Am I being paranoid?

[nanog]

Last Fri at abt 5pm DH was about to get into the shower. He started to have a shave and I told him I was going out to meet a friend for a quick drink. I'd be back in an hour. DS1 and DS2 were both at home with him.

On my way to meet my friend, I recieve a txt from her to say she can no longer meet, so I turn the car round and go home. I was back home in 5min. As I enter the house, I see the kids both playing. I opened the bathroom door to pop my head round and say hello to DH, but DH wasn't there.

I searched every room and he was nowhere to be seen. The back door to the garden was wide open and so was the garage door. I entered the garage and he was sat naked, half shaven with a phone i've never seen before.I asked him what on earth he was doing sitting stark naked in the garage, in a jokey way. He said nothing and I'm just so confused by then that I didn't know what else to say to him. I also noticed a phone charger plugged into a socket in the garage.

I started to piece together things that have happened, like how he spends a lot of time in the garage when he returns from work each day. I always assumed he was putting his tools away, but now i'm thinking otherwise.

I'm questioning why he would need another (secret) mobile phone. i can only think the worst right?

It was bugging me all weekend so last night I asked him about the phone. He told me its a very old phone he used to own and someone at work told him he could enter a code and then make free calls from it. I questioned further whether it actually worked and he said he tried, but got cut off. I said how gr8 it would be to have a phone wher we wouldn't have to pay for calls, but he said that he didn't think it was possible. more like he didn't want me to see the phone right?

Since I saw the phone in the garage on the fri, he has hid it. I can't find it anywhere. He doesn't leave it around like his other mobile phone. Why would he hide this from me?

I've never felt this way before. We've been married for 10 years. Should I be suspiscious? Is he upto something and how do I find out?

Fellow MN's - I know what his response to this will be. He'll just clam up and deny it all. I could show him the evidence and he'll sit there and he'll say he doesn't know why he does it. TBH - now that I've seen the amount of calls on his itemised billing, the websites etc, i don't want him anywhere near me.

What I don't understand is how much this is costing him. The calls are obviously free because he has 300 free minutes a month, but surely the girls he is chatting to, want some kind of payment for the chat services. Does anyone know how it works?

I was thinking about approaching a male friend to enquire. But not sure I could trust him.

btw - I've made an appt to see the nurse tomorrow. I just feel sick and depressed really.

thank you to everyone here. I'm going to get supper ready now and pretend to act normal.

Do you really think you have a future together?

If not I would just petition him for divorce citing his unreasonable behaviour - listing all this stuff that he has done.

It must be horrendous. He is clearly addicted and completely in denial.

nanog, sorry you're going through all this. Have to agree with CarGirl, if only to get him to realise how seriously you're taking it.

And another thing, he no longer recieves paper bank statements. He checks them online. We have a joint account, so I'm going to demand to see it. That way I can see exactly what purchases have been made.

Splitting up would not only destroy the children, but also both our families. My family have so much respect for DH and I'm very close to all of DH's family. I've always made an effort with them and actually, i genuinely like many of his cousins.

In my culture, divorce would mean I'd be treated as an outcast - even tho it's not my fault. So, IF I decide to seperate, even on a temp basis, it will be on my terms and he has got to set the record straight, so that no one thinks it had anything to do me.

He knows you are worried about the fallout on your families and is using to his advantage - he thinks because it would cause shame and you would be an outcast you will not ever actually do it.

Please believe me when most people do realise they do not know what goes on behind closed doors - and i bet there would be more support than you think from all sides.

I doubt he would ever 'own up' to it all being his fault - he would do what most men do and somehow make it out to be your problem.

I know it is hard but you must try not to worry about what others think - you know the truth he knows it too and in the future the children will know too.

Please dont lower yourself to making him go public - because he will tell people what he wants anyway and if you protest too much people will wonder why you are defending it. Let him throw the mud - stick to the moral high ground and dont lower youself to his sorid level ever.

Good luck to you again.

Awwww... Nanog, I really hoped it all went for the better but just saw your recent posts and I am so sorry for you. Poor you. I suggest you find out as much as you can, confront him, see if it has actually gone physical (he may just enjoy getting roused up and doing the video thing in the garage) . That in itself is a bit disturbing but it may be workable with a lot of effort and dedication.
I don't know what to say but I send my support and hugs your way.

Could you go to one of them women in your DH family "in confidence" and tell them what is happening and ask for their advice to make your husband happy?

This is a bit of an underhand tactic in letting it be known to his family now.

Hi Kally, nice to see you bac and many thanks for your kind words.

