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Original poster

Am I being paranoid?

391 replies

nanog · 04/08/2008 12:28

Last Fri at abt 5pm DH was about to get into the shower. He started to have a shave and I told him I was going out to meet a friend for a quick drink. I'd be back in an hour. DS1 and DS2 were both at home with him.

On my way to meet my friend, I recieve a txt from her to say she can no longer meet, so I turn the car round and go home. I was back home in 5min. As I enter the house, I see the kids both playing. I opened the bathroom door to pop my head round and say hello to DH, but DH wasn't there.

I searched every room and he was nowhere to be seen. The back door to the garden was wide open and so was the garage door. I entered the garage and he was sat naked, half shaven with a phone i've never seen before.I asked him what on earth he was doing sitting stark naked in the garage, in a jokey way. He said nothing and I'm just so confused by then that I didn't know what else to say to him. I also noticed a phone charger plugged into a socket in the garage.

I started to piece together things that have happened, like how he spends a lot of time in the garage when he returns from work each day. I always assumed he was putting his tools away, but now i'm thinking otherwise.

I'm questioning why he would need another (secret) mobile phone. i can only think the worst right?

It was bugging me all weekend so last night I asked him about the phone. He told me its a very old phone he used to own and someone at work told him he could enter a code and then make free calls from it. I questioned further whether it actually worked and he said he tried, but got cut off. I said how gr8 it would be to have a phone wher we wouldn't have to pay for calls, but he said that he didn't think it was possible. more like he didn't want me to see the phone right?

Since I saw the phone in the garage on the fri, he has hid it. I can't find it anywhere. He doesn't leave it around like his other mobile phone. Why would he hide this from me?

I've never felt this way before. We've been married for 10 years. Should I be suspiscious? Is he upto something and how do I find out?

OP posts:
themoon66 · 08/08/2008 11:59

Right.... take the charger and hide it!

beanieb · 08/08/2008 12:00

Where is teh phone now? If it was downstairs last night, is it inteh garage or has he taken it to work?

Freckle · 08/08/2008 12:04

How do you know he is playing footy or at his parents? Are you certain that is where he is? Or have you just been taking his word for it?

When was the last time he visited his parents? You could call them and mention it saying he thought he'd left his mobile there or something. If he was there, they'll confirm it, if he wasn't, well .....

Original poster
nanog · 08/08/2008 12:05

this morning, i've searched everywhere for that phone. inside the house and the garage. I can't find it, so I assume he's taken it to work with him.

OP posts:
Kally · 08/08/2008 12:08

If you are going to buy that 'thing' then perhaps you can look at his other mobile to see if anything is out of turn. Originally he must have started 'whatever' from his regular use phone. Thats if you want to pry that deeply.
I am so sorry for you. I bet you wish you could rewind the whole thing and do things differently... or what would be the outcome had you gone out that evening anyway... or even arrived a few minutes later and perhaps heard him talking to someone.
I really hope for you that it is nothing other than some silly thing, (even sexchat stuff is forgivable)(and workable) but hang in there and don't let it drive you crazy although easier said than done I am sure.

Original poster
nanog · 08/08/2008 12:10

We're at his parents most nights together until 8pm.

I know he's at footy otherwise his mates would be phoning me up, asking where he was.

If he was meeting someone it would prob be on a once a month basis. He's too busy with work and fixing things around our house, the tenants or at his parents.

The only thing that I can think of (worst case scenario) is that he is either using the sex chat lines or has been seeing a prostitute. This may seem like a horrible thing to say, but the only issue he ever seems to have with our relationship is the lack of sex. We probably have sex on average once or twice a week. He would prefer to do it every nite! I physically and mentally can't do it. Since having the kids i have noticed myself, my loss of libido. He doesn't understand that my needs are different. I would prefer us to talk and go out than have sex. Wheras I sometimes all he ever wants from me is sex and nothing else.

