FAB & GLAM PART 8 - Onwards and Upwards!

[ginnny]

8000 posts - how do we find so much to talk about

Ladylush - That is what I said to him, if I wanted over people to see my body I would have appeared in NUTS. He cant understand what my problem is and wants us to date as it was to serious before.

Baffy - How did you get on with work?

Hello everyone. I thought I might join the new F&G thread if you don't mind?
Potted history: 3 years ago DH had an affair at work, and when he confessed all, he chose to stay with me and the dc (2) so we could work things out. But it turned out he wasn't committed to this initially and was seeing her on and off for some time, before finally seeing their relationship for what it was (fake).
After that I thought we were doing OK, making it work, but I always had a nagging question pushed to the back of my head about 'is everything OK here?', and still felt like I wanted more from him in terms of demonstrating that he really did want to be with me.
Anyway, last April he turned round and said that he didn't love me like he felt he should, that he felt like he was playing a role and that I deserved more. And after a few days of circular conversations about if he didn't want to be with me, what did he want - 'I don't know', he moved out to get some space.
That very quickly became a definite decision in his mind, and there I was, on my own.

On the whole I have coped fairly well I think - mentally. I was used to doing everything on a day to day basis anyway, that wasn't an issue. I even got a new job which should mean I can keep the house going.

I started off realising that there were various benefits to him being absent, not least of which was not having that question mark over my head. Through the summer there has been so much to sort out and also doing things with the kids that there hasn't been much time to think.

But now things have quietened down, I find myself missing him more. I have seen another man a couple of times, but really that has only defined how wrong anything else feels compared to when I am with H.
Is this just the comfort of old familiarity luring me? We will/would have been married 15 yrs later this month, but we have been together for 21 years all told. (God that makes me sound really old - and I'm not 40 till next year!)
I don't really understand why I'm finding it so hard now, when I thought things should be starting to get easier. That's why I thought I might try a friendly kick up the backside from MN......

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Hello everyone.
I've had a horrible shitty day from start to finish. DS2 was up all night throwing up and then this morning the rash was all over his face and didn't disappear under the glass test so I rushed him up to A&E. Thank God it wasn't meningitis but they still don't know what it is. He has been prodded and poked all day and now I have to take him back tomorrow because they aren't happy with his blood tests. The poor little thing has been so brave and hasn't cried at all.
XP took us to hospital and was fantastic all day.
Then when we got home he left his phone at mine and I don't know why I did it but I looked down his inbox and there were messages from a girl. Not overly incriminating but enough to see they are not just from a friend, every one ended in 'xx'. I know we've split but he's been saying he loves me and begging me not to meet anyone and promising the earth.
When he came back to get his phone I had a meltdown and chucked him out again. I feel devastated. I know I've got no right to be as we'd split and I know I should never have gone through his phone, but I really thought the drink was the only problem. Now this has thrown a whole new light on it.
Sorry this is all me me me I haven't even read all the posts just come on here and offloaded!

Hi Bamzooki. Maybe you feel like this because you have more time to think and remember now and the initial surge of adrenaline has worn off. You were together a long time and it will take you a while to get over it. Don't be too hard on yourself.
Witchy - I bet that made you feel soooo much better because he was proud of you
PC thanks for sorting the new group out.
Jenk - Don't deactivate it, you don't have to update your status and you can block the friends you don't like (wish I could do that in RL)
Baffy - hope the job is OK. Glad you are staying strong re H. Such a shame that he left it too late to make the changes you need.
MHIS - seen you on FB - you are gorgeous and he must be mad to let you go!!!

Hi Bamzooki
Sorry you are feeling so down. It could just be the time of year - i too am a bit lack-lusture at the moment.
And i suppose i fear that my h is going to do what yours did - he is very down at the moment and says things like 'i want to make you happy, you deserve more....' Maybe he is leading up to the same thing. So i can empathize with the question mark.

Do you still get on? Has he moved on with his life?

