Glam & fab part 7 - from strength to strength

[UC]

Thought I'd start this one off on a positive spin? Hope you all find it..

I have been advise to join on this thread. My DP dropped the bomb shell last night and he has now walked out. I am in shock and cant stop crying even my DS said that i look awful this morning

(((witchybella))) you are still in shock and it is all very raw. I'm in the middle of a seperation at the moment and don't know which way it will go. The uncertainty is just so horrible but in small ways gets easier each day.

Today is your first day - you will look and feel terrible but that is OKAY! you have had your whole world shattered.

Hopefully someone will be along on here soon that has some better words of wisdom than mine.

Look after yoursefl only do the bear minimum that you need to today. Don't expect toomuchof yourself.

Does any one in RL know what has happened?

Yes have told my mum,sister, and best friend my best friend sat with me until half 1 this morning while i was snobbing and my DS's know as they have heard me crying.

I have come in to work and I dont know how I am managing. I just hope he comes to his senses.Just cant eat. Will the sickness feeling pass?

He has just sent me a text saying that he is going to miss me and that we both know its the right thing to do..... Sorry but I wasnt given the choice.

Ignore him. He is wanting a reaction. The sickness does pass although does come and go.

Is there anyway you can go home?

have thought about that but they would ask to many questions and i just dont want to break down at work.

Its my DS's that i feel sorry for as well as 1st me and their father split and now this with DP. I am so scared

((witchy)) I advise getting lots of people around you right now. go to work if you can, or go off sick. I took 2 weeks off, but when I went back it gave structure to my day.
selfish arsehole. no you werent given the choice. and he expects to walk out of his family and for you to just cope, and its the right thing to do?!
and the sickness does go, just focus on your immediate needs like food and sleep and talking. mind you, I lost the rest of my baby weight in the aftermath, so every cloud and all that..
post on here as much as you need

hi susie! good to see you (tho obv in better circumstances would be nicer!) sorry to hear h is still being a knob

I have arranged counselling on thurs - if for me then to move on, if for us both then to see what the FUCK is going on. now h wants to join me.. what do I make of that? I am sure he will try to twist everything I say (for an excuse to run back to ow?), but the counsellor is very good and will see through that.
ho hum. might ask h not to go, and try to get some peace within myself instead.

ratbunny - fwiw I think it's a good thing that your your p wants to go to counselling. He is suppressing a lot/keeping lots from you. He won't be able to do that as easily in counselling - and he might learn a thing or two about your relationship and himself. I think you are right to demand info from him. I suspect he is getting angry because he hasn't sussed out what he wants yet - or because he is still with ow. Hope it's not the latter.

MHIS - all sounding positive with your h. Agree with HW - being nice is a strength, not a weakness. You can still have boundaries and in fact they will have more impact when combined with a pleasant and mature approach You are being very strong and I do understand how much effort goes into being grown up and accepting offers - such as going out with him and dd for a walk. Well done Also, I do agree that your h should be showing you this proof such as mobile statements, email account etc. Dh gave me his passwords and I looked as often as I felt I needed to. It was very hard though, seeing the older statements and the frequency of contact with ow - one thing you need to bear in mind.

Susie - sorry you're in this situation. Sorry you have to go to that meeting with dd as well. Will you be able to retire on grounds of ill health? I'm a nurse too (though MH).

Witchy - sorry you are in the boat we've all been in The sickness and lack of appetite I remember well. I think for me it lasted about 2 weeks. Glad your friends are around for you. His message to you is the classic response - trying to justify it to himself. Is there any chance of reunion - or is it too early to say. Were there problems before or is this totally unexpected? I couldn't go to work so hats off to you. I took 2 weeks off.

lilyloo - sorry dcs are ill Hope they feel better soon. Tough on you with dp away.

HW - H must understand that you can't ever be the person you were before. Why is he down? Is it because you are feeling low? Or are there other things bothering him. I agree that he shouldn't rely on you to make him happy. I take on board what you say about it being his choice to leave work. I never gave him an ultimatum re. this but did say I would prefer him to leave. Lol at you wouldn't want an alcoholic to work in a brewery It's not that simple though. H has always worked with women. The woman he had the affair with was the plainest of all of them so the last one I'd have suspected. I don't think he's a womaniser. He just went down that dodgy, seedy road for a while.

