FAB & GLAM PART 8 - Onwards and Upwards!

[ginnny]

8000 posts - how do we find so much to talk about

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Annie - you write very wittily and I enjoy reading your posts. Enjoy your frogs I say Oh and re. advice for Tanee I totally agree, was just advising on a particular topic that I happen to know a bit about and in response to a specific request. I do agree that she is very intelligent and handles her relationship with aplomb

Tanee (now that I've finished talking about you ) I'm glad things are well post-counselling. 4wiw I agree with your judgement as to what he needs. What you said about the pedestal struck a chord with me. Dh (lo-I put the 'd' back!)does this with me and I think idealising a partner is unhealthy. Also sometimes, rather than try to live up to the standard they feel the partner sets they fall off the pedestal big style in a huge fuck up way; a gesture of self-defeat or rebellion. Erm so you put someone on a pedestal and instead of appreciating them you send shit their way ten-fold
Oh and I think the teacher was out of line. I would be very cross.

Today I encountered the first sign of a competetive parent (as I dropped ds off). Only the second week of Reception and the woman was grilling the teacher about her daughter's reading and commenting on how imaginative her dd is. The children are not even doing full days yet.

Tanee - apologies as my earlier post was full of typos

Hi Annie. I missed you
Well its all true. He's been seeing her since mid August. His dd confirmed it all for me.
I'm completely gutted. He's still denying it but he'd never admit to it anyway.
He begged me not to meet anyone else till he'd sorted out his drinking and all the time he was seeing her.
Its like the final kick in the teeth - as if what happened on holiday wasn't bad enough.

Ginny that's so [sad}.
Perhaps best that you know the truth though, in the long run?

Oh ginnny What a shit

oh Ginny so for you and too.

Think i have raging PMT - feel bloody awful and cant sleep. Thoughts keep going around in my head and i end up angry and frustrated. Trying to be logical about it all but just aghhhhhhhhhhh.

Been snapping at kids all day (yesterday) and poor h cant do a thing right. I hate being like this but cant seem to stop, it really is not me.

Just made a cup of tea and having a catch up.

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OMG ginny I can?t believe it I wondered why his dd was giving him such a hard time, makes sense now. She obviously cares a lot for you.
I?m so so sorry. Finding out, even when you have you instincts anyway, feels like a kick in the stomach that you?ll never recover from. But you will. And be glad of one thing ? its her that will have to deal with his drinking and appauling behaviour from now on. If nothing else, that has to be a relief.

I don?t have much time but just a couple of things

LL ? was at competitive parent! What?s up with these people?!

HW I hope you?re ok. You?re amazing xx

Annie it?s great to see you Your post made me cry. Not good in work! The bit about him being happiest within the marriage I really think is true. (And like you say, not to mention stability and the lifestyle he wants.) But yes, he clearly does get something from that relationship, or he wouldn?t have been in it so long. And it?s not happiness. You?re spot on. I don?t know if it?s excitement, ego boost, something ?different? to baffy who is so reliable and familiar. I don?t know. I doubt he even knows.

I can?t believe the change I?m seeing in him. I think it has sunk in that I?m serious. But he?s not giving up. At all. Even to the point that he upset OW this week so much so that she has now threatened that he?ll never see the child and has been to see a solicitor.

Don?t worry, I?m far enough removed from it now to see that H ?upsetting? her will not have been any major declaration of his love for me, and her kick off that will only last a few days while it suits her.
Like you say Annie, she is obsessed with him. And why on earth would she stop him seeing the child and therefore, remove her ability to see him every day and have him at her constant beck and call! I literally would run naked through work if she did that!! It will NEVER happen.

It?s all pathetic games. Saddest thing though ? H plays them. He hasn?t yet shown once, where she is concerned, that he has the will, strength or ability to really stand up to her. He never ever will. He ?can?t cope? when she really goes off on one.

Her irrational behaviour makes sure the world revolves around HER. She?s learning now that it doesn?t necessarily get her the exact outcome she wants, but if she?s not happy then she?ll damn well make sure that nobody else can be either. And my H wants us to live in her world for the rest of our lives?!

Perhaps if he could genuinely stand up to her then there would be a chance. If our world was ours. But I still haven?t seen one bit of evidence that that would ever happen.

Just makes me more certain that I?ve made the right decision.

Hurts more by the day though!

All me me me. Sorry! Promise I will catch up soon xx

Well done baffy - you have been so strong.