Ginnny -hope ds is ok now, i wondered how his rash was.
also about xp - i do believe men just cant be alone they need their cocksego massaging too much.

Baffy hope work was ok.

Everyone else have a fab weekend.

Thanks HW.
DS is fine thank god. He has a non specific virus (I think thats Doctor speak for they don't know what the hell it is .
He still has the rash but they say it should go in a week or so and if it hasn't to take him back there. But he's eating well and his temperature is right down again. I'm so relieved.
As for twatface. He said this morning that nothing has happened with this woman and its just a flirtation. Apparently she fancies him and he's encouraged it because he was flattered . I told him this has blown any chance of us ever having a future together. I've been there before and I'm never going through it again.
I do feel sad, but I think he has done me a favour as I do think we would have drifted back together eventually the way things were going. Not any more though I'm walking away.
Hope everyone is enjoying the lovely weather. All the sheets and towels from the other nights puke fest are now clean and blowing away on the line and I'm just glad to be at home with the dc today.

Ginnny, so glad ds is OK - any rash is so frightening!

So that exp (or twatface) has complicated things yet further. Can only say, you've had a lucky escape from further grief and this poor OW doesn't know what she's getting into. Still, it's the thought that he's been flirting with her while trying to get back with you, that rankles. Bloody men, trying to test out a new model whilst still running the old one (not that I am likening us to cars ?.

Well DP & I haven't done our homework yet. DD is at her dad's tonight and I've just dropped lodger at the station, so we will be quite alone tonight. But we're both reluctant to spend it talking about his depression. Maybe I'll just try to nudge him into going to the GP about seeing counselling/therapy, and leave it at that. I don't really know what he and I can say about his depression anyway, short of cursing his family for causing it, and we've done that many a time!

Must go now, masses of housework to do and a meadow to scythe (the cats are disappearing in the long grass) but will catch up with all of you soon.

Paddle, will check out FB soon. Thanks

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HappyWoman - I'm sorry that you are at such an uncertain point - I hope that things go better for you than for me.
Well - I say that, but just occasionally I get a reminder that actually I might be better off now. He's just txted me (after saying he couldn't have the dc today because he 'needed' to work on his car) and said that he had a lazy day, catching up on sleep and that he's going to need to spend even more money on his stupid MLC sports car. I could be mad for the kids sake that he wasted the day - but actually it's cheered me up no end.
If he was still here, that would have equated to another day of either trying to keep the kids quiet while he slept or he'd be on the computer playing games, while I seethed about the stuff that needed doing, that he said he was going to do, and yet clearly had no intention of doing so. I know part of that cycle was down to me not challenging this behaviour when I should have, but even so - I know that tomorrow I can get on with everything I want to because I am in control here now. So for now, I feel kind of liberated. And I haven't even had any wine.....

Hmm - not sure I made much sense there, but maybe you get the idea.
And I didn't answer your questions HappyWoman, sorry.
Yes we still get on - we have been determined to keep things as amicable as possible for the dc.
And yes he has moved on - he is living with a woman who is a work colleague and is a child 12 years his junior. They have a pretty stormy relationship - I get to hear all about it - and I doubt it will last very long, which could be an awkward point because the dc think she is wonderful.
It's an odd sort of situation at the moment because he tells me all this stuff about her, which really I don't need to hear, and yet I let it continue because it does remind me of some of the reasons why I'm better off without him. Like how bull-headed he can be, and how he can argue you into a corner even though you KNOW you are right but you can't find the right words at the time. That kind of stuff.
Also he has yet to properly take all his stuff from the house - excuses range from nowhere to put it, to lack of time etc (he's an hour away so it's not just like popping round the corner). Again, I guess I should try and gain some impetus here, but part of me I think was hoping it was a sign that he wasn't ready to fully cut all ties here. But its very possible that he is just being too idle to get it sorted.
But like with the money stuff - a lot of which still needs sorting, and I can't change most things without his authority, I'm sort of biding my time, because I know how awkward he can be when he feels like he is being 'organised'. I might however sort out as much stuff as I can and box it up in the attic....
But he has been having the kids to stay for weekends etc when his shifts allow, and has done more with them this summer than in the last few years put together. Swimming, cinema, trips out to London, buying them clothes etc. So they are actually getting much better quality time with him now.
I sound like I have come here to slag him off totally. I'm not, it's just that I am trying to focus on those negatives right now, for my sanity. He does have many good points - we were very happy for a long time and I still don't really know what went wrong. So I can't think about all those aspects for the moment, only Reasons Why I'm Better Off Like This - Part 12.