Happy Woman, I agree with all that you say. I will confront him about this eventually and if it leads to us going our seperate ways, then I suppose I'll get to know who my friends truly are.

The DC are being a helpful distraction and until I get my head round this, I'm going on, as if everything is normal.

Just thinking about how I may confront this is actually leading me to write everything down, just so I don't miss anything off. there is just so much to take in - his deporable actions, the impact on me emotionally, the consquences of him not seeing the DC (if i was to leave) etc.

I expect he'll beg for forgiveness and will want me to give him that 2nd chance. I just don't think I can. He's betrayed my trust and felt the need to engage in sexual conversations with many other women. I have not yet established whether he has met one or many of these women and until I have explored all pathways, I'm not going to give up on my quest to find the truth. Because I won't get the truth from him. I will have to show him the evidence.

It is getting worse. Do you mean you checked the google history, so he had been searching 'girls in coventry looking for sex' is that what he typed into Google??

That is totally incriminating. Can you get onto the online billing for your credit card and see what/if he bought from angels and sinners? Maybe he was just browsing and didn't buy. If you have a joint account you are also entitled to a logon and password, either call up to get this activated o ask at your branch.

I'm sorry but your DH sounds like a cock, and a bloody lier as well. If he continues to fob you off and deny it you have to 'out him' to your family. Can you threaten him to do this if he doesn't tell you the truth?

AnnasBananas - he deleted the google history, but I checked the internet history. (he hasn't figured this out yet!). He's not got great ICT skills, which is why he writes all his passwords down on paper. I just then have to try and locate them in his hiding places and that's how I managed to access his mobile account online. Again, it is a joint account, but he is the main accountholder.

Good thinking about the joint bank account. i hadn't thought about getting my own acccess to this. I'll get onto the bank first thing tomorrow, altho I know this will take some time to set up.

Yes, I think he has been a complete idiot. He's been going on at me about lack of sex, when actually he is satisfying himself in other ways. I know what he would say in his own defence - that I'm obviously not satisfying him. Yet, he never seems to complain when we are engaged in sex.

Nanog This just is getting no better. You said 'In my culture, divorce would mean I'd be treated as an outcast' which is really unfair when he is te one that is the wrong. I live in Brighton and if you live anywhere near me and just want to meet for a chat email me on [email protected]

Or you can just email me for a chat.

Nanog - if ending a marriage is not accepted in your culture, then what is the accepted way to deal with a husband who behaves badly?

Would it be perhaps that your family would talk to his family about his behaviour?

Whatever it is, you need to use it to try to resolve this because this is no way to live. I can see why outing him as the bad guy doesn't really help anyone, especially your DC (apart from the obvious immediate revenge it would offer) but is there someone whom he would respect that either you could ask to talk to him about his behaviour?

Honestly though, if it the sort of thing which is condoned or just ignored and you are expected not to make a fuss, then you will have a very tough choice to make: put up with it, or give it all up. That would be horrible and unfair because this is not your fault.

PS It is his failing not yours that he feels the need to use prostitutes. You are not a substitute for them/ they are not a substitute for you.

My Asian friend divorced her first husband because of his abusive treatment of her and desipte that she was treated by the wider community as it was all her "fault". I would agree with the premise that due to the perceived shame of divorce you would not see it through. He is using that as an advantage against you. It also gives him free reign to carry on behaving as he likes because he thinks no matter what he does you won't leave.

BTW what was his reaction when you went to your Mum's with the children?.

Revenge is a dish best served cold. No point in talking to his family; they'll all likely side with him anyway, particularly his parents. You need to talk to your husband and soon. What do you want from such a confrontation?.

Get joint access to your bank account asap.
Infact if the account is held with a high street bank you can go into the branch and ask for paper statements.

Re this comment of yours:-
"there is just so much to take in - his deporable actions, the impact on me emotionally, the consquences of him not seeing the DC (if i was to leave) etc"

There is indeed much to take in, all this has come as a seismic shock to you. I was wondering though what you exactly meant by the part of your comment which begins, "the consequences of him not seeing the DC (if I was to leave) etc".

Hi Sara..thanks for the offer. I was actually planning a visit to Brighton on 9th Oct, but it now clashes with parents evening, so we'll have to arrange a meet up for some other time.

His reaction to me going to my mother's, was that I was the one over-reacting and there realy wasn't any need for me to. I told him we needed some time apart, to think about the last couple of days (i.e. the previous confrontation about the phone) He was understanding, but then again, maybe he wanted me out of the way, so that he could continue with the sex calls and possible meetings. He didn't hassle me not to go, probably because he knew I'd be back.