Baffy, how are you? Hope you are ok.

Ds had good first day at school. Think the teacher will need a stiff drink tonight - 21 boys in the class

Hallo all,

Dior - congrats on the 20% loss . Well done you - I won't recognise you if we manage to get our lunch date sorted out!

Witchy - so sorry - it may be a good idea for you to take a few days sick leave - after all, you ARE feeling ill, so don't even think of it as faking. You need time to take stock, deal with the grief and hurt and just be kind to yourself. In the meantime, if he contacts you, ignore him. If he's missing you, he's got no one to blame but himself.

MHIS, you did well over the weekend. You should not have felt weak wanting him to help care for DD - after all, he IS her father. But you did right in following your instincts - and he's come through ever so slightly .

Susie, welcome. Any friend of Paddle's is a friend of ours . Do you know why he 'disappears' like this? Is there any other way of reaching him other than his mobile? It seems totally unreasonable. How is he when he's at home? Does he seem happy? What's your gut feeling? Sorry - so many questions and you're probably wondering all this yourself with few answers.

Annie, you're far too happy a divorcee. Get off the thread at once ! (not serious)

Ladylush, hope DS is enjoying his first day at school.

Baffy, how is DS now?

Ginnny - any more contact from himself? I would certainly email the guy and get the money paid to you first. The bloody cheek of it! Just show him that he can't use his debt as a lever to get at you.

Shiny - welcome. How are things with H now?

HW sorry that H is so low. I know how hard it is to live with despondency.

Lilyloo, TFM is taking a break - and well deserved, since she's spent so much time on helping us in the past. But she's fine.

Anyone else around? Most of the regular Teabags have gone a bit quiet lately. Hope that means things are going well??

I've had a couple of days alone just helping DD with homework - she's been inundated, so stayed home this weekend. DP texted me on Saturday night when he arrived in Norfolk, but nothing since. It's made me fretful as our lodger/friend from last autumn stayed over on Saturday night, and asked if he was staying with Norfolk Lady. She said, 'oh yes, we all know NL - she always comes to the W.... show every year without fail.' She said it wasn't just me, the whole company could see that this woman has a 'thing' for DP. She did reassure me that she never saw a sign that he reciprocated, but the fact that he didn't think of even texting me all day yesterday has done nothing to make me feel secure - particularly in the present circumstances. I know I'm being paranoid, & maybe his phone just ran out of charge or something - but I just don't feel comfortable about him spending two days and NIGHTS at her place, with her sitting like some sort of East Anglian Spider! (paranoid emoticon)

Ladylush, you're right - he needs to find some way other than drinking to deal with his bad feelings. I too avoid drinking when I'm down - only had a small glass last night with dinner. I drink much more with him, when we're having one of our good evenings. He acknowledged in counselling that he handles alcohol badly when he's depressed, and then he went straight home and did exactly that! I don't think he's physically addicted - he doesn't need a drink in the morning - he starts in the evening and if for any reason he can't, for instance, if he's driving or acting, he does without. But it's become a habit to open a bottle in the evening - and he drinks it so quickly that he then opens another. So I guess it's more psychological dependency. Which doesn't make it easier to live with .

Anyway, he's home tonight and then Relate tomorrow and here we go round again... Yes, I shall certainly be asking her for ways of dealing with the fallout. I can't go on like this for 6 weeks!

Well prior to me going away with the dc i had caught him texting an ex girlfriend and then my sister had seen him outside a hotel giving a women a kiss, but other than that we had talked things through and i thought we had got some where and i believed him (what a fool) and everything was fine we had been spending more time together, having lot more sex etc but looking back he has been moody since last Tuesday then drops that bombshell last night.

Feeling bit better made myself have something to eat.

Dont think there will be a chance as he says his head is messed up and he cant be doing with the boys as they are (sorry but arent alot of teenagers mardy)?