ginny - thank you for your comment - you are right, it's too soon to expect to be totally OK with all this. And I suppose having been so busy over the summer has probably just delayed some of the down phases, rather than avoid them.

Dior - party time for us next year then?

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Hi all

Just a very quick catch up ? the work meeting went really well I made a couple of judgement calls against the grain (and against some advice from my boss) and I thought it was all going to bite me on the bum. Luckily I was right to go with my instinct, to the point that my boss pulled me to one side after the meeting and said ?thank god you ignored my advice ? I?m so pleased you used your own judgement here or we?d have both been in the sh*t!? so that?s good news.

HW I do still hope to visit as soon as we can!
I?m still pushing ahead with the divorce, and we?re meeting up this week to discuss finances and how we?re going to sort all of that out. I actually feel so empty and alone at the moment. I miss him so much it is like physical pain.

He is very much keeping to his word regarding OW and even though I have cut all ties now and only see him briefly when our parents can?t drop ds off for us, he is still trying. OW has kicked off a few times lately as he won?t let her stay over anymore. And on Saturday night he wanted us to do something as a family, and eventually was just saying come round and we?ll get a dvd and a takeaway. I said no. And meant it. But he was very persistent. (I didn?t give in!)

But anyway, I assume in the background she was pestering to see him, and he wouldn?t, he must have said he was keeping the night free for me and ds. And she sent me a nasty message saying ?Tough sh*t baffy, he may be able to keep nights free for you now, but I?m having his baby and if I demand to see him when this baby needs him then you know I?ll come first. Trust me, it will get much worse once our baby is born.?

I guess she?s trying to scare me off. And was annoyed that he wanted to see me and not her.

All I could do was have a little laugh to myself and ignore it all. What can I possibly say to that?!

Part of me wanted to say yes I know, and that?s exactly why I?m running a mile and leaving you two to it! But then she?d know where she stood and I?d rather not give her the satisfaction! After all, it?s none of my business

Ginny I?m so and for you. Perhaps like you say, it?s good in the way that it has given you the final push you need to walk away. Drifting back into the relationship, without any concrete signs that he was making any real effort to change, would have ended in disaster again But it doesn?t make it any easier. Thinking of you.
How is ds doing??

HW and PC how are you?

Dior, everything still ok?

And hello and welcome to all the new people. Lovely to see so many new people here, although very at the circumstances. I will try to catch up with everyone?s stories soon.

Baffy thats great news about the job - well done.

Also good for you - i think you need to at least wait until the baby is born before you make any decisions anyway, anything can happen. And as we have said the divorce is only a piece of paper - the end of that relationship - a new one will have to be formed because of ds.

At least you get the satifaction to know she is upset by his behaviour.
Take care and look forward to your visit.

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Hi Baffy.
That text just proves that she will never go away and you are doing the right thing by leaving them to it. Well done though, it must have been hard not to give in to him.
Good news about the job too
DS2 is fine now. The rash has nearly all gone and he is back at school. I was sick on saturday night and felt rough yesterday, but I think that was just a reaction to the stress of Friday because I had a really early night last night and I feel much better today.
I haven't heard from him since Saturday afternoon but I've had texts from his dd saying how disgusted she is with him over all this .
This has strengthened my resolve to have nothing more to do with him. I still love him and I always will but unless I cut all ties with him I will just get hurt over and over again.