And yes, I agree - DH is probably thinking that he can get away with this a) because what she doesn't know won't hurt her (but I do know, not that he knows, i know!) and b) if I was to confront him about this, he's probably thinking that I'll never leave him.

Well, I won't give him the chance to think like that, because I will pose a threat to him and his entire family. My DH is an only son (with one sister - married). My DC, both boys, are the heir to their empire. Taking them away from the family, will destroy them emotionally and I know DH will do everything in his power to avoid this from happening.

When this all comes to a head and I confront him about it, I can possibly do one of 3 things
1 - I leave him and move back in with my mother. This would mean uprooting the DC, change of schools etc. I know there will be many meetings between the 2 families to resolve this. I expect they will all tell me to give him another chance. But once that trust has been broken, how on earth do I salvage anything from that? My mother is quite old and lives alone (My father died, when I was quite young) and she will have to deal with the Asian community making the snide comments about the fallout of my marriage. I really don't think I could do this to her. So I suppose, moving back to my mother's isn't really an option.

2 - We continue living together, but leading very seperate lives. Can this work? Benefits - little disruption to DC schooling. Grandparents still get to see them on a regular basis. I suppose there are financial benefits too.

3 - I move out with DC to away from both his family and mine. Don't know whether this is feasible due to finances. I earn a good salary, i work full time and I currenrly have free childcare (grandparents) and all these circumstances, I expect would change.

Gosh, there is just so much to think about.

It can work if you BOTH want it to. And letting the family know why you feel like you do is a good start - otherwise they will just think you are 'nagging' old wife......

For it to work you h will have to be more open and honest in the future - and if his family are willing to help there could be a future, however if they think like him they may just think you are over-reacting and should just put up and shut- up and count your blessings .

Dont be embararresed it is him that should be holding his head in shame not you.

Good luck

There is another option - you can formally ask him to move out. Go and see a lawyer and find out your rights (you don't necessarily have to follow them up!) and then confront him with the facts and that you have taken legal advice - and scare the shit out of him.

Scare him. He has thrown the spanner into your lives bigtime and needs to pay the consequences and come to his senses. You leaving will make you the guilty party in other's eyes, disrupt the kids and let him carry on with his sordid shit regardless. Take him out of his comfort zone. Frighten him into taking responsibility for his actions - and you know what - if he doesn't come good and turn his life round, you are better off with out him. How do you want to be in ten years time? Still questioning each time you leave the house, looking up phone bills, wondering about what he is thinking about?

Don't make it public. The moment other people know, there is no going back.

His behaviour is unacceptable in a marriage. He needs to wake up and smell the coffee.

Good luck. And think five years down the line when you are feeling wobbly! Either with or without him, it HAS to be better than things are now, for all your sakes.

nanog

I would agree with ggglimpopo's response and consider the 4th option put to you (i.e you seeking legal advice and him moving out). Why should your children and yourself be the ones to move out?. After all, you are not the guilty parties here, why should your children be put through any more unheaval than they already have. They also likely are aware that something is amiss between their Mum and Dad, no matter how much it is hidden.

I think for many and varied reasons none of the three options you quoted will be at all helpful (in particular option 2).

BTW my Asian friend's mother (not just to say my friend) took a lot of crap re her daughter divorcing from the wider community as well. However, she came to the conclusion that they should actually butt out of her daughter's business.

I will end with one more piece of counsel for you. Your sons are still entitled to a relationship with their Dad and grandparents if you separate permanently. If you do separate do not bad mouth him in front of your children.

You're all right. I won't make this known to anyone else, in case we can salvage something of our marriage. It's the lies that are getting me down.

I will make an appt to see a solictor next week and to request the bank statements. If I get time this afternoon, I'll pop down to the bank.

Thank you all for responding.

I am not trying to make you feel worse but I really want you to be aware of another aspect of this situation. Your husband is engaging in reckless and potentially dangerous behaviour. If he is indulging his fantasies on his own, that is one thing, but you need to be sure he isn?t having physical contact with other people that could affect YOU and your health. I don?t know how you can manage that exactly, perhaps demand that he wears condoms or refuse to sleep with him until he gets tested. I?m sorry if this seems extreme but that last thing you and your DC need is for you to get ill. Please think about it at any rate.

That is a good point greyclay.

If he is sleeping with ow he could be effecting your long term health. Please get yourself checked out.

GC and HW - thanks for your posts. I have just come back from seeing the nurse. I didn't get to see the one I normally see, so I felt like I couldn't open up to her about wanting to do tests linked to STD's. I've been having menstrual probs, so she did a pregnancy test and it was negative, which was a massive relief.