OP posts:
themoon66 · 08/08/2008 12:10

Please take the charger out of the garage. Hide it. If he cannot charge the phone he will go searching for the charger and you can then 'find' it and plug it in indoors for him.

wannaBe · 08/08/2008 12:12

What I find is that he went to the garage.

You were out. So why didn't he just go to the garage and get the phone and bring it back upstairs?

You don't have to have topup cards any more, but they're an easy solution for if you don't want your top ups to show on your phone bill.

I would lay my money on:

either he's having an affair,

Or he's getting some kind of porn texts to that phone - video clips maybe? I don't know about those kinds of subscriptions, but I believe it is possible to subscribe to services that send you video clips on all manner of things such as sport/news/music, so no reason why there couldn't be such services for porn?

What I would do is when he comes home tonight say that you know everything. Tell him that you found the phone and you know everything. Chances are that he will panic and will head straight to where the phone is and then you can demand to see it because then he has been caught out.

quinne · 08/08/2008 12:18

You are doing well holding onto your temper! I'd be really angry by now and demanding that he stops messing me around - if there is nothing, then prove it by getting out of bed and getting that phone for me right now. Don't dare think about going to sleep until this is resolved!!! As i say.. you are nicer than me.

Original poster
nanog · 08/08/2008 12:19

I am defintiely going to ask him as soon as he comes home tonight for the phone.

OP posts:
themoon66 · 08/08/2008 12:24

Don't pretend to have found the phone because chances are he keeps it with him at all times, so will know you are lying.

Original poster
nanog · 08/08/2008 12:30

I'm not going to lie or pretend. Because that's exactly what he is doing. He doesn't seem to realise he's digging himself into a bigger hole!

OP posts:
misselizabethbennett · 08/08/2008 12:55

I've been watching your thread nanog and I really feel for you. I had an experience where I didn't trust my DH for a while due to some texts he was sending to a woman I didn't know. The texts were just friendly, but I didn't like it. I won't go into details but it turned out it was nothing (to him), and perhaps a bit of unproven flirting (to me). Anyway, he stopped as soon as I talked to him, and we moved on. Things are now good, and I never bring this up now.

Why am I telling you this? Because I WISH that when we did talk about it I was a bit stronger in pushing for answers on some of the facts I had, and that I'd been a bit more assertive in how I dealt with it. I did get a lot out of him, and it did help us talk about our own relationship a bit more, but I was definitely reluctant to push it too much.

Some of the things you've said remind me a little of myself - wanting to avoid confrontation, never having experienced any doubts about him before in 10 years, etc.

But you've raised this with him now, so I'd really urge you to really think about exactly what you want to know, and insist upon getting your answers. It may be that once this has blown over you'll be left with unanswered questions that continue to bother you.

Good luck.

Kally · 08/08/2008 17:28

Looking back on things with my EH, yes, you should be more assertive. We always look back and think, 'why didn't I insist on this that or the other'... My EH was having an affair and when I think back I was such a softie when I had every right to question things in an insistsnt manner. wish I had now. MissLizBen I totally agree with you. Noone smarter than the owner of a past experience!

Original poster
nanog · 08/08/2008 20:20

missLixBen, thank u so much for ur wise words of wisdom. Ur rite abt everything. However, i'm really trying to get some answers and his responses are not helping.

Everyone on this thread has been incredibly helpful, so thank u.

The situation seems to be getting worse. i asked him at the dinner table abt the phone. He said it was upstairs and he hadn't managed to get it working. I told him i'd take a look at it for him and he said he'd bring it down after dinner. After clearing the table, he hurriedly got his trainers on and kissed me goodbye, he was off to play footy, which indicates he's reluctant to show me the phone.

I will now bring the charger inside the house and when he returns I will say to him, that i've been trying to find this phone, but cannot locacte it. Can you just give it to me????!! AAGGHHH!!

OP posts:
muckypups · 08/08/2008 20:33

You will never get the truth from your Dh.

