Glam & fab part 7 - from strength to strength

[UC]

Thought I'd start this one off on a positive spin? Hope you all find it..

Totally understand lily

Yes I do think it is make or break. I finally got strong enough to set a boundary of what is/isn't acceptable from him. And the one thing I need him to do to prove to me how serious he is about us, it tell her that he is back with me. It's the only thing that will confirm to me that he truly does want to be with me.

Telling friends/family is easy. Ultimately they never wanted us to split up and they're happy if we're happy.

For 18 months his life has been all about her. Her reactions. What she wants. What she needs.
I have to see a change in that behaviour. Otherwise I'll live every day wondering if this will be the day he goes back to her.

He sat in front of me and her last summer, and said that he didn't love me, didn't want to be with me, wanted to be with her and all he cared about was ds. He did that to prove to her that we were over and he was serious about her.

If he could do that for her and humiliate me in that way because she wanted him to, then I'm damn sure that if he wants to save this marriage he can have a quiet one to one conversation with her to explain the real truth.

Although the more I write things like that and remember just what he did to make her happy, the more I wonder if I do really want this man at all

Thanks lily. Yes it's the only thing I need. But if it doesn't happen soon, because he wants to do it and understands why it's so important, then I'm walking away anyway. If I force him into doing it, against his wishes, it's pointless anyway isn't it.

sorry to but in from the sidelines and I know we haven't discussed it Paddle because you don't like to "taint" every aspect of your life with your issues with H but I suspect (thwack me across the back of the head if I'm wrong) that your new raprochement with H has meant that you have moved into a more settled, more separated feeling as far as he is concerned ie he is bahaving more like you are already divorced, being more sensible about contact and being more present in your life but on limited terms. Does it make it feel like you really are separated rather than dealing with an errant DH? Does it feel like there is really no way back from here that would make you happy and yet no way forward that is what you would have wanted for yourself and DD ideally.

I remember that my mothers most difficult phase was when she realised that she really didn't want to live with my father and put up with his ways and wouldn't take him back even if he wanted to come back, and yet she also didn't want to be divorced with all the change in life that entails.

Of course dealing with ASBO boy and no doubt resenting the fact that you wouldn't be dealing with ASBO boy if H hadn't been such a dick doesn't help.

Well then you are right 100% to expect him to do it for you if that is what you need and if he doesn't see why it is important to you you have your answer.

I hope he can

hi kew, funnily enough it's more the opposite.

the more in touch H is, the more he/we seem to be slipping into an easy going half-relationship.

in some ways i'm actually okay with that. we get on well and have a lot of fun but he's not really having to put a great deal of effort in.

the resentment i feel is still there (and building). he gets to live his life as he wishes, dips in and out of our lives when it suits him, still doesn't commit 100% and certainly doesn't put me & dd ahead of anything else unless it suits him.

meanwhile I'm still doing all of the childcare, working my ass off and feeling pretty under the weather whilst he gets to swan in and out for the fun stuff and none of the hard stuff.

but he's very solicitious about being sorry that he doesn't help more

whenever we talk about it he always promises to help out more etc but it never happens.

i dunno, i think i'm actually afraid of getting what i wished for

but on his terms not mine. plus, really can i be arsed with all the baggage and drama that his life entails?

i know he's trying very hard and believe me it's 150% better than a year ago. i know he still finds it incredibly hard so, in theory, what he is managing should mean a great deal to me.

but it doesn't because actually, the more he manages the more it refelcts what he isn't managing and the harder it actually is to consider his mental state.

i want an equal partner who respects and values me. not someone who is around for the good times and who i have to manage like an employee!

y'see me poking my oar in and being completely wonrg shows that you can articualte what you are about.