I'll pop into one those GUM clinics on Fri, but this got me thinking - i've been on the pill long term, PLUS I've always made him wear a condom. (Double protection, since I had an ectopic 4 years ago)

I know nothing is 100%, so I will definitely get myself checked out.

Hi, I thought I'd post you the latest update on this sorry saga! The only way to deal with this, was to confront him about it, which I did last night. Oh, it was awful! First, the denials. He said Orange had messed up big time and that he would be on the phone to them this morning to ask why those calls were showing on the itemised billing - I mean, oh pleeeease! By this point, I was begninning to lose it and I said there was no way, he could argue against Orange. I said how do you think the police manage to trace calls, because they have rights to liaise with the phone companies and access phone records.

Anyway, he kept denying it, so I asked him to explain the websites. So, he then admitted to looking at the websites, but promised me he had never met up with any woman. He said he would never get time, because he goes straight to work, and then comes straight back home. He then had the cheek to ask me what websites I'd be looking at, and how would he ever know what I'd been looking at, because I seem to be good at finding things out, something he's not so good at. I couldn't believe how he was twisting this around on me!

Anyway, he then admitted to the phone calls. He said they were not sordid sex lines, but someone he could speak when he was bored. I asked him about what the conversations entailed. He completing clammed up and could recall the conversations. What he did say was that they were not engaged in any sordid conversation, but more like 'hi, how are you'. Why is he lying to me?

Then the truth was spilling out...he said he gets bored and lonely when I'm not around. I go out once a month with some girlfriends for a meal and then I stay away from work once a month. I avoid having to stay away any longer, because actually I don't like staying away and I would prefer to be at home. Anyway, his excuse doesn't make much sense, because he's made many calls to the personal services lines, when he's at work and I'm at home.

He tells me has a high sex drive, which I'm not satisfying. We have sex twice a week and he said that isn't enough. He wanted to channel his frustration by looking at the websites and making the calls. He says I don't seem as interested by having sex more frequently. The truth is I'm not. I'm quite happy with how things are and I wish he had spoken to be about this, before he decided to make the calls. Actually, we have spoken about it on a number of occasions, but it's obvious we haven't really dealt with the issues.

He knows he's hurt me big time, and says he's not gone out there on purpose to hurt me. He says he loves me more now than ever before.

I can feel myself just accepting his apology and going back to normal life, because there is so much at stake here. I don't want to disrupt my life and the DC. I knew that somehow he would make this out to be my fault, which makes me soooo angry. I feel cheated and I strongly feel like I can't trust him anymore, because of the constant lies.

I'd welcome any advice please.

Oh Nanog...
Listen people make a go at rectifying things after much worse scenarios. If he hasn't been actually physically involved then perhaps this is all workable.
I was married to a guy for 26 years who had (what I thought) was a higher sex-drive than me. He wanted it all the time and eventually I was avoiding him like the plague. I thought it was me with low sex drive. But it wasn't, my sexdrive is as high as anyones given the right person.(I later found out).

My EH DID have affairs ad we still worked it out and trundled along, but we did eventually part after 15 years (after the main affair). He always complained that I didn't 'give' him enuf.

My sex drive was even lower after that affair! And I threw every sentence in the book at him when he complained. But I couldn't get turned on to him after that, not easily anyway. Will you? Do you think all this will upset things even further with your 'supposed' low sex drive? Didn't he think of that? This was the problem with me and my EH and we eventually parted and I now know there is no such thing as a low sex drive, it's all the underlying things going on that effects a low sex drive.

Go for counselling, perhaps you can revive, forgive, reset, its always worth a good try. Marriage is not a bed of roses and so many on here will agree with me on that and a lot won't. They'll say it should be, but it's not.

I hope you find an answer Nanog. I think you want to salvage this marriage and it may not be too far gone to do so. Just tell him to OPEN UP. Work it. Get help. See how far he's willing to work to save it.

Oh nanog: just read your last post. So very

Will reply tonight. [squeezes hand]

Nanog
I'm so sorry that this has happened to you. IMHO you need to realise what behaviour you are prepared to put up with and each of us are different.
I've lurked on this thread and really wondered what had happened to you.
My concern is the basic lack of honestly displayed by your DH. His denial of the most obvious facts must seem belittling to you.
You can try to tell yourself what you want on the surface but deep down you know that he doesn't call sex lines for a chat and you know that he has done this repeatedly whilst you are around.
His trying to place some of the blame for his behaviour on you makes him worth even less imo.
Most men who cheat blame some aspect of it on their oh rather than their own needy selfish bullshit.
He sounds a wanker and he won't change as he can't even be basically honest.
You poor poor thing xx