I am just feeling like it is my fault

Hi Tannee - do we need to be spies again . dior and i can soon hot foot it to norfolk you know.

I too am having a problem with h drinking more than is good for him - and it has become a bit of a habit for him too - and like you tannee it is the speed of the first bottle that i am amazed at. He will not see it a problem either and thinks it is normal to have a bottle and a half in an evening - because they are big glasses it is only about 3-4.
And i am sure it is not helping his mood either.

Hi to whichy too - we are lovely here and you can get it all off your chest.
Agree that the text saying it was for the best was your h asking for your approval to go off - if you agree with him then he will not feel guilty.
you are so right when you say you had no choice in it all - but you do now have a choice of how to handle it from now on. I suggest you get lots of help and dont make any decissions too quickly about what you think you want - get all those emotions out and dont worry about the crying it will get easier.
Hard as it is try not to think about him for now and concentrate on making yourself feel better.
Take care.

Witchy, it is NOT your fault. And all very well for HIM to say he can't cope with the boys - they are his sons as well! Has he thought, what if YOU were to say the same thing and leg it? No, men never do. They always assume (and they are usually right) that the mother will always cope.

. Glad you are able to eat something. Give yourself one small treat a day - even if it's just a choccy or a magazine, or an hour of TV. Watch something mindless like Wifeswap where you can see people who are SERIOUSLY horrible .

HW - so really sorry to hear that DH is on the bottle too. It certainly is scary to watch them glug it back like water . Do you know why he's drinking more? The trouble is, it's no good us criticising them. If he thinks it's normal, he won't listen to you. And as everyone else has said, it's a depressant, and won't help his mood. Oh dear .

welcome witchy and susie

sorry can't catch up properly guys, am not too good at the moment

ds was wonderful today though and ran into school, all smiles, and didn't look back thank god for my beautiful son

hope you're all ok. will catch up soon xx

By the way, yes, I need you and Dior to hike up to Norfolk. He still hasn't texted me despite two playful - 'missing your lovely funny texts'- messages from me. He better have a GOOD reason, like a fish ate his phone.

Aah Baffy - so GLAD DS has settled in. We told you he would - but how are you? Not good?

hello can i join?

my story is me and dh have split 3 weeks ago altho he only moved out at the weekend.

we have been married almost 8 yrs and have DS (not dh,s) and DD who is DH biological child.

both of my kids are ASD and DD has CP, we,ve had a hard time with them,and it put our marriage under enormous strain,DH resented the fact that most of my time was spent caring for the children and felt pushed out.

we split last yr for 3 months but got on great as friends and decided to give it another go,but we split a couple of months later,he got a slapper almost straightaway (altho says he didnt sleep with her,dont believe him) he asked me could he come back and i decided to give him one more chance as it wasnt all his fault re our marriage.

but since then he,s made no effort,doesnt talk to me,ignores me,plays computer games and acts like a child,he was going on dating websites and trying to contact his first love,he also developed a crush on my sister,that was the final straw.

he IS however an excellent father,i cant take that away from him,im gutted it has ended altho i wanted him to go cos the atmosphere was awful,but im so sad that he didnt put the effort in.

i want to be friends with him,we have 2 children with SN and i will need his help,he has been taking DD to school,picking her up and had DS over to stay at where he is living at the weekend and yesterday had DD all day.

he phoned me about a couple of hours ago to tell me he has a new job which im really pleased about for him,its working nights,something he gave up when we had trouble with the kids,he is moving into a house at begin of October and has said he will have the children each saturday over night and a couple ot times in the week.

i just wish he,d grow up and realise what he has lost,a wife who loved him very much and tried so hard,and 2 wonderful children also.

thats my story,sorry its so long,but heres to the future.

oh witchy - what a twat - but this is not your fault and you are not a fool - he is. I rally hate it when they say their head is messed up and they need some space - translated 'my dick is ruling my head and there is some slapper willing to massage my cockego. Sorry if that sounds a bit blunt and man hating but ime it is the same story time and time again.

Baffy if you need to email me you know where i am. Thinking of you.