You need to get the phone, everything will be deleted and you will be none the wiser.

Take the sim card out (tell your husband youve lost it if you have too) and buy that spy thingy and find out what has been going on.

At least then you will know the truth for definate.

Good Luck XX

Original poster
nanog · 08/08/2008 20:41

thanks muckypups - that's exactly wat i intend on doing

OP posts:
Kally · 08/08/2008 20:45

He knows you're really focused on this now. Best for you to act very unsuspicious and relaxed about the whole thing as if you really DO want to help him get it working and 'won't it be lovely to have all those free calls' that a person so and so had something similar, just act as if you're buying it all.

Alexa808 · 09/08/2008 07:23

Hey fatbob, no 'course not, don't be silly

I worked in an environment where we used to have a lot of surveillance and I know what works and what doesn't. You could order this from anywhere but I have ordered from the shop before and find them genuine and the equipment is of good quality. Nanog obviously wants peace of mind and I'm telling her what might help. If you knew something that might help another person, wouldn't you share your knowledge, wouldn't you.

Nanog, I think you have to rest your case for a while. He's obviously not going to divulge any info. Best to keep an eye on him and check for receipts, bank statements, anything out of the ordinary. His explanations are still weird, why run out to the garage to get a charger and then sit there w. the phone? 'tis bizarre.

Good luck!!

turtle23 · 09/08/2008 07:49

Just to add...my DH suddenly had an extra sim card that was for "work" and he started acting just as protective as yours about where his phone was. He had been having quite an expilcit text exchange with a girl who he admits he was thinking about having sex with (but says he didn't.) I was 3 months pg at the time and I still check his phone and wallet. hate that I no longer trust him.
You have to make him see how important it is for you to see this phone. Tell him you have a friend who is genius at fixing mobiles and DEMAND that you take it. Give him opportunity to wipe it to show you're not going to delve, then buy sim reader immediately!!

Kaedsmum · 09/08/2008 11:27

Is it a camera phone? Could he have been taking naked pics and sending them to someone?

If I was you I'd go mad, demand he give me the phone now and not leave it until he did. then I wouldn't give him it back, and say you don't care if you look paranoid, he's acting suspicious and how would he feel if it was the other way round.

Kally · 09/08/2008 11:36

Oh gosh...OF COURSE!!! I never thought of that, neither did anyone else here!!! That would explain the naked state... (Is there good lighting in that garage)... Oh shute Nanog you HAVE to get that phone. Kaedsmum... how come you thought of that!

lilacclaire · 09/08/2008 11:40

Nanog you need to stop treading softly know and demand the phone. He knows you know so time to stop being so polite with each other.

The phone seems to move around a lot for being an old broken one.

Kaedsmum · 09/08/2008 11:40

Because an ex did it to me... so it's definately feasable... but if it's an old phone it might not have a camera?

wannaBe · 09/08/2008 14:34

if this was my dh I would have given an ultimatum by now. Sorry but I would.

He is lying to you, there is no doubt about that, so I would say:

"well, it's obvious to me that you're having an affair. You have a secret mobile phone that you keep moving around the house, I found you naked with it in the garage, you won't let me see it, so I know that there is someone else. Now, obviously for you to be having an affair you feel there is something wrong with our marriage. So, I want you to tell me everything. If I know what's what then maybe we can work on things together, or if you want to be with her then at least I can come to terms with that too. But if you won't tell me the truth then I can only assume that you are no longer the man I married and can trust and so it's over and I'm leaving."

And if he refused to tell me anything I would leave. Even if only for a day or two. Maybe it would make him wake up and realize what he stands to lose.

Obviously not everyone would feel they could do that, but for me, once the trust had gone, there would be no way to get it back without a discussion about why it had gone and a lot of work, and if he wasn't even prepared to enter into the discussion without it being a pack of lies, I wouldn't feel able to continue with the relationship until he made some effort to be honest with me.