Am I being paranoid?

[nanog]

Last Fri at abt 5pm DH was about to get into the shower. He started to have a shave and I told him I was going out to meet a friend for a quick drink. I'd be back in an hour. DS1 and DS2 were both at home with him.

On my way to meet my friend, I recieve a txt from her to say she can no longer meet, so I turn the car round and go home. I was back home in 5min. As I enter the house, I see the kids both playing. I opened the bathroom door to pop my head round and say hello to DH, but DH wasn't there.

I searched every room and he was nowhere to be seen. The back door to the garden was wide open and so was the garage door. I entered the garage and he was sat naked, half shaven with a phone i've never seen before.I asked him what on earth he was doing sitting stark naked in the garage, in a jokey way. He said nothing and I'm just so confused by then that I didn't know what else to say to him. I also noticed a phone charger plugged into a socket in the garage.

I started to piece together things that have happened, like how he spends a lot of time in the garage when he returns from work each day. I always assumed he was putting his tools away, but now i'm thinking otherwise.

I'm questioning why he would need another (secret) mobile phone. i can only think the worst right?

It was bugging me all weekend so last night I asked him about the phone. He told me its a very old phone he used to own and someone at work told him he could enter a code and then make free calls from it. I questioned further whether it actually worked and he said he tried, but got cut off. I said how gr8 it would be to have a phone wher we wouldn't have to pay for calls, but he said that he didn't think it was possible. more like he didn't want me to see the phone right?

Since I saw the phone in the garage on the fri, he has hid it. I can't find it anywhere. He doesn't leave it around like his other mobile phone. Why would he hide this from me?

I've never felt this way before. We've been married for 10 years. Should I be suspiscious? Is he upto something and how do I find out?

I agree that what he is doing appears to be sexual, but why are we so convinced it is an affair. My first thought when I read the OP was he was enjoying phone services and preferred doing it naked. Not a great thing to discover, but not an affair. Agree the phone needs to be found, but is there necessarily a mistress ?

My first thought was sex chat lines too.

Could be just that simple... but

If your OH was racing from a shower the second you left the house to phone sex lines in the garage in the nude...

How would that make you feel?

Wouldn't ringing a sex chat line from a mobile cost a fortune?? Your £10 top up would not last long, no? I think those premium rate calls are like £1 a minute but must be more from a mobile. I reckon it's calls or naughty texts. Where did he say he was going tonight??

If it was sex chat up lines, wouldnt he have made himself comfortable first? Wouldnt he have shut the door ??!!

I'd be very careful about showing him you've taken the card out - if he's hiding something he might well go totally nuts if he actually sees you doing it.

I would try and take the card out without him seeing you do it, hand the phone back to him with it switched off so he doesn't realise what you've done until it's back on. Then put the SIM card in an envelope, immediately leave the house in your car and post it to someone you trust to keep hold of it until you get the reader.

Otherwise he'll try his utmost to get the card back from you, once you tell him what you're up to.

good advice Pennies

but, Flubdub, what if the sex chat lines are such a taboo that he has to just grab what chance he can?

Don't know how the OP feels about sex lines, if she thinks it's on a par with sex with a prostitute?

It may be equally shocking to her.

woops , sorry nanog, I feel like I am talking as if you are not here. I hope you manage to sort this out and that it's none of these thins. There could be a simple explanation.

Nanog why don't you order the reader thing while you are waiting for the sim card?

One thought i had about the number in his pocket was it sounded like a phone banking access code, but i can't see why that should be a big secret worth interrupting his shower for.

Ah yes pennies. LOve the idea of posting the sim to a trusted friend.

When DH asks her for it back she can say it's in the spare room in the same shoe box he left the phone in

nanog - you are so patient though. By now my imagination would be in overdrive so when he laughed and hugged you, I'd have been so mad that he found my distress amusing. Which culture are you from?

does WAP still exist or is it all mobile internet now?its just that i used to use WAP chat sites and there were some pretty-erm-adult ones out there and they didnt cost very much atall.

First time poster.

Uses a lot of txt spk.

doesn't really take on board any advice.

Says will have it out with dh but doesn't really.

Thinks up more and more reasons why she cannot leave.

Not really a very plausible story, dh was half way through shaving when she left, she left the house in the car, got a text some way down the road, turned the car around and went home, parked the car and went into the house and still expected the dh to be shaving?

It takes my dh maybe 10 minutes to shave when he takes his time.