I am having real doubts myself now - well pmt induced ones.
I dont think my h ever really stood up to ow either - but unlike your ow she never did kick off or show that she cared in any real way - in some ways i wish she had so i could have a least had that satisfaction of knowing that she was hurt. H just sort of 'forgot it and hoped it would go away (and it sort of has for him - at work at least).
Feeling a bit low too as i know they will be having a meeting together this afternoon and h is not coming home tonight either. I am not suspicious - it just sort of makes my mind wander back to that time iyswim.

Have been to lunch with lovely friend today though and i know i have a great life. Had school assembly this morning and without sounding too much like competitive mum my dd was a star .

Ginny - What a tw*t ,

Baffy - I am sending you a hug and I have to say I admire how strong you are being.

HW - Keep thinking how far you have come, I think you are amazing at the support you give others when you yourselves are sometimes struggling with your own worries.
great that you have gone out with your friend and hope that has cheered you up abit.

DP and me have been chatting, he still doesnt understand what my problem is with bluetoothing photos around and he cant decide if he wants me or OW as its doing his head in that two women love him. And that the reason he start seeing OW was because of sex. FFS we where at it 3 or 4 times a week and he thinks that is not enough. My heart just feels like it is breaking but I know deep down that I deserve better than him and need to walk away. Going away this weekend on my own so hopefully will be able to clear my head.

Hi. Thanks for all the nice comments. You are all right, he is her problem now and I'm well rid of him.
Spot on Baffy - I do feel like I've been kicked in the stomach, I think in a way its bought it all back how I felt when the boys dad did it to me.
I told them at work about it all this morning. I've hid it all so far, but the state of me this morning would have given it away. I've got eyes like footballs and I look like death. They were lovely about it and that made me cry .
I do know that the only way through this is to walk away and not look back, but its so hard to do, especially when he lives so close. I can't go outside the door without seeing him and he's parked his stupid caravan in the car park opposite my house so everytime I go out I think about all the holidays we've had in it.
Sorry - moaning again.

oh god hi all so sorry so much going on here am feeling very low ...
Will update soon I promise suffice to say this bloody woman and her child (innocent in all this yes I know but not my child not my responsibility)...will forever be in my life...even when I am dead
Hw will email back soon I promise !
Ginny oh how awful for you - I know it doesn't feel like it now but maybe she has done you a favour she can deal with his crap now but still for you - I know like all of us you still love him
All others and newbies I will catch up but am in a pretty dark place now ...and like Baffy's H mine is now doing EVERYTHING right/all he can and in some ways that makes it so much worse if only he had done it 18 months ago

sorry macd I think they have that sense that they are about to/have already blown it and then they start a damage limitation exercise. But as you say, it is all too late. You can't switch off your hurt feelings and you can't pretend ow and her child don't exist. Must be tough going at work, when you feel so low yourself.

Baffy - Glad you are feeling strong, but understand how heart breaking it must be. How is ds getting on at school? Ds came home with another child's top today. Am told this is common after P.E!

HW - nothing wrong with admitting dd was a star in assembly. No competetive parents on here I overheard that woman talking to the teacher and just knew she was gonna be a PITA I think I've got PMT as well. Either that or pricklypearitis Hope yours subsides soon.

LL - at least he came home with a top on. DS2 has already lost 3 jumpers since the beginning of term!!!
MacD - sorry you are feeling low. I can't imagine how hard it must be for you.
I've been to the clinic tonight to get tested for STIs . This OW sounds like an alky too and i don't think she's very particular who she shags.
He was rolling up the road drunk today when I got home from work. I told him to f** off, he disgusts me now, but I still remember who he used to be and how he still can be when he's sober.
Oh and I pranged my car today too. Reversed into another car and forgot about the towbar! Just one more thing to add to the pile of crap that my life is turning into!
Still tomorrow's another day, and it can't get any worse can it?

Sorry you are all having such a bad day.

Regarding the PE thing - DS came out one day and I thought "why is he wearing a polo neck, we dont own any polo necks" his t-shirt was back to front & inside out so I just figure if its at least HIS its a bonus

He also has a habit of putting his swimming shorts on over his pants, I always catch him when I take him but he has just started school lessons

Im not a competitive parent, I figure they all do things at their own speed and have things they excel and things they struggle with. I saw a mum coaching her year old to read a sign on the gate at school once though I just always think (sigh) I must be such a bad parent

Ginny so sorry wanted you to know i am thinking of you what a slap in the face!

McD Hope you ok sounds bad at the minute

LL hope you ok and know exactly what you mean bout competitive parents it get's much too much!

Sorry so much on here at the moment for you all!

oh look another sleepless night.
Had a huge barny with h on the phone tonight. He is out tonight (which i still struggle with especially with pmt too ).

He tells me hotel and no of room he is in and promises to be back at a certain time and that i can call him then.