Ginny - sending you a hug. You must have had a feeling to make you look through the phone. Men never cease to amaze me as soon as someone show them a bit of attention they are willing to throw it all away at home...

Horrible for you when he has been telling you he loves you and then encouraging this other girl...

Bamzooki - Well done on new job and should be proud of yourself for keeping strong over the summer and it will be a shock to the system still only time is a great healer I was in the same place as you 4 years ago when I split for DS's father and we had been together 15 years even now I get a sad feeling even though he was the biggest t**t going (but thats another story)but you will get there plus you have all us for support.

Baffy - Great news about the job very nice suprise for you.

Yes I am very mad with dp at the moment after every thing he has done, was in too mind whether to take in back or not as he has been on the phone all weekend crying telling me he loves me etc well sorry he should have thought about that before he started dipping it in OW, he said it to me all it meant to him was an off load and showing photos of me. Do I really want a man like that in my life? I dont think so I think I deserve better as makes me wonder what he says about me to his friends etc.

Ginny - sending you a hug. You must have had a feeling to make you look through the phone. Men never cease to amaze me as soon as someone show them a bit of attention they are willing to throw it all away at home...

Horrible for you when he has been telling you he loves you and then encouraging this other girl...

Bamzooki - Well done on new job and should be proud of yourself for keeping strong over the summer and it will be a shock to the system still only time is a great healer I was in the same place as you 4 years ago when I split for DS's father and we had been together 15 years even now I get a sad feeling even though he was the biggest t**t going (but thats another story)but you will get there plus you have all us for support.

Baffy - Great news about the job very nice suprise for you.

Yes I am very mad with dp at the moment after every thing he has done, was in too mind whether to take in back or not as he has been on the phone all weekend crying telling me he loves me etc well sorry he should have thought about that before he started dipping it in OW, he said it to me all it meant to him was an off load and showing photos of me. Do I really want a man like that in my life? I dont think so I think I deserve better as makes me wonder what he says about me to his friends etc.

Ginny - sending you a hug. You must have had a feeling to make you look through the phone. Men never cease to amaze me as soon as someone show them a bit of attention they are willing to throw it all away at home...

Horrible for you when he has been telling you he loves you and then encouraging this other girl...

Bamzooki - Well done on new job and should be proud of yourself for keeping strong over the summer and it will be a shock to the system still only time is a great healer I was in the same place as you 4 years ago when I split for DS's father and we had been together 15 years even now I get a sad feeling even though he was the biggest t**t going (but thats another story)but you will get there plus you have all us for support.

Baffy - Great news about the job very nice suprise for you.

Yes I am very mad with dp at the moment after every thing he has done, was in too mind whether to take in back or not as he has been on the phone all weekend crying telling me he loves me etc well sorry he should have thought about that before he started dipping it in OW, he said it to me all it meant to him was an off load and showing photos of me. Do I really want a man like that in my life? I dont think so I think I deserve better as makes me wonder what he says about me to his friends etc.

Ginny - sending you a hug. You must have had a feeling to make you look through the phone. Men never cease to amaze me as soon as someone show them a bit of attention they are willing to throw it all away at home...

Horrible for you when he has been telling you he loves you and then encouraging this other girl...

Bamzooki - Well done on new job and should be proud of yourself for keeping strong over the summer and it will be a shock to the system still only time is a great healer I was in the same place as you 4 years ago when I split for DS's father and we had been together 15 years even now I get a sad feeling even though he was the biggest t**t going (but thats another story)but you will get there plus you have all us for support.

Baffy - Great news about the job very nice suprise for you.

Yes I am very mad with dp at the moment after every thing he has done, was in too mind whether to take in back or not as he has been on the phone all weekend crying telling me he loves me etc well sorry he should have thought about that before he started dipping it in OW, he said it to me all it meant to him was an off load and showing photos of me. Do I really want a man like that in my life? I dont think so I think I deserve better as makes me wonder what he says about me to his friends etc.

Say it again Witchy !

Say it again Witchy !