Tanee - we all know that alcohol is a depressant but somehow it doesnt affect h ,apparently i am the only one who can see it, and like you say if you say something then you are just a nagging old wife and deserve to lose your husband to some nubile bimbo anyway - sorry feeling a bit jaded at the moment if you cant tell .

Hi jenk - i remember your story and i think i gave you some advice then - sorry it didnt work out the way you wanted at the time but it sounds as if you are stronger now.

Jenk1 hallo. Really sorry to hear your story. It sounds like you put in a lot and he - after making the token gesture of returning - put in very little. Hope you aren't blaming yourself. Again, a man who assumes the woman will deal with any problems with the dcs, while he goes off having a nice, independent life!

How are you feeling now? At least he seems willing to share child care at weekends - that's something. Do you think you can move towards friendship?

hi tanee.

for a long time i have blamed myself," i shouldnt have neglected him in favour of the DC,s" but i had no choice,wot sort of a mother would i have been, or perhaps i was expecting too much, all these things go round and round in yr head,but then a grown man in his 30,s who doesnt care about anything and refuses to deal with responsibility doesnt deserve a loving wife.

im really hope we can stay amicable,even if he gets another woman (as long as she doesnt upset any of my kids like the last one),because i know he has a right to his life just as i do mine.

HW- i do feel stronger this time,im extremely sad but i have to move on.
the kids are upset understandably and he said he is really missing them,he asked could he come round and give them a bath on weds and put them to bed, i said yes,im not sure if i should have done,but i dont have a problem with it really.

HW - no, of course alcohol doesn't affect him - it's all in your mind, you're just imagining that he's slumping around the place looking glum with a large glass of vino in his hand ! I once had a BF (known as Pratface) who actually claimed he thought more clearly and DROVE much better when drunk. WTF??

Jenk, of COURSE you weren't to blame. I just don't understand these men who feel all neglected when the children come along. Do they not realise that children ALWAYS come first? Or else, like my LOVELY exwitchMIL, they tell their small child 'I love Daddy best and you second' and give that child an inferiority complex for life (my poor exH ) never felt good enough for any woman after that). Do they not realise that children are children, and can't evaluate the feelings, can't survive without their parents (usually mother's undivided attention whilst they are small? And that they, too, could take a share of that care, and eventually get their partners to themselves when the children are older???

If they don't want to share, they shouldn't be having children. Oh, this gets me cross. I remember my mother advising me to take care to pay some attention to my H when children came along, because men get jealous of their own offspring. Obviously she found that with my father.

The only person who will lose here, is your H. Some slapper will never be able to give him the sustained love and joy that you and the dcs have. And you are doing absolutely the right thing to try to keep things friendly - letting him put the dcs to bed on Wednesday, for instance. Their feelings have to be paramount whilst you are separating, and things like that will make it less stressful for them. Keep following your instincts - you're doing great .

You busy lot welcome all new guys - nice to see new faces but that there are so many wankers out there
Afraid like Baffy not to good at the moment - H thinks we are just hunky dory and there is the problem
Going out for dinner with him tomorrow for his birthday - anyone think it is probably not the right time to tell him I really need a divorce
He now has a picture of OW baby on the wall of his shop along with mine - I wondered why he was cagey at letting me in and kept coming out to give me money etc - had good look around for signs of OW (none that I could see)...then spotted photos - I know she is his DD too but boy does it hurt - she looks so much like my DD's which is odd as they are both dark like me and OW is blond vapid bimbo
Am sorry we all seem a bit down at the moment - HW are you ok you really sound low
Dior massive well done for weight loss - I guess my weight is getting me down as well - am almost back to my very biggest - when H told me he found me repulsive and then went and found OW So now when he keeps trying it on and telling me he fancies me I just can't believe him at all I think he just wants to have some control over me back

Evening all so many new people on here!

Am so tired and fed up at dd's lack of sleep and dd1 has been a little horror today. Am exhausted , fed up, too skint to do anything and all the time thinking of dp being away and all that comes with that

Sorry to moan but don't feel up to supporting everyone so think may do a TFM for a while!

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