Am I being paranoid?

[nanog]

Last Fri at abt 5pm DH was about to get into the shower. He started to have a shave and I told him I was going out to meet a friend for a quick drink. I'd be back in an hour. DS1 and DS2 were both at home with him.

On my way to meet my friend, I recieve a txt from her to say she can no longer meet, so I turn the car round and go home. I was back home in 5min. As I enter the house, I see the kids both playing. I opened the bathroom door to pop my head round and say hello to DH, but DH wasn't there.

I searched every room and he was nowhere to be seen. The back door to the garden was wide open and so was the garage door. I entered the garage and he was sat naked, half shaven with a phone i've never seen before.I asked him what on earth he was doing sitting stark naked in the garage, in a jokey way. He said nothing and I'm just so confused by then that I didn't know what else to say to him. I also noticed a phone charger plugged into a socket in the garage.

I started to piece together things that have happened, like how he spends a lot of time in the garage when he returns from work each day. I always assumed he was putting his tools away, but now i'm thinking otherwise.

I'm questioning why he would need another (secret) mobile phone. i can only think the worst right?

It was bugging me all weekend so last night I asked him about the phone. He told me its a very old phone he used to own and someone at work told him he could enter a code and then make free calls from it. I questioned further whether it actually worked and he said he tried, but got cut off. I said how gr8 it would be to have a phone wher we wouldn't have to pay for calls, but he said that he didn't think it was possible. more like he didn't want me to see the phone right?

Since I saw the phone in the garage on the fri, he has hid it. I can't find it anywhere. He doesn't leave it around like his other mobile phone. Why would he hide this from me?

I've never felt this way before. We've been married for 10 years. Should I be suspiscious? Is he upto something and how do I find out?

hi guys, so i demand to see this phone. he tells me its in the spare bedroom. I look in there and i can't see it. So i specifically ask him where. He said in a shoe box in the wardrobe. I took it out, but no phone. He said its got to be there, because that's where he put it.

I made it very clear to him, by clearing out the shoe box that the phone isn't there. He said it must be here somewhere, cz he remembers bringing it upstairs. i make him search everywhere and now he doesn't know where it is.

Does he think i'm effin stupid? Wannabe, I've not had chance to hav it out with him yet, cz we've been so busy today. I'm planning to meet some friends tomorrow, so either tonight or tomorrow morning before i go out, i will have it out with him. Cz i don't think i can face him after i imagine another pack of lies are told.

let's say he's deleted everything, why is he still reluctant in showing me the phone. He knows i'm not technological savvy, so wouldn't expect me to take the SIM card out, so i still don't get it.

And btw - i've took the chargers from the garage into the house. The phone, (can't remember the model no. ) is a bulky big screen Nokia phone. They came into being abt 4 years ago. I tried to find it online, so you can see it, but I can't find it.

i've tried all the usual hiding places. If i was to search the garage properly it would take me a good few hours. We have a double gargae with a side workshop and he has toolboxes and racking everywhere. It really cud be anywhere, however, I suspect its not too far from him. I've checked his pockets every night wen he has a shower, since the incident. The other place is the car. Are there any secret hiding places I cud check out, that I already haven't thought of?

thanks for all ur advice, but still no closer to finding out the truth.

I'm so sorry you're being treated that way. Maybe he has txts or pictures on it that he just doesn't want to delete? If he's pretending it's disappeared he certainly has something to hide. You don't sound very confrontational. I would have screamed and shouted until he got it. I too think it may be untimatum time.

oh my god, i cant believe you have not mananged to explode at him by now!!
obviously he is telling you the phone is somewhere it isnt, because he has hidden it!!

It seems so bleeding obvious that he is up to no good, can you not kick him out for a while, until you get to the bottom of it?
i dont know how you can bear to sleep next to him at night!

if you find out he has been having an affair, do you have a lot of support around you for life as a single mum? (sorry, just jumping the gun & assuming the worst here)

I would throw him out. Or leave.

Sorry to be blunt but you've had a week of this already and you're no closer to getting any answers. You haven't demanded the phone or even been really confrontational about it.

Either you want some answers now or you have to just accept that your dh is shagging someone else and there's nothing you can do about it.

Because the reality is that he probably is shagging someone else or at least is on the verge.

You keep saying you're going to have it out with him and nothing gets resolved.

Just tell him you know he's having an affair so he might as well be honest.

Do you want to spend the rest of your life with a lier?

AGBU, i can't sleep at nite for thinking abt that option - life as a single mum.

My mother lives an hour away and wud mean taking our kids out of school. don't think i cud bear to disrupt their lives..PLUS we bought our dream hse last yr and there is no way, i'm moving out.his parents live 5 min away, so the option wud be for him to move back in with them..however, i wud be vilified, for kicking him out..u see in my culture, divorce is a big taboo. I've known his family for 10 yrs and i get on with all of them very well. I'd be kidding myself in thinking they wud support me, if i decided to kick DH out. although, i think some wud still keep it touch, but i'd have to prepare in being an outcast.

