Glam & fab part 7 - from strength to strength

[UC]

Thought I'd start this one off on a positive spin? Hope you all find it..

cod - I speak from experience of parents divorcing but in my experience there are broadly three situations in which men have affairs:

1 - overtaken by madness type (either drink or lust related) when the man is often horrified at what he has done. Wife is horrified as she couldn't ever imagine him cheating on her. Massively painful for all concerned but if both want it probably resolveable because fundamentally Dh is the same person and wants to be married to DW and has shocked himself

2 - unhappy in marriage and seeks the answer in another woman - if DW is also unhappy most likely the end of the marriage and probably confirms what each of them knew deep down.

3 - serial shagger - wants to stay married just wants to have other more exciting relationships as well. DW either knows or suspects and ignores it because she's scared of him leaving thereby encouraging him to beleive that he can have both. The tabu of an affair is broken (by H) and therefore he is likely to have more affairs but be much more careful not to get caught or get into affaris where the OW might demand more of him. DW will put up with it becasue she is terrified of him leaving. She is terrified of being left on her own, of her life changing 100% and starts to feel grateful that he is prepared to consider staying with her.

Obviously this is a vast simplification but I suspect your sister's H falls into category 3. If it were my sister I would say to her once:

"I want you and the children to be happy, I think you will be happier without him and that you deserve better. But it is your choice and if you choose to try to make it work then I will help you do that if there is anything I can do. We don't need to discuss this again unless you want to but always know that you can say anything you like to me and it will not go any further and I will never judge you for your choices".

I followed your thread cod and was really shocked at the extent of his lies

I think yes, your sis probably is denial, and yes, I bet she is desperate to keep him. Desperate to keep her family together, desperate to hold onto the future she planned with him, and also desperate to hold onto the wonderful, fun, loving man that he can be. (Unless that's all an act too)

Definitely agree with the others and what you're doing in terms of supporting her. My 2 sisters want to KILL my H. They are livid. They somehow feel cheated by him too. They loved him to bits so are devastated for me, but also for themselves, and the loss of the BIL they thought they had.

It's hard for the relatives to put their own feelings aside. But it's the best thing for now.

Your sister has known about all of this for a long time hasn't she? My bet is that she's already had the angry stage. She's processed it all, weighed up her options, and still wants to be with him.

I do agree with you that he's being let off lightly. Most definitely.

But I understand too. My H had me feeling sorry for him when he was getting upset over ending it with OW too! But you're so desperate to save your marriage at that stage that you'll do whatever it takes.

It's horrendous for all involved. But seems like she's made up her mind and like you say, think long term and just support her as best you can.

It's not easy though. I know. My sisters are 18 and 19 so they don't have that same constraint and tell me exactly how it is every time I see them.
Including calling me a 'complete nutter' for considering giving H another chance! Fair enough comment I think!

Crikey, have had to skim read...

Baffy, hope the cystitis is getting better? Have you been to the doc to check it hasn't infected your kidneys?

Also Baffy, I think you were right a day or so ago - we spend all our energy trying to fight for our partners, and once we have them where we want them, then we begin to question whether we really want them, and I think that's when the anger sets in, that's when it floods out and we want to scream and shout.

PC how are you feeling?

Hello Cod, I was so sorry to hear about your sister. I didn't realise he'd tried to come home. i would be worried that if they try and go back to how it was before, this will just happen again, esp since he's had 2 long term affairs. will he go to counselling with her? Will she go on her own?

I also wish your brother hadn't said that about a spectator sport. One of the ways I have dealt with what's happening to me is to talk about it. And she should be able to talk to her family at the very least!

Well, news here. I spoke with h yesterday, asked him to come and take all his stuff, mentioned the D word - but he didn't take up the offer, prefers a financial agreement while separated. . told him what I wanted re. joint assets like bank account. I took control. Now we wait...

UC you're still doing really well and sounding so strong. Keep it up.

Haven't been to doctor. Thought it was clearing up yesterday but was in agony again last night. If no better by tomorrow then I'll go to doc. I'm interviewing for most of today so no time to do anything.

(Except MN of course )

i haven't seen the thread, can someone link it?

UC, am okay thanks. Still tired and too many questions in my mind but not enough energy to address them

baffy, yeh hope you're feeling better too.

sorry, should have said that last night but wasn't on the ball - as per usual these days!

PC do you mean Cod's thread?

I was on it, but it's gone from my 'threads I'm on' so I think she must have had it deleted

Or do you meant this should I stay thread? I read the first page, I felt sick, I came out of it. I am not going back in. My God.

erm, i mean cod's sister thread. not sure if that is it tbh.

No, it's definitely gone PC

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Hi everyone - I've missed you all!
I'm trying to catch up on this but there's so much of it, might take me a few days!
Here's my update anyway - the holiday turned into the holiday from hell. He was lovely for a week and a half then turned into a monster again. He'd been pestering me for sex every night and (apart from once ) I refused. This night he had drunk quite a few beers at the hotel bar then came up and tried it on and I didn't want to so he said "if you don't I'll go back to the bar!" . He came back at 2am drunk out of his mind, woke ds1 and his dd up, made them cry, he ended up taunting me in front of his dd about my past and childhood stuff (those of you on the FB group will know what I'm on about).
Then I lost it big time and couldn't stop crying, while he was raging in the hotel room calling me and his dd all sorts of vile names. We managed to get into the other room just to get away from him (had 2 adjoining rooms) and he then locked us out, so the 4 of us had to sleep in a tiny twin room.
Next morning I found he'd taken all the cards out of my purse and the key to the safe deposit box and I was told he was in control now and if I didn't do as I was told I'd have no money .
After a few days of arguing and screaming in front of the kids, he let me have access to the money, but refused to apologise, saying I?d driven him to it, then started trying it on again that night . I refused again of course!
Needless to say that is it for me. I?ve hit my rock bottom with him. The fact that he can betray my trust like that not once, but twice and in front of his 15 year old dd just proves that he is beyond help.
I have never been so relieved to get on a plane to England in my whole life.
Sorry its all me me me ? but I?m at work and can?t be on too long!
Will try and catch up properly later.
x

OMFG Ginny! and to bring up all the past stuff too! What an absolute bastard!

