Am I being paranoid?

[nanog]

Last Fri at abt 5pm DH was about to get into the shower. He started to have a shave and I told him I was going out to meet a friend for a quick drink. I'd be back in an hour. DS1 and DS2 were both at home with him.

On my way to meet my friend, I recieve a txt from her to say she can no longer meet, so I turn the car round and go home. I was back home in 5min. As I enter the house, I see the kids both playing. I opened the bathroom door to pop my head round and say hello to DH, but DH wasn't there.

I searched every room and he was nowhere to be seen. The back door to the garden was wide open and so was the garage door. I entered the garage and he was sat naked, half shaven with a phone i've never seen before.I asked him what on earth he was doing sitting stark naked in the garage, in a jokey way. He said nothing and I'm just so confused by then that I didn't know what else to say to him. I also noticed a phone charger plugged into a socket in the garage.

I started to piece together things that have happened, like how he spends a lot of time in the garage when he returns from work each day. I always assumed he was putting his tools away, but now i'm thinking otherwise.

I'm questioning why he would need another (secret) mobile phone. i can only think the worst right?

It was bugging me all weekend so last night I asked him about the phone. He told me its a very old phone he used to own and someone at work told him he could enter a code and then make free calls from it. I questioned further whether it actually worked and he said he tried, but got cut off. I said how gr8 it would be to have a phone wher we wouldn't have to pay for calls, but he said that he didn't think it was possible. more like he didn't want me to see the phone right?

Since I saw the phone in the garage on the fri, he has hid it. I can't find it anywhere. He doesn't leave it around like his other mobile phone. Why would he hide this from me?

I've never felt this way before. We've been married for 10 years. Should I be suspiscious? Is he upto something and how do I find out?

Nanoy: just to give a slightly different perspective on this. Speaking as a guy, it sounds very much like, um, bloke-type behaviour in terms of what he's doing now. This it not, of course, to say that women are sweetness, light and honesty but I think that blokes generally do tend to act like kids when they're caught doing something they shouldn't be - i.e. panic, deny and lie until the truth is slowly extracted from them. Actually, maybe everyone's like that but maybe guys more so! This goes from the tiny lies of everyday life (e.g. having an extra half at the pub when you've said you're just leaving to DW on the phone) to, I imagine, the much worse ones like this.

Let's be clear about this. He's done very wrong. He knows he's done very wrong. He has no defence and he knows he has no defence. Saying that it's because he's not getting enough sex at home may be true (in his mind) but equally he knows that it doesn't justify it. And more troublingly for him, it certainly doesn't justify it in anyone else's eyes, be it family or friends. His marriage is at risk, his family is at risk, his friends, his reputation, everything. In short, he knows he's screwed.

He's now been through the panicking stage which didn't achieve much (though it's still probably ongoing). He's been throught the denial stage, which also didn't achieve much. He's now trying to cover his arse by only giving you as much information as he thinks is possible to get away with. Each time he's forced to tell you a bit more and and each time, he's no doubt hoping that you'll say "oh well, I guess that's the extent of it". What he probably really wants is for you to also say "and let's try to put this behind us now" and then he can breathe a big sigh of relief. Sadly for him, that's not going to happen but a blind and wilful ignorance of reality shouldn't stop us guys continuing with an idea if the idea's a good one huh! It's rather like going back to search in the same place for the keys seventeen times in a row in the hope that they'll have magically turned up at some point...

If I were you, I'd just lay out all the facts for him and, if he's acting like a child, treat him like he's a child. Rather like with my toddler, explain to him that it can go one of two ways, and only one of two ways. Firstly, he can be completely open and honest and tell you everything in as much detail as you want, in which case you'll have a fraction more respect for him and you may be able to put your lives back together (and that no-one else will know, if you're okay with that). Or he can carry on as he is doing, pretending that everything is in the open, but if you find one scrap of additional evidence then it's over. He'll lose his wife, his family, his friends, reputation, everything. It's up to him which he chooses. He has a chance to make it better for himself, but he needs to take it.

There's obviously much longer and deeper issues to deal with as well, but in the short term this might (at least) offer a cornered rat what he perceives to be some sort of 'escape route' and which gives you (at least) a little of what you're looking for.

Just a thought. Hope it helps.

Nanog - I don't see how your DH can possibly expect you to move on from this if he can't just be honest with you. You have shown him proof and he still lies to you. He seems like a comulsive liar. He has never owned up to the full extent. For example saying the chatlines have been fro 3 months when you know its much longer. Tell him that you can not believe a word he says as he has never just admitted what he has done, and how can he expect you to forgive him if he won't even admit what he has done.