It gets near that time and he gives me a quick call to say he is just on his way and will be back in hotel in 20 mins and he will call then. 45 mins later i start calling him - i like chatting when we are both in bed. Eventually he calls making some lame excuse about not hearing his phone and only just realising i have been trying to call him - but no appology for not calling when he said he would .

Of course it is all my fault and after all it is only 45 mins and he has not done anything wrong, he then says he cant take this anymore and has done everything he can blah blah blah.....

I just feel it makes no difference what the boundaries are and he will always push them because he is esentially a child.
He asks what more he can do - i say do what you say and dont treat me like a fool and then i am being unreasonalbe over just 45mins.

I know i am being unresonalbe but i also feel that he is too and he just doent get it. He has put the phone done and says he is not coming home as he cant cope with it.

I have felt for a while now that he has wanted and arguement and was just waiting to push me to the limit iyswim. He always gets what he wants so it seems.

Sorry it is all me me me at the moment but it is good to get it all out.

Let you know what happens in the morning.

HW hope you are ok xxxx

Oh HW he needs to understand that long term the easier thing for you to do would have been to have walked away from your marriage - you are still with him because you love him but he has let you down horribly and that cant just be brushed under the carpet.

You do need to have fun together sometimes too, you need to be careful that every conversation doesnt end up being a rake over of what has happened (which is why I would be hopeless at reconciliation, I brew over conversations for years )

Oh no HW how awful
I?m so sorry, like you?ve said, it has seemed for a while that he is pushing you and almost wanting an argument. Like someone said earlier, although you?ve both come so far I do wonder whether you still have things you both need to deal with.

FWIW, PMT or not, I think he is very much in the wrong here. What is ?no big deal? to him, is actually a painful reminder of just how easily he can brush aside your feelings and block out the impact of his actions on you. All the things that allowed the affair to happen.

I?m not saying for 1 minute he?s at it again, and fwiw I don?t believe he is. I just think, like you say, he is acting like a spoilt child. Unwilling (unable?) to face the consequences of his actions, pushing the boundaries at every chance, and then throwing the blame back on you.

I hope you?re going to make some time to have a good serious talk to him when he does come back let us know how you are.

Macd am so sorry I do think of you a lot.

H's OW, who couldn?t feed herself last week, ran out of petrol yesterday! H had ds and was busy. And she insisted NOBODY could help her. Not her NM. Not her parents who are paying all these solicitors fees to get H out of her life. Nobody would help a pregnant young girl who had ran out of petrol?. Even everyone in her work was 'too busy' And H brought ds back to me, and drove 20 miles to go and help!!!
Like I said about the games, and H being willing to play them? that just confirms it all.

So I have no idea how hard it is for you macd ? but I know how hard it is for me and her baby isn?t hear yet! You must be a saint!

Lilyloo it?s good to see you ? are you ok?

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Well I was going to come here and whinge a bit about how it would (should) have been my 15th wedding anniversary today and that H has cocked up my life big style.
But having read what everyone else is having to cope with, perhaps I'll just keep quiet.

Baffy, ginny, MacD - I can't pretend to understand how hard it must be for you right now, but you are all coping really well.

HW - now I do know exactly how you feel, and it's crap. At the end of the day it was HIS actions that created this situation, not yours, so he has no place to be complaining that he is finding it hard, not if he is serious about putting things right.
However at the same time you both have to somehow find a balance that gives you the reassurance you need, but also gives your remodelled relationship space to grow.

Maybe you should sit down together and have a talk to refocus on what you are trying to do and have a chance to air grievances (on your own or somewhere like Relate again). It just sounds a bit like you have lost sight of your common goal.

It is a hard process - and one that my H wasn't willing to stick at, but yours so far has at least been wanting to try. Good Luck

Thanks everyone and Dior you dont offend me.

He had been drinking and says he cant remeber what he said last night - he was foul.

So Dior - no, bottle of wine not a good idea and anyway he wont be home until the wee hours - and this is in the job he is giving up.

He has addmitted that he was out of order and said he was sorry.
I fear that the drink is bringing out his true feelings - but he says that is not true.

He does seem to be pushing all the boundaries though and i dont know where it will end.

I certainly dont want to keep raking over old ground, but equally dont want it bushed aside never to be mentioned again. I thought we had done really well too.

Well as they say things can only get better and i WILL have a good weekend as the sun is going to shine - it is lovely here and once my puffy eyes have gone i am going for a lovely walk and going to do my good deed for the day and give blood (and keep to one of my news years resolutions). And is it still true that the best way to get your iron back up is to have a pint of guiness after.

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