I think it's pretty dull trolling.

lulabelle and icecreamsoda - Just because the OP isn't "taking" every bit of advice does not mean that her story is not valid. People listen to advice and can choose which bits to take or not take and some people are just quite uncomfortable with confrontation or finding out this sort of thing... it's very delicate in my opinion. Sorry Nanog, I hope those previous posts haven't upset you further. I love MN and think the advice given is generally great but you have to decide what is right for you (and note she has taken some of it).

star6 I agree with you, sometimes it is hard to actually 'do' the right thing (or 'do' as most would).. I am in a predicament myself where I can't actually put my finger on it and put my foot down. Life is like that. Plus we don't know the dynamics between them. She might be very submissive, have a lot at stake... It is better to be cautious and methodical sometimes than to blurt out into a raging great fight. Life does go on around these problems, you know, kids get fed, parents get visited, people do sleep.
Don't be put off Nanog - you've got enough to deal with quite frankly, more important than following orders from MMNs... its a site for advise.. (don't forget guys), and other peoples way of seeing things.

I really cant understand why he wont just give you the phone. He definatley is hiding something.

If it was just a free phone call thing then why didnt he just charge it up in front of you, if it were my Dh he would have come home and told me about it so i could use the phone too. This is not something you hide.

He was quick thinking on his excuse and and has now dug a hole he cant get out of.

I hope you find the truth out soon xx

first chance i've had to log on and read the messages left over the past 24hrs. My life has to go on.

Firstly Icecreamsoda - I've been posting on Mumsnet for nearly 5 years and have name changed for this one. Wat's wrong with txt speak? R u going to tick me off for my poor grammar too? I have taken on board SOME advice and not all. For me mumsnetter, is abt sharing feelings and experiences. Its wonderful that there are genuine people on here that actually care enough to respond to posts; either acknowledge, support and often give advice. Accepting this advice is my choice and I don't have to justify my reasons whether or not to accept this advice to u.

Kally, ur rite, speaking to an older member of the family or someone well connected to him, may help, but I've never really had to do this before. However, I do know just the person to speak to, but I can't speak with him, until i know wat's on that phone.

As for my culture - we're both from an south asian background and live in a close knit Asian community, where most of HIS family reside. Ppl have always made remarks abt how solid we are as a couple and we are..well, I suppose we we're, until last Fri.

This last week has been so difficult for me, cz there is a weird prescence between us - a frosty atmosphere. I'm having to deal with someone who is being pretentious. This is the first time I've had to question his commitment and have massive doubts abt trusting him. Part of me is thinking, it cud be nothing - pictures and sex lines is forgiveable, but shagging someone else isn't.

I have to keep the converastion abt the phone going and then deal with any issues that arise from it.

I'm sorry if this means its not going to get resolved overnight guys.

Hi Nanog, just saw the last few posts and wanted to say how sorry I am that you were attacked as well. What's wrong with listening to advice and taking onboard what you need, but not all? Surely, all of us that post here seeking for a new viewpoint, help or advice appreciate the posts but don't have to heed them all. It's still the OP's life, right?

I'm from mixed backgrounds and part of that is Middle Eastern/Asian, so can understand how you must be feeling about social repercussions. TBH, none of my aunties on that side of the family would take it lying down if their Dh's were u to something. At the same time it's something that needs to be dealt with behind closed doors and within the close family. I know how gossipy it can all get. The idea to speak to a female confidante seems very good. Maybe his sister or an older aunt?

The shoebox incident really takes the biscuit! I mean, come on, what does he think you are? If you could also keep the phone, pictures & other data can be 'clawed back' by PC specialists. Nothing is ever deleted by a user like you and me, everything can be brought back. (Those pics of Jude Law kissing Kimberly Stewart were originally erased from the cam but The Sun got their specialists on the case to re-instate the files.)

Either way, it sounds all so odd and out of sorts with your H's normal behaviour. Please don't think the worst yet. FWIW, my cousin got divorced by sharia law and is now happily married a second time 'round. It's not impossible and the fault isn't with you!

You can buy a plug in thingy (from spy website) that can track texts that have been deleted and call logs, should you ever find the phone.

Hi Alexa, thank u for being so understanding and ur absolutley right. I don't think his aunties wud stand for it, but I'd expect them to pressure me into taking him bac. Besides, i don't really trust any of them - like u said, it can all get very gossipy and I know some of aunties wudn't be able to resist. I don't want our marriage to become the talking point of the community.

TL - thanks, but i've already placed the order for the SIM reader.

naog, have you tried bluetoothing the phone? You might be able to establish if it is in the house.

Objectivity - how does that work? I can activate bluetooth on my phone, but how do i know if his phone is in the house?

his phone would need to have bluetooth on, and also you would need to know the name of it. you could be picking up one from next door or in the street.