(Sorry for the language!)

I have to run off to interviews now but couldn't leave that post unanswered. His poor dd too I think you're best as far away from him as possible. For good. And I never thought I'd say that.

Note for anyone who has had to make a quick getaway: always, always take your handbag. Well OK, and the baby too of course.

Ginny

WTF is he on! He really has hit rock bottom and further i think. He absolutely cannot see any of this as his problem can he ?
His poor dd he can never make this up to her.
I suppose it was the final nail in the coffin and reaffirmed that this was the end anyway.
Poor you , how are you feeling ? It must be so hard esp after you glimpsed the old him for the first week!

Baffy don't leave it if it isn't clearing get yourself to the docs and get it sorted!

UC wow how are you remaining so calm through all this ? Why NO to the divorce ?

PC sorry to hear you so down

McD any news on the money situation ? We struggling too at the minute as dp's buisness costs are coming back to bite us and we really struggling to make ends meet.

Cod agree with the others. It's hard to stand back but i think your sister has made her decision and all you can do is support her in that. But also let her know if she ever did change her mind that she would have your full support too!

Dior is it weigh in today ? If so good luck!

Hope everyone else ok

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Well done Dior. Your blog is fab and your picture is stunning.
I wish you would believe us - you are gorgeous as you are.

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dior, well done! Please start believing us now!

God Ginny I hope you are ok what a twunt
Bad start to my day - funny how the smallest of things triggers you off - my on call day at work so start busy and stressed - rushing to get ready and girsl ready to go - H arrives early so me thinking thank god has come to help - but nope spends 20mins farting about with his car on the drive while I rush around like a look....
So I spill a bowl of milk for baby's breakfast all down the units and into the drawers - and give him a shout to come and help - he saunters in and puts kettle on and says well I don't normally come till half past but had to put diesel in the truck first (stored in my garage for his stupid truck which we can't afford)....
Well I lost it big time Just screamed at him a huge tirade - all the pent up emotion stress and anger from the last few months just pored out - didn't help I checked her FB friends last night (why do I do it???) and there are more and more of his (our old friends) on her friends list - so he tells me he has no realtionship with her other than the baby but his friends are all her friends IYSWIM and muggins here is doing everything and paying for it....
Only stopped screaming at him when DD1 and 2 started crying .....
Oh well it needed saying and I can't keep pretending it is all ok if we get a divorce now he will be much worse off financially than if I sorted it out (if that is even possible)
Gotta do some work

oh no macd that sounds awful, but fwiw, I think it's been coming for a while and you needed to get it out. He does need to hear all this. You're bottling everything up, coping all alone, and you just can't carry on like this. You're going to end up a total wreck!

How did he take it? And how's things now? Let us know you're ok.

Ginny how are you?

And PC?

Dior congratulations. That's fantasic news

Well my H is making a massive effort. He really is trying his best. But he still hasn't told OW (wants her to get the move over with first) and I just don't know how I feel anymore. I really do wonder if it's too late

I have a lovely weekend with ds to look forward to at my aunties wedding though, so still smiling

TFM are you lurking? Are you ok?

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I'm not sure what her NM thinks, I bet he has no idea they're in contact so much. She really shows him no respect AT ALL. I actually can't believe just what he's willing to take on for her, and pay for it all too! It's unreal. (I know I can talk!!)

There's got to be something I don't know though. How a bloke would accept that the girl he was seeing (he's been with her since the start of this year) was sleeping around with a married man, behind his back, and deliberately got pregnant to try and keep the married man (I made sure he knew that! ), then when he said he didn't want her, just take her back, accept the other man's child, offer to buy them a house, support her and the child emotionally and financially, with no questions asked?! It doesn't add up can this girl be that speacial that these men will do anything to make her happy??
Am I missing something?

Anyway, H has this weekend to speak to her. The house move was this week. That's his last excuse over with. Ds and I are away all weekend so he has all the time he needs to sort this.

I must have some faith in him. It's his friend's wedding next week up in Scotland and I'm making plans to go to it with him. I want to go. But I swear that if she doesn't know the truth I'm not going. And I really mean that. I'm not letting her spoil our first weekend away in 18 months. I'd rather stay at home.

On that subject, have you seen my thread in the camping section?! You won't believe what H was expecting us to do for this wedding... but that's another story!!

McD poor you and the girls.

Don't feel bad about them they will have forgotten it all now already!

I really don't know how your holding it together but something is going to have to give or you are going to have a breakdown and then your little girls will be lost!

Do you have anyone who can help you out. Give you a break ?

Is he willing to listen to talk of divorce ? Is that enough to shock him ?

Hope your ok!

Baffy will look over there! Well if you make it clear he has a week to tell her or your not going then he will have to act on it end of!

Dior well done you have done marvellous!

Hows everyone else ?
All ok here just plodding along as you do!

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There's a chance it could be.

But she knew her dates, the midwife confirmed the date at the scan H went to, and H was with her that day

There's nothing to say that she wasn't sleeping with them both that day of course.

But he's aware it's H's. He's actually driven her round to H's flat - when they both demanded H sign something to say he's give up all rights to the child!!

He's either totally mad. Or she's so stunningly amazing that he's willing to do anything for her.