And I dont blame you - I would (excuse language) be pretty fucking furious if my partner left me with the childcare and went him own merry way.

lol, was that your tactic?!

i'm not furious, i'm just exhausted.

it's really great to have such a good level of communication with him. it's so nice to know that he will call/pick up the phone, just keep in touch at a level other people take for granted.

i really appreciate that and i don't want to go back to the dark days of no contact etc.

but, i don't want to be with him in some half assed way. i want him to be as passionate about dd as I am. and to be passionate about a future with us etc. he/we will need that level of passion to face off the baggage of the exes etc.

we had it once, not sure we can get it back.

i'm too impatient to find out how much more he will improve and if it will be enough for me.

we need to discuss where we're at what each other's expectations are and if we they are reasonable and achievable.

hoping to do that this week.

i said i'd give him till the end of the year so.....

I'm full of cunning plans

LOL Kew

PC do you not think improvements could still be made ?
Maybe you just need to give him more time. Although he has had more time than he rightly deserves.

It's quite ironic in that you and Baffy have been chasing after them / helping them both for such a long time and then when they have actually started to do as you hoped you both may have realised it might actually not be enough.

It's at that point that maybe they realise this could all be too little too late ????

thanks lily

pc I totally totally understand. When you see the effort they can, and do, put in when they want to, it's easy for the resentment to start to build about the things they don't do.

Makes you realise that actually, it is a conscious choice for them to piss off, do what they want and come back only on their terms. It's all within their control. Which then makes you question whether you want to be with that sort of person again. Horrible vicious circle.

Lets face it, knowing what we know, would we take on these men in a brand new relationship? No!
The history, knowing how happy we could be, our marriages and the children give us the real incentive to carry on. But will that make us happy in the long run?! Million dollar question.

Totally with you on the half-relationship thing too. It's the biggest thing I'm struggling with right now. Probably more than OW's baby. I feel that if he can't be as passionate about us, and our marriage, and our baby as I am, then how will it ever work anyway...

More questions than answers sorry! But wanted you to know you're not alone.

Do you know what lily I was just thinking that myself!

Perhaps for so long we have been so focused on getting through to them, wanting them to see what they were giving up and give our marriages a chance. That's all we could think of.

Now we have achieved that, we can start to reflect on what's actually happened and how they've treated us during those months years of fighting (alone) to save our marriages. The pain is immesurable. But also the realisation that their 'excuses' for their behaviour, in the cold light of (rational) day, just don't stack up.

H's main reason for leaving me, at the time, was that he was unhappy with his life and wanted to experience living alone after 14 years in a relationship.

H then chose to have OW staying there almost every night!

Makes you stop and think. He didn't leave me because of the depression, because he was overwhelmed with responsibility of ds, because he was unhappy with his life and needed to experience living alone etc etc etc... He left because he wanted to.

Too little too late? Too much damage has been done? I think that could be the case

I think your right Baffy.
You have had to focus all your emotions on fighting for them.
Now you are able to feel those emotions rather than burying them.

Question is when you work through them will the goal change ?

Who knows..........

Hi I'm listening but so stressed can't really talk (can't pay tax bill not good at all )....
Just wanted to say really empathise with PC and Baffy - we fought so hard and now we don't even know if we want it
Am bloody sure I don't want this pathetic excuse for a man that can't see the problem and doesn't help though he thinks he does - he had kids yesterday and came home to a small bombsite - he didn't even empty the dishwasher ...and I was in work all day to pay HIS bills and keep HIS business afloat and can't pay MY tax bill....fed bloody up I want out but am scared if I confront him he won't move out of his flat so we can sell it (if we even can in this market)....bollocks!

Exactly lily. The rollercoaster of emotions never stops.

H just texted too to say his dad's dropping ds home as he's got to go back to work, really busy. Avoiding me going up there to see him?! Most definitely!

Have replied saying no problem, if he's that busy I'll just wait until he has time to get in touch to explain why he feels unable to tell OW the truth.

I hate being like this. I just can't back down though.