Oh boy, this goes a lot deeper. What culture 'Nanog'?, put us in the picture so we can get a realistic picture of this, someone on here might be able to help with a cunning way to be assertive 'despite' the culture thing.
So sorry for you, but it is looking grimmer everytime I read. And I thought I had problems... Hang in there sweet. The truth may be a nasty bite in the arse, but at least you'd know what you're up against.

I don't know what culture but you know some cultures have a strong matriachal bond and there are ways of getting this out of him. Or at least making him come to terms with some sort of explanation. Some older member perhaps that you could confide in... who could help and talk to him?

im sorry , you will have to forget your culture and concentrate on you.. hy the hell should you be treated like dirt for something he has done?
Anyone who thinks it is a disgrace for you to chuck him out is simply not worth knowing.
It seems pretty obvious he is shagging someone else - or is planning to.

i still cannot believe you have let a week pass without screaming your guts out at him. How can you be in the same room together when you have this huge doubt..why dont you FORCE the answer out of him, instead of being the passive wife and tiptoeing around him?

i think you should really tell him to leave now, if he wont explain himself.

hy the hell?

obviously i meant why

Right - i've had it completely out with him, cz frankly i was ready to burst. So i said, 'have u managed to find this phone yet?'

He Said, - No, i've not had time.

I then, using wannabe's words, said i think ur upto something, cz u had this phone, kept it close by to you and now u can't find it. plus the whole naked situation.

he said wat r u accusing me of? i said wasn't it bloody obvious and i was getting quite upset. He laughed, hugged and kissed me. He said he knows how it must look, but if he cud find the phone he cud prove it was nothing.

So i said, i just needed to see the phone for reasurrance (more like to get the sim card!)

He's gone out now (prob to tell the mistress not to call or txt) and wen he comes back I know by some miracle he'll have found the phone. I know everything will prob be delieted, but i will take out the SIM

I just need to be ready for the next steps. Does anyone know how long it takes for the SIM reader to be delievered? Is there another, maybe quicker way of getting the SIM read?

I'm determind to get to the bottom of this.

Plus, i know there is no way he going to admit to anything. He will try and play dumb and make out i'm the one imagining things. So wat i desperately need is hard evidence. I've checked the bank statements today - nothing!

I've been lurking/watching this thread for a bit...
I know I'll get a tongue lashing for even suggesting this, but could it be possible that it's all just a weird coincidence and that it really is nothing? Especially if there's nothing else out of hte ordinary. I agree, it's all very strange and suspicious. I would be suspicious too. But if it were me, I would make sure I got that evidence before making any rash decisions, like chucking him out.
If everything has been deleted, ask him why there is nothign on it when you clearly saw him using it that day.

OMG!! I cant believe you havnt got the phone! I would have said "Give me the phone NOW!"

"I dont know where it is."

"Find it now, and if I dont get it within an hour, Im leaving."

And then followed him round the house until I had it in my hand.
If he gives it to you, there'll be nothing on it and you'll be none the wiser. That sim reader might not work - it says so on the website.
Im afraid it might be too late to find out whats been going on.

he might not know that about the sim reader. just tell him you're keeping the sim and getting one of the sim readers to make sure. then if he panics about it, you'll know something is up

Do you have a cordless house phone? Another mobile?
Go into the garage, ring the house phone/other mobile and then answer it. Hide the phone on a shelf, and tell him you're going out for half an hour - it'll give him time to speak to someone. You can drive round the corner and listen on your mobile. Do it when the kids are in bed and then he wont be distracted.
Do you have to leave your house to get to your garage? ie across the garden? Would he have walked across the garden naked? Or did he strip off in the garage?

i think he has the conversations in the gargae. the garage is located next to the utility. U wud just need to hop out into the garden and then hop into the gargae.

he didn't strip off in the gargae. He was already naked ready to go into the shower.

If you take out the SIM card infront of him, he'll shit a brick. You'll know by his reaction. What exactly do you intend to do? Sneak ofF, remove the SIM card and then leave it on the side? He'll be all eyes on you no? You'll have to do it infront of him in a very assertive way (and you have every right to do this) so don't go all weak on him. Take it out, or even better say 'take out the SIM card and give it to me' ... I wouldn't want to be in your shoes... boy oh boy you're going to have to find strength of strengths from somewhere...

He'll probably really object and go off on one. But don't back down. If theres nothing to worry about then neither has he. Good luck Nanog.. we're here with you on this.

Also, it says it wont work on Vista, if you have it?

i'm on XP, not Vista. I'm feeling really apprehensive abt this...

thanks for ur ongoing support guys

About the sim reader? Or all of it?
I think you need to put your foot down a bit tbh.

can he not ring it to find out where it is? He must know the number?

Also - have you tried looking at his other phone - his normal one? Wouldn't normally suggest snooping but you have suspicions so why not.

I suggested snooping on the normal phone... would have done that at some point. Nanog what about the culture thing? Is there any strong family member that you could confide in? sometimes an older female member with a bit more sway can offer help or something? Before this all blows up and you're dealing with the aftermath? (If its that much of a culture factor)...

Softly, softly catchy monkey. Perhaps you need to fake an 'everything is fine' attitude until he is less wary?