He has told you that he won't phone the lines any more, but how are you supposed to believe him when it has taken this long to get him to admit anything.

Stay strong!

Also I think Cestlavie makes a good point about telling him you will respect him more if he stops lying.

CLV: I'm liking the cornered rat analogy.

Nanog: cornered rats can bite as a last way out. Pls be careful how you speak to your H. I'm worried for you.

HAve to second that I think SolidGoldBrass is a wise lady.

However, I think he is lying to you and I think that people do this when they are caught out. I don't think your worries or suspicioons are unfounded at all and the fact that he is clearly not being honest with you is worrying.

People lie to try to maintain the status quo and he clearly thinks it is ok to ttreat you with absolute disrespect and refuse to read the letter you wrote him and then expect to make it up with a cuddle in the morning. Not reasonable behaviour. If he wants this relationship to work he should be being open and honest.

The taking your phone thing sounds like he has an addiction to me. Maybe he bought a pay as you go sim and swapped it into your phone.

cestlavie, good post, you have insight into the male mind (rare in a male {wink})

cestlavie - thank u so much for sharing that perspective with me. You've described exactly how DH has behaved.

The fact is, I've lost all respect for him. He's been rude & ignorant. He has lied & continues to do so. He shows no remorse. He just wants to move on with our lives, as if nothing ever happened and without him feeling the need to explain or answer any of my questions.

I know things will never be the same between us, but for the DC, I'm trying to keep it together for now. Plus I have never seen him schmooze so much torwards me. He keeps telling me how much he loves me, attempts to kiss me all the time, grope, feel, wanting sex etc. I feel physically repulsed when he comes near me. God, how long can I keep this going? He's so desperate to keep me on-side, because he fears he'll lose me, but he just doesn't get me at all. I'm really fed up and tired of talking and trying to get through to him. (huge sigh)

Hello nanog just wanted to see how you were doing.

I actually had to ask my DH whether he had signed up with the user name cestlavie! He hasn't. (Sorry Cestlavie but you "sound" so like him and I know I'm lucky).

Nanog, I hope that you sort stuff out and more importantly start to feel right and good about yourself (I don't yet. I went to town yesterday to buy new clothes and underwear but came away just frazzled, feeling fat and unattractive - think its going to take me a while)

Basically, I hope (wish) that you are happy. Also, -trying- to see the blokes perspective, it does sound like your DH loves you, but is going about making amends in the wrong way. Maybe even tell him that?

We have gone (not that its necessarily "right" or healthy!) for a completely upfront honesty trial. I am sure it will wear thin (or we will kill one another!, joke) but for now I at least feel that I can just say how he makes me feel, and vice versa.

For what its worth I thought cestlavie's perspective was very enlightening. If he's right then the had choice he says you should offer Nanog is the only way to break this dead lock.
I can empathise with your disappointment that your husband is much less than the man you thought he was though...

when the scales fell off my eyes about a boyfriend I had years ago who really was a low life (not for doing what your husband did but something much worse and over a very long period), one thing I never really got back was my trust in myself to accurately judge people. What it proved to me was that I was really blind when I didn't want to see something. Is this part of how you feel too?

quinne, I know this is nanogs post but what you say is so right

Its about (sometimes) trying to accept that someone is not so perfect as maybe you had them down to be. I struggle with that and childishly want to do something "upsetting" back, but DH just tells me to go ahead and do it (can't even think of an example) if it would make me feel better, and then you realise that its not really about tit for tat.

I know in a scale of "not niceness" Nanogs DH has upset her more than my DH upset me, and I am sorry that your boyfriend up scaled Nanogs husband too.

I think that when you have a "good" relationship its hurtful when even little things go wrong or disappoint you. Bizarrely its my friends in "bad" relationships who deal with things much better and put up with a lot more rubbish.

I suppose if you never want to be upset or disappointed the option is to be by yourself, something I contemplated (briefly) but whats that silly phrase, better to have loved and lost and all that. Nanog it might be worth the risk of giving him a second chance IF you still love him.

sorry i was not trying to out do Nanog. My ex-BF was nastier than her DH but in terms of damage done... well he was only a BF not a DH with whom I had children so it doesn't compare.

Good luck Nanog, I hope you can sort this out and get on with your life again.

Sorry quinne, I meant that I was sorry to be talking about me on nanogs post - not you! Gosh its a circle of apology! I thought what you had to say was very appropriate and fitting.

Hi Nanog

Hope you are alright. Are things working out ok for you?

Yes, glad someone found this thread again, I was wondering how things panned out too...

hi nanog, I'm back from hospital. Also wondering how you were. I hope you're well and things have calmed down. >>Hug