The times we spend together are so bitter-sweet. So good and we enjoy each other's company so much. But there's so much anger and resentment in the background it just overshadows everything.

Anyone got a crystal ball??

McD bloody hell what you going to do ? Sorry no idea about paying tax bills !

Baffy

Oh no macd

I do that too. Scared to confront issues because they're doing xyz that we need them to do (in both our cases getting rid of the luxury flats!) and if things get nasty they might dig their heels in and we end up footing the bill for their lifestyles! Makes me so

Can you contact HMRC for some sort of payment plan?
(I'm guessing not though as it'll be, you knoew you had to pay it, so pay it)

Can you ask him to sell one of the vehicles if you're desperate? Time he started to see some consequences I think xx

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Lily: no offence meant. Respect.

Macd: sell H. If anyone will have HIM in the current state of the market. Or just stop paying for the flat and let him sleep in his precious car.

I've just been told off by my sister for allowing XH round to watch telly. I said I am quite capable of coping with MY XH thank her very much. He comes round to see the offspring and occasionally brings food. He doesn't even sit on a chair - has a favourite corner by the door he parks himself in, on the carpet. When he starts making unwelcome conversation I tell him to feck off and he does. He's getting his electicity sorted so he should be able to watch his own telly in a few days. Then I can tell them ALL to feck off for the week, as originally agreed, and give me some peace! (Will probably still get calls from my sister though.)

Annie
I have a sister like that

Lilyloo - glad the day went well

Dior - body dysmorphia? Seriously you do NOT look fat.

Baffy - you are right. You need that boundary. You have been compromising in every other way.

PC - pls describe this not feeling well a bit more. McD might have some ideas. The brain not working well thing made me think of thyroid disease. It feels like brain fog and is horrid. Of course, you could just be feeling run down.

Hello guys - just a quick one to say hi and catch up with everyone's news. Am a bit worried about you guys PC and McD

McD - why don't you start a thread on FB and see how we can help. I really think that you're under so much strain financially and can do with some legal advice but so many of us on here have experience in these things - I would hate you to go unsupported.

PC - what's up duck? Haven't got an email from you yet but I'm happy to help if I can

Baffy - you know you're doing the right thing - you just have to wait for your heart to catch up with your head. Don't beat yourself up in the meantime, will you? The burden of what's simmering in the background is on him, not you.

Hope everyone else is okay - Lilyloo, Happywoman, Dior and all the new guys who I don't know .

I'm worried about PC and Macd too How are you both today?

Dior I know what you mean about OW. My take on things... she's moving in with the new bloke for 3 reasons:

a) he's got LOADS of money and is a perfect meal ticket
b) she hopes it will make H jealous and once she has drained him for everything he has, and H is back on his feet financially, she wants H back
and finally...
c) because her own family pretty much hate her (I don't think hate is too strong a word in this instance due to some of the horrendous things she's done) and she knows full well that when they find out she deliberately got pregnant to a married man they won't want to know. She's lodging with grandparents at the moment as her parents kicked her out. There's just no room for a baby. And her family will make it clear it's the worst thing she could do at this point in her life. And she knows that.

Sadly for her, the plan was to get pregnant and H was supposed to immediately declare his love and buy them a place.

It didn't work out so she had plan B waiting in the background.

But she wants H. I've no doubt about that.

Which is why I know that he needs to come clean with her sooner rather than later because I bet my life the fallout will be massive. And H knows that too. Which is why he's stalling.

Anyway, I've got bloody cystitis so am in loads of pain today But other than that I'm doing ok and sticking to my guns

Morning all

Get on the cranberry juice Baffy!

Have finally uploaded some pics of dd on profile if anyone wants to see

Hope everyone has good day today i know i won't as am ironing

Bet you come back lily!

Went to 3 shops this morning, late for bloody work, and no cranberry juice. Am drinking gallons of water at the moment (I hope that's the right thing to do) and will get some at lunch time. Bugger, don't need this at the mo.

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