know!

I think a virtual slap might be in order here

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voila!

Now I agree
Calm down
Try and think rationally

Take a few deep breaths, get it down on paper and talk to your DH.
Stop panicking and worrying. As AF says, it's just gone a bit stale and you both need to work on it.

You are feeling fraught and working yourself up. It really isn't necessarily that bad at all. Anyfucker can see that [ink]

, even...

More like a virtual punch in the face, sorry I am just feeling sorry for myself and it doesn't help anyone does it.

It has stopped raining now so I am going to take DD out for a walk to feed the ducks and to get some fresh air for myself, hopefuly I will come back with a better head on my shoulders.

Thanks for the slap .

Any time

Don't be sorry, help.

And don't feel we are minimising your distress, but I really feel you need to speak to him before you go crackers.

Lol AF, I think I have already gone crackers

Thank you all fro bringing me back down to earth albeit with a slap, I'm going out now for a walk with DD.

Hiya Help. I just logged on to see how you are and im so sorry to see that you felt you couldnt talk to him last night. Please do tonight before things esculate even further. Keeping your self distant from him will not help matters.

I was just like you and paranoid for months before i confronted DH. I felt i was loosing him but nothing i could put my finger.There were rumours at work but i managed to dismiss them as there always talking about someone. I lost all my confidence, i wieghed under 7 stone, never wanted to go out, i snapped at him one minute and moaned all the time especially if he wanted to go out. Id take myself off to bed at 9 as so exhausted from worrying and general life. It was no fun for either of us so its no wonder he developed feelings for some one else.I trusted him 100% so this was very hard for me.Now im not saying this is whats happened in your situation BUT take a look at your self now to how you were when you got together. Are you the woman he married?

I was scared to talk to Dh because deep down i didnt want to hear what he had to say and i think you feel the same way too. But what ever happens its fixable, especially if you love your DH. Its not easy by no means, but you have to do this and not by letter either.

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to write or not to write
If you want to write a letter to him - do it just DON"T give it to him - use it as a tool to purge. then burn it.

to talk or not to talk... okay say you are going to talk
Why don't you go for a nice walk somewhere, i really recommend this.. I always find the combo of walking and talking amazingly helpful it some how keeps the walking keeps the conversation going, and sets a time for talking and helps the thinking.

and stop seeing it as him versus you, speak like you are together Talk about the relationship

Try " What the fucks happen to us this last 6 (?) months"

" I wanna get it back to a loving family relationship, we should put some effort in before it goes totally stale"

Stay in a positive (and attractive) state of mind.

stay cool ice queen, you can do this, we're here to support you xx

sorry for typos

Countess's version is much better.

This problem is too big to sum up in a short letter. And if you've written it down you can't take it back or say 'no, that's not how I meant it'.

The main problem with a letter is that it's one-sided. You need to say the first bit, then see how he reacts, then keep talking until you've both said everything you need to say. You need to listen as well as talk and a letter can't listen.

If you really can't find the words to start the discussion off, then write down the bare minimum - 'there seems to be a problem and I want to talk about it'.

I had to start a similar conversation once and it was so hard. My heart was going like the clappers and I was terrified. But as soon as I started it was fine.

And not a lunchtime - wait until he's home and there are no distractions.

Really feel for you. Good luck.

Hi everyone I am back from my walk, I feel alot clearer now in my head.

I am going to talk with DH tonight, keep it light and conversational, going along with what CD and countless others have said.

I am going to ask him if he is alright and if there is anyhting he wants to talk about/tell me and then hopefuly progress it on to how his lack on intimacy is making me feel lately.

What do you think, does that sound okay?

I am still going to write it down to be able to help me make sense of it but I am not going to give it to DH in a letter.

I will let you know how it goes tonight.